Jealous in Jefferson City

Q: I hate my brother, Mike. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everything he does he's so good at. Everything I do I flop. My parents are always bragging about him—he has the best grades, he dates the most wonderful girls, drives the fanciest car and has the greatest job in the world (he's a lawyer). I had so-so grades, went through a Goth stage where the girls I dated wore black everything. Now I guess I still lean toward the edgy rather than sweet and sunny…like Mike. My job is okay (I work in a local factory). I make decent money and support myself. I'm just sick and tired of hearing how great Mike is, I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings. how can I deal with this?

Anne: Well first, you didn't tell us how Mike handles all this adoration. Is he snooty, full of himself and generally obnoxious? Or does he take everything well. Do the two of you get along when you're by yourselves? If that's the case, maybe you could talk to him about how it makes you feel when your parents go on and on about him. If he's loving it, though, and hard to bear even alone, maybe you either have to tell your parents how you feel in such a way that won't hurt their feelings. You might find your parents don't even realize they're praising your brother so much. If you can't do that, you'll have to learn to deal with it. Hating your brother isn't the answer, though. In the end, that only hurts you.

Dee: I can answer this question from experience because all I ever heard growing up was how wonderful Anne was.

Anne: What???

Dee: Yes. Mom and Dad bragged about you like you were a saint.

Anne: Did not.

Dee: Did too. But did I ever hate you? Well, maybe a little, between the ages of 4 and 16, but I eventually learned to get over it. And so must you, Writer. Hating your brother or sister—

Anne: Oh, for pity's sake, I don't believe this.

Dee: —doesn't bother them at all because they usually don't know you're hating them. Even when you throw their favorite doll into the toilet or tell their blind date that she can't go out because of a sudden flare up of herpes.

Anne: I'm going to kill you…

Dee: So the best medicine is to go with the flow. If your parents say something nice about Mikey, just agree with them. If he gets a new car, tell him it's great. It isn't going to kill you, but that bitter jealousy will.

Make sure when you do good things you let people know, too. Don't expect everyone to be mind-readers. Blow your own horn or no one will. I truly believe that once you let go of your negative feelings, you'll find things aren't as bad as you thought—and you will feel better yourself.

If not, well fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding

Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.

Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.

BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.

Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?

Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?

Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.

Small-minded Indeed

Q: Joe and I have been dating for three years. We're close to 30 and both getting our professions started, so I haven't been too worried that he hasn't asked me to marry him. We talk around it more than about it, but we both agree that we are soul mates. The thing I am concerned about though is that he can't seem to stop looking at other women. Waitresses who take our order at the diner, the receptionist at his office, women walking down the street, even women in the next cars at stop lights. He just laughs it off when I tell him how much it bothers me. He says jealousy is the sign of a small mind. Like I said, we're soul mates and I'm sure he loves me, but this does bother me. I just don't know if I should pay attention to him and try to put it out of mind or really confront him and risk humiliation or his anger.

Anne: If it bothers you this much it should bother him. To brush you off with a wave of his hand and some glib comment shows a lack of caring on his part. If he's truly your soul mate, he will take whatever disturbs you seriously. Confront him.

Dee: Start commenting on guys—do you do this already? You know that old "fair for the goose, fair for the gander stuff"? Well, it's true. If he notices women, then you should notice men. Comment frequently on their cute butts and the packages hidden in their jeans. Ogle a cute waiter and be sure to mention his attributes to your boyfriend. Be sincere. If he doesn't show the shred of small-minded jealousy—not the tiniest shred—I'd say your soul mate thinks of you as a friend with soulful benefits, not a wife.