A Little Sisterly Advice

Eating or Not -- Girlfriend's Dilemma

2012-02-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I love it when my boyfriend eats me, but he doesn't seem to get all that much pleasure. I want him to do it more, so how can I encourage him?

Anne: Stay clean and sweet-smelling. Bathe beforehand. Are you shaved? I would think that helps. I'm inexperienced in this area, so I'm kinda guessing.

Dee: Bathing is a good idea before, if possible. I mean, think of how you like going down on him. Better when he hasn't just come off the flag football field or from the gym, right? Second, men seem to like a woman who's shaven. At least trim your bush. Maybe that's what he objects to? (And maybe you object to that in him, too, but will he shave for you? Hell no. So don't shave to please him if you don't want to.)

Assuming you do want to shave, make sure you follow a good procedure designed for women. (http://adameve.com) We can't shave our pussies the way men shave their faces. Try this web site:
http://www.howtohavegoodsex.com/shaving_your_kitty.htm
or this forum:
http://forums.backpage.com/showthread.php?t=12331
yukonboy has great tips.

If your boyfriend still doesn't enjoy cunnilingus, ask him what his problem is. A lot of men like to be blown but don't like to return the favor, the selfish bastards. Hopefully, smelling pretty and going hairless for awhile wil turn him around. Good luck!

Football Casualty

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: My boyfriend is all into football and his favorite team lost today. Now he's all pissy. This has happened the past two years now. When his team badly, he's impossible to live with until they win again. He has even hit me once or twice when I've tried to talk him out of his mood. It's like this every fall—the rest of the year he's fine. What should I do?

Anne: Do you actually live with him? Because if so, maybe you should vacate the premises for the autumn. If not, call a hiatus for football season—maybe he'll get the hint that he's not fun to be around when he's acting juvenile.

Dee: Punt his ass down the field of broken relationships. Any man that raises his hand to a woman is an asshole. When he does it because his football game lost makes him a fucking asshole. And I don't care how great he is during the rest of the year. No need to try to make a pass or rush for a touchdown. He'll drop the ball every time. Call a foul and toss him out of the game.

Resolutions? Bah! Hum bug!

2012-01-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Q: I hate resolutions yet every year I make them. Are there tips I can use to keep them?

Anne: Instead of making several resolutions, make only one or two you feel a real commitment to. That's commitment, not a passing interest. Choose something you passionately want to do. Ask for help to keep the resolution if you need it—maybe ask a friend to run with you if getting more exercise is your goal, or something like that. If you don't keep the resolution anyway, don't beat yourself up, but do take responsibility and own up to it.

Dee: Good grief, I never make resolutions. But if I did, here's the one I would make. I try to do it now: Resolve to live each day and each moment as though it was the most special time in your life—because it is.

Happy New Year, and fuck the resolutions!

The Happiest of New Year!

2012-01-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

Wishing you a happy and blessed New Year.

Yes, we know it's actually Jan 2, but we're taking an extra day. Please come back next week!

Love,
Dee and Anne

Merry Christmas - Happy New Year!

2011-12-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays and a safe and blessed New Year!!

We will be back in 2012--good heavens, where did 2011 go?

With much love,
Dee and Anne

Christmas Gifts to the Boyfriend's Mother

2011-12-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: My boyfriend's mother has given me a Christmas present for each of the three years we've been dating. I never know what to get her in return. I'm in my senior year of college and don't have a lot of money, but I hate not to reciprocate in some way. Any ideas?

Anne: If she's a real lady, she will appreciate most anything you give her. Does she have a favorite flower? You can often find reasonable prices on flowers. I gave my boyfriend's mother beautiful paperweights or small pewter figures. Ask your boyfriend what she likes.

Dee: Give her the gift she really wants, which is to be nice to her son, respectful to her and not to get preggo before any possible marriage. Dust collectors are nice and required now and then, but keep the main gifts in mind, girlie.

Holiay Weight Gain

2011-12-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: Every single year I am surrounded by baked goods and other yummies during the holidays. And every year I gain weight. What can I do to avoid nibbling on all this food?

Anne: Make a formal request that food be brought to a central place—maybe the break room—instead of having them everywhere, then limit how often you go into the break room. Make a formal request that healthy food be part of the mix. Munching on carrots or fruit is much better for you than baked goods and you still feel that you're enjoying snacks. Make a formal request that bringing in food be limited to one or two days a week. There are other suggestions, but try these and see if you get results.

Dee: Look, the holidays come once a year. Indulge! Exercise and restrict your diet during the other 40-45 weeks of the year. If you're looking for other ways you can snack and keep down your waistline, find new methods to burn calorie. Do you know that you can burn up to 321 calories by engaging in 15 minutes of foreplay and 35 minutes of fucking? A 1-inch brownie has less than 38 calories; a 1-inch chocolate chip cookie has fewer than 70 calories. So give me a break. Eat!

Choosing Children in Cinnci

2011-12-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I've been engaged for four years to a fabulous woman. The trouble is, she doesn't want kids. I kept thinking she would come around, but after two years of dating and four years of planning to marry, she hasn't. We're both in our late twenties and have great, professional jobs. Money isn't a problem, security isn't an issue. We have wonderful families with great role models. I love this woman. What should I do?

Anne: If this is a deal breaker, you have little choice. Either you give up your dream of a family, marry her anyway and hope the biological clock kicks in, or you give up the girl and start looking for someone who does want a family. Only you can decide how important it is for you to have children, and only you can decide what to do about it.

Dee: You are adults and you've been engaged for four years?? Holy shit. I sure hope you've been having sex during all this time. Which brings up another question. Your fiancée does know how babies are made, right? She knows how much fun it is and all? If not, you're not doing your job very well. Screw her silly several times a week and who knows? Fate might turn in your direction. Remember, the only truly 100% reliable birth control is an aspirin—held tightly between the knees. With any other method, it's a crap shoot. The more you fuck, the more the odds are in your favor. It's also good for weight control…

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Anne and I hope each of you is enjoying a wonderful, safe, blessed holiday with your family, friends and other loved ones--as we are. See you right back here next week.

Thanksgiving Traditions

2011-11-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: My husband insists that I make Thanksgiving dinner exactly as his mother always did when he was growing up. That means only turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, that Campbell's green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert. For twenty-two years I've humored him because we always hosted the family holidays and it seemed so damn important. But this year we are by ourselves. I don't see the need of preparing all that food for just the two of us. Plus, for all of those years, he played host while I managed all the kitchen chores—preparation, cooking and roasting and baking, and clean-up, with help from the other women in the family. I have been looking forward to the years when I could enjoy the holidays as much as he always seems to, and this is it. However, again he's insisting that we have the full-court meal. We can freeze leftovers, he says, and besides, it's "tradition." I'd like to tradition him. How can I convince him I can be very thankful not to have to prepare the meal this year?

Anne: Give him this letter you just sent us. Maybe it will open his eyes. Out of curiosity, what are the rest of the family doing this year? Maybe you can join them?

Dee: Thanksgiving is about more than the fucking turkey. Tell him he can all he wants of whatever traditional meal by taking you to Picadilly Cafeteria (or restaurant of your choice). Then you'll both enjoy the dinner.

NOT Brotherly Love

2011-11-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm so embarrassed I can't believe I'm even writing you. My problem is, my brother—who is three years older than I am and a senior in high school—has been having sex with me. It started a couple of years ago when he accidentally walked in on me when I was showering. Shortly after, he found ways to brush against me. When we were home alone he would corner me and kiss me, and then touch me, until one night when my parents were out at a party, he sneaked into my room and actually had sex with me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him and make him go away, I wanted to throw up, but instead I froze. It was my first time and I cried a lot for days, so much that my mom said I looked awful and wanted to take me to the doctor. Privately my brother said if I turned him in he'd make me sorry—and since I didn't scream or fight him, no one would believe I wasn't willing. From somewhere he found birth control pills and had me take them. After that, he took me whenever and wherever he could. The worst thing is, I have orgasms, so part of me must like what he does. I feel dirty and used. I want to kill myself. What can I do?

Anne: Immediately get help. Tell your parents, talk to a school nurse or your minister or counselor. DO NOT WAIT! Forget the embarrassment. What happened is not your fault—in fact most sexual abuse is done by someone the abused person knows. You won't be the first girl to have to tell on your brother. He played on your fears to have his way.

I am serious—find someone to talk to right away. Dee and I are not qualified in this kind of situation to recommend more than that.

Dee: Your brother raped you, nothing less. He could (and should) go to jail for what he's doing, especially since you were a child when he started and you’re still underage. You must tell someone what's been happening. Do not waste any time doing so.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to someone you know, there are online organizations that could help: http://www.stopitnow.org/ or http://www.protect.org/home. But it would be best if your parents knew or a teacher or someone locally who could remove you from your situation. Please write back and let us know that you found help.

Thanksgiving Embarrassment

2011-10-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I live with my boyfriend, which my parents don't know. He wants us to invite both of our families to the house for Thanksgiving. I would rather not since I don't want to advertise the fact that we're cohabitating. What should I do?

Anne: Tell your boyfriend you're uncomfortable—not embarrassed (unless that's true? In which case I'd advise moving to your own place), but unwilling to rub it in your parents' faces that you are living with someone you're not married to. Then plan to go home.

Dee: How about his parents? Would you feel differently if it was just his parents coming to dinner and not yours? If so, you should re-evaluate why you've decided to live in a situation that obviously embarrasses you. If I'm wrong and you are not embarrassed, you need to explain your living conditions to your parents before inviting them to the house. However, your note makes me thing of the old adage: Don't do the time if you can't do the time. Change it to: If you fuck and then you blush, to playing house you should not rush. Take a long, hard look at your feelings about living with the boyfriend before you imagine how your folks will feel.

Vibrators 101

2011-10-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the difference in vibrators? Are the biggest ones the best?

Anne: Having never used a vibrator, I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm sure there are sites online that will describe the various models.

Dee: Unlike Sis, I've used many different vibrators. The biggest is not necessarily the best, I can tell you that. Make sure you find a size and style that suits you. The largest unit might hurt or not fit comfortably unless you lubricate it well. Wherever you buy the unit will also sell lube, so don't forget it. Also remember to buy something specifically designed to clean your unit—different styles use different cleaners.

You'll get lots of information from my favorite sex toy site, Adam and Eve. Right now they're featuring a G-spot vibrator, and they offer a picture explanation of where the G-spot is. But they also sell large and smaller vibrators with a skin-like covering, glass units that can be chilled and warmed before use (chilling gives a whole new exciting sensation), eggs that vibrate (all I can say is, wow!), and rabbit styles, some made of gel that I don't particularly find comfortable, but they also feature an additional appendage that vibrates the clitoris while the main part stimulates the vagina. Pussy and clit stimulation together can't be beat!

But, it all comes down to what you find comfortable. Browse Adam and Eve and other sites, read the reviews, and then pick something to try. There is no right or wrong unless what you try doesn't feel good.

Child Abuse Without Using the Strap

2011-10-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My mom hates me. I'm not just saying that, she really does. She's told me many times that I was a horrible mistake and how much she lost and gave up because she got pregnant with me. She never praises me for anything I do. I'm a sophomore in high school. I have very good grades and am a valued member of clubs and community organizations. I cook dinner every night and keep the house clean so when she comes home from work she has nothing to do. Still, all she ever does is run me into the ground and say how useless I am. In front of others she's sweetness and light about me, but in private it's just the opposite. I don't know how much longer I can take this. What should I do?

Anne: This is a tragic situation. You don't mention a father or other family members,. so I assume you and your mom are alone in the house. Is there an aunt or family friend you might be able to talk to? If not, I suggest speaking with a counselor at school (who should keep your conversations private) or maybe a minister. You need a responsible adult to whom you can talk frankly. Don't bottle your feelings. You have three years left before you can realistically leave the house, so find help with someone you trust. You might be able to find a solution that allows you to blossom despite your mother.

Dee: It sounds as though your mother is a shit, and Anne is right. This is child abuse and needs to stop right away. You need to find an adult who has your best interests are heart who can help you escape her abuse. That could be a doctor, a school counselor or nurse, a minister or even someone who heads one of the organizations you belong to. Most of those people can at least listen and offer suggestions as to a next step. Good luck.

Stripping for College Bucks

2011-10-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I come from a very religious family. I mean, church twice on Sunday, choir practice and a Bible lessons during the week. I didn't have an unhappy childhood,. but I guess I always knew that life wasn't for me. Now I'm twenty and trying to make the money I need to complete my degree. I was offered the chance to strip in a local club. The money is really good and I only have to work three nights a week. I've been to the club and felt an immediate bond with the women who worked there. I know I could do this, but I'm afraid if my family found out they would disown me. What should I do?

Anne: If it's not illegal or immoral, you have to follow your heart. The question is, do you believe stripping to be immoral? Your family will, from what you've said. If you can face their dismay and believe in yourself enough to withstand their criticism, then you should be all right. Just remember, money aside, you need to be able to face yourself in the mirror each day.

Dee: You're twenty years old and (it sounds) paying for your own education. The decision of how you live your life is up to you. You'll be faced with other decisions in life that will bring their criticism even if you don't strip. If you find the place is safe and that they don't expect you to fuck the customers (or owners), I say go for it. It's not like once you start you can't leave if you discover it's not what you think now. Give it a shot if you want, and let your family decide whether or not they love you, regardless of what you do.

