Resolutions? Bah! Hum bug!

Q: I hate resolutions yet every year I make them. Are there tips I can use to keep them?

Anne: Instead of making several resolutions, make only one or two you feel a real commitment to. That's commitment, not a passing interest. Choose something you passionately want to do. Ask for help to keep the resolution if you need it—maybe ask a friend to run with you if getting more exercise is your goal, or something like that. If you don't keep the resolution anyway, don't beat yourself up, but do take responsibility and own up to it.

Dee: Good grief, I never make resolutions. But if I did, here's the one I would make. I try to do it now: Resolve to live each day and each moment as though it was the most special time in your life—because it is.

Happy New Year, and fuck the resolutions!

The Happiest of New Year!

Wishing you a happy and blessed New Year.

Yes, we know it's actually Jan 2, but we're taking an extra day. Please come back next week!

Love,
Dee and Anne

Merry Christmas - Happy New Year!

Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays and a safe and blessed New Year!!

We will be back in 2012--good heavens, where did 2011 go?

With much love,
Dee and Anne

Christmas Gifts to the Boyfriend's Mother

Q: My boyfriend's mother has given me a Christmas present for each of the three years we've been dating. I never know what to get her in return. I'm in my senior year of college and don't have a lot of money, but I hate not to reciprocate in some way. Any ideas?

Anne: If she's a real lady, she will appreciate most anything you give her. Does she have a favorite flower? You can often find reasonable prices on flowers. I gave my boyfriend's mother beautiful paperweights or small pewter figures. Ask your boyfriend what she likes.

Dee: Give her the gift she really wants, which is to be nice to her son, respectful to her and not to get preggo before any possible marriage. Dust collectors are nice and required now and then, but keep the main gifts in mind, girlie.

Holiay Weight Gain

Q: Every single year I am surrounded by baked goods and other yummies during the holidays. And every year I gain weight. What can I do to avoid nibbling on all this food?

Anne: Make a formal request that food be brought to a central place—maybe the break room—instead of having them everywhere, then limit how often you go into the break room. Make a formal request that healthy food be part of the mix. Munching on carrots or fruit is much better for you than baked goods and you still feel that you're enjoying snacks. Make a formal request that bringing in food be limited to one or two days a week. There are other suggestions, but try these and see if you get results.

Dee: Look, the holidays come once a year. Indulge! Exercise and restrict your diet during the other 40-45 weeks of the year. If you're looking for other ways you can snack and keep down your waistline, find new methods to burn calorie. Do you know that you can burn up to 321 calories by engaging in 15 minutes of foreplay and 35 minutes of fucking? A 1-inch brownie has less than 38 calories; a 1-inch chocolate chip cookie has fewer than 70 calories. So give me a break. Eat!

Happy Thanksgiving

Anne and I hope each of you is enjoying a wonderful, safe, blessed holiday with your family, friends and other loved ones--as we are. See you right back here next week.

Thanksgiving Traditions

Q: My husband insists that I make Thanksgiving dinner exactly as his mother always did when he was growing up. That means only turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, that Campbell's green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert. For twenty-two years I've humored him because we always hosted the family holidays and it seemed so damn important. But this year we are by ourselves. I don't see the need of preparing all that food for just the two of us. Plus, for all of those years, he played host while I managed all the kitchen chores—preparation, cooking and roasting and baking, and clean-up, with help from the other women in the family. I have been looking forward to the years when I could enjoy the holidays as much as he always seems to, and this is it. However, again he's insisting that we have the full-court meal. We can freeze leftovers, he says, and besides, it's "tradition." I'd like to tradition him. How can I convince him I can be very thankful not to have to prepare the meal this year?

Anne: Give him this letter you just sent us. Maybe it will open his eyes. Out of curiosity, what are the rest of the family doing this year? Maybe you can join them?

Dee: Thanksgiving is about more than the fucking turkey. Tell him he can all he wants of whatever traditional meal by taking you to Picadilly Cafeteria (or restaurant of your choice). Then you'll both enjoy the dinner.

The Eggs of Easter

Q: This is embarrassing to talk about, but I need advice. My boyfriend gave me an egg for Easter. To tell the truth, I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. Help!!

