Birthday in Buffalo

Q: Last year I gave my girlfriend a sexy nightgown for her birthday and received a lecture on how I buy things for me instead of for her, whatever that means. Women's logic makes no sense to me. Anyway, she didn't wear the nightgown for a good long time but when she did, she was smokin' and we had the greatest sex we'd had in months. I want that again, so I found another, tiny little scrap of a nightgown and bought it, even though it set me back a week's salary. The thing is, I don't want another lecture or any more backward philosophy about how I don't care about her wants and needs. I satisfied her needs pretty damn well when she finally gave in and wore what I gave her. Any advice?

Anne: First off, what your girlfriend meant was that you bought the nightgown because you wanted to see her in it, not because you thought she would like to wear it. Women want a man to think of them and their wants and needs, not the man's. Maybe she would like something not quite so sexy, something she would be comfortable in, not just sexy in. Buying something that suits her desires shows you're thinking of her and not just yourself. Even if you did have a good night when she wore the gown, she still knows your mind focused on what you wanted to see her wearing, not what she wanted to wear. It's a fine distinction, but if you put your mind to it I'm sure you will understand.

I wish you hadn't already bought the nightgown this year--which, by the way means you didn't listen very well last year--but since you have, I'd say combine it with something else, something you know she wants. Maybe jewelry or flowers or a special perfume she has mentioned? Next year, perhaps you should ask her for suggestions. Let her buy the sexy gown to surprise you on your birthday.

Dee: Yeah, you should try to give her something she wants and not just what you want. But you want sex and if she's still with you, so does she. I'd say kick it up a notch, but not as a birthday gift, as an adjunct gift. Start off with some mind-blowing foreplay and then present her with the gown.

For that mind-blowing foreplay, take a look at Adam and Eve for a few suggestions. Try an egg vibrator--small but powerful. Or a G-spot stimulator--sure to bring pleasure. Or how about a finger vibrator? That way you're a part of the action. Once you have her interest, present her with the nightie to enhance what you've already started. The problem last year is, you wanted her to wear the nightgown as your foreplay, and she wants more than your cock growing hard, she wants some excitement, too.


Or maybe give her a nightgown as part of a romantic weekend away, like at Sybaris or someplace near you that specializes in dark corners and quiet rooms. The trick here is combining the sex with romance.

True, it's better to give the birthday person something they want. But flowers die, candy is cliché, and jewelry should be saved for when you really need to make-up. A finger vibrator lasts a long time past the birthday and it's a team sport. When she kicks your sorry ass out, it's the gift that keeps on giving when she's alone, too. What more can a woman ask for?

Push-ups Belong in the Army, Not a Bra

Q: My birthday was in January, our anniversary was in March and now there's Mother's Day. For all three celebrations, my husband bought me sexy lingerie--a shorty, see-through nightgown for my birthday, a set of thongs with the days of the week embroidered on them and a satin push-up bra. Of course he wants me to model them and then have wild monkey sex. Truth is, after four kids, stretch marks and left-over baby fat, I don't feel sexy in general and even less so in these slinky, wet-dream little pieces of fabric. I'd rather have a babysitter for a day to myself as a gift--away from the kids and from him and his demands. How can I tell him that?

Anne: There's no good way to tell a man his gifts aren't all you've longed for, sorry. But why don't you suggest leaving the kids with a family member for a weekend and go away with him and the slinky stuff? Maybe you'd feel different about his attentions if you were far away from your other worries. Otherwise, you either have to sit him down and be straight about the gifts or keep on accepting them.

Dee: Anne, I'm surprised! I don't think that's the advice you gave a previous writer with a similar problem. I'm glad to see you've come around to my way of thinking.

Okay, you say you're overweight and unattractive, at least to yourself. Your guy doesn't sound like he cares--he sounds like he still lusts after you. If he's giving you sexy clothing to put you in the mood, it indicates to me that you're not conducive to a romp in the hay all that often without the hint. That's more the problem than the lingerie, to my mind. I'm not saying you have to be ready and willing to jump every time he says he wants a little, but even men like to be needed and wanted in that "special way." Find time for the two of you. Have wild monkey sex now and then without his having to ask for it. Sounds like he still appreciates you in the bedroom--hopefully that carries over to the rest of your life together--so don't snub it. Otherwise, he might take that appreciation to someone who appreciates him back.

PS--If the only place he seems to know you're alive is in the bedroom, that's a whole different problem. Write back so we can give you some ball-busting hints. You should appreciate his appreciation, but you're not just a sex object. Know what I mean?