Q: A friend has popped up out of the blue after six years. Says she needs help but when I spoke with her on the phone she sound loopy—like she's on drugs. Turns out, she is on medications for some undefined illness. She has a project she wants me to work on, and she wants me to drop everything to do it. I have a full-time job and two part-time jobs just to keep my head above water. I'm willing to help, but on my time schedule, which she's unhappy about. Now she's bugging me with emails and phone calls. I almost feel stalked. What can I do?
Anne: Is her illness serious? If she's on meds you can't necessarily trust anything she's telling you. Advise her to get back to her doctor and call you again when her health problems—and the medications—are straightened out.
Dee: If she's a friend, I can see why it's hard to turn her away. But it also sounds as though you have enough on your plate. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to keep with her doctor. Also tell her that you have other things to do and that her project has to take its place in your schedule. It might be hard to do since she's obviously not quite the person you remember, but tell her that if she doesn't give you time to work as you need to, that you won't be able to do anything for her at all. I'm not saying to tell her to fuck off, but after this many years, her problem is not your problem—unless you let it be. Good luck!
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Monday, April 2, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Q: My best friend—who also is my boyfriend—has been lying to me. He's been sleeping with my other best friend, who is also a guy! We're in our late twenties, so I feel so high school complaining about this, but I have to vent to someone. What do I do? If I cut them off for the lying, cheating bastards they are, I lose the two people closest to me.
Anne: You can't trust either of them. You're better off developing new friendships than trying to rehabilitate them. I say dump them for newer, improved versions.
Dee: Hell, try a threesome. Two guys, one you… Sounds fucking fantastic if you ask me (which you did).
Anne: You can't trust either of them. You're better off developing new friendships than trying to rehabilitate them. I say dump them for newer, improved versions.
Dee: Hell, try a threesome. Two guys, one you… Sounds fucking fantastic if you ask me (which you did).
Monday, November 21, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
Anne and I hope each of you is enjoying a wonderful, safe, blessed holiday with your family, friends and other loved ones--as we are. See you right back here next week.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tolerating Cheaters
Q: I am a high school senior. On our first math test I saw one of my best friends cheat off of the person sitting next to her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose a friend, but what she did is wrong. On the other hand, is it so wrong? The person she cheated off of is really stupid, so she's bound to be worse off than if she'd just guessed. What should I do?
Anne: Whether or not the person off whom she cheated is worthy of being cheated off of isn't the question--it doesn't matter. I would find a way to ask your friend about the incident. Is there a chance you didn't see what you think? If she admits the cheating to you, it doesn't relieve you of responsibility. Your teacher needs to know.
Dee: At Virginia Military Institute, their honor code states that cheating, lying and stealing will not be tolerated and neither will people who themselves tolerate those things. This means that if you know your friend cheated and you do nothing, you're as much a problem as she is. You don't have to wave your arm in the air and shout, "Cheater!" but maybe there's a way you can alert your teacher to check the two papers. Send her a note if you don't want to talk to her in person, or talk to your parents and see if they will help. But once you let it go, it will always be there between you and your friend. Worse, she will be within her rights to say you're an accomplice.
Anne: Whether or not the person off whom she cheated is worthy of being cheated off of isn't the question--it doesn't matter. I would find a way to ask your friend about the incident. Is there a chance you didn't see what you think? If she admits the cheating to you, it doesn't relieve you of responsibility. Your teacher needs to know.
Dee: At Virginia Military Institute, their honor code states that cheating, lying and stealing will not be tolerated and neither will people who themselves tolerate those things. This means that if you know your friend cheated and you do nothing, you're as much a problem as she is. You don't have to wave your arm in the air and shout, "Cheater!" but maybe there's a way you can alert your teacher to check the two papers. Send her a note if you don't want to talk to her in person, or talk to your parents and see if they will help. But once you let it go, it will always be there between you and your friend. Worse, she will be within her rights to say you're an accomplice.
Monday, June 13, 2011
I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding
Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.
Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.
BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.
Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?
Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?
Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.
Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.
BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.
Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?
Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?
Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Nearly 60 and Loving It
Q: I am a woman nearly 60-years old and quite well off. I have become attracted to a man in his early 20s. In fact, he's finishing college this spring. He's bright and intelligent and young, and he makes me feel young again. He escorts me to opera, ballet and art gallery openings, but truth be told I'd want to be with him for the sex alone. It's better than anything I've ever known—intense, emotional and frequent. He's taught me about anal sex (which I've never been brave enough to try) and things like pocket rockets and ben wa balls. Sex with him is like a whole, forbiiden world I've loved exploring. The problem is my friends, family and his friends and family. On his side, everyone thinks he's doing something awful spending his time with an old woman. On my side, everyone thinks he's after my money and just wants to live off me. They are making life difficult for us. I'm in this for the ride and have no illusions that he loves me. I give him gifts because I like to and I can. Is there anything wrong with that?
Anne: It could be said that you are leading him down a bad path, encouraging him to rely on a woman for his livelihood. However, if both of you accept the rules of the game you've started, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I would advise you not to sign anything.
Dee: Good golly. You're almost 60 and you snapped up a young 20 something guy?? How the hell did you do that? Conversation, escort duties and all the fucking you can handle (or maybe more, dare I hope?). Life has treated you well woman! Tell those screwball friends and family that they're just jealous and if they can't get with the program, to buzz off. Take life by the horns! You can't make your friends happy and they shouldn't have the power to fuck up your happiness.
Anne: It could be said that you are leading him down a bad path, encouraging him to rely on a woman for his livelihood. However, if both of you accept the rules of the game you've started, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I would advise you not to sign anything.
Dee: Good golly. You're almost 60 and you snapped up a young 20 something guy?? How the hell did you do that? Conversation, escort duties and all the fucking you can handle (or maybe more, dare I hope?). Life has treated you well woman! Tell those screwball friends and family that they're just jealous and if they can't get with the program, to buzz off. Take life by the horns! You can't make your friends happy and they shouldn't have the power to fuck up your happiness.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Harrison High School Jerk
Q: A guy I had a huge crush on in high school took me out once our senior year. We didn't have sex (though we came close) and he never called or really talked to me again. I always thought it was because I didn't let him "go all the way," but maybe it was because I was kind of chubby and wore glasses and stuff. I saw him a few weeks ago and I'm quite different looking. He didn't remember my name—or that we dated that one time—but he sure is interested now. What should I do?
Anne: Well, that stinks, but really, high school is over and done with. It all depends on how you feel now, as an adult. If you met up with him and find you want to go out, do it. I would say though, that if you have any kind of idea of revenge for the wrong he did you in high school, forget it. If he's still the same jerk he was back then, just don't go out with him again.
Dee: What can we say? Guys are jerks often enough when they're grown up. In high school there's no hope at all. They're totally hormone driven, with fucking on the mind morning, noon and night. If you didn't give it up, he might well have been stupid enough to forget about you. If he pulls the same shit now, blow him off—and I don't mean in the fun way you both will enjoy. Good luck.
Anne: Well, that stinks, but really, high school is over and done with. It all depends on how you feel now, as an adult. If you met up with him and find you want to go out, do it. I would say though, that if you have any kind of idea of revenge for the wrong he did you in high school, forget it. If he's still the same jerk he was back then, just don't go out with him again.
Dee: What can we say? Guys are jerks often enough when they're grown up. In high school there's no hope at all. They're totally hormone driven, with fucking on the mind morning, noon and night. If you didn't give it up, he might well have been stupid enough to forget about you. If he pulls the same shit now, blow him off—and I don't mean in the fun way you both will enjoy. Good luck.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Traveling Broadens the Mind...and Spreads the Legs
Q: I just finished my undergraduate degree and have a unique opportunity to travel through Europe for six months with a good friend who speaks several languages and knows the various countries. It's the chance of a lifetime. The trouble is, my friend is a guy, Herb. My fiancé, Robert, doesn't understand that Herb and I are just friends. He is insisting that if I take the trip I might as well not come back planning to marry him. I love Robert, but I know I will never be able to travel like this again. Work will drag me down and then Robert and I will be married and he wants kids right away. Once we start a family I'll never break away. Any ideas on how I can convince Robert that I do love Herb—but only as a friend and that there's nothing wrong with sharing a trip with him? Herb is paying for all the accommodations and travel once we're on the Continent—all I have to do is get myself there and pay for my food. How can I pass this up?