Anne: Is it a colored egg? We always used to eat them… Or is it one of those blown out, decorative eggs? They're pretty. If it falls outside those realms. I don't know, either.

Dee: Lucky you! The last egg I got from Adam and Eve sends me into orbit after only a few seconds of use. So here are a few suggestions. If it's remote controlled, plan an evening out. Dress up. Insert the egg, right about at your G-spot and make sure you hold it there—maybe with a thong if you wear them or by keeping your thighs tight, which actually increases the pleasure. Then present your boyfriend with the controller. Believe me, he will surprise you lots during your evening. and at the most delicious times. You will get a thrill and so will he, watching your reaction.

Or let him have control while you're in bed. Let him tease your pussy and clit. I'll bet that when you're good and wet he'll finish the job of bringing you to orgasm himself.

Last, the egg is great for those horny moments alone. Use your wildest fantasy and touch the vibrating egg to your clit. In no time at all you'll be smiling. The egg is one of my very favorite sex toys! Hope you enjoy yours as much.

Anne: Good heavens!

Giving Thanks Without the Family

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. He's funny. smart and successful. All my friends tell me how cute he is and the sex is great. The thing is, three years of dating for an adult is a long time. He's not only never talked about marriage or any serious commitment. he's never even taken me home to meet his family. Not for anything—birthdays, weddings, holidays, nothing. We meet up with his friends and mine to do things but don't you think it's strange that he wouldn't invite me to anything where his family is involved? They live less than 40 miles away, and even if his parents come into town for dinner or his brother comes for a ballgame, it's always without me. Do you think that means anything? The latest "miss" was last week. He went to his folks' for Thanksgiving and I stayed here in town for the holiday alone.

Anne: It definitely sounds as though he's not ready for a commitment. You have to make up your mind if going along as you are is a deal breaker or not. If you're ready to settle down and want much more, you need to tell him straight out and see what he says. If he still indicates he's not ready, maybe you need to free yourself to look for someone who is.

Dee: You can stick a fork in him, but he's not ready. Stop screwing this turkey and find someone new to gobble.

Halloween Habit

Q: I like dressing up and going out, and Halloween is a big deal for me. Every year I try to outdo the previous year's costume. It just so happens that each year the fabric in my costume covers less and less of me. Actually, I like looking slutty now and then, and again, what better time than Halloween? My boyfriend of eight months (meaning he didn't know me last Halloween) says I look like I want to fuck all night, with whoever's available at the party. I say he's dressing like a pirate and looks hotter than Johnny Depp, so who's trying to attract attention? I think he'd be happy if I dressed as an Arab woman and wore a burkha. I can't convince him that the only guy I plan to screw Halloween night is him—and that light is dimming with each of his criticisms. What should I do, give in or be myself?

Anne: Be yourself, always. Once he sees you're not out to score with the guys at the party, he will understand.

Dee: Wear a burkha to make him happy and tell every guy you meet that you're not wearing anything under it. See if that makes him any happier. And who knows? Maybe someone will be willing to sneak under the robe and give you a little tickle. That would be fun...

Someone who wants to cheat will find a way to do it regardless of what they're wearing. Whether or not you later spend the night with him screwing like rabbits is up to you. Frankly, I might try finding someone willing to take you as you are—a once-a-year slut with good intentions.

Enjoying the Fruit of Our Labor on Labor Day

Hello all,

Anne and I are taking a short break, enjoying a long weekend. Hope your parades, cook outs and swim parties are filled with fun, family and love.

Dee

4th of July "Fireworks"

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. He's a lot of fun, very smart and the sex is great. We had plans to attend a 4th of July concert and last week Mark said he wanted to have sex in public, at the concert. Now this is in our city's park. It will be jammed with people listening to music and watching fireworks over the lake. I told him I thought he was crazy. but he's serious. He said he was getting a little bored – who knew that?? – and needed this to put a bit of excitement in our relationship. I thought everything was just fine and I'm very uncomfortable. When I protested, he went home mad, and now I'm not sure what to do. I think he means this as a deal breaker after two years.

