Jokes Are Dead Wrong for This Guy

Q: I am a mortician. I'm used to all the jokes and stories made up about morticians, but it bothers me when my girlfriend takes part. I've told her over and over that I get that kind of thing enough from others, and that I take my job seriously. It's important. But she continues. What can I do to get her to stop?

Anne: Well, maybe nothing. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't care to pay attention, maybe that's a hint as to how she feels about you. Or maybe your profession makes her nervous. Are there any other problems? You should examine your relationship beyond jokes made about your job.

Dee: Maybe she continues to make jokes because   well, shit, maybe because she finds such jokes funny. It's a release from (what you have to admit) is kind of a macabre, dark profession. Maybe you should joke back. Let her know that yes, your job is really important and yes, it's a serious profession, but that you can appreciate the way she needs to handle release from that.

Or tell her that when she tells jokes about dead bodies and such that it makes you hot and that you must have sex or a BJ every time you hear such jokes. Then follow through. Either she will give up the jokes or you'll have lots of fucking added to your life. Either way, it's not so bad, right?

Friend or Boyfriend?

Q: My boyfriend and I attended a party at the house of my good friend. We were having a good time and shared a hot kiss early in the evening. When it was getting time to go home and I couldn’t find him, I went looking. Yes, you guessed it, I found him and my friend in a very compromising position. Not having sex, but I think they would have if not discovered. My friend’s husband was right in the other room! My boyfriend was obviously embarrassed and upset. He apologized all the way home and protested that he’d had too much to drink. My girlfriend called the next day and told me the same—that she’d had too much to drink, that she’s never done anything like that before and never would again. I hesitated to write about this problem, but I can’t stop thinking about them together. Should I forgive and forget? I'm feeling childish, but I can't help it.

Anne: You are not being childish in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to doubt him before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one evening, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.

As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times with alcohol—maybe even you have. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.

Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—and Anne you should remember this—that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.

Now as for the woman, if she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.

This Girl Wants SEX--In the Best Way or Worst

Q: My God! My girlfriend is demanding sex three and four times a day all of a sudden. I'm virile and my spirit is willing, but the flesh just can't take it. I can't study, I can't read or watch TV without her climbing on me and wanting my cock inside her. She even got her bush waxed! I asked her what she ate that made her like this—she used to be sweet and unassuming, giving me sex whenever I wanted it, but never initiating—and she got mad. Said if I couldn't give her what she needed, she'd find someone who could. I'm afraid to have the guys over to watch a ballgame for fear she might have a different "ball game" in mind. What the hell do I do??

Anne: Something has changed for this woman and I suggest you find out quickly what it is. She doesn't do drugs or anything, does she? Has she changed her friends? Taken a feminine empowerment class or something? You can't address the situation until you know the root cause, so look for that.

Dee: What the hell is wrong with you??? She has obviously discovered what you haven't pointed out to her yet: Women love sex, too. And not by being "sweet and unassuming," available at your beck and call. Someone has alerted her to her sexuality, and it wasn't you, Bud.

So. Your choices are what?

• You start taking vitamins and working out instead of sitting on your butt watching TV. That way maybe you'd be able to keep up with her.
• You call your friends over regularly and have sex with the girlfriend night. (Not recommended unless the two of you are into kinky stuff.)
• Make a trip to Adam and Eve.com and buy her some toys. That way she can satisfy herself. On those times you join in the fun, it will be even better for her. The remote control egg can bring a woman off in under a minute and it's always ready and willing. Or maybe try a nice rabbit that does the pussy and clit at the same time.
• Be imaginative, jerk, and find alternative ways to satisfy her when you're a little tired or have a headache. (Poor baby.) By that, I mean suck her off. Learn to be the world's greatest expert in cunnilingus, and she'll be yours forever.

There are a lot of guys out there who would love to have your problem, you know. A woman who wants to fuck all the time? A blessing, man, a blessing. And if you don't do something like what I've described above, one of them is going to end up with your girlfriend.

Half-Baked Ideas

Q: I want to lose weight. My knees are bothering me and my cholesterol is high. But my husband is retired with time on his hands and he is spending it making cookies and all kinds of other goodies. He has diabetes, so he makes a lot of things sugar-free but that doesn't mean the fat is low. I don't want to dissuade him or harp, but I have asked him to stop. He thinks he's pleasing me. I wish he would go out and get a part-time job.