Anne: Are you sure Herb thinks of you as only a friend? I don't know, but to me it seems a little strange to ask a woman on a trip, especially since he is handling hotel concerns. As for Robert, I think he might be over-reacting a bit, but I don't think I'd be happy to have my fiancé traveling for six months with a friend of the opposite gender. Chance of a lifetime is right, but you'd better consider which lifetime you want to live. This trip is for six months but haven't you decided that Robert is the next many years?
Dee: My advice? Tell Robert to screw himself and then fuck Herb from Dublin to Moscow. Hell, if you decide to give in to Robert, give Herb my number—I'd go off for a six month trip virtually paid for by someone else.
The thing I noticed was your wording. Work will drag me down and then I'll be married. Quite a combination of thoughts. Then you said once you start a family you won't break away. If that's the way you really think of things, you aren't ready to be engaged or married. Tell Robert au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen and take advantage of Herb's generosity. And if he wants to take advantage of more, you might find you don't mind spreading your legs for a "good friend" within view of the London Tower, the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, the Danube, and so on. You go, girl!
Anne: Are you sure Herb thinks of you as only a friend? I don't know, but to me it seems a little strange to ask a woman on a trip, especially since he is handling hotel concerns. As for Robert, I think he might be over-reacting a bit, but I don't think I'd be happy to have my fiancé traveling for six months with a friend of the opposite gender. Chance of a lifetime is right, but you'd better consider which lifetime you want to live. This trip is for six months but haven't you decided that Robert is the next many years?
Dee: My advice? Tell Robert to screw himself and then fuck Herb from Dublin to Moscow. Hell, if you decide to give in to Robert, give Herb my number—I'd go off for a six month trip virtually paid for by someone else.
The thing I noticed was your wording. Work will drag me down and then I'll be married. Quite a combination of thoughts. Then you said once you start a family you won't break away. If that's the way you really think of things, you aren't ready to be engaged or married. Tell Robert au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen and take advantage of Herb's generosity. And if he wants to take advantage of more, you might find you don't mind spreading your legs for a "good friend" within view of the London Tower, the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, the Danube, and so on. You go, girl!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Hungry (Rude) Man
Q: Last week, my husband and I went out to dinner with some friends to a buffet type restaurant. Her husband hurried ahead of us, got his food, and went to a table. He said he wanted to be sure we had a "nice" place to sit. Of course, we ended up paying for his meal. Then, we went to their house for dinner this past weekend and darn if he didn't fix his plate before we all could even sit down. He acts like there won't be enough food. I know this embarrasses my friend but she doesn't say anything. Should I?
Anne: If his wife doesn't say anything you shouldn't either. When you're in their house, take a deep breath and know this is how he is. If it really bothers you a lot, mention to your friend that you would prefer to go Dutch when you dine out.
Dee: When you go to a cafeteria, make sure his wife is right behind him in line, and when you get to the cashier let her know the bills are separate. When you eat at home, screw him. Who cares who piles the food on the plate first? You might consider it rude, but get over it if you want to keep your friendship.
Anne: If his wife doesn't say anything you shouldn't either. When you're in their house, take a deep breath and know this is how he is. If it really bothers you a lot, mention to your friend that you would prefer to go Dutch when you dine out.
Dee: When you go to a cafeteria, make sure his wife is right behind him in line, and when you get to the cashier let her know the bills are separate. When you eat at home, screw him. Who cares who piles the food on the plate first? You might consider it rude, but get over it if you want to keep your friendship.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Coming Home in Kansas City
Q: My boyfriend is returning from a tour of duty in Iraq this coming weekend. When he left we were good friends, but since he's been there we've come to know each other better through our letters and have finally found that we love each other. I can't wait to see him again, but more importantly, I can't wait to love him in every way. He proposed in his last letter and I intend to marry him. My problem is, I share a duplex with my mother. Though we live in separate sides of the house, she will certainly know if Joey spends the night with me. She thinks I'm a virgin (which I am, actually), and doesn't have any notion that I might sleep with a man before marrying him. I'm an adult but I still feel funny about having Joey stay with me when he comes home--but I also want it more than anything. What should I do?
Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)
Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.
The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.
Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!
Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)
Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.
The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.
Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Prom Mistake
Q: My best friend is spreading lies about me to the whole school. I'm so hurt and don't know what to do. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few weeks ago and then asked me to the prom, but he was already broken up with her. I wanted to go to the prom really bad. She shouldn't hold that against me, should she?
Anne: Well, yeah, if this guy was really her boyfriend. Was she upset by the break-up? If so, maybe you should have passed up going to the prom with him. Ask yourself which is more important, going to one dance or keeping a friend. Then ask how you would feel if the situation was reversed. All I can suggest now is to keep being nice--don't start talking about her--and maybe things will straighten out in time.
Dee: Good God. My recollection is that in high school girls get mad with each other and make up more often than rabbits have bunnies. In my opinion, you screwed her by accepting the invitation of her former boyfriend when they just recently broke up. So now you have to suck it up. Apologize. Try being a better friend yourself.
And for God's sake, Anne, next week I want a sex question instead of high school trauma.
Anne: Well, yeah, if this guy was really her boyfriend. Was she upset by the break-up? If so, maybe you should have passed up going to the prom with him. Ask yourself which is more important, going to one dance or keeping a friend. Then ask how you would feel if the situation was reversed. All I can suggest now is to keep being nice--don't start talking about her--and maybe things will straighten out in time.
Dee: Good God. My recollection is that in high school girls get mad with each other and make up more often than rabbits have bunnies. In my opinion, you screwed her by accepting the invitation of her former boyfriend when they just recently broke up. So now you have to suck it up. Apologize. Try being a better friend yourself.
And for God's sake, Anne, next week I want a sex question instead of high school trauma.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Betrayed by a Friend
Q: ARGHHH! Please help. My best friend and I have lived separate lives in different states for several years. Just last week we got together for a mini-reunion and I find we have nothing in common anymore. I'm liberal, she's conservative. I'm a single career woman and she's a stay-at-home mom with three children and a husband. I'm a player, seeing two or three men at once and having sex almost every night of the week, and she seems happy with the same guy she's been married to for nine years. This woman and I were simpatico in every way when we roomed together in college. Now she's nothing like I remember. I feel betrayed.
Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.
Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.
BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!
Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.
Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.
BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Help! My Boyfriend Cheated With My BFF
Q: My friend Cathy just called. She couldn't wait to tell me all the details about my boyfriend Tom having sex with my BFF Heidi. This has evidently been going on for months. She heard it from Tiffany, the head cheerleader, so I know it's true. I'm so hurt and upset I don't know what to do. I'm not the most popular girl in class and I thought Tom loved me. Now I wish I'd had sex with him when he asked. What should I do?
Anne: No matter how bad this seems, you have done the right thing by not having sex with Tom. You see how little he values you because he cheated with your BFF. Forget about him, the pissant. Hold your head up high and move on. Tom and Heidi aren't worth your concern.
Dee: You need a new set of friends. First asshole Tom cheats, not with some girl you don't know but with a good friend. Then your supposed best friend has no qualms about sleeping with a boy she knows you're dating. Bitch. Next we have Tiffany. So, what is about a head cheerleader that makes her honest? Give me a break. I know one thing about her: she knew something hurtful to you--something that was juicy gossip--and she spread the word. She's no different from any fishwife in any town, always ready to repeat bad news. Last you say Cathy is a friend. She couldn't wait to pass on the news that Tom is cheating, but did she do it to help you or hurt you? Your wording suggests the latter.
So here's my advice. Screw Tom the Tom cat, and not in a way he'd enjoy. Kick drop Heidi back to the Alps, which is the only place someone named Heidi should live. Don't even try to be friends with heartless Tiffany or you'll regret it, and dump Cathy. She's not interested in your well-being just in titillating info. Aren't there any girls worth anything at your school? Seek them out and forget those other losers.
Anne: No matter how bad this seems, you have done the right thing by not having sex with Tom. You see how little he values you because he cheated with your BFF. Forget about him, the pissant. Hold your head up high and move on. Tom and Heidi aren't worth your concern.