More Than Babies Like Nipples

2011-10-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My girlfriend wears her clothes too short and tight. Sometimes she doesn't wear a bra, so her nipples are visible through her tops. Everywhere we go men ogle her, but she doesn't seem to mind looking and acting like a slut. I love seeing her look sexy, but I want to be the only man who sees her like that. When I bring it up to her, she just says I should be proud that other men find her sexy, and to stop feeling jealous. Somehow, it doesn't work that way for me. But whenever we come home, the sex is hotter than the sun.

Anne: This is a real problem and I feel for you. Unfortunately, it's her body and her choice of what she wears. As long as she stays covered enough not to be arrested, you're out of luck.

Dee: The last line of your note says it all—the sex is hot after you've been out and watched your girl nearly show it all to other men. You might not like seeing them leer, but you like the results later on. So are you really so much against her exposure?

Look, you have to decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not. If you can't stand seeing her nipples on full display for others, then leave. If you like the hot fucking more then you dislike her short skirts and braless tops, then shut up and learn to enjoy her attributes in public as well as private.

Tolerating Cheaters

2011-09-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I am a high school senior. On our first math test I saw one of my best friends cheat off of the person sitting next to her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose a friend, but what she did is wrong. On the other hand, is it so wrong? The person she cheated off of is really stupid, so she's bound to be worse off than if she'd just guessed. What should I do?

Anne: Whether or not the person off whom she cheated is worthy of being cheated off of isn't the question--it doesn't matter. I would find a way to ask your friend about the incident. Is there a chance you didn't see what you think? If she admits the cheating to you, it doesn't relieve you of responsibility. Your teacher needs to know.

Dee: At Virginia Military Institute, their honor code states that cheating, lying and stealing will not be tolerated and neither will people who themselves tolerate those things. This means that if you know your friend cheated and you do nothing, you're as much a problem as she is. You don't have to wave your arm in the air and shout, "Cheater!" but maybe there's a way you can alert your teacher to check the two papers. Send her a note if you don't want to talk to her in person, or talk to your parents and see if they will help. But once you let it go, it will always be there between you and your friend. Worse, she will be within her rights to say you're an accomplice.

Give Us a Break on Football

2011-09-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: Football season has just started and I'm already sick of it. My boyfriend is sitting there right now watching Michael Vick and the Eagles beat some other team. Thursday night it was Green Bay and New Orleans. On Monday it's Miami and someone else. Give me a break! Michael Vick shouldn't even be allowed to play pro ball anymore after what he did, and he's just one reason why men and boys shouldn't dedicate their lives to watching football. How can I stop having football on my TV every Sunday until January?

Anne: Every year we get letters from women who want their husbands or boyfriends to stop watching football. It's not going to happen. Find something else to do with your time—go to the movies or take up a craft or read (I can recommend a couple of great authors to you J ). Trying to keep football off the air is like trying to stop the day from dawning.

Dee: Believe me, I love thinking about men and balls, but I'm tired of telling women how to use sex to distract their significant others from football. If Michael Vick is more intriguing to your boyfriend than you are, too damn bad. Take your vibrator to the bedroom and work off some of your resentment. Then either join your guy on the couch and cheer on his favorite teams or find something else to do. You should at least enjoy the commercials—no show on TV has better commercials than football. It's only for a few months so for God's sake, stop whining. And that goes for the rest of your football widows out there.

A 9/11 Memorial

2011-09-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Anne and I are sorry we missed the blog last week. Jack was home and it was a holiday and we just plain forgot.

This week we remember those who lost their lives on 9/11/2001 and those who have given their lives since then to secure and protect our freedom and nation. Thank you.

Q: It's been ten years since the vicious attack on New York and Washington, D.C. What can I do to support America and freedom each and every day?

Anne: How wonderful for you to ask. There are a multitude of things to do that will honor our great nation: give blood regularly, donate time to an organization like a nursing home, a school or hospital, purchase teddy bears for your local sheriff or police department to use in domestic violence cases where there are children, put together small toiletry packets for use in shelters. Contact your local organizations to see where your talents can best be used.

Dee: Remember our military men and women and their families. Contact the USO, a local military installation or the Department of Defense to offer donations or time.

A Better Use for Tongues

2011-08-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I have been without Internet due to a server crash at Time Warner. What fun!

Q: Yesterday we had a fire drill at work. A co-worker made a joke when we gathered at the far end of the parking lot that he would just let the flames get him next time rather than tromp down three flights of steps and walk so far. Lots of people laughed but I gave him a sharp tongue-lashing. My parents died in a fire when I was a child, and it's nothing to make fun of. Now some people think I'm the rude one. What did I do wrong??

Anne: Sometimes people say things that are in poor taste but they don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Did this person know you had suffered such a tragedy? I'll bet not. Maybe you should have said something quietly to him instead of in front of others. In fact, maybe you can apologize in just that way now. Once he knows your circumstances I'm sure he will apologize right back for making a crude joke.

Dee: Not to minimize your loss, but fuck a duck, lady. How in hell was the guy supposed to know that your parents died in a fire?? Think back and carefully—haven't you ever said something that might better have been left unsaid? If you say no, think again because we all have. There are plenty of reasons to be offended in life without going out to look for reasons.

And while we're on the subject of things better left unsaid, how old are you, anyway? The last time I heard anyone say they gave someone a tongue-lashing, I was playing with a spoon and my grandmother was changing Anne's diapers. In this day and age—and in my world—"tongue lashing" means something very different and much more pleasurable.

Too Young? Yeah. Jeez!

2011-08-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I am fourteen and want to start wearing lipstick and shorter skirts. My mom is from the dark ages and insists I'm too young but my friends all do it (and worse). They have boyfriends, while I'm always alone—without a boy. How can I convince her to let me grow up??

Anne: I'm sure I will sound just like your mom when I say not to rush things—you'll grow up fast enough. You should enjoy the age you are—every year brings its pleasure, and boys will come soon enough. Take it slowly, regardless of your friends. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, and then you will appreciate a relationship with a boy much more.

Dee: If only you were much older. If you were and complained about not having a man I would send you to a web site that explained how to have sex (because that's where you're headed) safely. I'd give you much different advice. But you're fourteen (jeez!), so I will behave.

Look. With each step you take in life, there are consequences and changes you can never take back or change. And it's human nature to want more, no matter what you have now.

So how does that apply to your question? Let's take a hypothetical situation. (If you don't know what hypothetical means you sure as hell are not old enough to be dating.) A fourteen-year-old girl I know named…um, Sally wants to do what her friends do. It so happens her friends date—or maybe meet guys somewhere that their parents don't know about. Sally sneaks with them and does the same. She wears makeup that her mom forbids and pulls her skirt up to her thighs.

Guys, being guys, will try to get the girls to do more than raise their skirts to their thighs. They might encourage drinking or drugs—both things that will loosen Sally's inhibitions. Before Sally and her friends know it, they’re kissing the guys, they're letting the guys touch a little. Maybe they touch a little, too, and it's exciting and feels good. Really good. One thing no one tells a young girl is that foreplay feels great. The more a guy does, the better it feels and before you know it, you aren't thinking much anymore.

It's at this point that some girls lose all sense and go all the way. They let the guy fuck them—'cause fucking is what it is, Missy. There's nothing romantic about it, no matter what nonsense the guy spouts at the moment. He's only saying whatever it takes to get in your pants—remember that.

Now here's what I want you to think about:
Probably in a matter of weeks, Sally has gone from a normal fourteen-year-old to a girl who "puts out." That's what the guys will say to each other, and before she knows it, she'll have lots of guys hanging around—all wanting her to spread her legs. Hey! Nothing against the guys—it's the way male children are (some male adults, too). They will expect Sally to continue doing what she's already started.

At fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, what else is there? Sally has already done it all, and the thrill and/or pleasure has worn off. And SHE CAN'T EVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

That might not seem like much now, but think about it. Which road do you want to take? I'm sure you keep whining to your mother that you're grown up and can make decisions for yourself. Well, prove it by making the right decision now. There's plenty of time for screwing around later. You'll enjoy it more, believe me.

If you choose the wrong path, please talk to your mother and tell her if you get involved in sex. Take precautions against disease and pregnancy. But I hope you hold off.

Jealous in Jefferson City

2011-08-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I hate my brother, Mike. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everything he does he's so good at. Everything I do I flop. My parents are always bragging about him—he has the best grades, he dates the most wonderful girls, drives the fanciest car and has the greatest job in the world (he's a lawyer). I had so-so grades, went through a Goth stage where the girls I dated wore black everything. Now I guess I still lean toward the edgy rather than sweet and sunny…like Mike. My job is okay (I work in a local factory). I make decent money and support myself. I'm just sick and tired of hearing how great Mike is, I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings. how can I deal with this?

Anne: Well first, you didn't tell us how Mike handles all this adoration. Is he snooty, full of himself and generally obnoxious? Or does he take everything well. Do the two of you get along when you're by yourselves? If that's the case, maybe you could talk to him about how it makes you feel when your parents go on and on about him. If he's loving it, though, and hard to bear even alone, maybe you either have to tell your parents how you feel in such a way that won't hurt their feelings. You might find your parents don't even realize they're praising your brother so much. If you can't do that, you'll have to learn to deal with it. Hating your brother isn't the answer, though. In the end, that only hurts you.

Dee: I can answer this question from experience because all I ever heard growing up was how wonderful Anne was.

Anne: What???

Dee: Yes. Mom and Dad bragged about you like you were a saint.

Anne: Did not.

Dee: Did too. But did I ever hate you? Well, maybe a little, between the ages of 4 and 16, but I eventually learned to get over it. And so must you, Writer. Hating your brother or sister—

Anne: Oh, for pity's sake, I don't believe this.

Dee: —doesn't bother them at all because they usually don't know you're hating them. Even when you throw their favorite doll into the toilet or tell their blind date that she can't go out because of a sudden flare up of herpes.

Anne: I'm going to kill you…

Dee: So the best medicine is to go with the flow. If your parents say something nice about Mikey, just agree with them. If he gets a new car, tell him it's great. It isn't going to kill you, but that bitter jealousy will.

Make sure when you do good things you let people know, too. Don't expect everyone to be mind-readers. Blow your own horn or no one will. I truly believe that once you let go of your negative feelings, you'll find things aren't as bad as you thought—and you will feel better yourself.

If not, well fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

The Landlord Wants Too Much for Rent

2011-08-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My landlord said he would forgive my rent each month if I would have sex with him oe night a month. I'm not a virgin or anything, and I'm a graduate student so I'm always strapped for cash. He's not a bad looking guy, and if I met him out somewhere I might even be interested. But there's something making me feel used in this situation. I can't afford to lose my apartment. What should I do?

Anne: Call the department in your city that handles fair business practices and turn him in. Someone at your school will know who to turn to. Do it!! If he made this proposition to you, he's made it to others. He needs to be stopped.

Dee: You know what? Follow Anne's advice. Then ask to meet him in a public place, say a local coffee shop. Then tell him that had he approached you there, and made conversation, he wouldn't have regretted it. Tell him that you find him attractive, and if only he had tried to meet you in a regular way, you would have fucked him all night for weeks on end without any demands on him. Tell him you would have sunk to the floor of the shop right then and there and sucked him off and given him head whenever he wanted it. Tell him if he had acted like a decent, normal human, interested in you instead of having power over you, your body would have burned for him. But instead, you’re screwing him in a different way. (This is why you meet in public.) Make sure you've got the goods against him and have dotted your "I's" before you tackle this. The bastard. Too bad you can't get near his balls with a vise grip.

A Little Virtual Viagra

2011-08-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since we were online, but just like the Terminator, "We came back." We hope you are back with us!

There were many questions submitted while we were traveling from Virginia to Idaho, and here's one now.

Q: My husband is furious with me. He is a programmer professionally, so I thought when he came home he'd want a break, but he doesn't. He eats dinner and then disappears into the office until bedtime. He never talks about what he's doing, so earlier this week I started his computer just to look at the desktop. All of these porn sites opened up. I was shocked—I mean really shocked. We are church elders and follow the Bible. How could he sit in here for hours and look at naked women?? Don't get me wrong. There was nothing too perverse—no children or other men—but he has me for sex for why does he need to see these other…things?

Anne: I'm sure there is a good psychological reason why men enjoy porn, but the simple explanation is that they're more visually stimulated than women. The sight of a bare breast is exciting to them. Now it sounds as though your hubby has gone off the deep end, if he's spending hours at the computer terminal. I would suggest that you seek help—maybe couples counseling or a session with your minister—to see why he's looking for fulfillment in the virtual world rather than in the real bedroom.

Dee: What kind of sex life do you have? I mean. do you have a Bible reading before sleep? I believe in the Good Book, but (let's face it) that could have a diminishing effect on a man's pokey stick, you know? Instead of complaining about those nekkid girls, why don't you try joining them? Meet him at the door with nothing on but a smile, or tell him that dessert is on you, and really serve dessert on you. Your husband is obviously seeking something more exciting and "out there" than what he thinks he's getting at home. Maybe you should be happy that he is looking at girls on the computer screen and not out fucking some hot box in an alley.

On the other hand, you didn't mention your ages. Are you young, newly married, a mature couple, or in-between? That has some bearing on the situation, too. Is he accompanying the peek shows with phone sex? If you're too worried about greeting him with nothing on, maybe you could call him with a little oral stimulation—your lips whispering nasty, enticing images into his ear via the phone. In other words, don't just complain—get off your ass and do something to spark his interest.

If none of that words, seek out a therapist or divorce lawyer.

