Q: My boyfriend is all into football and his favorite team lost today. Now he's all pissy. This has happened the past two years now. When his team badly, he's impossible to live with until they win again. He has even hit me once or twice when I've tried to talk him out of his mood. It's like this every fall—the rest of the year he's fine. What should I do?
Anne: Do you actually live with him? Because if so, maybe you should vacate the premises for the autumn. If not, call a hiatus for football season—maybe he'll get the hint that he's not fun to be around when he's acting juvenile.
Dee: Punt his ass down the field of broken relationships. Any man that raises his hand to a woman is an asshole. When he does it because his football game lost makes him a fucking asshole. And I don't care how great he is during the rest of the year. No need to try to make a pass or rush for a touchdown. He'll drop the ball every time. Call a foul and toss him out of the game.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Horse Ain't Always a Horse
Q: My boyfriend of three months and I just finished watching Secretariat. I thought it was a sweet, brave and inspiring movie. Jim made wisecracks all through it until I didn't even want to sit there with him. When it was over I showed him the door and he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. This has pointed out that his attitude about the movie is present in all kinds of things—things I'd been willing to overlook. Now I wonder if I should be overlooking them. If his actions during a movie bother me this much, won't other things—more important things—bother me even more in the future?
Anne: I would say that this might be a sign of things to come, so maybe you should think through this relationship carefully. Life ain't a movie.
Dee: Know what I got out of Secretariat? He sired 600 foals! That was one fucking good horse. Really, are you asking us about whether you should stay with your boyfriend because he made fun of a "sweet, brave, inspiring" movie? Are you listening to yourself??
Anne: I would say that this might be a sign of things to come, so maybe you should think through this relationship carefully. Life ain't a movie.
Dee: Know what I got out of Secretariat? He sired 600 foals! That was one fucking good horse. Really, are you asking us about whether you should stay with your boyfriend because he made fun of a "sweet, brave, inspiring" movie? Are you listening to yourself??
Monday, February 21, 2011
Fathers-in-Law and Husbands
Q: I have a model man for a father-in-law—literally. He was a fashion model for years and now runs his own agency. He's handsome as sin, intelligent, successful, wealthy, fun—the list goes on and on. As a corporate attorney, I have more in common with him than I do my husband's profession. I love my husband of two years, Hank, but unfortunately, he takes more after his mother than his father. His job is very low key (claims adjustor) and he lacks much ambition beyond doing 9-to-5 and then finding the nearest sports bar where he and his old high school buddies can watch a ball game. His mother and father have been estranged, so I only met Hank's dad a couple of months ago.
The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?
Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.
Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.
BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.
If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.
The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?
Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.
Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.
BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.
If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Older But Maybe Not Wiser
Q: I'm what's come to be known as a cougar. My boyfriend of a year is 12 years younger than me. I'm…let's say past the legal drinking age by about 25 years and he's in his 30s. He seems perfectly happy with our relationship. I love parts of it (especially the frequent and fantastic sex), but I get nervous going out with him. I keep thinking everyone's staring at us and wondering how much I'm paying to get a young stud for a date. What I think they're saying behind my back makes me feel like a slut, not a nice man's lover. If we could stay home, just with each other, I'd be more content, but he's very social and likes to be out with his friends. What should I do?
Anne: It's a cliché to say that if the roles were reversed—if you were a man and he a woman—no one would think anything of the situation you're in. You are woman. Let's hear you roar. I say try to enjoy your relationship—he seems to be.
Dee: OMG! You are being fucked senseless by—in your own words—a stud, and you're questioning what? Why he's screwing you? Something about your technique must be good. Then are you asking why he takes you out with his friends? He must not be embarrassed by your looks or manners. So you're wondering why he "seems perfectly happy" with the status quo? Lady, you must be doing something right!!!!
Now, if you think there's something wrong with what you're doing, like if you think there's something morally objectionable about an older woman being with a younger man, then break it off. Send him away to make some other older woman happy. Otherwise, relax, smile and enjoy your good fortune—plenty of other women would love being between your bed sheets.
Anne: It's a cliché to say that if the roles were reversed—if you were a man and he a woman—no one would think anything of the situation you're in. You are woman. Let's hear you roar. I say try to enjoy your relationship—he seems to be.