Dee: You need a new set of friends. First asshole Tom cheats, not with some girl you don't know but with a good friend. Then your supposed best friend has no qualms about sleeping with a boy she knows you're dating. Bitch. Next we have Tiffany. So, what is about a head cheerleader that makes her honest? Give me a break. I know one thing about her: she knew something hurtful to you--something that was juicy gossip--and she spread the word. She's no different from any fishwife in any town, always ready to repeat bad news. Last you say Cathy is a friend. She couldn't wait to pass on the news that Tom is cheating, but did she do it to help you or hurt you? Your wording suggests the latter.
So here's my advice. Screw Tom the Tom cat, and not in a way he'd enjoy. Kick drop Heidi back to the Alps, which is the only place someone named Heidi should live. Don't even try to be friends with heartless Tiffany or you'll regret it, and dump Cathy. She's not interested in your well-being just in titillating info. Aren't there any girls worth anything at your school? Seek them out and forget those other losers.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Unfriendly Business
Q: I entered into a business relationship with a friend and now I'm in trouble. Help!
My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We've always seen eye to eye on everything until now. I had what I thought was a great idea for a catering company. She loves to cook and I'm good at business, so I thought it would be a dream come true for both of us. She agreed...until we actually started the business. Now we argue over everything from how to decorate cookies to how to advertise. We have obligations, so we can't just walk away--although I've felt like it and I'm sure she has, too. What can we do?
Anne: As you say, you have obligations so you shouldn't walk away. Is there someone you can use as an arbitrator? Maybe that person could make sure you each have some input (not control) into the other's domain but mostly focus on your own areas of expertise.
If you don't have someone like that, then I'd say you need to lay down some ground rules and follow them. You should each have a vote on what the other does, but only with an explanation--none of this "I don't like the way you're doing this or that." There needs to be a business reason. For instance, if your friend is baking Christmas cookie to sell in July, it should only be if you both decided to have a Christmas in Summertime promotion.
Dee: I was disappointed when you said your friend was a woman. I was going to suggest you screw every time there's a dispute. You might still disagree but at least you'll have fun doing it.
Fights are a normal part of business. You need to develop a game plan and stick with it. Don't fuck with the other person's arena. You went into catering for a reason and with a friendship. Don't forget it!
My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We've always seen eye to eye on everything until now. I had what I thought was a great idea for a catering company. She loves to cook and I'm good at business, so I thought it would be a dream come true for both of us. She agreed...until we actually started the business. Now we argue over everything from how to decorate cookies to how to advertise. We have obligations, so we can't just walk away--although I've felt like it and I'm sure she has, too. What can we do?
Anne: As you say, you have obligations so you shouldn't walk away. Is there someone you can use as an arbitrator? Maybe that person could make sure you each have some input (not control) into the other's domain but mostly focus on your own areas of expertise.
If you don't have someone like that, then I'd say you need to lay down some ground rules and follow them. You should each have a vote on what the other does, but only with an explanation--none of this "I don't like the way you're doing this or that." There needs to be a business reason. For instance, if your friend is baking Christmas cookie to sell in July, it should only be if you both decided to have a Christmas in Summertime promotion.
Dee: I was disappointed when you said your friend was a woman. I was going to suggest you screw every time there's a dispute. You might still disagree but at least you'll have fun doing it.
Fights are a normal part of business. You need to develop a game plan and stick with it. Don't fuck with the other person's arena. You went into catering for a reason and with a friendship. Don't forget it!
Monday, October 5, 2009
To Tell or Not to Tell...?
Q: I saw the husband of a friend in a restaurant with another woman. They were pretty touchy-feely. I have no idea what to do--should I tell or not?
Anne: Is this woman a good friend or just an acquaintance? If she's a good friend, I would tell her. Maybe there's a simple explanation. If there isn't, she needs to know. Then she can make her own decision as to how to handle the situation.
Dee: I can tell you right now, if you tell her she won't appreciate it. If he has a good reason, he'll be ticked that you were trying to cause trouble and she'll think you had ulterior reasons for snitching. If he's actually a cheating bastard, she won't like your knowing--especially if she doesn't take action against him. Tell her if you want, but don't be surprised if you lose a friend in the process.
[Note: Dee and I are in the process of moving, so we aren't able to respond to your posts. Hopefully we'll be back online again next week. Please stop back and visit again then.]