Moving Yet Again

2011-07-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Hi, A Little Sisterly Advice readers,

Anne and I are on the road again, this time to the great Northwest. While we are in the process of moving, the computer may be down a whole month and a half (yikes!) and we will be out of touch.

As soon as we are back up and running we will post answers to the questions you send us--so please keep sending those questions! We will receive them as soon as we have e-mail contact.

Wish us well in the move and the new jobs. We will miss you!!

Please enjoy some questions and answers from the past nearly three years of posts by clicking in the archive folders.

Take care, and please keep checking back for us--
Anne and Dee

A Very Worried Sister

2011-06-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I have reason to believe my brother-in-law is planning to harm my sister. I don't have proof, just a suspicion. What should I do?

Anne: Good heavens! How sure are you? Enough to go to authorities, warn your sister, take action if there are children involved? Or do you have a good enough imagination that you're stretching the facts? If you think there is real, imminent danger, talk to your sister—or brother-in-law. But if you're not sure there's really something imminent, remember that words can't be taken back and you will be affecting family dynamics forever.

Dee: First off, stop watching the Investigation Discovery network. Next, make damn sure you have your facts straight. You don't want to be the sister who says, "I knew something was wrong and I should have said something," but you also don't want to be the one who isn't included at Christmas because no one is speaking to you.

Overweight Sister

2011-06-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My sister is fat. I mean F-A-T. Over 250 pounds and she's not that tall. I've told her for years that she needs t lose weight, but she says I'm picking on her because I'm her big brother and should leave her alone. She's 28 and still not married. I know her weight is the reason. How can I make her see how unattractive she makes herself?

Anne: Here's an idea, why don't you leave her alone? If you had said that she was miserable with her state or you worried about her health, I might have some sympathy for your view. But she's 28 and not married?? I think you might be picking on her because you're her big brother. Lay off.

Dee: Who died and made you God? If it comes to appearances, unzip and drop trou, Mister. Let's see how you compare in the looks department. Someone as annoying as you seem to be from this one letter won't measure up, I'm sure.

I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding

2011-06-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.

Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.

BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.

Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?

Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?

Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.

Overweight in Oklahoma

2011-06-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My mother is always bugging me about my weight. I know I weigh more than I should but my boyfriend doesn't seem to care. We've been together for more than a year and he says he loves me no matter what. But my mom won't leave me alone. How can I tell her to lay off and not make her upset? We work together so a mad partner would be horrible to deal with every day.

Anne: Well, how much overweight are you? If your health is in danger then your mom is worried about that, I'm sure. If you're just a small number of pounds over and she thinks you don't look the way you did in high school, that's a different story. Get word from your doctor about your health and present those facts to your mom—unless your doctor agrees with your mom. Then maybe the time has come to listen and try to do something in your own best interests.

Dee: If sex is still fun, that's in your favor. However, if sex could be better without some of the flab, take it off, woman! Yeah, your man might love you no matter what—and it's great that he feels that way—but if sex starts to go because of a few pounds, he'll soon change his mind. Health, schmealth. It's how good the sex is that makes the determination of what you should do. I'm not sure exactly how you can explain that to your mom, though.

Happy Memorial Day!

2011-05-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

This is a time to remember those lost protecting our lives and country. And please join us in praying for those who still do.

Anne and Dee

Divorce is Never Easy

2011-05-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My husband wants a divorce. He told me last night, completely out of the blue. He evidently found someone he loves and he no longer loves me. I'm shattered. I don't know what to do. How do I start to handle this?

Anne: Call a lawyer, right now. Call the best one you can find and ask for immediate instructions, even if you can't get an appointment right away. There are things you need to take care of before any more time passes. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know right now you are stunned, but you need to try and get hold of your emotions. It will be better for you in the long run if you do that—even when you move from being stunned into being angry, which will happen. And then keep in mind that you'll change feelings again. This is like the grieving process you would go through for a death, so don't be afraid. It will pass eventually and you will get your life back. Good luck.

Dee: I wouldn't say find the best lawyer. I'd say to find the sleaziest, mean dog lawyer you can. Go to the bank immediately and tell them what going on—make sure your hubby hasn't emptied your joint accounts. Same with the credit cards. And if you don't have credit cards in your name, apply right away while you still have a married status. If you need to see a shrink, don't feel bad or embarrassed. Anne was right about controlling your emotions. Only if you are in control will you be able to appreciate truly the good feeling of grabbing his balls and squeezing and twisting until he squeals like the pig he is. Good luck. Have fun!

What's a Little Erotic Romance between Friends?

2011-05-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I write erotic romance (competition for you, Dee!). You would know my name if I shared it, and I have developed quite a loyal fan group. The problem I have is that none of my friends or relatives appreciate what I write. They call it porn and won't "soil their minds."

That they don't buy my books isn't the problem—fortunately, plenty of other people do. It's that they denigrate the value of my work. They say I'm not a "real" writer because I don't write the same thing Hemingway or Faulkner did. I don't write "literature." So how can I convince them that I am not only a good writer, I am as accomplished as many people they admire—just in a different genre?

Anne: Maybe they don't like the subject matter, but can't they appreciate your voice, style and wording? If not, then I don't see how you can convince them. You can't change what someone sees if they refuse to look.

Dee: Are you a) competition or b) a sister writer, making her mark alongside mine? You'd better pick b or we're going to have a pissing contest on sales.

This is one of the few times I agree wholeheartedly with sis. If they refuse to see what's in front of them, screw 'em and keep on writing!

And one other thing, erotic romance isn't porn, but what's wrong with porn?

Pure Happiness

2011-05-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My mother wants me to go on birth control pills. I'm fifteen and have not had sex. In addition, I have signed a chastity pact stating I won't have sex until I get married. I am a straight A student and haven't given my mother cause to worry. She thinks because she got pregnant before she finished high school that I will, too. How can I get her to trust me?

Sign me Happy to Be a Virgin

Anne: Wow. After all that she doesn't believe you won't have sex? If getting good grades, stating your intentions and not getting into trouble isn't enough, I'm not sure what is. Have your doctor talk to her and explain the disadvantages to taking the pill, especially if there's no need. Keep on getting on! You're a good example and an inspiration to other girls.

Maybe Dee can help you more since she did everything you aren't. Sister, dear!

Dee: I hardly know what to say, Virgin. It seems to me your mom should be ecstatic to have the only 15-year old virgin in the country. AND you make good grades, AND you signed a chastity pledge. Anne, you aren't trying to trick me, are you?

Okay, here's the deal. Pharmaceuticals are very valuable things—when they are needed. Your mom obviously wants you to have advantages she didn't have, but if you don't need the pill, you shouldn't be taking it. Maybe if you tell her that you promise—and this has to be a sworn, sacred vow—that if you do plan to engage in sex that you will then go to the doc and get the pill, maybe she'll give you a break.

The trouble is—and your mom knows this much better than you—sex happens even when it isn't planned. So do pregnancies. And no well-intentioned celibacy pacts will protect you from getting in the family way once you unintentionally cross that line in the back seat of Johnny's Ford Camaro (or whatever). Hope you're happy then.

Jerry or Hubby?

2011-05-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q; All my girlfriend wants to do is watch TV. And she watches trash like Jerry Springer and Maury. She tapes it while we're at work and then wants to watch it at night. I can't stand to be around when that stuff is on but I can't pry her away from the set. Sex used to be great—from what I remember. Maybe I could put up with her TV shit if it made her horny but it seems to do the opposite. Any advice?

Anne: Have you told her about your feelings? I mean have you talked, not yelled or been sarcastic. There is some reason why your wife has turned to this kind of TV at night when the two of you could be together. Maybe you should seek counseling.

Dee: Have you tried stripping down and parading in front of the Mrs.? (Yes, I have also seen those shows and know how they work.) If that doesn't work, find some way to disable the VCR or the TV. Have cable taken out.

Hell, if nothing works, have the whole couch up taken out, with the wife on it. If she prefers Jerry to you, buy her a ticket to CT and wave bye-bye.

The Eggs of Easter

2011-04-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: This is embarrassing to talk about, but I need advice. My boyfriend gave me an egg for Easter. To tell the truth, I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. Help!!

Anne: Is it a colored egg? We always used to eat them… Or is it one of those blown out, decorative eggs? They're pretty. If it falls outside those realms. I don't know, either.

Dee: Lucky you! The last egg I got from Adam and Eve sends me into orbit after only a few seconds of use. So here are a few suggestions. If it's remote controlled, plan an evening out. Dress up. Insert the egg, right about at your G-spot and make sure you hold it there—maybe with a thong if you wear them or by keeping your thighs tight, which actually increases the pleasure. Then present your boyfriend with the controller. Believe me, he will surprise you lots during your evening. and at the most delicious times. You will get a thrill and so will he, watching your reaction.

Or let him have control while you're in bed. Let him tease your pussy and clit. I'll bet that when you're good and wet he'll finish the job of bringing you to orgasm himself.

Last, the egg is great for those horny moments alone. Use your wildest fantasy and touch the vibrating egg to your clit. In no time at all you'll be smiling. The egg is one of my very favorite sex toys! Hope you enjoy yours as much.

Anne: Good heavens!

All Tied Up

2011-04-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My husband says our sex life has become old. Well, after wrestling four kids under the age of 7 all day, yeah I'm tired at night. Lately I've found bondage site on our computer history, and I wonder if that's what he has in mind to spice things up. I admit, I could go for a little light bondage—emphasis on light. But how can I be sure he doesn't want to go farther than I'm willing?

Anne: Well, you have to talk to him plainly about what you are and are not willing to do. Make sure you are both on the same page so your expectations are acceptable. Remember, once you're tied to the bedposts, you are only able to do so much until you are untied. Is this what you want?

Dee: Good for you, for being willing to try something new. As long as neither party goes beyond what the other is willing to accept, bondage can be fun. On the other hand, it can get pretty complicated. For a free site to check out, try Bondage. Or Bedroom Bondage, with the innocuous looking Lorelei to put you at ease. Don't forget, bondage goes both ways—strap him to the bedposts, too. It does a man good to be totally at a woman's mercy now and then. A blowjob while he's unable to do anything is pretty amazing to a guy--or so I'm told. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you both agree to it. Then let your fantasies run free. If you trust your partner, there should be no fear, only pleasure. Here's to getting tied up in each other!

Nearly 60 and Loving It

2011-04-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I am a woman nearly 60-years old and quite well off. I have become attracted to a man in his early 20s. In fact, he's finishing college this spring. He's bright and intelligent and young, and he makes me feel young again. He escorts me to opera, ballet and art gallery openings, but truth be told I'd want to be with him for the sex alone. It's better than anything I've ever known—intense, emotional and frequent. He's taught me about anal sex (which I've never been brave enough to try) and things like pocket rockets and ben wa balls. Sex with him is like a whole, forbiiden world I've loved exploring. The problem is my friends, family and his friends and family. On his side, everyone thinks he's doing something awful spending his time with an old woman. On my side, everyone thinks he's after my money and just wants to live off me. They are making life difficult for us. I'm in this for the ride and have no illusions that he loves me. I give him gifts because I like to and I can. Is there anything wrong with that?

Anne: It could be said that you are leading him down a bad path, encouraging him to rely on a woman for his livelihood. However, if both of you accept the rules of the game you've started, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I would advise you not to sign anything.

Dee: Good golly. You're almost 60 and you snapped up a young 20 something guy?? How the hell did you do that? Conversation, escort duties and all the fucking you can handle (or maybe more, dare I hope?). Life has treated you well woman! Tell those screwball friends and family that they're just jealous and if they can't get with the program, to buzz off. Take life by the horns! You can't make your friends happy and they shouldn't have the power to fuck up your happiness.

A Horse Ain't Always a Horse

2011-04-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend of three months and I just finished watching Secretariat. I thought it was a sweet, brave and inspiring movie. Jim made wisecracks all through it until I didn't even want to sit there with him. When it was over I showed him the door and he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. This has pointed out that his attitude about the movie is present in all kinds of things—things I'd been willing to overlook. Now I wonder if I should be overlooking them. If his actions during a movie bother me this much, won't other things—more important things—bother me even more in the future?

Anne: I would say that this might be a sign of things to come, so maybe you should think through this relationship carefully. Life ain't a movie.

Dee: Know what I got out of Secretariat? He sired 600 foals! That was one fucking good horse. Really, are you asking us about whether you should stay with your boyfriend because he made fun of a "sweet, brave, inspiring" movie? Are you listening to yourself??

Harrison High School Jerk

2011-03-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: A guy I had a huge crush on in high school took me out once our senior year. We didn't have sex (though we came close) and he never called or really talked to me again. I always thought it was because I didn't let him "go all the way," but maybe it was because I was kind of chubby and wore glasses and stuff. I saw him a few weeks ago and I'm quite different looking. He didn't remember my name—or that we dated that one time—but he sure is interested now. What should I do?

Anne: Well, that stinks, but really, high school is over and done with. It all depends on how you feel now, as an adult. If you met up with him and find you want to go out, do it. I would say though, that if you have any kind of idea of revenge for the wrong he did you in high school, forget it. If he's still the same jerk he was back then, just don't go out with him again.

Dee: What can we say? Guys are jerks often enough when they're grown up. In high school there's no hope at all. They're totally hormone driven, with fucking on the mind morning, noon and night. If you didn't give it up, he might well have been stupid enough to forget about you. If he pulls the same shit now, blow him off—and I don't mean in the fun way you both will enjoy. Good luck.