Anne: Show him your weight and cholesterol reading. In fact, if it's not too embarrassing, post them on the refrigerator. Whenever he makes something you shouldn't have, wave the note under his nose and tell him once more why you shouldn't be eating that kind of food. You could also post job listings on the 'fridge…

Dee: Tell him that baking cookies = no sex. I've never known a man to ignore that message.

Q: My partner in life wants me to go sky diving. I am not a risk taker. Up to this point, opposites have attracted with us—he rock climbs, hang glides, and explores underwater caves. He says he wants us to dive together and experience a climax in free-fall. My idea of high excitement is reading about someone who climbs Everest, not doing it. He's been pestering me for months, but now he is pushing me into it by making the appointment. I do not want to go. We screw plenty enough on the ground; I don't need to fuck at 25,000 feet while watching the Earth approach at lightning speed. He says I'm a pussy and that if I don't start doing things with him, our relationship might not last.

Anne: Don't go. It's as simple as that. Tell him you will not go whether he makes an appointment or not and then stick to that. If it's a deal breaker for the relationship, you have to be ready to accept that.

Dee: I have one question: how much sex is "plenty enough?" I've never reached that point I guess. Please send the answer in return e-mail.

Now, ask yourself this—what if. What if you go up in the plane after packing your parachute under strict supervision? What if you're given a crash course (no pun intended) in how to jump and land safely? What if you take lots of deep breaths and go out of that plane of your own free will? Finally, what if you two hook up in free fall and you have the best fucking orgasm you've ever had in your life, an orgasm you won't forget for the rest of your life? High emotion, like fear and breathtaking thrill tend to enhance other experiences, like sex.

Worth the risk? Only you know. Supposedly sky diving is safer than driving to the airport. But if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. It's as simple as that.

Don't forget to send me that magic "plenty enough" number.

Wants Another Child (NOT!)

Q: My husband wants another baby. The one we have now is only a year old and I'm already run ragged. I'm not even sure I want any more kids, much less another at this point. What can I say to convince him to wait?

Anne: People who don't take care for children don't know how much it takes to do so. Can you go on a trip for a few days and leave your child for your husband to take care of? That might give him an idea of the energy required. And you should also explain in no uncertain terms that you don’t have the energy or desire for another child right now. Make sure you're clear.

Dee: He likes to practice making kids. Do you? If so, fuck like bunnies—and make sure you’re on good, reliable birth control. Tell hubby that you are and why, and don't give into bullying or unfair persuasion. If sex is what he likes (and what you like) then have at it. If you don't like sex, then that's a different ballgame. In that case, seek help.

Coupon Book Valentine Gift

Q: Every year my husband gives me flowers or candy for Valentine's Day. I don't mean to imply that things have gotten boring between us sexually. Or maybe I do. This year—our seventh married Valentine's Day—I want something to shake things up. What are your suggestions?

Anne: A romantic weekend retreat. No matter where you live there is someplace you can go to be alone for a day or two. Give him an IOU coupon book. With a daily coupon for a week, you agree to give him something he wants: a back rub, his favorite meal, relief from taking out the trash, and so on. That would be very different, I'll bet.

Dee: The coupon book is a good idea. Here are some ideas for each day: a blow job; surprise him by wearing no underwear when you go out; use a vibrator on yourself in front of him; go out to dinner wearing an egg—and give him the remote; buy and wear some sexy lingerie; send the kids to mom's and rent an adult movie—then act out a scene; arrange to "meet" in a bar or restaurant and pick each other up as though you were strangers. Or, you could probably promise to give head every night and I'm sure he'd be happy. If that doesn't shake things up, find a good lawyer because honey, something's up the creek.

NOT Brotherly Love

Q: I'm so embarrassed I can't believe I'm even writing you. My problem is, my brother—who is three years older than I am and a senior in high school—has been having sex with me. It started a couple of years ago when he accidentally walked in on me when I was showering. Shortly after, he found ways to brush against me. When we were home alone he would corner me and kiss me, and then touch me, until one night when my parents were out at a party, he sneaked into my room and actually had sex with me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him and make him go away, I wanted to throw up, but instead I froze. It was my first time and I cried a lot for days, so much that my mom said I looked awful and wanted to take me to the doctor. Privately my brother said if I turned him in he'd make me sorry—and since I didn't scream or fight him, no one would believe I wasn't willing. From somewhere he found birth control pills and had me take them. After that, he took me whenever and wherever he could. The worst thing is, I have orgasms, so part of me must like what he does. I feel dirty and used. I want to kill myself. What can I do?