Dee: OMG! You are being fucked senseless by—in your own words—a stud, and you're questioning what? Why he's screwing you? Something about your technique must be good. Then are you asking why he takes you out with his friends? He must not be embarrassed by your looks or manners. So you're wondering why he "seems perfectly happy" with the status quo? Lady, you must be doing something right!!!!
Now, if you think there's something wrong with what you're doing, like if you think there's something morally objectionable about an older woman being with a younger man, then break it off. Send him away to make some other older woman happy. Otherwise, relax, smile and enjoy your good fortune—plenty of other women would love being between your bed sheets.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Growing Up Fast
Q: Please tell me what I should tell my mom. I say I'm only young once. I want to date and be on my own like my friends who are also fourteen. Some of my friends have even had sex already. My mom says I have to tell her where I'm going, with who and when I'll be back. She treats me like a child. I think I should be treated like an adult. How may I convince her?
Anne: You might convince her by doing better in English—you made two errors in your short note to us. (See if you can find them.)
A fourteen year old is not an adult, unless you're from a tribe in a 3rd world backwater, where they are often married and expected to raise families or support a family. In which case, you'll be working too hard to go on dates or have fun on your own. The parents of your friends who let them date and do God knows what else are doing their children no favors. Someday you will thank your lucky stars you had such a caring and strict mother.
Dee: What should you say to your mother? Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say, Mom.
Take it to the bank, kid, you are not ready to take on adult responsibility. No fourteen year old is, especially for sex. One small mistake in this arena can cost you dearly for the next 22 years of your life. Any one of your friends who say they are able to handle sexual intercourse and all the other crap you mentioned is lying or stupid or both.
Enjoy your time as a teen by not taking on adult behaviors and activities you aren't prepared for. And if you think Anne and I are just taking your mother's side of things, ask yourself if maybe we don't know a few things you don't. Maybe—just maybe—age teaches us a few things you haven't had time to learn.
Anne: You might convince her by doing better in English—you made two errors in your short note to us. (See if you can find them.)
A fourteen year old is not an adult, unless you're from a tribe in a 3rd world backwater, where they are often married and expected to raise families or support a family. In which case, you'll be working too hard to go on dates or have fun on your own. The parents of your friends who let them date and do God knows what else are doing their children no favors. Someday you will thank your lucky stars you had such a caring and strict mother.
Dee: What should you say to your mother? Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say, Mom.
Take it to the bank, kid, you are not ready to take on adult responsibility. No fourteen year old is, especially for sex. One small mistake in this arena can cost you dearly for the next 22 years of your life. Any one of your friends who say they are able to handle sexual intercourse and all the other crap you mentioned is lying or stupid or both.
Enjoy your time as a teen by not taking on adult behaviors and activities you aren't prepared for. And if you think Anne and I are just taking your mother's side of things, ask yourself if maybe we don't know a few things you don't. Maybe—just maybe—age teaches us a few things you haven't had time to learn.
Monday, July 5, 2010
4th of July "Fireworks"
Q: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. He's a lot of fun, very smart and the sex is great. We had plans to attend a 4th of July concert and last week Mark said he wanted to have sex in public, at the concert. Now this is in our city's park. It will be jammed with people listening to music and watching fireworks over the lake. I told him I thought he was crazy. but he's serious. He said he was getting a little bored – who knew that?? – and needed this to put a bit of excitement in our relationship. I thought everything was just fine and I'm very uncomfortable. When I protested, he went home mad, and now I'm not sure what to do. I think he means this as a deal breaker after two years.
Anne: When it comes to sex you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Ask him why he thinks the sex has gone stale and try to fix it—if you stil want to be with Mark—but don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.
Dee: To paraphrase Anne, don't do anything that can get you landed in jail. Public sex is a legal problem. And yeah, its' true that if you feel dead set against public sex, don't do it. If that means no more Mark, so be it.