Anne: Is this woman a good friend or just an acquaintance? If she's a good friend, I would tell her. Maybe there's a simple explanation. If there isn't, she needs to know. Then she can make her own decision as to how to handle the situation.
Dee: I can tell you right now, if you tell her she won't appreciate it. If he has a good reason, he'll be ticked that you were trying to cause trouble and she'll think you had ulterior reasons for snitching. If he's actually a cheating bastard, she won't like your knowing--especially if she doesn't take action against him. Tell her if you want, but don't be surprised if you lose a friend in the process.
[Note: Dee and I are in the process of moving, so we aren't able to respond to your posts. Hopefully we'll be back online again next week. Please stop back and visit again then.]
Sunday, May 17, 2009
My Girlfriend's Bother's Keeper
Q: My husband and I went to a party at my girlfriend's house. I almost had to drag him. We have been having some marital problems and I was trying to get him involved in my life... or at least to have a life. He doesn't do anything with me or my friends. I assured him the group would be small with only her close friends and family, so he agreed. When we got there, as I told him, it wasn't a large group, maybe 8 people, including us. Her brother, whom I'd never met, was one of the guests and he was there alone. My friend told me he had also been having some marital problems.
There was plenty of alcohol, and I had more than my share. Well, when her brother and I looked at each other across the room, it was as though he was sending an electric current to my animal side. I knew was going to be bad later on. And I was. I cornered him in the bathroom and began an attack that I think he liked. At least, he kept me in there a good long time. The problem is, my girlfriend found out... or I should say saw us. She retaliated and attacked my husband. It wasn't a big deal to me - marital problems, remember? But now he wants to go to all of her parties -- and she has quite a few. I think it's because he wants to do my best friend. I like to go to her parties but now I don't want to take him. I don't know if he knows about her brother and me. I'm afraid to bring it up.
So what do I do? Take him along or tell him he's not invited and leave him home?
Anne: You have marital problems. Here's an idea: stay home together. Talk, watch a movie, go for a walk--but do it together. Get to know each other again. It seems to me you have to do something like that if you want your marriage to work. Stay away from your friend's brother. And your friend, for that matter. She doesn't sound like she's a very good influence.
Dee: I have better advice than that. Write me offline and I'll try to get you all on The Jerry Springer Show.
There was plenty of alcohol, and I had more than my share. Well, when her brother and I looked at each other across the room, it was as though he was sending an electric current to my animal side. I knew was going to be bad later on. And I was. I cornered him in the bathroom and began an attack that I think he liked. At least, he kept me in there a good long time. The problem is, my girlfriend found out... or I should say saw us. She retaliated and attacked my husband. It wasn't a big deal to me - marital problems, remember? But now he wants to go to all of her parties -- and she has quite a few. I think it's because he wants to do my best friend. I like to go to her parties but now I don't want to take him. I don't know if he knows about her brother and me. I'm afraid to bring it up.
So what do I do? Take him along or tell him he's not invited and leave him home?
Anne: You have marital problems. Here's an idea: stay home together. Talk, watch a movie, go for a walk--but do it together. Get to know each other again. It seems to me you have to do something like that if you want your marriage to work. Stay away from your friend's brother. And your friend, for that matter. She doesn't sound like she's a very good influence.
Dee: I have better advice than that. Write me offline and I'll try to get you all on The Jerry Springer Show.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Feeling Left Out and Hating It
Q: I have two best friends, one male and one female. We’ve always been together and I know they’ll always be part of my life. Or I hope so, at least. I never thought of him as a "boyfriend" ... but then a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend told me that she likes him and wants to try and "go out" with him. That’s upset me and I’m not sure why. I didn’t think it before but now I wonder if I have other feelings for him, too. What do I do?
Anne: Does the male in the trio like her back? Has she acted on her feelings, and has he responded? If so, then I think you have to let the relationship develop and see what happens. If you’re still bothered, then you need to talk with them and tell them of your concern, which I think might center around feeling left out. If they say they want to explore a new relationship, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. If you’ve never thought of the guy as a boyfriend before now, then you’re most likely not really attracted to him. Let that idea go. I’m sorry.