Anne: Immediately get help. Tell your parents, talk to a school nurse or your minister or counselor. DO NOT WAIT! Forget the embarrassment. What happened is not your fault—in fact most sexual abuse is done by someone the abused person knows. You won't be the first girl to have to tell on your brother. He played on your fears to have his way.


I am serious—find someone to talk to right away. Dee and I are not qualified in this kind of situation to recommend more than that.


Dee: Your brother raped you, nothing less. He could (and should) go to jail for what he's doing, especially since you were a child when he started and you’re still underage. You must tell someone what's been happening. Do not waste any time doing so.


If you can't bring yourself to talk to someone you know, there are online organizations that could help: http://www.stopitnow.org/ or http://www.protect.org/home. But it would be best if your parents knew or a teacher or someone locally who could remove you from your situation. Please write back and let us know that you found help.

Give Us a Break on Football

Q: Football season has just started and I'm already sick of it. My boyfriend is sitting there right now watching Michael Vick and the Eagles beat some other team. Thursday night it was Green Bay and New Orleans. On Monday it's Miami and someone else. Give me a break! Michael Vick shouldn't even be allowed to play pro ball anymore after what he did, and he's just one reason why men and boys shouldn't dedicate their lives to watching football. How can I stop having football on my TV every Sunday until January?

Anne: Every year we get letters from women who want their husbands or boyfriends to stop watching football. It's not going to happen. Find something else to do with your time—go to the movies or take up a craft or read (I can recommend a couple of great authors to you J ). Trying to keep football off the air is like trying to stop the day from dawning.

Dee: Believe me, I love thinking about men and balls, but I'm tired of telling women how to use sex to distract their significant others from football. If Michael Vick is more intriguing to your boyfriend than you are, too damn bad. Take your vibrator to the bedroom and work off some of your resentment. Then either join your guy on the couch and cheer on his favorite teams or find something else to do. You should at least enjoy the commercials—no show on TV has better commercials than football. It's only for a few months so for God's sake, stop whining. And that goes for the rest of your football widows out there.

The Landlord Wants Too Much for Rent

Q: My landlord said he would forgive my rent each month if I would have sex with him oe night a month. I'm not a virgin or anything, and I'm a graduate student so I'm always strapped for cash. He's not a bad looking guy, and if I met him out somewhere I might even be interested. But there's something making me feel used in this situation. I can't afford to lose my apartment. What should I do?

Anne: Call the department in your city that handles fair business practices and turn him in. Someone at your school will know who to turn to. Do it!! If he made this proposition to you, he's made it to others. He needs to be stopped.

Dee: You know what? Follow Anne's advice. Then ask to meet him in a public place, say a local coffee shop. Then tell him that had he approached you there, and made conversation, he wouldn't have regretted it. Tell him that you find him attractive, and if only he had tried to meet you in a regular way, you would have fucked him all night for weeks on end without any demands on him. Tell him you would have sunk to the floor of the shop right then and there and sucked him off and given him head whenever he wanted it. Tell him if he had acted like a decent, normal human, interested in you instead of having power over you, your body would have burned for him. But instead, you’re screwing him in a different way. (This is why you meet in public.) Make sure you've got the goods against him and have dotted your "I's" before you tackle this. The bastard. Too bad you can't get near his balls with a vise grip.

Moving Yet Again

Hi, A Little Sisterly Advice readers,

Anne and I are on the road again, this time to the great Northwest. While we are in the process of moving, the computer may be down a whole month and a half (yikes!) and we will be out of touch.

As soon as we are back up and running we will post answers to the questions you send us--so please keep sending those questions! We will receive them as soon as we have e-mail contact.

Wish us well in the move and the new jobs. We will miss you!!

Please enjoy some questions and answers from the past nearly three years of posts by clicking in the archive folders.

Take care, and please keep checking back for us--
Anne and Dee

Overweight in Oklahoma

Q: My mother is always bugging me about my weight. I know I weigh more than I should but my boyfriend doesn't seem to care. We've been together for more than a year and he says he loves me no matter what. But my mom won't leave me alone. How can I tell her to lay off and not make her upset? We work together so a mad partner would be horrible to deal with every day.

Anne: Well, how much overweight are you? If your health is in danger then your mom is worried about that, I'm sure. If you're just a small number of pounds over and she thinks you don't look the way you did in high school, that's a different story. Get word from your doctor about your health and present those facts to your mom—unless your doctor agrees with your mom. Then maybe the time has come to listen and try to do something in your own best interests.