However, I understand his request. Fucking in public—and I mean fucking, not making love—is a pretty heady thing (no pun intended) to do in situations where you can be caught. It adds a sense of urgency, passion and danger that increases the tension exponentially. Pull a blanket over you and start with a little fingering. Fondling and touching, skin to skin, is a thrill with someone else a few feet away. I wouldn't recommend doing this right down in the front row, but find a fairly quiet place in back. Then try going all the way in such a way as not to be too obvious (remember the slammer could await). You might be surprised at the fireworks it sets off in your pussy.
Anne: When it comes to sex you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Ask him why he thinks the sex has gone stale and try to fix it—if you stil want to be with Mark—but don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.
Dee: To paraphrase Anne, don't do anything that can get you landed in jail. Public sex is a legal problem. And yeah, its' true that if you feel dead set against public sex, don't do it. If that means no more Mark, so be it.
However, I understand his request. Fucking in public—and I mean fucking, not making love—is a pretty heady thing (no pun intended) to do in situations where you can be caught. It adds a sense of urgency, passion and danger that increases the tension exponentially. Pull a blanket over you and start with a little fingering. Fondling and touching, skin to skin, is a thrill with someone else a few feet away. I wouldn't recommend doing this right down in the front row, but find a fairly quiet place in back. Then try going all the way in such a way as not to be too obvious (remember the slammer could await). You might be surprised at the fireworks it sets off in your pussy.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Need Time Alone? You Got It.
Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm stepping out on her because I don't have any energy for sex. I work two jobs and go to school. She works part-time as a secretary and is ready to go out when the weekend comes. If we stay home, she wants me to chase her around the bedroom. If she doesn't give me a break soon, I'll be breaking up with her. A woman I stay with needs to understand what's important to me, and right now my future takes precedence over getting between a woman's legs. I like her, though, and she's nice enough. What can I say or do to get my position through to her?
Anne: Nothing. Break it off. You'd be better off seeking out a one night stand when you're in the mood for sex. Let your girlfriend (if she really is your girlfriend) find someone more suited to her.
Dee: Hey, fucking isn't everything, I agree. But it's something, and especially when two people feel something for each other. You come across as uninterested in having a future with her. You sound tired of her, actually. Certainly not in love.
Anne's right (there's a first). You'd be better off telling her you're calling it quits. Then you can have all the time alone you want. And I have a feeling there will be a lot of it.
Anne: Nothing. Break it off. You'd be better off seeking out a one night stand when you're in the mood for sex. Let your girlfriend (if she really is your girlfriend) find someone more suited to her.
Dee: Hey, fucking isn't everything, I agree. But it's something, and especially when two people feel something for each other. You come across as uninterested in having a future with her. You sound tired of her, actually. Certainly not in love.
Anne's right (there's a first). You'd be better off telling her you're calling it quits. Then you can have all the time alone you want. And I have a feeling there will be a lot of it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Coming Home in Kansas City
Q: My boyfriend is returning from a tour of duty in Iraq this coming weekend. When he left we were good friends, but since he's been there we've come to know each other better through our letters and have finally found that we love each other. I can't wait to see him again, but more importantly, I can't wait to love him in every way. He proposed in his last letter and I intend to marry him. My problem is, I share a duplex with my mother. Though we live in separate sides of the house, she will certainly know if Joey spends the night with me. She thinks I'm a virgin (which I am, actually), and doesn't have any notion that I might sleep with a man before marrying him. I'm an adult but I still feel funny about having Joey stay with me when he comes home--but I also want it more than anything. What should I do?
Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)
Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.
The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.
Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!
Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)
Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.
The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.
Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Who's the Biggest Boob of All?
Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he likes large breasts. He wants me to get a boob job. I checked and they're very expensive. He's not working so he can't pay, and I just barely have enough in savings to cover the costs. I really love him, but I'm nervous about this. Any advice?
Anne: My advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. He doesn't have the money and neither do you (and you don't, really). You never said how you feel about this kind of surgery. Is this something you'd be willing to do, or be happy to do? If you go ahead, make sure you use a reputable surgeon. This is time to go for quality and not a low price. But I'd advise against. If your boyfriend says big breasts prove you love him, find someone else, someone who loves you as you are.
Dee: This is a big duh. He thinks boobs make the woman? Check. He can't or won't pay for the operation? Check. He doesn't mind if you empty your savings account of your hard earned money? Check. You have concerns that he doesn't seem to care about? Check.