Anne: When it comes to sex you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Ask him why he thinks the sex has gone stale and try to fix it—if you stil want to be with Mark—but don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

Dee: To paraphrase Anne, don't do anything that can get you landed in jail. Public sex is a legal problem. And yeah, its' true that if you feel dead set against public sex, don't do it. If that means no more Mark, so be it.

However, I understand his request. Fucking in public—and I mean fucking, not making love—is a pretty heady thing (no pun intended) to do in situations where you can be caught. It adds a sense of urgency, passion and danger that increases the tension exponentially. Pull a blanket over you and start with a little fingering. Fondling and touching, skin to skin, is a thrill with someone else a few feet away. I wouldn't recommend doing this right down in the front row, but find a fairly quiet place in back. Then try going all the way in such a way as not to be too obvious (remember the slammer could await). You might be surprised at the fireworks it sets off in your pussy.

Is This the Year?

Q: Every year I hope for a marriage proposal on New Year's Eve, and for four years I've been disappointed. This past summer I broke off with my boyfriend after five years of dating. Last week he asked me to a party on Dec 31 but I've already accepted an invitation with someone else. My old boyfriend says he has something important to ask me, and now I think he really means to pop the question. Should I break my date and take another chance on him, or move on? I'm 31 and want a chance for happiness and a family, but I can't help it, I love this schmuck.

Anne: This close to New Year's Eve, it wouldn't be very fair to your current date to cancel. Besides, your old boyfriend doesn't exactly have a very good track record. Isn't last week a little late to ask you? Explain that you already have a date for the big night, but that you'd be happy to see him on New Year's Day and he can ask you the question then.

Dee: It seems to me the guy is either shocked by your break up and has finally seen the light, or he wants to push the envelope and see how tied to him you really are. I have the feeling it's the latter, which means nothing but bad things. If he really had feelings for you he'd ask you to marry him now, without waiting for the 31st. That way he would be assured you'd be his date for the beginning of the new year. Do not break your date. Your old boyfriend is playing games and you deserve better. (I assume.)

Those Pesky Little People to Buy For

Q: What do I give those people I associate with but hardly know for Christmas? This is a problem every year.

Anne: It depends on how much you want to spend and how personal you'd like the gift to be. Flowers, candy, gift cards to stores or restaurants--even fast food restaurants. I know of someone who buys $1 lottery tickets and that's what she gives in a nice card. Most stores have "Under $10…Under $15…Under $25" gift sections, so shop there. I always find it's a good idea to have some of those gifts on hand for that last minute guest who surprises you with a gift.

Dee: I always find it's a good idea to have some of those gifts on hand for that last minute guest who surprises you with a gift. If they surprise you, then too bad for them. A heartfelt, "Fuck! I thought we weren't exchanging gifts this year," should be sufficient. And to my way of thinking, if you hardly know someone you shouldn't have to give them anything. Isn't that why the holiday has gone to hell in a hand basket?? I swear, the same people who complain Christmas has become too commercial are the very ones who rush out to make sure the mailman or their beautician or the newspaper boy gets a gift. As for me, bah, humbug to all those people.

Unless you have a fruitcake you're trying to pawn off, be pleasant, smile, make each day a good one for those you interact with and forget trying to be nice on that one special day a year. That way, every day will be more like Christmas.

Holiday Stress

Q: Any ideas on how to minimize stress during the holiday season? Each year I get more and more hyper, starting with the shopping rush the day after Thanksgiving to the point I practically crash after New Year's.

Anne: Plan more special family and friend times where you can be casual and unhurried. Then determine that you will remain casual and unhurried. Agree to fewer gifts. Shop during the year for inexpensive present you might give teachers, mailmen, etc. so they will be ready far in advance. Cook ahead early in the fall and freeze some of the food you would normally prepare during the season. Anything you buy ahead, wrap ahead, too. (Be sure to label so you don't have to unwrap to discover what the gift is. I'm speaking from experience here.)

Dee: You know what I'm going to suggest as a stress reliever. Sex every day, maybe more than once a day. Screwing will not only relieve stress, it'll help keep those pesky holiday pounds off. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a good fuck.