Dee: If sex is still fun, that's in your favor. However, if sex could be better without some of the flab, take it off, woman! Yeah, your man might love you no matter what—and it's great that he feels that way—but if sex starts to go because of a few pounds, he'll soon change his mind. Health, schmealth. It's how good the sex is that makes the determination of what you should do. I'm not sure exactly how you can explain that to your mom, though.

Pure Happiness

Q: My mother wants me to go on birth control pills. I'm fifteen and have not had sex. In addition, I have signed a chastity pact stating I won't have sex until I get married. I am a straight A student and haven't given my mother cause to worry. She thinks because she got pregnant before she finished high school that I will, too. How can I get her to trust me?

Sign me Happy to Be a Virgin

Anne: Wow. After all that she doesn't believe you won't have sex? If getting good grades, stating your intentions and not getting into trouble isn't enough, I'm not sure what is. Have your doctor talk to her and explain the disadvantages to taking the pill, especially if there's no need. Keep on getting on! You're a good example and an inspiration to other girls.

Maybe Dee can help you more since she did everything you aren't. Sister, dear!

Dee: I hardly know what to say, Virgin. It seems to me your mom should be ecstatic to have the only 15-year old virgin in the country. AND you make good grades, AND you signed a chastity pledge. Anne, you aren't trying to trick me, are you?

Okay, here's the deal. Pharmaceuticals are very valuable things—when they are needed. Your mom obviously wants you to have advantages she didn't have, but if you don't need the pill, you shouldn't be taking it. Maybe if you tell her that you promise—and this has to be a sworn, sacred vow—that if you do plan to engage in sex that you will then go to the doc and get the pill, maybe she'll give you a break.

The trouble is—and your mom knows this much better than you—sex happens even when it isn't planned. So do pregnancies. And no well-intentioned celibacy pacts will protect you from getting in the family way once you unintentionally cross that line in the back seat of Johnny's Ford Camaro (or whatever). Hope you're happy then.

Jerry or Hubby?

Q; All my girlfriend wants to do is watch TV. And she watches trash like Jerry Springer and Maury. She tapes it while we're at work and then wants to watch it at night. I can't stand to be around when that stuff is on but I can't pry her away from the set. Sex used to be great—from what I remember. Maybe I could put up with her TV shit if it made her horny but it seems to do the opposite. Any advice?

Anne: Have you told her about your feelings? I mean have you talked, not yelled or been sarcastic. There is some reason why your wife has turned to this kind of TV at night when the two of you could be together. Maybe you should seek counseling.

Dee: Have you tried stripping down and parading in front of the Mrs.? (Yes, I have also seen those shows and know how they work.) If that doesn't work, find some way to disable the VCR or the TV. Have cable taken out.

Hell, if nothing works, have the whole couch up taken out, with the wife on it. If she prefers Jerry to you, buy her a ticket to CT and wave bye-bye.

The Eggs of Easter

Q: This is embarrassing to talk about, but I need advice. My boyfriend gave me an egg for Easter. To tell the truth, I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. Help!!

Anne: Is it a colored egg? We always used to eat them… Or is it one of those blown out, decorative eggs? They're pretty. If it falls outside those realms. I don't know, either.

Dee: Lucky you! The last egg I got from Adam and Eve sends me into orbit after only a few seconds of use. So here are a few suggestions. If it's remote controlled, plan an evening out. Dress up. Insert the egg, right about at your G-spot and make sure you hold it there—maybe with a thong if you wear them or by keeping your thighs tight, which actually increases the pleasure. Then present your boyfriend with the controller. Believe me, he will surprise you lots during your evening. and at the most delicious times. You will get a thrill and so will he, watching your reaction.

Or let him have control while you're in bed. Let him tease your pussy and clit. I'll bet that when you're good and wet he'll finish the job of bringing you to orgasm himself.

Last, the egg is great for those horny moments alone. Use your wildest fantasy and touch the vibrating egg to your clit. In no time at all you'll be smiling. The egg is one of my very favorite sex toys! Hope you enjoy yours as much.

Anne: Good heavens!

My SIster is Having Sex

Q: I know my little sister is having sex. She's only 15. From the perspective of five years, I know what she's doing can ruin her life. She knows that I started having sex early, so what can I say or do now to steer her away from what she's doing?