This guy is a big, fat LOSER??? CHECK.
Dump this asshole and find someone who wants you as you are. Or maybe as you are in a Wonder Bra.
Anne: My advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. He doesn't have the money and neither do you (and you don't, really). You never said how you feel about this kind of surgery. Is this something you'd be willing to do, or be happy to do? If you go ahead, make sure you use a reputable surgeon. This is time to go for quality and not a low price. But I'd advise against. If your boyfriend says big breasts prove you love him, find someone else, someone who loves you as you are.
Dee: This is a big duh. He thinks boobs make the woman? Check. He can't or won't pay for the operation? Check. He doesn't mind if you empty your savings account of your hard earned money? Check. You have concerns that he doesn't seem to care about? Check.
This guy is a big, fat LOSER??? CHECK.
Dump this asshole and find someone who wants you as you are. Or maybe as you are in a Wonder Bra.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Taxing Situation in Tucumcari
Q: Every year, my girlfriend waits until the very last minute to prepare her taxes. She holds off and then drags me into the mess with her, venting, ranting at the IRS and herself (and me) alike, and generally disrupting our lives for a couple of weeks while she scrambles to find the information and receipts she needs and then getting them to the accountant in time for him to do the work and send it back before April 15. It drives me crazy!! Any tips on how I can prod her into getting things done earlier next year?
Anne: Well, show her this letter, for one. Let her know that it isn't just her who's thrown into a tizzy by her lateness. Or perhaps you could start in February, suggesting the two of you do your taxes together and then help her get organized. Or, take the bull by the horns and set up an accounting package that will automatically organize her income and expenses?
On the other hand, maybe she's one of those people who lives on the drama of running up to the last minute. (Like someone you know, Dee?) In which case, get used to chaotic Aprils because that's the way they will always be.
Dee: Haha, Anne. Look, dude, when I think of a woman "being late," financial planning isn't what comes to mind, family planning is. Thank your lucky stars you're only talking of something as insignificant as preparing taxes and cut your girlfriend some slack. Turn on a game, get a beer and let her run around in panic mode to her heart's content.
Anne: Well, show her this letter, for one. Let her know that it isn't just her who's thrown into a tizzy by her lateness. Or perhaps you could start in February, suggesting the two of you do your taxes together and then help her get organized. Or, take the bull by the horns and set up an accounting package that will automatically organize her income and expenses?
On the other hand, maybe she's one of those people who lives on the drama of running up to the last minute. (Like someone you know, Dee?) In which case, get used to chaotic Aprils because that's the way they will always be.
Dee: Haha, Anne. Look, dude, when I think of a woman "being late," financial planning isn't what comes to mind, family planning is. Thank your lucky stars you're only talking of something as insignificant as preparing taxes and cut your girlfriend some slack. Turn on a game, get a beer and let her run around in panic mode to her heart's content.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Differences in Detroit
Q: My boyfriend and I argue all the time about small things like which movies (he likes kick-em-up and I like comedy or romance) to see on our dates, what type of restaurant (he likes American meat and potatoes and I like Thai or something exotic) to go to for dinner and which radio station to listen to (he likes country and I like rap). What can I do to get him to listen to my point of view more?
Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.
Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.
I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.
Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.
Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.
I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Wants a Divorce
Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?
Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.
Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.
The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.
Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.
Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.
Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.
The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.
Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Betrayed by a Friend
Q: ARGHHH! Please help. My best friend and I have lived separate lives in different states for several years. Just last week we got together for a mini-reunion and I find we have nothing in common anymore. I'm liberal, she's conservative. I'm a single career woman and she's a stay-at-home mom with three children and a husband. I'm a player, seeing two or three men at once and having sex almost every night of the week, and she seems happy with the same guy she's been married to for nine years. This woman and I were simpatico in every way when we roomed together in college. Now she's nothing like I remember. I feel betrayed.
Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.
Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.
BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!
Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.
Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.
BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Ring-ring! Husband Calling.