Dee: It’s sad but true, three’s a crowd. It’s a fact that three is the number that first allows stability—three legs will support a chair or table or a tripod. But people aren’t chairs (there’s a piece of profound wisdom). Three people in a relationship rarely works out, especially if one of them is of the opposite sex of the other two. If your friends are pairing off, sure, go ahead and tell them you feel hurt and left out. Chances are, they’re going to say back that they’re sorry but get over it. (Maybe they’ll be nicer than that…) You could then tell them to fuck off, but they probably will go and do half of that suggestion, and then you’ll feel worse. If you want to get back at them for dumping you, wait awhile before doing anything (letting air out of his tires while they’re on a date, posting a nasty story about her on a school blog). If you don’t, they’ll know it was you and all hell will break loose.
Of course, there is the possibility he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. In that case, you have the choice of letting things go and seeing if they fall back into the regular pattern, or you could try going out with him yourself and make your girlfriend feel as lousy and left out as you’ve been feeling. (I had to say that because otherwise, I agree with Anne, and God knows I can’t let that happen!)
Anne: Does the male in the trio like her back? Has she acted on her feelings, and has he responded? If so, then I think you have to let the relationship develop and see what happens. If you’re still bothered, then you need to talk with them and tell them of your concern, which I think might center around feeling left out. If they say they want to explore a new relationship, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. If you’ve never thought of the guy as a boyfriend before now, then you’re most likely not really attracted to him. Let that idea go. I’m sorry.
Dee: It’s sad but true, three’s a crowd. It’s a fact that three is the number that first allows stability—three legs will support a chair or table or a tripod. But people aren’t chairs (there’s a piece of profound wisdom). Three people in a relationship rarely works out, especially if one of them is of the opposite sex of the other two. If your friends are pairing off, sure, go ahead and tell them you feel hurt and left out. Chances are, they’re going to say back that they’re sorry but get over it. (Maybe they’ll be nicer than that…) You could then tell them to fuck off, but they probably will go and do half of that suggestion, and then you’ll feel worse. If you want to get back at them for dumping you, wait awhile before doing anything (letting air out of his tires while they’re on a date, posting a nasty story about her on a school blog). If you don’t, they’ll know it was you and all hell will break loose.
Of course, there is the possibility he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. In that case, you have the choice of letting things go and seeing if they fall back into the regular pattern, or you could try going out with him yourself and make your girlfriend feel as lousy and left out as you’ve been feeling. (I had to say that because otherwise, I agree with Anne, and God knows I can’t let that happen!)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Fatherhood? Puh-leeze!
Q: I have a male friend who just started dating a girl I don't like. She told him she is pregnant from her previous boyfriend. Now my friend wants to marry her because she needs help and has nowhere else to turn. I’m crazy over this because I think he is throwing his life away. He hasn't graduated from high school yet but he thinks he can make it work. What do I tell him?
Incredulous Best Friend
Anne: Incredulous, you don’t tell us if you’re a boy or girl, but either way, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. While his intentions are admirable, it sounds as though he’s on the wrong track. He needs someone to explain a few facts of life to him—the difficulty of finding work without a diploma, the costs, both financial and emotional, of dealing with a baby in the house (especially one that’s not his), the great danger of entering into a marriage where love and trust aren’t established. Is there a family member—yours or his—who he trusts enough to listen to? Or a minister, teacher or coach, maybe? I hope someone gets through to him before he makes a mistake that will affect three people.
Dee: See? THIS is why teens should not have the right to vote. Or drink or drive. Your friend has a head full of mush. Blow in his ear (only if you’re a girl, please, and I think you are because guys just don’t use words like “incredulous”) and see if you can clear some space for him to listen up.
There are places for girls who are prego to get help. Heck, maybe even the baby’s father would be interested in stepping up to the plate. Does she know that he won’t? If not, she still has options. Once your friend leaves school, his options for success are cut in half, even if he gets a GED. The longer he tries to align the costs of a family with a beginning job, and the longer he stays married, the harder it will be for him to break out and change the path he’s going down. If they should stay together long enough to add another child to the mix, well, I fear for his sanity.
I could be wrong. Could be things are hard but they persevere and end up making a good life. But the odds are greatly against them. Hell, the odds are against two people who are out of college, madly in love and NOT pregnant with someone else’s child, thanks very much.