Anne: Try explaining to her that now you regret your activities when you were a teen and tell her why. It's hard because in this day being pregnant as a teen doesn't carry the stigma it did in my youth, but even without the shame of being an unwed mother, having a child can completely change your life. The bigger worry to me is the chance of contracting aids, though, or some STD. Take her to a public health clinic and talk to a nurse who knows the stats regarding the age where aids presents itself—that will show that it's most often contracted in the younger years.

Dee: You are the voice of experience. Define to yourself why you wish you hadn't screwed around as a teen and then explain that to her. Don't preach. Be straightforward in why you think having sex early is bad—give firm, actual examples. Don't preach. Tell her that no matter how responsible she thinks she's being, no one at her age is really responsible—they give into emotion and pressure. One moment can change everything for her. Talk about what she wants in her future and how random sex can affect that. But don't preach.

A Night of Slumming

Q: I realize this is going to make me sound like a shallow, insensitive person, but I'm embarrassed to be dating the man I am currently seeing. I'm a very, very high-profile, successful woman. If I told you where I live you would probably guess who I am, in fact. About three months ago I met a man in a bar I frequent when I'm feeling slummy. I usually find someone there to shack up with in a nearby no-tell motel for a night of hot sex. That night the man I met intrigued me from the very beginning. His humor, his good looks, his sexy smile swept me off my feet and I couldn't wait to get him naked and pounding into me—which happened less than 2 hours after our first double shot of Jim Beam. Thing is, one night with him hasn't been enough. Hell, all night fuck fests on 78 different occasions hasn't been enough. I can't get my fill of this guy. We always meet in a place I'm sure no one I know would be caught dead, and I sense he's getting a little tired of being hidden away. Here's my problem: he cleans out septic systems for a living. As soon as he starts speaking it's obvious he has little education—though he's very intelligent, in an earthy, practical kind of way. I like him, God knows I love his body and what the man does with his dick, but I can't see him in the normal way a man a woman date. I can't possibly bring him into the light of day. That might sound snobbish, but I can't help it. How can I keep him and still maintain my self respect?

Anne: Tell him exactly what you just told us and see if he agrees to be your boy toy. Don't be surprised if he tells you to fuc… uh, take a long walk off a short pier. I would.

Dee: Jeez, you have a real problem. Now, where is this bar you go? And I mean exact directions.

As far as how you keep this God of Fucking, I don't think you do. Send me exact directions to him, too.

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Giving Thanks Without the Family

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. He's funny. smart and successful. All my friends tell me how cute he is and the sex is great. The thing is, three years of dating for an adult is a long time. He's not only never talked about marriage or any serious commitment. he's never even taken me home to meet his family. Not for anything—birthdays, weddings, holidays, nothing. We meet up with his friends and mine to do things but don't you think it's strange that he wouldn't invite me to anything where his family is involved? They live less than 40 miles away, and even if his parents come into town for dinner or his brother comes for a ballgame, it's always without me. Do you think that means anything? The latest "miss" was last week. He went to his folks' for Thanksgiving and I stayed here in town for the holiday alone.

Anne: It definitely sounds as though he's not ready for a commitment. You have to make up your mind if going along as you are is a deal breaker or not. If you're ready to settle down and want much more, you need to tell him straight out and see what he says. If he still indicates he's not ready, maybe you need to free yourself to look for someone who is.

Dee: You can stick a fork in him, but he's not ready. Stop screwing this turkey and find someone new to gobble.

Where Do I Start?

Q: What’s the best way for me to learn about sex and how to do it? I don’t want to look stupid.

Anne: How old are you??? I have a feeling you’re young enough that I should ask if you listen in health class, but that’s actually pretty darn young these days. I’d rather not offer advice on this topic unless I know I’m not talking to a 10-year-old.

Dee: Well, it’s sad but true that most 10-year-old kids today know more about sex than I did at 16. That’s not to say I didn’t make up for things at a later time. However, no matter how old you are if you’re interested enough to ask the question you deserve an answer of some sort. Talk to you parents (or one of them) if you feel you can. Talk to a teacher or other adult you trust. Do not ask your friends, who are just as ignorant as you on the topic. If you are considering jumping into the hot tub of sex, make sure you know that the water can be pretty damn hot and not fun or nice. Make sure you know how to be safe, first and foremost. Make sure you’re ready, which frankly, if you’re writing us the kind of question you did, you aren’t. I hope you step back and decide to be a kid for a while longer.