When Is a Dress Just a Dress?

2011-03-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I have a zillion dresses and skirts and slacks and gads of other stuff in my closet. I know it's too much but I can't seem to get rid of any of it. And I keep buying. What can I do?

Anne: Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist. You need help to control your spending and hoarding habit.

Dee: Your problem is obvious, and so is the solution. You buy clothes as a replacement for sex. Buying slacks to cover your legs is easier to you than finding a man to fit between your legs. You hold onto the clothes because they represent being fucked—which is what you really want. You buy a dress; you wish you had a man with a stiff dick. You buy a new purse; you wish you were being banged against the bedroom wall. You open your closet and see dresses by the dozens; you wish each one was really a memory of a mind-shifting orgasm brought on by a lover's tongue.

Forget buying a new tee shirt. Go buy a box of extra large Trojans and find someone who fits them. After you've been laid, you won't feel the need to buy anything—except maybe sexy lingerie and fuck me heels.

Small-minded Indeed

2011-03-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: Joe and I have been dating for three years. We're close to 30 and both getting our professions started, so I haven't been too worried that he hasn't asked me to marry him. We talk around it more than about it, but we both agree that we are soul mates. The thing I am concerned about though is that he can't seem to stop looking at other women. Waitresses who take our order at the diner, the receptionist at his office, women walking down the street, even women in the next cars at stop lights. He just laughs it off when I tell him how much it bothers me. He says jealousy is the sign of a small mind. Like I said, we're soul mates and I'm sure he loves me, but this does bother me. I just don't know if I should pay attention to him and try to put it out of mind or really confront him and risk humiliation or his anger.

Anne: If it bothers you this much it should bother him. To brush you off with a wave of his hand and some glib comment shows a lack of caring on his part. If he's truly your soul mate, he will take whatever disturbs you seriously. Confront him.

Dee: Start commenting on guys—do you do this already? You know that old "fair for the goose, fair for the gander stuff"? Well, it's true. If he notices women, then you should notice men. Comment frequently on their cute butts and the packages hidden in their jeans. Ogle a cute waiter and be sure to mention his attributes to your boyfriend. Be sincere. If he doesn't show the shred of small-minded jealousy—not the tiniest shred—I'd say your soul mate thinks of you as a friend with soulful benefits, not a wife.

My SIster is Having Sex

2011-03-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I know my little sister is having sex. She's only 15. From the perspective of five years, I know what she's doing can ruin her life. She knows that I started having sex early, so what can I say or do now to steer her away from what she's doing?

Anne: Try explaining to her that now you regret your activities when you were a teen and tell her why. It's hard because in this day being pregnant as a teen doesn't carry the stigma it did in my youth, but even without the shame of being an unwed mother, having a child can completely change your life. The bigger worry to me is the chance of contracting aids, though, or some STD. Take her to a public health clinic and talk to a nurse who knows the stats regarding the age where aids presents itself—that will show that it's most often contracted in the younger years.

Dee: You are the voice of experience. Define to yourself why you wish you hadn't screwed around as a teen and then explain that to her. Don't preach. Be straightforward in why you think having sex early is bad—give firm, actual examples. Don't preach. Tell her that no matter how responsible she thinks she's being, no one at her age is really responsible—they give into emotion and pressure. One moment can change everything for her. Talk about what she wants in her future and how random sex can affect that. But don't preach.

A Night of Slumming

2011-02-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I realize this is going to make me sound like a shallow, insensitive person, but I'm embarrassed to be dating the man I am currently seeing. I'm a very, very high-profile, successful woman. If I told you where I live you would probably guess who I am, in fact. About three months ago I met a man in a bar I frequent when I'm feeling slummy. I usually find someone there to shack up with in a nearby no-tell motel for a night of hot sex. That night the man I met intrigued me from the very beginning. His humor, his good looks, his sexy smile swept me off my feet and I couldn't wait to get him naked and pounding into me—which happened less than 2 hours after our first double shot of Jim Beam. Thing is, one night with him hasn't been enough. Hell, all night fuck fests on 78 different occasions hasn't been enough. I can't get my fill of this guy. We always meet in a place I'm sure no one I know would be caught dead, and I sense he's getting a little tired of being hidden away. Here's my problem: he cleans out septic systems for a living. As soon as he starts speaking it's obvious he has little education—though he's very intelligent, in an earthy, practical kind of way. I like him, God knows I love his body and what the man does with his dick, but I can't see him in the normal way a man a woman date. I can't possibly bring him into the light of day. That might sound snobbish, but I can't help it. How can I keep him and still maintain my self respect?

Anne: Tell him exactly what you just told us and see if he agrees to be your boy toy. Don't be surprised if he tells you to fuc… uh, take a long walk off a short pier. I would.

Dee: Jeez, you have a real problem. Now, where is this bar you go? And I mean exact directions.

As far as how you keep this God of Fucking, I don't think you do. Send me exact directions to him, too.

Fathers-in-Law and Husbands

2011-02-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I have a model man for a father-in-law—literally. He was a fashion model for years and now runs his own agency. He's handsome as sin, intelligent, successful, wealthy, fun—the list goes on and on. As a corporate attorney, I have more in common with him than I do my husband's profession. I love my husband of two years, Hank, but unfortunately, he takes more after his mother than his father. His job is very low key (claims adjustor) and he lacks much ambition beyond doing 9-to-5 and then finding the nearest sports bar where he and his old high school buddies can watch a ball game. His mother and father have been estranged, so I only met Hank's dad a couple of months ago.

The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?

Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.

Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.

BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.

If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.

Valentine Victim

2011-02-13T19:50:00.000-08:00

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Super Bowl Bickering

2011-02-06T22:25:00.000-08:00

Q: I just finished watching the Super Bowl with my boyfriend of three months and he's ticked. Most women get into arguments with their men because they don't like sports. I got into it because I not only like it, I know more about it than Mark (boyfriend). I could explain the finer points of the game to him (and did, which was bad, right?), and won $10 because I chose Green Bay to win. What can I do to make Mark see that I may be a sports nut but I'm still a girl?

Anne: Let's see…the Super Bowl is football, right? I don't know much about sports (can you tell?). I've always used that to my advantage, however, by cuddling up to Jack and asking him to explain things to me. I've found that if you act in a way that reflects how you want others to see you, they usually do. Do something that lets Mark know that an interest in sports doesn't mean you're a jock.

Dee: Obviously to everyone except Mark the Dolt that you are all woman. Why else would you enjoy watching men touch each others' butts, hug and basically run around being hunky? You'd probably like a little towel snapping competition in the locker room, too. If Mark doesn't get it, then he's a weenie and maybe you should reconsider someone with so little self-confidence. Or maybe it's the $10 that has him pissed. Offer to buy him dinner with the winnings and see what he says.

Dream Lover

2011-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I am a grown woman—well past childhood. But I have the biggest crush on a TV star. I won't say who it is, but he's on one of the CSI shows. Oh my God, I think of him all the time. I imagine him kissing me and running his hands all over my body while he tongues my nipples. I've never seen him naked, but I can picture him, erect and hard. I daydream about kneeling before him and sucking him off until he comes in my mouth. Worst, when my husband and I have sex, it's my dream man I feel pushing into me and I come harder than ever before. I know—I know—this kind of delusion is childish, but I can't seem to get past it. What can I do? I feel myself pulling away from my husband and daydreaming more about my Star Man.

Anne: I think this is more an issue between you and your husband. Something is wrong and you've substituted a safe lover for the man with whom you're having trouble. Get counseling before your daydreams ruin your marriage.

Dee: Wow! I had to take a break and sip something cold before I could sit still long enough to type.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming a secret lover now and then. We all have fantasies. But you have to know the difference between fucking a dream and fucking the man you've said you would spend your real life with. If you are confused about that, it's time to step back and reevaluate—maybe with a marriage counselor.

Winter Blahs

2011-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: The dreary winter weather has me down. I don't feel like making love and my boyfriend doesn't understand.

Anne: There is plenty of documentation online that you can use to prove to your boyfriend that there is such a thing as the winter blahs. Make sure he knows this isn't just something you're making up, and then figure out together what the two of you can do to make the best of the situation.

Dee: First, are you sure this isn't an excuse? Do you enjoy fucking? If you don't, no amount of online research is going to make a difference. If you're sure the winter blahs is your problem, buy a sunlamp, for Pete's sake. Find a tanning salon with one, or sit under a skylight for a few minutes each day. Take vitamin D pills. You're letting winter control your sex life? Wake up, wussy, and do something about the problem.

I'm not saying the shorter days of winter don't cause problems. I'm just saying that winter is not the end of the world, or the end of sex.

The End of Football Season

2011-01-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I wonder what most women do when their husband's are glued to the football playoffs. I shop online. What do you do?

Anne: Online shopping sounds fun but too expensive for me. I read. (Right now I'm reading The White Lady by Philippa Gregory.)

Dee: Watching big, healthy men fight it out on a field of battle gets my blood warm. I watch with Jack, scream and (especially) moan at all the appropriate times, touching, cuddling and tossing in a few wet kisses along the way. My nipples harden and my pussy twitches each time there's a pile-up—all those husky men on top of other husky men. Near the end of play I'm hot to go. Let's just say we don't watch the post-game analysis. It's cheaper than shopping, good aerobic exercise, and a lot more fun.

Do You KNow the Way to San Jose?

2011-01-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: Lately (for about a year now), I've been dating a man I love with all my heart. He loves me, too, but unfortunately he's married. His wife absolutely will not give him a divorce, though he's asked over and over. I live in Texas and he lives in California, near San Francisco. I've had to live with seeing him when he comes here on sales trips, and until now I've been thrilled with every moment we could steal. But last week I was offered a promotion at work and it's in San Jose, mere miles from where he lives. Living closer to him, I know I won't be happy with only a few tidbits of snatched time. I'm hoping to have him move in with me. On the other hand, I don't want to give his bitch of a wife more cause to make his life hell. If I don't take the promotion, we can go on as we have, hard as it is. But if I take it, maybe we could have a whole new life. What do you think?

Anne: Dating a married man brings grief over happiness 99% of the time. I don't know what will happen in your case, but take the promotion because it's right for you, not what it might or might not mean for you and your lover. Making a major decision like your life and livelihood based on someone else's desires is an invitation to misery.

Dee: Hey, dating a married man is okay as long as the sex is good. And married men never stretch the truth when it comes to describing their home lives to their mistresses. Right. And bears don't shit in the woods.

It's possible your guy is telling you the truth, that his wife won't give him a divorce. But no one can stop him from moving out of the house if he's so fuckin' unhappy with her. Keep an open mind—he might be lying to you. And don't be too surprised if he's not thrilled when he finds out you're moving close by. Your big promotion may not be the happy event to him that it is to you. If that's the case, you'd better examine his feelings for you and even more, your feelings for him.

To Be (Engaged) or Not To Be (Engaged)

2011-01-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: New Years Eve was a bust and a boon. My boyfriend asked me to marry him at midnight. I was so happy. Later, we lost track of each other in the crowd. When I found him—before 1:00—he was in a corner with not one but two girls, feeling them up and giving tongue. I felt like such a fool. Now I don't know what to do. He says he was too drunk to know what he was doing and that I'm over-reacting. Maybe that's true…I just don't know.

Anne: If he was too drunk to know what he was doing when you saw him, was he too drunk to know what he was doing less than an hour earlier when he asked you to marry him? I'd say this relationship calls for more time before you decide he's the man forever and ever.

Dee: Gosh, I wonder what made him feel the need to drink himself to oblivion between midnight and 1:00…? Maybe the thought of a lifetime's commitment, hmmm? Kiss him senseless, fuck him up one side and down the other if you want, but give an engagement a bit more time.

Merry Christmas - Happy New Year!

2010-12-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Anne and I are enjoying our week between Christmas and New Years with those we love. We hope you are doing the same!

Please check back next week for more interesting and amusing answers to problems sent in by our readers.
Dee

Appreciating Each and Every Minute

2010-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: Last week, when coming out of the grocery store, I stopped to help an elderly man lift his groceries in the trunk of his car. He started talking and I couldn't help but listen as he explained that his wife of 48 years had recently died. He said he hadn't been the best of husband's but that came home to him when going through his wife's things. Back in the closet he found a box. Inside, a dress was neatly folded. He didn't remember the dress, he said, or even the date written on a yellowed sheet of paper laying on top. "December 20, 1959. I wore this dress to the Sanford Christmas part and David said I looked beautiful." With tears shimmering in his eyes, he told me he didn't remember telling his wife that she was beautiful. In fact, he was sure he hadn't paid her enough loving attention for most of their marriage, and now he regretted that every day. I can't get the man out of my mind. I've tried to think of the last time my husband told me I was beautiful or when I last complimented him. How can I get it across that our time on Earth is finite, and we should appreciate every second with the ones we love?

Anne: What a touching and beautiful story. Of course, you can always tell him you love him, but what about finding new ways to say it? Cook or bake something he loves once a week. Tuck notes in his lunch that let him know you're thinking of him. Plan a day to do whatever he wants—even if it's nothing, or watching a ballgame on TV. Hold his hand. Smile. Flirt. I hope whatever you do works.