Q: I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. BUT, whenever I'm away from home he calls me three or four times a day. I often travel to my mother's or to our second home. At either place, I have things to do. When he phones, it's always at an inconvenient time, and it's almost always to tell me something that's unimportant--or at least could wait. When I'm short with him, he says it doesn't sound as though I miss him and he's hurt. I've tried asking him to call between two times (like 5:30 - 6:00) but he still calls whenever he has something to say. What can I do to get through to him?
Anne: Is this a trust issue? Surely your husband knows you aren't out running around on him if you go to help your mother or completing work at your other home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will call him nightly (or at some time you agree on), and you would appreciate not receiving calls at other times unless there's an emergency. With a specified time he knows you will talk, he might save all of his news or comments for then.
Dee: WTF? Your husband calls you multiple times during the day to chat? When he knows you're tied up with chores and other things to do? I mean, it's nice to know he misses you, but tell him to grow up, for Christ's sake. You're his wife, not his mommy.
It seems to me that two adults can restrain themselves to talking once a day when they're away from each other unless there is business to transact. As Anne said, set a time to talk and then make sure you are ready to spend a few minutes with him at that time. If he can't get that through his head, then whenever he calls, tell him you're in the middle of xxx and say, "Here, honey, talk to my mother because I really don't have time right now." I'm pretty sure he won't keep calling when he shouldn't.
Anne: Is this a trust issue? Surely your husband knows you aren't out running around on him if you go to help your mother or completing work at your other home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will call him nightly (or at some time you agree on), and you would appreciate not receiving calls at other times unless there's an emergency. With a specified time he knows you will talk, he might save all of his news or comments for then.
Dee: WTF? Your husband calls you multiple times during the day to chat? When he knows you're tied up with chores and other things to do? I mean, it's nice to know he misses you, but tell him to grow up, for Christ's sake. You're his wife, not his mommy.
It seems to me that two adults can restrain themselves to talking once a day when they're away from each other unless there is business to transact. As Anne said, set a time to talk and then make sure you are ready to spend a few minutes with him at that time. If he can't get that through his head, then whenever he calls, tell him you're in the middle of xxx and say, "Here, honey, talk to my mother because I really don't have time right now." I'm pretty sure he won't keep calling when he shouldn't.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Semper Fi Myself
Q: My fiancé is a Marine in the Middle East. I love him and he loves me but he always thinks I'm cheating on him. If I tell him I've gone out with friends, he asks if there were men there. If I don't mention going out, he thinks I'm hiding something from him. I don't know how to prove I'm faithful and in love with him. Any suggestions?
Anne: Is he like this when he's home? If so, I'd say you have a serious problem with your relationship. No couple can withstand constant jealousy or lack of trust. Send him a copy of this column. Let him see your frustration. All I can say is, keep reassuring him. Hopefully he will come to see your heart is his. I'm praying for his safety and speedy return.
Dee: It's easy to doubt something good in life when you're facing the worst every day. I have to ask, though, have you ever before given him reason to distrust you? 99.9% of military wives are true and live for their men to come home. It's that .1% every military man dreads, so if you've cheated before that might be reason enough for him to think you could cheat again. If you go out with friends to bars (where, sad to say, men might try to pick you up or, sadder to say, you might be the picker instead of the pickee), as opposed to church dinners, then he might worry, even if you've been purer than Caesar's wife in the past. Or it could be that he's just fearful you might cheat no matter what you have or haven't done before--in which case you two need to talk with someone and try to work things out before the wedding.
Semper fi!
Anne: Is he like this when he's home? If so, I'd say you have a serious problem with your relationship. No couple can withstand constant jealousy or lack of trust. Send him a copy of this column. Let him see your frustration. All I can say is, keep reassuring him. Hopefully he will come to see your heart is his. I'm praying for his safety and speedy return.
Dee: It's easy to doubt something good in life when you're facing the worst every day. I have to ask, though, have you ever before given him reason to distrust you? 99.9% of military wives are true and live for their men to come home. It's that .1% every military man dreads, so if you've cheated before that might be reason enough for him to think you could cheat again. If you go out with friends to bars (where, sad to say, men might try to pick you up or, sadder to say, you might be the picker instead of the pickee), as opposed to church dinners, then he might worry, even if you've been purer than Caesar's wife in the past. Or it could be that he's just fearful you might cheat no matter what you have or haven't done before--in which case you two need to talk with someone and try to work things out before the wedding.