I say look for sales and give everyone that same item. Boxes of fruit, socks, cases of motor oil--whatever. Everyone needs one of those things at some point. A lot of places online will wrap and send an item so you don't even have to deal with it personally. I like those. Or on a more serious note, gift cards are easy to buy, easy to give and appreciated. What I will say is don't try to give something time-consuming after July. For instance, don't try to knit a sweater for your sister in November. Talk about stress… Anne, I hope you'll like your gift card to Denny's.

In-laws Thanksgiving...Again

Q: Oh goody, another Thanksgiving at my in-laws. My wife is the only girl in a family of five boys, so we get roped into spending the holiday there every year so she can help her mom. We live a mere hundred miles away, but the brothers all live closer by more than half the distance. Mind you, the daughters-in-law (there are four of them) don't have to show up every year, or go early to help prepare. By the end of the day, my wife is frazzled, exhausted and cranky. You know what that means: no sex for me that night, something for which I'd be very grateful. Her mom goes crazy over family holidays, so my wife can't find a way to tell her mom she doesn't want to keep on doing this. I'm just sick and tired of having my Thanksgiving being the only thing getting fucked. What's a man to do?

Anne: Gosh, seems like every year we have several letters about holidays and families. Your problem is not uncommon. Try talking to your father-in-law and see if he's any help. Or talk to your mother-in-law if you have good rapport with her. Invite everyone to your house one year, or suggest a family holiday but at a good restaurant. A lot of places prepare holiday dinners to pick up. Suggest you bring in dinner, which will greatly minimize the prep time, leaving your wife with more energy for bedtime pleasures.

Dee: May I ask, what the hell is wrong with you doing something to alleviate the problem? If your wife really doesn't want to keep being cook and chief bottle washer but she doesn't want to disappoint her mom, grow a pair and take matters into your own hands. Make vacation reservations somewhere and let the family know that there will be two fewer at the table next Thanksgiving. Your wife shouldn't be the bad cop here--this is her mother. Be an alpha guy and take charge. Treat her and yourself at the same time.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Family Time

Q: Aren't holidays supposed to be for everyone in the family? Well, my wife wants to spend every fucking one with her parents at their "country place," which is really just a cabin on some piss-ant lake in northwest Minnesota. It takes us four hours to drive up if we get out of the cities early and usually more than 6 hours to drive home since every fucking person in Minnesota drives back from long weekends at the same time. I can't tell you the number of games I've missed the ends of, or the number of hours I've had to spend in the car with her yapping and the fucking kids arguing. Her dad goes along with the arrangement because he's a fucking whipped pussy.

I've told my wife and told her that I don't want to do this, but does she fucking listen?? What can I do that will make my point in a way she understands?

Anne: Just don't go. Give her the keys and tell her to have fun. I somehow think she will.

Dee: Your father-in-law is a whipped pussy??? I hate to tell you, guy, but you're writing two women for advice on how to tell handle your wife. You can't get more whipped than that.

And for the record, the only person who gets to use "fucking" around here is me, got it? the next time you write for advice, be polite…or I'll sic your wife on you.

Push-ups Belong in the Army, Not a Bra

Q: My birthday was in January, our anniversary was in March and now there's Mother's Day. For all three celebrations, my husband bought me sexy lingerie--a shorty, see-through nightgown for my birthday, a set of thongs with the days of the week embroidered on them and a satin push-up bra. Of course he wants me to model them and then have wild monkey sex. Truth is, after four kids, stretch marks and left-over baby fat, I don't feel sexy in general and even less so in these slinky, wet-dream little pieces of fabric. I'd rather have a babysitter for a day to myself as a gift--away from the kids and from him and his demands. How can I tell him that?

Anne: There's no good way to tell a man his gifts aren't all you've longed for, sorry. But why don't you suggest leaving the kids with a family member for a weekend and go away with him and the slinky stuff? Maybe you'd feel different about his attentions if you were far away from your other worries. Otherwise, you either have to sit him down and be straight about the gifts or keep on accepting them.

Dee: Anne, I'm surprised! I don't think that's the advice you gave a previous writer with a similar problem. I'm glad to see you've come around to my way of thinking.

