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Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Case of the Hypochondriac

Q: I’m writing because my girlfriend reads this thing. Don’t know why. The ones I’ve read, you’ve been against the guy, so you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about. But SHE reads you so, here goes.

I love her, but she’s such a hypocondriac. I mean, dude, she can’t go anywhere without packing aspirin, allergy tablets, digestion pills, and God knows what else. I feel like she’s protecting herself against ME. Like, do I give her headaches or something? So tell her she’s insulting me by insisting on taking all that crap with her when we go out. She can use whatever she wants when she’s home with her mother. God knows, she needs something then, but with me? Dude, set her straight.
Dating a Hypocondriac

Anne: Hello, Dating. First off, I might suggest you notice how to spell hypochondriac. After that, maybe you should ask your girlfriend why she needs all the medication, and adjust your dating. If she’s allergic to pollen, then a day in the country isn’t such a good idea in spring or fall, for instance. If loud music gives her headaches (and so she feels the need for aspirin), then maybe you should avoid certain concerts or playing the radio too loud. I don’t know exactly what your situation is, but talk to her. You might find out things you didn’t know.

Dee: Dude, I’m going to answer your letter. Don’t know why. (I don’t always go against the guy. For instance, notice how I liked your wording?)

I see why your girlfriend is, like, a hypochondriac, Dude—she’s dating a pill. I don’t know about her, but you’re giving me a headache. I wish her luck.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Food Disorders

This week we have several letters dealing with food and eating issues. We don’t know why. Maybe there’s a full moon? Anyway, here are three letters from different readers that we’re addressing all at once.

Q: My son won’t eat peas. I thought he’d like peas--they’re small, round, easy to pick up and put in his mouth. He plays with them, he doesn’t eat them. Any suggestions?
“Peas” Help

Anne: Hmm. You didn’t say how old he is, but maybe he’s reacting to all the times you tell him not to put small, round things in his mouth? Perhaps you could demonstrate eating peas by picking one up yourself and eating it, making all the appropriate sounds and expressions that show acceptance. Peas are nutritious, so if he doesn’t eat them straight, try putting them in soups and stews that he will eat.

Dee: I have a recipe from the Girardelli chocolate folks for peas and chocolate. Sounds icky, tastes really good. Try mixing the peas with chocolate and see if he likes eating them. Worked for Jack.

Q: My son is 16 and won’t eat anything but pizza, pasta and candy. He sits down at dinner but won’t touch his meat or vegetables--not even potatoes, and I’ve never known a teenaged boy who didn’t like mashed potatoes. What can I do?
Pizza’d Out

Anne: Your son is old enough to know good eating from bad. Explain that there are consequences to poor food choices. If that doesn’t work, ask how he’s ever going to impress a girl if the only place he’ll take her is a pizza parlor? Girls have more sophisticated tastes than pasta, pizza and candy.

Dee: Expand his pizza choices by including meat, fruit and veggies on them. I even have a recipe for a chocolate pizza that includes crème cheese and fruit. Worked for Jack.

Q: This is kind of embarrassing. My boyfriend loves to have me go down on him, but he never returns the favor. He says girls don’t like it the same as guys. I say how does he know since he never does it. Anyway, I’m pissed and need some help, please.
High and Dry in Iowa

Anne: Not that I’m in favor of sex outside marriage, but tell the boyfriend quid pro quo. That’s Latin for, “You want some, Buddy, you give some.” Tell him that his saying girls don’t like it as much as guys shows how little he knows. Then, you might consider changing boyfriends. There are guys out there who appreciate women and their needs more than the dumb jerk you’re currently babysitting.

Dee: Whoo-hoo, Anne! You go, girl!!

My advice—should you decide to stick it out with the dumb ass—is try a little Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Have him dab a little here, dab a little there (you know where I mean), and the word “lick” will take on a whole new meaning. What can I say? Worked for...um, never mind.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Married to a Pusher

Q: My husband is what I lovingly call a “food pusher”. He is constantly eating—but still only weighs about 170 lbs, the bum, while I am what I refer to as having “more to love.” The problem is, whenever he eats he tries to “push” whatever is on his plate onto mine. “Here have a bite,” “Taste this, it’s yummy.” I have told him thanks but no thanks, that I’m not remotely hungry, and even “Please stop doing that” but he just doesn’t get it. What suggestion do either of you have to help me make him understand that I want him to stop?

Anne: I had a grandmother who did that (“I know how much you love mashed potatoes, so have some more”), and you’re right, it’s annoying. What I had to do is just say, “No!” very firmly or sometimes even pull my plate away or cover it. Eventually the message got through. In situations like this, I don’t think you can be sweet. Pushers think they’re being nice, so you must be a little hard.

Here are a couple of ideas: Push back. He says, “Try a piece of this ham, honey, it’s really good.” You say, “Not with the turkey I already have, so you take some of it.”

If he actually puts his offering on your plate, physically put it back on his plate with, “I know it’s good. That’s why I want you to have it, Honey Buns.”

Or, just leave whatever he passes to you on your plate, uneaten. If he questions you just say again that you are full. I hope this helps, Married.

Dee: If it were me, I’d slap the shit out of him. He’d get the picture then, and besides, make up sex is great.

However, Anne is forever telling me that violence isn’t the answer to anything. So, Plan B: Demand he take out his wallet and all of his money. Then suggest he “push” a little moolah your way—-tell him you’ll share his “greens” but only if they have Ben Franklin on them.