Your friend’s heart is full of the joy of caring and giving and rose petals for the little one. Tell him to wake up. He ain’t Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t die and put him in charge. (Actually, I guess a rabbit did die, but work with me, here.) Tell him to clear his mind of hearts and flowers and think of the worst case scenario. Chances are very good this chick is going to dump him in a year or so because he’s working too hard and the baby cries too much and he’s never around to help her with “alone time.” He’ll end up paying child support for someone else’s kid and kicking himself all the way to his place behind the French fryer at McDonald’s.
If he’s smart instead of idealistic (which I doubt) he’ll point the girl to the nearest a)family member who might care, b)church, c)social services office, or someplace other than his parents’ basement, where he envisions living with her in wedded bliss.
Incredulous Best Friend
Anne: Incredulous, you don’t tell us if you’re a boy or girl, but either way, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. While his intentions are admirable, it sounds as though he’s on the wrong track. He needs someone to explain a few facts of life to him—the difficulty of finding work without a diploma, the costs, both financial and emotional, of dealing with a baby in the house (especially one that’s not his), the great danger of entering into a marriage where love and trust aren’t established. Is there a family member—yours or his—who he trusts enough to listen to? Or a minister, teacher or coach, maybe? I hope someone gets through to him before he makes a mistake that will affect three people.
Dee: See? THIS is why teens should not have the right to vote. Or drink or drive. Your friend has a head full of mush. Blow in his ear (only if you’re a girl, please, and I think you are because guys just don’t use words like “incredulous”) and see if you can clear some space for him to listen up.
There are places for girls who are prego to get help. Heck, maybe even the baby’s father would be interested in stepping up to the plate. Does she know that he won’t? If not, she still has options. Once your friend leaves school, his options for success are cut in half, even if he gets a GED. The longer he tries to align the costs of a family with a beginning job, and the longer he stays married, the harder it will be for him to break out and change the path he’s going down. If they should stay together long enough to add another child to the mix, well, I fear for his sanity.
I could be wrong. Could be things are hard but they persevere and end up making a good life. But the odds are greatly against them. Hell, the odds are against two people who are out of college, madly in love and NOT pregnant with someone else’s child, thanks very much.
Your friend’s heart is full of the joy of caring and giving and rose petals for the little one. Tell him to wake up. He ain’t Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t die and put him in charge. (Actually, I guess a rabbit did die, but work with me, here.) Tell him to clear his mind of hearts and flowers and think of the worst case scenario. Chances are very good this chick is going to dump him in a year or so because he’s working too hard and the baby cries too much and he’s never around to help her with “alone time.” He’ll end up paying child support for someone else’s kid and kicking himself all the way to his place behind the French fryer at McDonald’s.
If he’s smart instead of idealistic (which I doubt) he’ll point the girl to the nearest a)family member who might care, b)church, c)social services office, or someplace other than his parents’ basement, where he envisions living with her in wedded bliss.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
An Innocent Kiss? Um...NOT!
Q: My boyfriend and I attended a New Year’s Eve party at the house of my good friend. We were having a good time and shared a hot kiss when midnight arrived. When it was getting time to go home and I couldn’t find him, I went looking. Yes, you guessed it, I found him and my friend in a very compromising position. Not having sex, but I think they would have if not discovered. My friend’s husband was right in the other room! My boyfriend was obviously embarrassed and upset. He apologized all the way home and protested that he’d had too much to drink. My girlfriend called the next day and told me the same—that she’d had too much to drink, that she’s never done anything like that before and never would again. They both seem so sincere. I hesitated to write about this problem, but I can’t stop thinking about them together. Should I forgive and forget?
Feeling Like a New Year Baby
Anne: You are not a “baby” in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to worry before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one New Year’s Eve, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.
As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times and alcohol—-maybe even you. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.
Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—-and Anne you should remember this—-that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.
Now as for the woman. If she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.
Feeling Like a New Year Baby
Anne: You are not a “baby” in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to worry before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one New Year’s Eve, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.
As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times and alcohol—-maybe even you. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.
Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—-and Anne you should remember this—-that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.
Now as for the woman. If she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.
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