Semper fi!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Can't Seem to Plan My Life
Q: I am totally disorganized. My boyfriend threatens to break up with me if I miss one more date because I didn't have it written in the planner he bought me for my birthday, and my mother doesn't speak to me anymore because I forgot her birthday…for the third year in a row. I don't mean to forget these things, I just do. Is there any help for me?
Anne: Well, just use your planner. The minute you find you have an appointment, write it down. Then remember to look at it. Maybe you have too much going on? If so, cut back on some activities and focus on those things that are really important. Fewer things to keep track of means more things you will keep track of.
Dee: As Anne said, you remember the things that are important. I'll bet you aren't this scattered at work, are you? If so, you wouldn't be working for long. So here's my take. Your mom is a nag, always has been, always will be. Forgetting something that you know will irritate her is your way of getting back at her. As for your boyfriend, dump the bastard. If he bought you a planner and you still don't remember dates, well, read the writing on the wall. He obviously isn't the guy that gets your panties wet. Move on.
Anne: Well, just use your planner. The minute you find you have an appointment, write it down. Then remember to look at it. Maybe you have too much going on? If so, cut back on some activities and focus on those things that are really important. Fewer things to keep track of means more things you will keep track of.
Dee: As Anne said, you remember the things that are important. I'll bet you aren't this scattered at work, are you? If so, you wouldn't be working for long. So here's my take. Your mom is a nag, always has been, always will be. Forgetting something that you know will irritate her is your way of getting back at her. As for your boyfriend, dump the bastard. If he bought you a planner and you still don't remember dates, well, read the writing on the wall. He obviously isn't the guy that gets your panties wet. Move on.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Toilet Training
Q: I know this is one of the oldest problems women have, but how do I train my boyfriend to put down the toilet seat? I've almost broken my back a few times late at night when I haven't turned on the light.
Anne: You're right, this is a pretty persistent problem, and one which I think has no ideal solution. You could "forget" to buy beer a week, or "forget" to pick up the groceries or do laundry. Unfortunately, most men don't notice or care about these things. They'd just as soon buy the beer, order pizza and let laundry go for weeks. Maybe Dee has a better solution?
Francis Drake: I have to interject here. As a man, I'd say, explain that sometimes you're in a hurry and may forget to check to see if the seat is up. Tell your boyfriend that it's uncomfortable and unsanitary if your butt drops into the water, in addition to causing possible bodily harm.
Dee: Yeah, like that would work.
Francis: Or you could put on your Big Girl panties and learn to put the seat down. And what's this about "training" your boyfriend? Is he a poodle?? Men like it when things are up, so learn to deal with it.
Dee: (smiling sweetly): How about this? Tell him it will be a cold, fucking day in Hell before any hot fucking takes place in the bedroom. Things won't be "up" for long.
Anne: You're right, this is a pretty persistent problem, and one which I think has no ideal solution. You could "forget" to buy beer a week, or "forget" to pick up the groceries or do laundry. Unfortunately, most men don't notice or care about these things. They'd just as soon buy the beer, order pizza and let laundry go for weeks. Maybe Dee has a better solution?
Francis Drake: I have to interject here. As a man, I'd say, explain that sometimes you're in a hurry and may forget to check to see if the seat is up. Tell your boyfriend that it's uncomfortable and unsanitary if your butt drops into the water, in addition to causing possible bodily harm.
Dee: Yeah, like that would work.
Francis: Or you could put on your Big Girl panties and learn to put the seat down. And what's this about "training" your boyfriend? Is he a poodle?? Men like it when things are up, so learn to deal with it.
Dee: (smiling sweetly): How about this? Tell him it will be a cold, fucking day in Hell before any hot fucking takes place in the bedroom. Things won't be "up" for long.
Monday, December 7, 2009
About to Pop the Question
Q: I can't believe I'm writing you two. It's not like I'm a romance novel fan or anything, but I know my girlfriend reads this blog so I thought I'd try to find out in a backhanded way if my suspicions are correct.