Dee: Well, of course I also thought of doing things he likes but my mind ran in a different direction. Fix a dinner he likes—and include an aphrodisiac, like oysters or chocolate. Plan an evening out to somewhere he wants to go—and let him know you're not wearing panties. Hold his hand—and when you're in a private spot (or semi-private?), place it over your breast. Or put your hand over his cock beneath the drape of a tablecloth. Give him a blowjob when he's least expecting it. Buy something new and special at Adam and Eve, or if you're able, plan a weekend to a Sybaris resort. Telling him that you should appreciate your time together is always more special with a little fucking to frost the cake. Have fun getting your message across!

Traveling Broadens the Mind...and Spreads the Legs

2010-12-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

Q: I just finished my undergraduate degree and have a unique opportunity to travel through Europe for six months with a good friend who speaks several languages and knows the various countries. It's the chance of a lifetime. The trouble is, my friend is a guy, Herb. My fiancé, Robert, doesn't understand that Herb and I are just friends. He is insisting that if I take the trip I might as well not come back planning to marry him. I love Robert, but I know I will never be able to travel like this again. Work will drag me down and then Robert and I will be married and he wants kids right away. Once we start a family I'll never break away. Any ideas on how I can convince Robert that I do love Herb—but only as a friend and that there's nothing wrong with sharing a trip with him? Herb is paying for all the accommodations and travel once we're on the Continent—all I have to do is get myself there and pay for my food. How can I pass this up?

Anne: Are you sure Herb thinks of you as only a friend? I don't know, but to me it seems a little strange to ask a woman on a trip, especially since he is handling hotel concerns. As for Robert, I think he might be over-reacting a bit, but I don't think I'd be happy to have my fiancé traveling for six months with a friend of the opposite gender. Chance of a lifetime is right, but you'd better consider which lifetime you want to live. This trip is for six months but haven't you decided that Robert is the next many years?

Dee: My advice? Tell Robert to screw himself and then fuck Herb from Dublin to Moscow. Hell, if you decide to give in to Robert, give Herb my number—I'd go off for a six month trip virtually paid for by someone else.

The thing I noticed was your wording. Work will drag me down and then I'll be married. Quite a combination of thoughts. Then you said once you start a family you won't break away. If that's the way you really think of things, you aren't ready to be engaged or married. Tell Robert au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen and take advantage of Herb's generosity. And if he wants to take advantage of more, you might find you don't mind spreading your legs for a "good friend" within view of the London Tower, the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, the Danube, and so on. You go, girl!

Sex for Diamonds

2010-12-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I want a diamond for Christmas in the worst way. I'm in my mid-20s and have been dating the same man for nine months. I love him and I think we are perfect together. I mean, everything about him is wonderful—he has a good job with great pay, he's handsome and he likes taking me out to great places. He's always buying me things and saying he wants to make me happy. And I am! Needless to say, the sex is fantastic. He's always ready to try new things and has taken me on sexual fantasies I didn't know I had. I tell him that every time he gives me a new present, I will give him a new treat in bed. So far the presents have been coming in and I've dug through sex books to come up with his rewards (he especially loves my blowjobs in unusual positions!). But now I want the real thing—a ring, a wedding and a piece of paper that says he's mine. What can do in these last weeks before Christmas to clinch the deal?

Anne: It sounds as though you're taken with him, but I wonder if it's for the right reasons. You don't say anything about him—his character, his soul. All you mention are material things. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why you're trying to "clinch the deal" instead of share a personal life with the man that goes beyond gifts and sex.

Dee: There's a word for women who have sex in exchange for money or gifts. Not to say that's you, but… Well, maybe I am saying that's you. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hey, your guy's a willing participant in all this. But he sounds as though he's happy showering you with gifts as long as he can stick you with his big one and maneuver through some new position once a week or so. You're wanting to change the rules of the game, and to me it sounds as though the reason is to secure that community property. Again, nothing wrong with that—a girl needs some security when those Kama Sutra tangles are no longer possible. Because, Lady, even if you should get that diamond, I don't see this as a long-term relationship. I don't think your guy does, either.

My advice? Keep up your looks and stay limber. Take all the gifts this guy is willing to give and then move on to the next guy who is willing to fuck in exchange for a few trinkets. If that's your idea of a relationship, there are always men willing to play along. But that's all it will be. Maybe you can ask your current boyfriend for references when he's ready to call it quits. The good news? In this rotten economy, you've found a job that actually pays, and pays pretty well. Good going!

Giving Thanks Without the Family

2010-11-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. He's funny. smart and successful. All my friends tell me how cute he is and the sex is great. The thing is, three years of dating for an adult is a long time. He's not only never talked about marriage or any serious commitment. he's never even taken me home to meet his family. Not for anything—birthdays, weddings, holidays, nothing. We meet up with his friends and mine to do things but don't you think it's strange that he wouldn't invite me to anything where his family is involved? They live less than 40 miles away, and even if his parents come into town for dinner or his brother comes for a ballgame, it's always without me. Do you think that means anything? The latest "miss" was last week. He went to his folks' for Thanksgiving and I stayed here in town for the holiday alone.

Anne: It definitely sounds as though he's not ready for a commitment. You have to make up your mind if going along as you are is a deal breaker or not. If you're ready to settle down and want much more, you need to tell him straight out and see what he says. If he still indicates he's not ready, maybe you need to free yourself to look for someone who is.

Dee: You can stick a fork in him, but he's not ready. Stop screwing this turkey and find someone new to gobble.

Thankful Thursday

2010-11-21T21:07:00.000-08:00

Hello, all,

Anne here. Dee and I are taking the week off to give thanks. I'm thankful that we have wonderful family and friends, though they're far away. Dee says she's especially grateful for long lasting batteries and something called the Clitinator. (What in the world…?)

Anyway, we're both thankful for the love of a good man, that we live in a great country and that we have great, fine, wonderful men and women of the military who are willing to sacrifice in order to protect us. There will never be thanks enough for them and their families.

And we're very grateful for all of you, our readers and our books. Thank you!

We hope your holiday is safe and blessed.
Anne (and Dee)

Older But Maybe Not Wiser

2010-11-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I'm what's come to be known as a cougar. My boyfriend of a year is 12 years younger than me. I'm…let's say past the legal drinking age by about 25 years and he's in his 30s. He seems perfectly happy with our relationship. I love parts of it (especially the frequent and fantastic sex), but I get nervous going out with him. I keep thinking everyone's staring at us and wondering how much I'm paying to get a young stud for a date. What I think they're saying behind my back makes me feel like a slut, not a nice man's lover. If we could stay home, just with each other, I'd be more content, but he's very social and likes to be out with his friends. What should I do?

Anne: It's a cliché to say that if the roles were reversed—if you were a man and he a woman—no one would think anything of the situation you're in. You are woman. Let's hear you roar. I say try to enjoy your relationship—he seems to be.

Dee: OMG! You are being fucked senseless by—in your own words—a stud, and you're questioning what? Why he's screwing you? Something about your technique must be good. Then are you asking why he takes you out with his friends? He must not be embarrassed by your looks or manners. So you're wondering why he "seems perfectly happy" with the status quo? Lady, you must be doing something right!!!!

Now, if you think there's something wrong with what you're doing, like if you think there's something morally objectionable about an older woman being with a younger man, then break it off. Send him away to make some other older woman happy. Otherwise, relax, smile and enjoy your good fortune—plenty of other women would love being between your bed sheets.

Boobs or Booby Prize?

2010-11-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I don't know whether to be insulted or elated. After a long, dry spell, I finally have a boyfriend. We've dated for a couple of months and the sex is great. Or at least, I think it is. For me it has been. I've always known I wasn't Mary Big Boobs, but I thought my girls were attractive enough. Until last week said boyfriend offered to pay for the surgery if I'd get them increased by 2-3 inches. He says he's a breast man and he just doesn't get all that turned on with me looking the way I do. Funny, I thought he was turned on. Now I don't know if I should take the money and run, or just run.

Anne: Run. Any man who has been making love and then can make such a comment doesn't deserve you. If he isn't excited by who you are, find someone who is. Plus, there's a huge risk to you if something goes wrong.

Dee: This isn't about making love, it's about fucking, and half of that is fantasy. The surgical risks aside—and they are considerable, so be sure you do your homework—how do you feel about having larger breasts? Would they make you pleased with your reflection or self-conscious?

Assuming you wouldn't be unhappy with a bigger bra size, and assuming you are willing to find a really good surgeon with a track record of success (you're not paying, remember), and assuming all payments are made up front (no pun intended), then I say go for it. After all, relationships come and go, but 38Ds last forever.

Halloween Habit

2010-10-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

Q: I like dressing up and going out, and Halloween is a big deal for me. Every year I try to outdo the previous year's costume. It just so happens that each year the fabric in my costume covers less and less of me. Actually, I like looking slutty now and then, and again, what better time than Halloween? My boyfriend of eight months (meaning he didn't know me last Halloween) says I look like I want to fuck all night, with whoever's available at the party. I say he's dressing like a pirate and looks hotter than Johnny Depp, so who's trying to attract attention? I think he'd be happy if I dressed as an Arab woman and wore a burkha. I can't convince him that the only guy I plan to screw Halloween night is him—and that light is dimming with each of his criticisms. What should I do, give in or be myself?

Anne: Be yourself, always. Once he sees you're not out to score with the guys at the party, he will understand.

Dee: Wear a burkha to make him happy and tell every guy you meet that you're not wearing anything under it. See if that makes him any happier. And who knows? Maybe someone will be willing to sneak under the robe and give you a little tickle. That would be fun...

Someone who wants to cheat will find a way to do it regardless of what they're wearing. Whether or not you later spend the night with him screwing like rabbits is up to you. Frankly, I might try finding someone willing to take you as you are—a once-a-year slut with good intentions.

Desperate Denver Dan

2010-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: How can I convince my wife to have sex when her family is visiting? This year has been hell. I'm working and my wife is, too. Unfortunately, a good number of her family is not, and they've all been staying with us. First one brother, then another brother with his wife and kid, her sister with her two kids and then her mom decided to come for two weeks. Now the first brother is lai off and back again. We have a small house and my wife has refused to have sex unless we happen to be home and all of them are out—which has happened twice in three months. I'm about to die—or kill someone. Which should I do to get back to normal relations?

Anne: You poor guy! But what a nice guy, too, to help your wife's family. I think (if financially possible) you should pay everyone to go out to dinner or a movie once a week. Or maybe you and your wife could afford a motel room now and then? You're stuck between helping family and helping yourself. Just remember that this bad economy won't last forever.

Dee: I understand it's difficult to explain to a brother that you want some time alone to hump his sister, but you are married. It's not like you're asking him to give you time alone to fuck his teenage sister in the bed of a 1985 Ford at the end of a farm lane in Virginia Beach. Not that anyone I know ever did that… Anyway, if you can't talk to her family and convince them to leave you alone, then you have to do something else. Go somewhere. "Get a room," or even use the bed of an old Ford pickup. Be imaginative or your marriage will end before the recession.

In the meantime, have you suggested she give you a little relief? A BJ might be nice to take the edge off, or even a hand job. Don't be shy.

MickyD Marriage Threat

2010-10-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I am married to a junk food junkie. I only like to eat organic, healthy food and it drives me crazy to find a McDonald's wrapper in the car. Before we got married (9 months ago), she said she would change. She hasn't gained weight but we've been talking about starting a family, and how can I allow her to become pregnant when she cares so little for her health?

Anne: How can you allow her to become pregnant? This is something the two of you need to discuss and decide on, not just you. As for her eating habits, it's important, of course, but not the end of the world if your bride eats fast food now and then. Lighten up.

Dee: Yeah, we all know that fast food and healthy, natural food are opposites. If your wife stops at Hardees for a sausage biscuit at breakfast, goes to Taco Bell for lunch and hits MickeyDs for dinner every day, maybe you have reason to worry. But if she stops by one of those joints once in a while, it's nothing. My question to you is, you obviously knew she liked fast food before you got married, right? You marry someone the way they are, not the way you want them to be. You love 'er? Then give her a break and stop being a food nanny. I'll bet there are things about you that drive her crazy, too.

And just another little note, if she should start to gain a little fast food weight, fucking is great exercise. In bed there are always interesting things to eat--for both of you.

Can You Say Dil-doh?

2010-10-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I have a fake penis, but the thing came with no instructions. How do I use it?

Anne: Having never used one, I’m not sure, but aren’t they kind of self-explanatory??

Dee: You didn’t say very much about the dildo. (Say it out loud: dil-doh. It won’t bite you. Or if the one you have does bite, send me the brand name immediately.) Is it a vibrating model, straight line or more anatomically correct in shape, wired or wireless, soft and skin-like or hard and unbending? Use the dildo to rub your clit, tease your labia and then insert it into your vagina. In other words, use it like a (good, hunky, skilled) man would—in, out, in, out. It’s not rocket science, though used properly, it can set off rockets in your pussy.

Whatever kind of unit it is, I hope you bought a cleaner. Special coverings require a special to keep the surface supple. Even if you are using just soap, make sure to clean the whole surface thoroughly after each use—remember where it’s been and where it will be going again. (Obviously, if you have a battery-powered unit, you don’t submerge the unit.) Then dry it completely.

Some recommend using condoms as extra protection. This will work if what you have is a regularly shaped dildo and not a rocket or a rabbit style.

Remember too, that when a dildo is used like a cock, your pussy tends to think it is a cock. Do the same things after using the dildo that you would if you’d just had regular, old sex. And like sex with a cock, be warned that fucking yourself can become addicting. You know exactly where to touch, where to rub, where to be rough and where to be gentle. You’ve got a lot of good times ahead of you! Have fun!

Where Do I Start?