Okay, you say you're overweight and unattractive, at least to yourself. Your guy doesn't sound like he cares--he sounds like he still lusts after you. If he's giving you sexy clothing to put you in the mood, it indicates to me that you're not conducive to a romp in the hay all that often without the hint. That's more the problem than the lingerie, to my mind. I'm not saying you have to be ready and willing to jump every time he says he wants a little, but even men like to be needed and wanted in that "special way." Find time for the two of you. Have wild monkey sex now and then without his having to ask for it. Sounds like he still appreciates you in the bedroom--hopefully that carries over to the rest of your life together--so don't snub it. Otherwise, he might take that appreciation to someone who appreciates him back.

PS--If the only place he seems to know you're alive is in the bedroom, that's a whole different problem. Write back so we can give you some ball-busting hints. You should appreciate his appreciation, but you're not just a sex object. Know what I mean?

Mama's Boy on Mama's Day

Q: My boyfriend of three years wants us to spend Mother's Day weekend with his mom. He's the baby in the family and the only boy and his mother spoils him horribly so he always wants to go there for holidays. I'd prefer to see my mother, whom we almost never visit together. The difference? At his mother's we can't share a room. Honest to Pete, we're in our late 20s and have been together for years and she still doesn't think we sleep together? My mom thinks by this time we should be married but at least she's aware of how life is. Should I put my foot down?

Anne: I suppose if I was your mother I might wonder what the hold up is on the marriage, too, but that's your business. Forget the sleeping together thing, the real question is why are you always going to his family's house together and not yours? To me, this shows a real problem in the relationship between your boyfriend and your family. Is there friction? If not, I don't understand why he wouldn't agree to split holidays. Is this how he will be if and when you do marry? That's something to think about. Until then, yes, say something to him about the disparity. And if you're in his mom's house and she says separate beds, her wishes should be respected.

Dee: You mean if you go to your mom's house you can do the dirty but you can't if you go to his mom's? And your boyfriend still wants to visit his mother? Dump this mama's boy before it's too late. Spoiled ain't the half of it--he's coddled and he loves it. If you stay with him be prepared never to see your family and to make his life just as wonderful as his mother does. Good luck on both counts.

To Easter Bunny or Not To Easter Bunny?

Q: I had to write immediately because I’m so steamed. My husband, four-year-old son and I went to my mother-in-law’s for Easter dinner. This is the first holiday we’ve shared with them because we’ve been overseas since before our son was born. While there, my sister-in-law’s twelve-year-old told my son that there is no Easter Bunny. My son said yes there was—he’d just received a basket of goodies that morning, whereupon my nephew told my little boy that his parents are liars. He taunted my child until he cried uncontrollably and we had to leave. My sister-in-law refused to discipline her kid, and worse, after we finally calmed our little guy down enough to nap—with his big, furry stuffed Easter Bunny he just got today—my husband admitted he wasn’t upset.

He said when he was growing up his parents didn’t lie to him and his sister about fictional creatures like Santa or the Easter Bunny. He said he’s only been humoring me because he knew it was important to me, but now that the facts are out in the open it won’t hurt. I understand the religious significance of the day, but see no harm in a little fantasy. I’m furious, both over the incident and with my husband’s attitude. I don’t even want our son around his family, now.

Anne: Well, sorry, but you can’t very well keep your child away from his grandparents and other relatives. But I would explain to them that this is your son, and they need to respect your methods of raising him. It’s a shame this happened, but children have short memories. I’ll bet next year he’ll be looking for that basket again, oblivious to this morning’s trauma. Dee looked for baskets until she was well into her teens…

Dee: Yes, I still look for baskets at Easter. But it all started when a certain twin stole my baskets when we were children. I therefore became deprived. It was but a short leap to depraved, and I became the erotic romance writer I am today.

Now for my advice. Screw your sister-in-law and the horse she rode in on. If she doesn’t want child-rearing advice from you, she’d better respect your methods—and that includes explaining to her kid how to behave around a young child. Any twelve-year –old who taunts a four-year-old needs to be knocked upside the head to begin with, in my opinion, and I’ve got a 2x4 handy.

Now excuse me while I go find my missing Peeps.