I have a ring burning a hole in my pocket that I planned to give to her this Christmas. Then while she and my mom and sister were out shopping yesterday I discovered when it rang that she left her cell phone at the house. I answered and a man's voice asked for her. He sounded very surprised to hear another man (me) on the other end. He said to let her know that Kenny's flight had been changed from Monday to Sunday, and that he couldn't wait to see her at the airport. When I asked for a number, he said she had it. I know she doesn't have brothers and I've never heard her mention a Kenny in the four years we've been dating. I have noticed in the last few months that she's cancelled dates every now and then--nothing major, nothing that made me suspect she was seeing someone else on the side. Now I'm not so sure. What do you think?
Anne: This isn't what I think it's what I know: ask her about this phone call now, immediately, without waiting another minute. Otherwise your suspicions will fester and there might be a logical explanation. If it's as bad as you think, better to find out now rather than after you ask her to marry you, or (yikes!) after you've said your vows.
Dee: Wake up and smell the fishsticks.
This is what I'd suggest. Before Sunday, take her out for a good dinner and then surprise her by going to a great hotel. Enjoy some wine and chocolate covered strawberries, then climb into a Jacuzzi. Last, carry her to bed and knock yourself out having the best sex the two of you have ever had. Give her one…two…three orgasms. Then ask her WTF this guy Kenny is doing calling her cell and sounding like a long lost bed buddy. If she has a good explanation (which, cynic that I am I tend not to think she will), then hooray. You've had a good time and a good laugh. If she admits to cheating, then she'll at least know what she'll be giving up. Unless...the sex isn't all that great between you two. In which case I agree with Anne: better to know now than later.
I have a ring burning a hole in my pocket that I planned to give to her this Christmas. Then while she and my mom and sister were out shopping yesterday I discovered when it rang that she left her cell phone at the house. I answered and a man's voice asked for her. He sounded very surprised to hear another man (me) on the other end. He said to let her know that Kenny's flight had been changed from Monday to Sunday, and that he couldn't wait to see her at the airport. When I asked for a number, he said she had it. I know she doesn't have brothers and I've never heard her mention a Kenny in the four years we've been dating. I have noticed in the last few months that she's cancelled dates every now and then--nothing major, nothing that made me suspect she was seeing someone else on the side. Now I'm not so sure. What do you think?
Anne: This isn't what I think it's what I know: ask her about this phone call now, immediately, without waiting another minute. Otherwise your suspicions will fester and there might be a logical explanation. If it's as bad as you think, better to find out now rather than after you ask her to marry you, or (yikes!) after you've said your vows.
Dee: Wake up and smell the fishsticks.
This is what I'd suggest. Before Sunday, take her out for a good dinner and then surprise her by going to a great hotel. Enjoy some wine and chocolate covered strawberries, then climb into a Jacuzzi. Last, carry her to bed and knock yourself out having the best sex the two of you have ever had. Give her one…two…three orgasms. Then ask her WTF this guy Kenny is doing calling her cell and sounding like a long lost bed buddy. If she has a good explanation (which, cynic that I am I tend not to think she will), then hooray. You've had a good time and a good laugh. If she admits to cheating, then she'll at least know what she'll be giving up. Unless...the sex isn't all that great between you two. In which case I agree with Anne: better to know now than later.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Unfriendly Business
Q: I entered into a business relationship with a friend and now I'm in trouble. Help!
My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We've always seen eye to eye on everything until now. I had what I thought was a great idea for a catering company. She loves to cook and I'm good at business, so I thought it would be a dream come true for both of us. She agreed...until we actually started the business. Now we argue over everything from how to decorate cookies to how to advertise. We have obligations, so we can't just walk away--although I've felt like it and I'm sure she has, too. What can we do?
Anne: As you say, you have obligations so you shouldn't walk away. Is there someone you can use as an arbitrator? Maybe that person could make sure you each have some input (not control) into the other's domain but mostly focus on your own areas of expertise.
If you don't have someone like that, then I'd say you need to lay down some ground rules and follow them. You should each have a vote on what the other does, but only with an explanation--none of this "I don't like the way you're doing this or that." There needs to be a business reason. For instance, if your friend is baking Christmas cookie to sell in July, it should only be if you both decided to have a Christmas in Summertime promotion.