2010-10-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s the best way for me to learn about sex and how to do it? I don’t want to look stupid.

Anne: How old are you??? I have a feeling you’re young enough that I should ask if you listen in health class, but that’s actually pretty darn young these days. I’d rather not offer advice on this topic unless I know I’m not talking to a 10-year-old.

Dee: Well, it’s sad but true that most 10-year-old kids today know more about sex than I did at 16. That’s not to say I didn’t make up for things at a later time. However, no matter how old you are if you’re interested enough to ask the question you deserve an answer of some sort. Talk to you parents (or one of them) if you feel you can. Talk to a teacher or other adult you trust. Do not ask your friends, who are just as ignorant as you on the topic. If you are considering jumping into the hot tub of sex, make sure you know that the water can be pretty damn hot and not fun or nice. Make sure you know how to be safe, first and foremost. Make sure you’re ready, which frankly, if you’re writing us the kind of question you did, you aren’t. I hope you step back and decide to be a kid for a while longer.

When is Short Too Short?

2010-09-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I have a bet with my mother. When is a dress too short?

Anne: It’s hard to answer such an open question. It depends a lot on where the dress is being worn. Personally, I think a dress higher than two inches above the knee is too short for the work environment, while maybe three or four inches above the knee might be fine for going out at night. Knee-length is right for church events. Does that settle the bet?

Dee: If the man you're with mentions a bush whacker, your dress might be too short, no matter where you are. If your boss suddenly says that he likes pussy cats more than puppy dogs, your dress is too short. If you’re walking down a city street, yet overhear comments about beavers, your dress is too short. And after catching a glimpse of your hemline, if a man drops his papers, loses his train of thought and stammers like a tongue-tied adolescent (which granted, isn’t all that hard to do to a guy), your dress is probably too short.

Use common sense.

Losing Control in Cleveland

2010-09-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I feel stifled. I need adventure. Unfortunately I have a husband and two children under the age of 7. What can I do? I feel like I'll die if I stay as I am.

Anne: This sounds like something more than we can deal with, but first, what have you done to make your life more adventurous? Do you have friends who also have young children? If so, have you talked about sharing time so everyone gets a break now and then? Are both of your kids in school? If so, have you considered taking a class at a local school, too? You don't say, but what is your age and skill set? Have you considered a part-time job? There are many available now that you can do at home if you have a computer. I think perhaps you need to use a little imagination. But I also think you need to talk to someone closer to you and the situation. Maybe your husband or a family member, minister or friend.

Dee: I can advise you on how to spice up your sex life, lady, but beyond that you'll have to come up with a few ideas of your own. However, there's a lot of adventure to be found between the sheets. Make sure you plan and allow time for some sex time with your husband—it's an important part of any healthy marriage. (With two kids under 7 you might want to make sure your birth control is up to snuff.)

If a little creative fucking isn't enough to lift your spirits, then try some of what Anne advised. Don't let the feelings fester, though. Do something. Take control of your life.

Dressed for Success

2010-09-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I just bought several new outfits for work. I bought everything on sale came home to show my sister all my bargains. She immediately turned up her nose and said that everything I bought was left over from summer fashion and it would show. Then I took a different look at my purchases and saw she was right—I have all light colors and thinner materials. I can't afford anything else but I don't want to look like a boob. What should I do?

Anne: Try using accessories to fill out the colors and add a little texture and heft. Scarves don't typically cost too much and add a great deal, for instance. Also, pair sweaters with your lighter wear, or jackets. They have the added advantage of layering so you'll be more comfortable in differing environments. Take heart! You saved money on your purchases and that's always a good way to start out. The fit of the clothes is of far more importance than the things your sister mentioned. Good luck at the new job!

Dee: I can't pretend to be a fashion nut like Anne. Her advice sounds good. I want to address your bitch of a sister. Tell her to fuck off. Who died and made her Fashion Queen? If you have clothes that fit and feel comfortable, go with them and let your sister be damned. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course.

Enjoying the Fruit of Our Labor on Labor Day

2010-09-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

Anne and I are taking a short break, enjoying a long weekend. Hope your parades, cook outs and swim parties are filled with fun, family and love.

Dee

Wedding Bell (Dress) Blues

2010-08-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm getting married in three weeks. Please tell me how to avoid murdering my future mother-in-law. She's a wonderful person. I'm sure someday—in a few years, maybe—we will love each other as dear friends. But not as long as she is driving me crazy over how to arrange the wedding. My mom isn't able to be here until just before the big event, so I appreciate future mom's input and help. I do. But I want something small and intimate and she sees something much grander. We don't have much time before my soon-to-be husband ships out overseas. I hate to spend it in turmoil. I'm afraid I'll soon end up saying something I'll regret. Help!

Anne: The fact of the matter is, weddings are emotional events--for the future MIL as well as for you. Emotions always make things harder to deal with. This is a job for your future husband. Have him tell his mother what the two of you want. At the very least he needs to be by your side supporting you or you and your future MIL will start off on the wrong foot.

Dee: What she said. Especially since in a short while he is going to be gone leaving you to deal with his mom. You don't want her to be a Dragon Lady—or to see you as one.

Now if your husband doesn't care about the wedding—he just wants to get you in the sack so he can screw your brains out before he departs, well, maybe that's a good compromise. If it comes down to being in total stress over whether you have a sit down dinner or a snack bar, it's not worth it. The whole point to a wedding is legal screwing. Get to that part with as little stress as possible. After all, when it comes down to it, relationships are important, not standing on ceremony.

Getting a Little in the End

2010-08-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

Q: My husband likes anal sex. I'm not crazy about it, but I want to please him in a special way every now and then. I feel I should know more about it, though. What should I know that I don't know to ask?

Anne: Hygiene is everything. Make sure you stay clean and that your husband cleans his … you know before and after anal sex. And now you know as much as I do about that form of sex. Sis…?

Dee: Anne is right, cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to taking it in the backdoor—although the Almighty might not like being associated with anal sex. That applies to you, too. Make sure you've evacuated yourself before the big event. (Yes, that means just what it sounds like. Having a gentle shit isn't good enough. Sacrifice for the greater good.)

Wikipedia has an article on anal sex with pictures and all (not for viewing during work, I might add). It's not full of info, but will let you see that the practice isn't so perverse. In other words, your husband isn't alone in his desire for it. (By the way, did you know Wikipedia also has a site for sexual positions? It's like a mini, Kama Sutra online.) There are other sites, like Sextutor, Babeland and Freddy and Eddy.

In addition to being hygienic, the next most important factor—especially for you—is to use a good lubricant. The anus doesn't naturally have much secretion to ease penetration, so tell your hubby to use a good cream or gel designed for the anus. You can find them at any sex shop or site, like Adam and Eve. Without being well lubricated, you're likely to experience pain, and that's not the purpose of sex between two consenting adults.

Start easy and work your way up. This is one time when foreplay is really vital. Have your husband finger you first, gradually working his fingers in and stretching you before he actually penetrates you. That should be fun for him as well as stimulating for you.

Explore anal sex toys. The variety will knock you on your ass—no pun intended. If you find you enjoy the act, maybe you'd like to try a butt plug so you'll be more available, so to speak. Or an anal dildo, which is shorter than the regular one. These are also good ways for hubby to prepare you for what he has to offer, which hopefully will bring you the same amount of pleasure he gets from this sex act. Good luck and enjoy!

Virgin No More?

2010-08-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I am nineteen and still a virgin. I'm determined to fix that. However, I don't really have a boyfriend and I'd prefer not to just grab someone off the street. Is there a sex toy I can use?

Anne: What in the world are you thinking??!!? Why are you determined to give up your virginity? Is your hymen hurting you, vexing you, embarrassing you? No! It's just sitting there, secretly waiting for the right time, the right person to come along. Leave it alone until you find a man you love and want to share the experience with.

A sex toy! Of all the silly questions.

Dee: I agree with Anne although for different reasons. Sure, you can buy a dildo and technically end your virginal state. But I think doing the deed yourself would be very hard. Bring a friend if you decide to go that route, keeping in mind a guy would most likely choose to help in a more personal manner. My advice is do not attempt this at home.

Personally, I think there's nothing like the feel of a real man. Nothing like the stroke of his fingers up your leg, or his knee nudging yours apart. A dildo won't make your breath hitch like feeling a man's weight, or the wetness of his cock on your thigh, or his hot kisses trailing along your jaw to your neck and nipples. And when a man penetrates you, filling you, stretching you, heating you from the inside out, you'll know no dildo could ever do the job right. Don't forget, there's likely to be pain involved in breaking your hymen. A man will take you past that, letting you know why you went to all the trouble. Trust me on this.

Where the hell is Jack??

Sunday Dinner Trouble

2010-08-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My mother expects my husband and me to eat at her house every single Sunday. And not just eat there, come for the say. They wait to go to Mass so we can go with them, mom expects me to help in the kitchen and dad like Mike to watch the game (whatever game is on) with him.

The trouble is, we're newlyweds—just got married three months ago. We do live nearby (about 60 miles), and we both love my mom and dad, but… How can I tell my parents that we really want to start establishing our own Sunday meals, or that we even want sometimes to sleep in and relax over the paper? I'm an only child who lived at home right up until the wedding and my parents are European transplants who are big believers in family. Mom is very sensitive and dad backs her up no matter what. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I want to feel like a married woman, alone with my new husband, on the weekends as well as during the week.

Anne: Family is touchy, but you have to put down your foot now, before things go too far. Explain to your mom that you all love her and your dad, but that you have plans the next Sunday. Then make plans—even if it's to sleep late or watch a movie on TV. Tell her you will be happy to come to Sunday dinner once a month. Maybe you could suggest they come to your house every other month. Just you and your hubby decide what you are willing to do, and then explain it to your parents. Stay firm and eventually your mom and dad will get used to the new plan.

Dee: First of all, you think 60 miles one way is "nearby"??? Explain very sweetly to your parents that you and your husband work all week and you need the weekend to catch up on sex. That should shut them up for a minute or two while you go on to say that you work all week and take care of normal chores on Saturday, leaving only Sunday for sweaty sheets and hot screwing. Tell your mom to remember back to when she was married for three months, and if she's honest she'll recall her own tangled sweaty sheets. I mean, you came from somewhere. If she asks you to explain further, you're in big trouble. Although, you could say you were hoping to give up that honkin' big dildo you've been hiding in your underwear drawer for the last two years and start using something hotter that works without batteries. I can practically guarantee your parents will be speechless after that. Good luck.

Growing Up Fast

2010-08-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

Q: Please tell me what I should tell my mom. I say I'm only young once. I want to date and be on my own like my friends who are also fourteen. Some of my friends have even had sex already. My mom says I have to tell her where I'm going, with who and when I'll be back. She treats me like a child. I think I should be treated like an adult. How may I convince her?

Anne: You might convince her by doing better in English—you made two errors in your short note to us. (See if you can find them.)

A fourteen year old is not an adult, unless you're from a tribe in a 3rd world backwater, where they are often married and expected to raise families or support a family. In which case, you'll be working too hard to go on dates or have fun on your own. The parents of your friends who let them date and do God knows what else are doing their children no favors. Someday you will thank your lucky stars you had such a caring and strict mother.

Dee: What should you say to your mother? Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say, Mom.

Take it to the bank, kid, you are not ready to take on adult responsibility. No fourteen year old is, especially for sex. One small mistake in this arena can cost you dearly for the next 22 years of your life. Any one of your friends who say they are able to handle sexual intercourse and all the other crap you mentioned is lying or stupid or both.

Enjoy your time as a teen by not taking on adult behaviors and activities you aren't prepared for. And if you think Anne and I are just taking your mother's side of things, ask yourself if maybe we don't know a few things you don't. Maybe—just maybe—age teaches us a few things you haven't had time to learn.

Sex Toys with Discretion?

2010-07-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

Q: I want to surprise my husband with something new and different. There is a sex toy store next to a truck stop on the edge of town, but I'm afraid to go in there. What is someone sees me? I know I can order online, but I'd like to see whatever I buy in person. I know next to nothing. Discretion is really important…I'm the Methodist minister's wife.

Anne: I understand your need for discretion, so I would advise not going to the store. You never know who's watching. Take a good look online. Read the reviews and comments. I think some of them also have a place where you can write and ask questions, so you might want to use that. If it's too hard, maybe you should plan to go away for a few days instead of trying to buy something?

Dee: Congratulations on wanting to add some spice to your marriage. If more people did that, fewer marriages would fail.

This is what you do: check out adamandeve.com or one of the other sex toy sites. Then Google the toy that interests you and see if your questions are answered. Start with something simple that would interest you both--maybe a dildo or an egg with a remote control. Read reviews/comments. Call the store near you if you don't want to go there. I'm sure they will be glad to answer questions.

If you do find a day or two to get away, try to make it someplace special and romantic like Sybaris, or a nice B&B.

Good luck!

Hungry (Rude) Man

2010-07-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: Last week, my husband and I went out to dinner with some friends to a buffet type restaurant. Her husband hurried ahead of us, got his food, and went to a table. He said he wanted to be sure we had a "nice" place to sit. Of course, we ended up paying for his meal. Then, we went to their house for dinner this past weekend and darn if he didn't fix his plate before we all could even sit down. He acts like there won't be enough food. I know this embarrasses my friend but she doesn't say anything. Should I?

Anne: If his wife doesn't say anything you shouldn't either. When you're in their house, take a deep breath and know this is how he is. If it really bothers you a lot, mention to your friend that you would prefer to go Dutch when you dine out.

