Happy Memorial Day!

This is a time to remember those lost protecting our lives and country. And please join us in praying for those who still do.

Anne and Dee

Divorce is Never Easy

Q: My husband wants a divorce. He told me last night, completely out of the blue. He evidently found someone he loves and he no longer loves me. I'm shattered. I don't know what to do. How do I start to handle this?

Anne: Call a lawyer, right now. Call the best one you can find and ask for immediate instructions, even if you can't get an appointment right away. There are things you need to take care of before any more time passes. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know right now you are stunned, but you need to try and get hold of your emotions. It will be better for you in the long run if you do that—even when you move from being stunned into being angry, which will happen. And then keep in mind that you'll change feelings again. This is like the grieving process you would go through for a death, so don't be afraid. It will pass eventually and you will get your life back. Good luck.

Dee: I wouldn't say find the best lawyer. I'd say to find the sleaziest, mean dog lawyer you can. Go to the bank immediately and tell them what going on—make sure your hubby hasn't emptied your joint accounts. Same with the credit cards. And if you don't have credit cards in your name, apply right away while you still have a married status. If you need to see a shrink, don't feel bad or embarrassed. Anne was right about controlling your emotions. Only if you are in control will you be able to appreciate truly the good feeling of grabbing his balls and squeezing and twisting until he squeals like the pig he is. Good luck. Have fun!

What's a Little Erotic Romance between Friends?

Q: I write erotic romance (competition for you, Dee!). You would know my name if I shared it, and I have developed quite a loyal fan group. The problem I have is that none of my friends or relatives appreciate what I write. They call it porn and won't "soil their minds."

That they don't buy my books isn't the problem—fortunately, plenty of other people do. It's that they denigrate the value of my work. They say I'm not a "real" writer because I don't write the same thing Hemingway or Faulkner did. I don't write "literature." So how can I convince them that I am not only a good writer, I am as accomplished as many people they admire—just in a different genre?

Anne: Maybe they don't like the subject matter, but can't they appreciate your voice, style and wording? If not, then I don't see how you can convince them. You can't change what someone sees if they refuse to look.

Dee: Are you a) competition or b) a sister writer, making her mark alongside mine? You'd better pick b or we're going to have a pissing contest on sales.

This is one of the few times I agree wholeheartedly with sis. If they refuse to see what's in front of them, screw 'em and keep on writing!

And one other thing, erotic romance isn't porn, but what's wrong with porn?

Pure Happiness

Q: My mother wants me to go on birth control pills. I'm fifteen and have not had sex. In addition, I have signed a chastity pact stating I won't have sex until I get married. I am a straight A student and haven't given my mother cause to worry. She thinks because she got pregnant before she finished high school that I will, too. How can I get her to trust me?

Sign me Happy to Be a Virgin

Anne: Wow. After all that she doesn't believe you won't have sex? If getting good grades, stating your intentions and not getting into trouble isn't enough, I'm not sure what is. Have your doctor talk to her and explain the disadvantages to taking the pill, especially if there's no need. Keep on getting on! You're a good example and an inspiration to other girls.

Maybe Dee can help you more since she did everything you aren't. Sister, dear!

Dee: I hardly know what to say, Virgin. It seems to me your mom should be ecstatic to have the only 15-year old virgin in the country. AND you make good grades, AND you signed a chastity pledge. Anne, you aren't trying to trick me, are you?

Okay, here's the deal. Pharmaceuticals are very valuable things—when they are needed. Your mom obviously wants you to have advantages she didn't have, but if you don't need the pill, you shouldn't be taking it. Maybe if you tell her that you promise—and this has to be a sworn, sacred vow—that if you do plan to engage in sex that you will then go to the doc and get the pill, maybe she'll give you a break.

The trouble is—and your mom knows this much better than you—sex happens even when it isn't planned. So do pregnancies. And no well-intentioned celibacy pacts will protect you from getting in the family way once you unintentionally cross that line in the back seat of Johnny's Ford Camaro (or whatever). Hope you're happy then.

Jerry or Hubby?

Q; All my girlfriend wants to do is watch TV. And she watches trash like Jerry Springer and Maury. She tapes it while we're at work and then wants to watch it at night. I can't stand to be around when that stuff is on but I can't pry her away from the set. Sex used to be great—from what I remember. Maybe I could put up with her TV shit if it made her horny but it seems to do the opposite. Any advice?

Anne: Have you told her about your feelings? I mean have you talked, not yelled or been sarcastic. There is some reason why your wife has turned to this kind of TV at night when the two of you could be together. Maybe you should seek counseling.

Dee: Have you tried stripping down and parading in front of the Mrs.? (Yes, I have also seen those shows and know how they work.) If that doesn't work, find some way to disable the VCR or the TV. Have cable taken out.

Hell, if nothing works, have the whole couch up taken out, with the wife on it. If she prefers Jerry to you, buy her a ticket to CT and wave bye-bye.