Dee: I was disappointed when you said your friend was a woman. I was going to suggest you screw every time there's a dispute. You might still disagree but at least you'll have fun doing it.
Fights are a normal part of business. You need to develop a game plan and stick with it. Don't fuck with the other person's arena. You went into catering for a reason and with a friendship. Don't forget it!
My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We've always seen eye to eye on everything until now. I had what I thought was a great idea for a catering company. She loves to cook and I'm good at business, so I thought it would be a dream come true for both of us. She agreed...until we actually started the business. Now we argue over everything from how to decorate cookies to how to advertise. We have obligations, so we can't just walk away--although I've felt like it and I'm sure she has, too. What can we do?
Anne: As you say, you have obligations so you shouldn't walk away. Is there someone you can use as an arbitrator? Maybe that person could make sure you each have some input (not control) into the other's domain but mostly focus on your own areas of expertise.
If you don't have someone like that, then I'd say you need to lay down some ground rules and follow them. You should each have a vote on what the other does, but only with an explanation--none of this "I don't like the way you're doing this or that." There needs to be a business reason. For instance, if your friend is baking Christmas cookie to sell in July, it should only be if you both decided to have a Christmas in Summertime promotion.
Dee: I was disappointed when you said your friend was a woman. I was going to suggest you screw every time there's a dispute. You might still disagree but at least you'll have fun doing it.
Fights are a normal part of business. You need to develop a game plan and stick with it. Don't fuck with the other person's arena. You went into catering for a reason and with a friendship. Don't forget it!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Men in Uniform--Who Can Resist?
Q: I'm attending school in Norfolk, Virginia as a freshman. I live in Kansas and have a steady boyfriend who's going to Kansas State. He says he's staying true to me and I believe him. However, I'm almost to the point where I can't keep saying the same to him. I'm surrounded my military guys all the time, and what they say about a man looking good in uniform is so true. I've made friends with a couple of really nice men, a sailor and a marine. So far we've just gone out as part of a gang, but I'm really attracted to both guys and they've indicated they're attracted to me, too. What should I do? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, and I don't want to cheat, but I feel myself weakening.
Anne: Long distance relationships are very hard. If you and your boyfriend pledged to stay faithful, then you have to try hard to do so. Freshman year is difficult and you're far from home. Take stock of what you really want and truly feel. If it's your boyfriend, hang tough even though you might be lonely. Don't give into the thrill of a quick romance with a virtual stranger who might be at a distance himself in a month or so.
Dee: Going away to school is only a little about getting a good education. Heck, you could have done that much closer to home. It's mostly about seeing new horizons and finding out about life. I am NOT recommending experimenting with sex drugs and alcohol, but I am saying that being in a new place among new people is part of discovering what you want out of life. You and your boyfriend should be dating, learning about other people and finding out your true feelings. If you love each other, it'll come through even after dating others. This is no time to tie yourself down to one person or place. Just be sure not to do anything harmful or that you'll regret. This isn't a time to go wild, just spread your wings in a new segment of your life.
By the way, Anne and I are also here among the uniformed men of the US military, and all I can say is hubba-hubba.
Anne: Long distance relationships are very hard. If you and your boyfriend pledged to stay faithful, then you have to try hard to do so. Freshman year is difficult and you're far from home. Take stock of what you really want and truly feel. If it's your boyfriend, hang tough even though you might be lonely. Don't give into the thrill of a quick romance with a virtual stranger who might be at a distance himself in a month or so.
Dee: Going away to school is only a little about getting a good education. Heck, you could have done that much closer to home. It's mostly about seeing new horizons and finding out about life. I am NOT recommending experimenting with sex drugs and alcohol, but I am saying that being in a new place among new people is part of discovering what you want out of life. You and your boyfriend should be dating, learning about other people and finding out your true feelings. If you love each other, it'll come through even after dating others. This is no time to tie yourself down to one person or place. Just be sure not to do anything harmful or that you'll regret. This isn't a time to go wild, just spread your wings in a new segment of your life.
By the way, Anne and I are also here among the uniformed men of the US military, and all I can say is hubba-hubba.
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