Dee: When you go to a cafeteria, make sure his wife is right behind him in line, and when you get to the cashier let her know the bills are separate. When you eat at home, screw him. Who cares who piles the food on the plate first? You might consider it rude, but get over it if you want to keep your friendship.

Stripping Away the Boredom

2010-07-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I need a change and have been thinking about stripping. Any idea of how to go about it?

Anne: Actually, I think a lot of fitness centers and YWCAs have classes now in pole dancing. I understand (not from personal experience) that stripping is a lot harder and a lot more than just standing on stage and swiveling your hips. There's an art to it.

Dee: Check strip clubs in your area and see if any of the woman there can give you ideas or tips. Check online. Here's a site I saw that has a bit of information:
http://living.oneindia.in/kamasutra/spice-up/strip-tease.html

Make sure even if you have the body for stripping that you also have the temperament. It can be a lucrative business, so good luck.

4th of July "Fireworks"

2010-07-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. He's a lot of fun, very smart and the sex is great. We had plans to attend a 4th of July concert and last week Mark said he wanted to have sex in public, at the concert. Now this is in our city's park. It will be jammed with people listening to music and watching fireworks over the lake. I told him I thought he was crazy. but he's serious. He said he was getting a little bored – who knew that?? – and needed this to put a bit of excitement in our relationship. I thought everything was just fine and I'm very uncomfortable. When I protested, he went home mad, and now I'm not sure what to do. I think he means this as a deal breaker after two years.

Anne: When it comes to sex you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Ask him why he thinks the sex has gone stale and try to fix it—if you stil want to be with Mark—but don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

Dee: To paraphrase Anne, don't do anything that can get you landed in jail. Public sex is a legal problem. And yeah, its' true that if you feel dead set against public sex, don't do it. If that means no more Mark, so be it.

However, I understand his request. Fucking in public—and I mean fucking, not making love—is a pretty heady thing (no pun intended) to do in situations where you can be caught. It adds a sense of urgency, passion and danger that increases the tension exponentially. Pull a blanket over you and start with a little fingering. Fondling and touching, skin to skin, is a thrill with someone else a few feet away. I wouldn't recommend doing this right down in the front row, but find a fairly quiet place in back. Then try going all the way in such a way as not to be too obvious (remember the slammer could await). You might be surprised at the fireworks it sets off in your pussy.

My Sister's Fiance

2010-06-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Need More Than Blowing

2010-06-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My husband wants oral sex all the time. I like it okay, but what's in it for me? Any hints?

Anne: This really isn't my area. Ask him to reciprocate? Dee, help!

Dee: Ever tried a 69? There's plenty to appreciate in that particular position, for both of you. Find a way to suck him so he can finger you. Try a magic egg while you're giving head. In other words, use a little imagination, woman!!! For a woman, the most erogenous zone is the brain. Put yours to use, and then maybe your mouth will be more ready to be put to use, too.

Nagging Mom in Nashville

2010-06-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I love my mother but she's driving me crazy. I'm 38 and still living with Mark, my fiancé of seven years. My mother can't understand why we're not already married and she keeps reminding me of my ticking biological clock. My brother is a priest, so no grandchildren from him, and the pressure is all on me. Because she thinks my fiancé is preventing the wedding from going forward (she's been window shopping for dresses and planning the reception for years now), and with each year she likes him less and less. She thinks he's taking advantage of me and will never marry me. I admit, I want to marry Mark, and I wonder why he's holding back so long, too, but I trust him and I know he has his reasons. I do want children--or I did, badly. Now I don't see it happening. What can I do about my mom? I love her but her animosity toward Mark is getting bad, and her nagging me is making me want to scream.

Anne: Until the end of your question, I thought maybe you would say that you were the party holding up the wedding plans, but that's not the case, I guess. Your mother is probably wondering if he has some reason not to want to get married, like is he hiding a wife somewhere, is he really lukewarm toward you instead of passionately in love? If you have lived happily together for seven years, you've lasted longer than a lot of marriages, so if you two are still in love, why not take the next step? Don't take this the wrong way, but at your ages, this does seem strange. Talk to Mark—or get someone (maybe your brother?) to talk to him--and get to the bottom of things. As far as your mom, tell her you appreciate her concerns but lay off. If you love Mark, she needs to accept him. If she can't do that, real trouble lies ahead. And she has to respect your decisions as an adult.

Dee: Look, if you are happy with the situation as it is now, just tell your mom that you don't care if you ever get married and to give it up. If you aren't happy with the way things are, tell Mark to set his butt down and have a come-to-Jesus-meeting. You've been with the man for seven damn years. You're an adult, not a child, which would necessitate a long dating period. Enough is enough. You've given this man a lot of time for an "engagement." Ask him if he's ready to commit and if not, why not. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, tell him to fuck off. But! Make sure you're ready to accept his answer and make the change.

The biggest thing here is to know what you want, then take steps to make it happen.

Need Time Alone? You Got It.

2010-06-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm stepping out on her because I don't have any energy for sex. I work two jobs and go to school. She works part-time as a secretary and is ready to go out when the weekend comes. If we stay home, she wants me to chase her around the bedroom. If she doesn't give me a break soon, I'll be breaking up with her. A woman I stay with needs to understand what's important to me, and right now my future takes precedence over getting between a woman's legs. I like her, though, and she's nice enough. What can I say or do to get my position through to her?

Anne: Nothing. Break it off. You'd be better off seeking out a one night stand when you're in the mood for sex. Let your girlfriend (if she really is your girlfriend) find someone more suited to her.

Dee: Hey, fucking isn't everything, I agree. But it's something, and especially when two people feel something for each other. You come across as uninterested in having a future with her. You sound tired of her, actually. Certainly not in love.

Anne's right (there's a first). You'd be better off telling her you're calling it quits. Then you can have all the time alone you want. And I have a feeling there will be a lot of it.

52" Anniversary Boondoggle

2010-05-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My husband wants to buy a 52-inch-screen TV with all the bells and whistles for our anniversary. That will run around $2,500. I want to celebrate our 10-year anniversary with a week's trip to a romantic location. He won't budge. What does that say about how he feels for me?

Anne: Nothing. It says he wants a big TV. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If that's the only reason you think he cares little for you, step back and take a deep breath. Maybe he just doesn't like to travel…?

Dee: Give the poor bastard a break. So he likes to watch sports (or whatever) on a huge screen. Instead of arguing the point, use the TV in other ways. Invest in a few well-chosen adult films. Hubby will pant over Asia Carrera and you can swoon over seeing all of Evan Stone in 52" HD. Compromise with a weekend away someplace closer to home, Sybaris in Chicago-land or some Sybaris-like place near you. Add a couple of favorite sex toys, and the big TV purchase will seem like a treat instead of a lost argument.

Anne and I would like to thank all our men and women currently serving in the military or who have served in the past. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Fear of Assholes (No, really.)

2010-05-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: Help! My husband wants to have anal sex. I don't. I have to admit to being curious, but mostly the thought scares me because I think it would hurt. I know he watches it in adult movies and on the Internet. I'm afraid if I don't do it he will go elsewhere. What should I do?

Anne: My advice is simple: don't do anything you don't want to do sexually. If he doesn't like it, let him go somewhere else—he's not worth having around if he doesn't understand your wants and desires during sex as well as his own.

Dee: My first kick butt reaction (no pun intended) was to agree with Anne. You should not engage in sexual activity you are dead-set against, I don't care how much your partner wants you to. And I'd leave it there except for your statement I admit to being curious…

So here's where I differ from sis. If you truly are curious, find out more about it. Learn the proper way to go about the position. Find out about the oils and lubricants formulated to make the experience a pleasant one, and read about the sensations you might expect. Start small by experimenting with a butt plug to get used to the feeling of having something in that orifice. Have your husband manipulate a small anal dildo during regular sex. You might well find out your orgasms are greater and your time together more sensual.

The most important thing is that both your husband and you want to try anal sex and plan to bring enjoyment to the other. Make sure he knows and agrees to the proper health and pleasure techniques to use—and maybe a safe word letting him know to stop if you feel too uncomfortable. If he doesn't agree to all of that, he's the asshole in the situation (pun intended). Good luck!

Coming Home in Kansas City

2010-05-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend is returning from a tour of duty in Iraq this coming weekend. When he left we were good friends, but since he's been there we've come to know each other better through our letters and have finally found that we love each other. I can't wait to see him again, but more importantly, I can't wait to love him in every way. He proposed in his last letter and I intend to marry him. My problem is, I share a duplex with my mother. Though we live in separate sides of the house, she will certainly know if Joey spends the night with me. She thinks I'm a virgin (which I am, actually), and doesn't have any notion that I might sleep with a man before marrying him. I'm an adult but I still feel funny about having Joey stay with me when he comes home--but I also want it more than anything. What should I do?

Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)

Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.

The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.

Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!

Who's the Biggest Boob of All?

2010-05-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he likes large breasts. He wants me to get a boob job. I checked and they're very expensive. He's not working so he can't pay, and I just barely have enough in savings to cover the costs. I really love him, but I'm nervous about this. Any advice?

Anne: My advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. He doesn't have the money and neither do you (and you don't, really). You never said how you feel about this kind of surgery. Is this something you'd be willing to do, or be happy to do? If you go ahead, make sure you use a reputable surgeon. This is time to go for quality and not a low price. But I'd advise against. If your boyfriend says big breasts prove you love him, find someone else, someone who loves you as you are.

Dee: This is a big duh. He thinks boobs make the woman? Check. He can't or won't pay for the operation? Check. He doesn't mind if you empty your savings account of your hard earned money? Check. You have concerns that he doesn't seem to care about? Check.

This guy is a big, fat LOSER??? CHECK.

Dump this asshole and find someone who wants you as you are. Or maybe as you are in a Wonder Bra.

Seattle Quandary

2010-05-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I found out my significant other is cheating on me. We've dated for three years, share a house and many interests. I recently received a promotion in my career which has meant more hours working, and now I find out he's screwing around with my secretary. I know this for a fact. The trouble is, I have loved the schmuck for years, I'm comfortable with him (except for his cheating), and have fun with him. I hate to lose what we have. I also hate to fire my secretary, who in all things (except sleeping with my "other") is superior. What I hate most is their lack of fidelity to their partner and boss.

Anne: Is there a question in there? Are you asking us if you should cut him loose or hang in there? I certainly can't answer that. I did notice that when you listed all the things about him you enjoy, you didn't mention that you love him. That seems a big consideration. If you let him go, would your heart feel ripped out? If so, sit him down and talk to him. If he's emotional cut the cord, it's probably too late no matter what you decide.

Dee: Look there are a zillion men who would be happy to share a house with a dedicated career woman and who have interest similar to yours. Aside from that, a great vibrator is pretty cheap and doesn't snore. However, a good secretary is hard to find. You do the math.

Prom Mistake

2010-04-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My best friend is spreading lies about me to the whole school. I'm so hurt and don't know what to do. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few weeks ago and then asked me to the prom, but he was already broken up with her. I wanted to go to the prom really bad. She shouldn't hold that against me, should she?

Anne: Well, yeah, if this guy was really her boyfriend. Was she upset by the break-up? If so, maybe you should have passed up going to the prom with him. Ask yourself which is more important, going to one dance or keeping a friend. Then ask how you would feel if the situation was reversed. All I can suggest now is to keep being nice--don't start talking about her--and maybe things will straighten out in time.

Dee: Good God. My recollection is that in high school girls get mad with each other and make up more often than rabbits have bunnies. In my opinion, you screwed her by accepting the invitation of her former boyfriend when they just recently broke up. So now you have to suck it up. Apologize. Try being a better friend yourself.

And for God's sake, Anne, next week I want a sex question instead of high school trauma.

Virgin in Virginia and Hating It

2010-04-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm fifteen and have just started dating the guy of my dreams. I've had a crush on him for two years and couldn't believe it when he asked me out two weeks ago. Since then we've been together every single day. I love him and he says he loves me. I want to show him how much by having sex, but he won't do it. He signed a contract saying he would remain celibate until marriage, which I think is totally unreasonable. If he really loved me, wouldn't he want to share making love? I'm the only one of my friends who's still a virgin and I want to change that with Joey, the boy I want to be with forever. How do I convince him?

Anne: First of all, think about what virginity means. It says that you respect yourself enough to wait until you find the man (the man) you want to marry and have children with. That's the purpose of sex, not the random coupling that people use it for today. Second, you could be right, but the odds of you and Joey lasting to marriage--or even 11th grade--are slim. The divorce rate for people who date a long time and swear before their family and friends that they will "honor and cherish until death do them part" is 50%, so realistically, the chances you and Joey will last is very, very low. So if you give yourself to him, what do you do with the next boy (next boy) you "love." Last, being the only virgin in your group is not a good reason to hop into the backseat with Joey or any other boy. Losing your virginity is something that only happens once, get it? Make sure you're giving it away for the right reason, with your dignity and self worth in place and in mind.

Dee: I agree with Anne's advice, yet not the preachy style she uses to say it. Listen, before you have sex, ask your minister or counselor at school or your parents (best choice if you can talk to them) to let you talk to one or two unwed mothers. Having a child--or an abortion--at your age is not something to take lightly.

The fact is, when you're engaging in risky behavior, sometimes you make bad decisions, like having sex without protection, like drinking or using drugs so that you're not thinking clearly, or maybe letting yourself feel pressured to do something you're simply not ready to do. Adults make bad decisions, too, but your hormones are running crazy right now, making rational thought nearly impossible at times.

