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Monday, June 28, 2010

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Need More Than Blowing

Q: My husband wants oral sex all the time. I like it okay, but what's in it for me? Any hints?

Anne: This really isn't my area. Ask him to reciprocate? Dee, help!

Dee: Ever tried a 69? There's plenty to appreciate in that particular position, for both of you. Find a way to suck him so he can finger you. Try a magic egg while you're giving head. In other words, use a little imagination, woman!!! For a woman, the most erogenous zone is the brain. Put yours to use, and then maybe your mouth will be more ready to be put to use, too.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Nagging Mom in Nashville

Q: I love my mother but she's driving me crazy. I'm 38 and still living with Mark, my fiancé of seven years. My mother can't understand why we're not already married and she keeps reminding me of my ticking biological clock. My brother is a priest, so no grandchildren from him, and the pressure is all on me. Because she thinks my fiancé is preventing the wedding from going forward (she's been window shopping for dresses and planning the reception for years now), and with each year she likes him less and less. She thinks he's taking advantage of me and will never marry me. I admit, I want to marry Mark, and I wonder why he's holding back so long, too, but I trust him and I know he has his reasons. I do want children--or I did, badly. Now I don't see it happening. What can I do about my mom? I love her but her animosity toward Mark is getting bad, and her nagging me is making me want to scream.

Anne: Until the end of your question, I thought maybe you would say that you were the party holding up the wedding plans, but that's not the case, I guess. Your mother is probably wondering if he has some reason not to want to get married, like is he hiding a wife somewhere, is he really lukewarm toward you instead of passionately in love? If you have lived happily together for seven years, you've lasted longer than a lot of marriages, so if you two are still in love, why not take the next step? Don't take this the wrong way, but at your ages, this does seem strange. Talk to Mark—or get someone (maybe your brother?) to talk to him--and get to the bottom of things. As far as your mom, tell her you appreciate her concerns but lay off. If you love Mark, she needs to accept him. If she can't do that, real trouble lies ahead. And she has to respect your decisions as an adult.

Dee: Look, if you are happy with the situation as it is now, just tell your mom that you don't care if you ever get married and to give it up. If you aren't happy with the way things are, tell Mark to set his butt down and have a come-to-Jesus-meeting. You've been with the man for seven damn years. You're an adult, not a child, which would necessitate a long dating period. Enough is enough. You've given this man a lot of time for an "engagement." Ask him if he's ready to commit and if not, why not. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, tell him to fuck off. But! Make sure you're ready to accept his answer and make the change.

The biggest thing here is to know what you want, then take steps to make it happen.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Need Time Alone? You Got It.

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm stepping out on her because I don't have any energy for sex. I work two jobs and go to school. She works part-time as a secretary and is ready to go out when the weekend comes. If we stay home, she wants me to chase her around the bedroom. If she doesn't give me a break soon, I'll be breaking up with her. A woman I stay with needs to understand what's important to me, and right now my future takes precedence over getting between a woman's legs. I like her, though, and she's nice enough. What can I say or do to get my position through to her?

Anne: Nothing. Break it off. You'd be better off seeking out a one night stand when you're in the mood for sex. Let your girlfriend (if she really is your girlfriend) find someone more suited to her.

Dee: Hey, fucking isn't everything, I agree. But it's something, and especially when two people feel something for each other. You come across as uninterested in having a future with her. You sound tired of her, actually. Certainly not in love.

Anne's right (there's a first). You'd be better off telling her you're calling it quits. Then you can have all the time alone you want. And I have a feeling there will be a lot of it.