My advice? Pay attention to Joey. Don't have sex until you're older and you know more about what you're doing. If you're going to have sex no matter what we say, ALWAYS use a condom, no matter what a guy tells you or how carried away you are. A diagnosis of HIV is common in the 24-28 age group, which means teens are contracting the disease. Birth control in addition to a condom is not a bad thing. My mom told me when I was a teen and it's still true, use an aspirin for birth control. One aspirin, held tightly between the knees, is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy.

Please! I Need Some "Head" Advice in Parsippany

2010-04-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend likes me to give him oral sex. I try but I'm not very good at it. Any suggestions?

Anne: Well, at least you're trying. Has your boyfriend said what he perceives as the problem? If he gives specifics, then you have a starting point for improvement. By the way, I hope he returns the favor and gives you oral sex, too.

Dee: Listen, he can't get away simply with saying he doesn't like the way you do blow jobs, he has to give a little more detail. Is it that you don't swallow, or you don't take enough of him, or you don't maintain a rhythm, or what? Too bad you don't know a prostitute or someone who has a lot of experience who could give you a few personal tips.

Barring that, here's what I know:
• Relax the throat--if you can't manage on your own, there are sprays you can use for this. Use your lips to press him firmly.
• On the downward stroke, use your tongue on the underside of his cock and twist the base slightly with your free hand.
• At the bottom, tongue flick the base.
• Use a licking motion on the upward stroke.
• At the top, hold the base, then lick the crown and tickle the slit.
• Most of all, act like you're enjoying yourself. Giving head is a very sensual, intimate act. Men generally love it, but it loses a lot if you hate every second and show it.

For advice from more knowledgeable sources, check out these sites and others: allsexguide.com, deepmemories.com. I found these by Googling "how to give a blow job," so information isn't hard to find.

If you actually do hate giving head, then explain that to your boyfriend and don't do it. Perfect hand jobs instead. If your boyfriend insists on blow jobs in order for you to stay together and you hate it, too bad for him--that's not being loving and you deserve better. But if you enjoy bringing a man to his knees by sucking him off, then a little technique can go a long way in giving pleasure to both of you.

Taxing Situation in Tucumcari

2010-04-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Q: Every year, my girlfriend waits until the very last minute to prepare her taxes. She holds off and then drags me into the mess with her, venting, ranting at the IRS and herself (and me) alike, and generally disrupting our lives for a couple of weeks while she scrambles to find the information and receipts she needs and then getting them to the accountant in time for him to do the work and send it back before April 15. It drives me crazy!! Any tips on how I can prod her into getting things done earlier next year?

Anne: Well, show her this letter, for one. Let her know that it isn't just her who's thrown into a tizzy by her lateness. Or perhaps you could start in February, suggesting the two of you do your taxes together and then help her get organized. Or, take the bull by the horns and set up an accounting package that will automatically organize her income and expenses?

On the other hand, maybe she's one of those people who lives on the drama of running up to the last minute. (Like someone you know, Dee?) In which case, get used to chaotic Aprils because that's the way they will always be.

Dee: Haha, Anne. Look, dude, when I think of a woman "being late," financial planning isn't what comes to mind, family planning is. Thank your lucky stars you're only talking of something as insignificant as preparing taxes and cut your girlfriend some slack. Turn on a game, get a beer and let her run around in panic mode to her heart's content.

About to be Screwed in Akron

2010-03-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Q: Help! My boss told me when I left work today that I was being considered for a promotion. All I needed to do was "be nice to him." I have a four-year-old son that I raise on my own and I can't afford to lose my job in this economy. It's not that he isn't nice looking, he is. And until now I thought he was a great guy to work for. The hell of it is, I'm very good at what I do. I have no witnesses to prove my case. What can I say to him to keep him off my back (no pun intended) and still keep my job?

Anne: Go directly to HR and report him. Then thoroughly document everything he asks you to do and when and how you did it so he can't say you've slacked off at work. This is sexual harassment of the worst kind. Because you're a single mother he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you won't take the chance of losing your job. There are laws that protect people in the workplace. Use them, or later, when something bad happens he will use your silence against you.

Dee: Pick up a cheap recorder and after work question him about what he suggested. Take that to HR so there is no doubt what your complaint is. See how he likes being screwed for a change. Anne is right in this instance. Saying nothing will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. This has to be reported. I wouldn't be surprised if you were one of several he's pulled this same shit on. Good luck!

Color Me Confused in Connecticut

2010-03-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My sister and I are having a huge argument about our parents' house that we hope you can solve. They have a light green carpet, light yellow drapes and a light blue sofa. I want to paint the walls white and she doesn't. But I mean, if not white, what? What color goes with all of those other things?

Anne: What a strange color combination. Can you replace something in the room…or maybe most things in the room? If not, I can't imagine any color but white going on the walls.

Dee: What color goes with all of those things? What color goes with "stupid question???" Come on. Ask me about how many people fit into a room for an orgy or which fuck toy to use to make your partner scream, and I'm your gal. But paint colors?? Give me a break. Round out the room with light pink. I don't think you would make it any more hideous than I'm sure it already is.

Differences in Detroit

2010-03-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend and I argue all the time about small things like which movies (he likes kick-em-up and I like comedy or romance) to see on our dates, what type of restaurant (he likes American meat and potatoes and I like Thai or something exotic) to go to for dinner and which radio station to listen to (he likes country and I like rap). What can I do to get him to listen to my point of view more?

Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.

Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.

I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.

Birthday in Buffalo

2010-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: Last year I gave my girlfriend a sexy nightgown for her birthday and received a lecture on how I buy things for me instead of for her, whatever that means. Women's logic makes no sense to me. Anyway, she didn't wear the nightgown for a good long time but when she did, she was smokin' and we had the greatest sex we'd had in months. I want that again, so I found another, tiny little scrap of a nightgown and bought it, even though it set me back a week's salary. The thing is, I don't want another lecture or any more backward philosophy about how I don't care about her wants and needs. I satisfied her needs pretty damn well when she finally gave in and wore what I gave her. Any advice?

Anne: First off, what your girlfriend meant was that you bought the nightgown because you wanted to see her in it, not because you thought she would like to wear it. Women want a man to think of them and their wants and needs, not the man's. Maybe she would like something not quite so sexy, something she would be comfortable in, not just sexy in. Buying something that suits her desires shows you're thinking of her and not just yourself. Even if you did have a good night when she wore the gown, she still knows your mind focused on what you wanted to see her wearing, not what she wanted to wear. It's a fine distinction, but if you put your mind to it I'm sure you will understand.

I wish you hadn't already bought the nightgown this year--which, by the way means you didn't listen very well last year--but since you have, I'd say combine it with something else, something you know she wants. Maybe jewelry or flowers or a special perfume she has mentioned? Next year, perhaps you should ask her for suggestions. Let her buy the sexy gown to surprise you on your birthday.

Dee: Yeah, you should try to give her something she wants and not just what you want. But you want sex and if she's still with you, so does she. I'd say kick it up a notch, but not as a birthday gift, as an adjunct gift. Start off with some mind-blowing foreplay and then present her with the gown.

For that mind-blowing foreplay, take a look at Adam and Eve for a few suggestions. Try an egg vibrator--small but powerful. Or a G-spot stimulator--sure to bring pleasure. Or how about a finger vibrator? That way you're a part of the action. Once you have her interest, present her with the nightie to enhance what you've already started. The problem last year is, you wanted her to wear the nightgown as your foreplay, and she wants more than your cock growing hard, she wants some excitement, too.

Or maybe give her a nightgown as part of a romantic weekend away, like at Sybaris or someplace near you that specializes in dark corners and quiet rooms. The trick here is combining the sex with romance.

True, it's better to give the birthday person something they want. But flowers die, candy is cliché, and jewelry should be saved for when you really need to make-up. A finger vibrator lasts a long time past the birthday and it's a team sport. When she kicks your sorry ass out, it's the gift that keeps on giving when she's alone, too. What more can a woman ask for?

Wants a Divorce

2010-03-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?

Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.

Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.

The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.

Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.

Hasseled in Hampton

2010-02-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I am an office manager and my boss is driving me crazy. Not only is he a controlling, stubborn jerk, he keeps finding ways to touch me or get me alone. Some of his comments to me are far from professional. In fact, some of them are down right dirty. Yesterday I found a pair of crotch-less panties in my top desk drawer. At mid-day he invited me out for "a tasty bite to eat." I just know he's the one with the Frederick's of Hollywood taste, but he's always careful not to say or do anything in front of others.

We're a fairly small, privately owned company with no actual HR department. In this economy, I can't afford to quit, yet I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to stay. What should I do?

Anne: Your state has an agency that handles sexual harassment issues. Call them or find an attorney who will represent you should you decide to take him to court. No one should have to put up with that kind of pressure, to select to be harassed or be out of work. Get relief from the state or sue the idiot. Make sure you talk to someone about what kind of proof or evidence you need so when you make a move you're successful. Good luck!

Dee: Perhaps you could try the dirty route. Agree to meet him. Wear the undies and let him feast. Just because he's a pig, who knows? Maybe he has a real talent in that arena. No reason to pass up a good orgasm. Then offer to return the favor. While he's naked and at his most vulnerable, whip out your cell phone and take a picture that you promise to make into a YouTube video and plaster all over the Internet if he doesn’t shape up--or if he fires you. Take his little short hairs in your fist and explain just how you feel about his attitude. Give his wanker a twist and then leave. By all means, burn the panties.

If that doesn't work, then I guess you could try Anne's wussy approach and see a lawyer or file a complaint. Frankly I'd rather lick someone in my own way. (Which is a truly delightful way, if I say so myself.)

Betrayed by a Friend

2010-02-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

Q: ARGHHH! Please help. My best friend and I have lived separate lives in different states for several years. Just last week we got together for a mini-reunion and I find we have nothing in common anymore. I'm liberal, she's conservative. I'm a single career woman and she's a stay-at-home mom with three children and a husband. I'm a player, seeing two or three men at once and having sex almost every night of the week, and she seems happy with the same guy she's been married to for nine years. This woman and I were simpatico in every way when we roomed together in college. Now she's nothing like I remember. I feel betrayed.

Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.

Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.

BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!

Ring-ring! Husband Calling.

2010-02-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. BUT, whenever I'm away from home he calls me three or four times a day. I often travel to my mother's or to our second home. At either place, I have things to do. When he phones, it's always at an inconvenient time, and it's almost always to tell me something that's unimportant--or at least could wait. When I'm short with him, he says it doesn't sound as though I miss him and he's hurt. I've tried asking him to call between two times (like 5:30 - 6:00) but he still calls whenever he has something to say. What can I do to get through to him?

Anne: Is this a trust issue? Surely your husband knows you aren't out running around on him if you go to help your mother or completing work at your other home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will call him nightly (or at some time you agree on), and you would appreciate not receiving calls at other times unless there's an emergency. With a specified time he knows you will talk, he might save all of his news or comments for then.

Dee: WTF? Your husband calls you multiple times during the day to chat? When he knows you're tied up with chores and other things to do? I mean, it's nice to know he misses you, but tell him to grow up, for Christ's sake. You're his wife, not his mommy.

It seems to me that two adults can restrain themselves to talking once a day when they're away from each other unless there is business to transact. As Anne said, set a time to talk and then make sure you are ready to spend a few minutes with him at that time. If he can't get that through his head, then whenever he calls, tell him you're in the middle of xxx and say, "Here, honey, talk to my mother because I really don't have time right now." I'm pretty sure he won't keep calling when he shouldn't.

Semper Fi Myself

2010-02-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: My fiancé is a Marine in the Middle East. I love him and he loves me but he always thinks I'm cheating on him. If I tell him I've gone out with friends, he asks if there were men there. If I don't mention going out, he thinks I'm hiding something from him. I don't know how to prove I'm faithful and in love with him. Any suggestions?

Anne: Is he like this when he's home? If so, I'd say you have a serious problem with your relationship. No couple can withstand constant jealousy or lack of trust. Send him a copy of this column. Let him see your frustration. All I can say is, keep reassuring him. Hopefully he will come to see your heart is his. I'm praying for his safety and speedy return.

Dee: It's easy to doubt something good in life when you're facing the worst every day. I have to ask, though, have you ever before given him reason to distrust you? 99.9% of military wives are true and live for their men to come home. It's that .1% every military man dreads, so if you've cheated before that might be reason enough for him to think you could cheat again. If you go out with friends to bars (where, sad to say, men might try to pick you up or, sadder to say, you might be the picker instead of the pickee), as opposed to church dinners, then he might worry, even if you've been purer than Caesar's wife in the past. Or it could be that he's just fearful you might cheat no matter what you have or haven't done before--in which case you two need to talk with someone and try to work things out before the wedding.

Semper fi!

Football, Schmookball. It Can't Compete With Austen

2010-01-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

From an e-mail sent moments ago:

Q: Hey, Anne and Dee. I bet my little brother $15 that the Jets would beat Indianapolis and that the Saints would beat the Vikings. Now the little fucker refuses to pay up. He's 24 years old. Don't you think he should stop acting like a child and pay what he owes?

Anne: Sorry, I didn't watch the games. Emma was on Masterpiece Theatre tonight. However, if you won, then your brother should pay what he owes.

Dee: You dumb shit, New York didn't beat Indianapolis. The Superbowl will be played between the Colts and the Saints. Keep up with the conversation.