Vibrators 101

Q: What's the difference in vibrators? Are the biggest ones the best?

Anne: Having never used a vibrator, I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm sure there are sites online that will describe the various models.

Dee: Unlike Sis, I've used many different vibrators. The biggest is not necessarily the best, I can tell you that. Make sure you find a size and style that suits you. The largest unit might hurt or not fit comfortably unless you lubricate it well. Wherever you buy the unit will also sell lube, so don't forget it. Also remember to buy something specifically designed to clean your unit—different styles use different cleaners.

You'll get lots of information from my favorite sex toy site, Adam and Eve. Right now they're featuring a G-spot vibrator, and they offer a picture explanation of where the G-spot is. But they also sell large and smaller vibrators with a skin-like covering, glass units that can be chilled and warmed before use (chilling gives a whole new exciting sensation), eggs that vibrate (all I can say is, wow!), and rabbit styles, some made of gel that I don't particularly find comfortable, but they also feature an additional appendage that vibrates the clitoris while the main part stimulates the vagina. Pussy and clit stimulation together can't be beat!

But, it all comes down to what you find comfortable. Browse Adam and Eve and other sites, read the reviews, and then pick something to try. There is no right or wrong unless what you try doesn't feel good.

The Eggs of Easter

Q: This is embarrassing to talk about, but I need advice. My boyfriend gave me an egg for Easter. To tell the truth, I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. Help!!

Anne: Is it a colored egg? We always used to eat them… Or is it one of those blown out, decorative eggs? They're pretty. If it falls outside those realms. I don't know, either.

Dee: Lucky you! The last egg I got from Adam and Eve sends me into orbit after only a few seconds of use. So here are a few suggestions. If it's remote controlled, plan an evening out. Dress up. Insert the egg, right about at your G-spot and make sure you hold it there—maybe with a thong if you wear them or by keeping your thighs tight, which actually increases the pleasure. Then present your boyfriend with the controller. Believe me, he will surprise you lots during your evening. and at the most delicious times. You will get a thrill and so will he, watching your reaction.

Or let him have control while you're in bed. Let him tease your pussy and clit. I'll bet that when you're good and wet he'll finish the job of bringing you to orgasm himself.

Last, the egg is great for those horny moments alone. Use your wildest fantasy and touch the vibrating egg to your clit. In no time at all you'll be smiling. The egg is one of my very favorite sex toys! Hope you enjoy yours as much.

Anne: Good heavens!

Sex Toys with Discretion?

Q: I want to surprise my husband with something new and different. There is a sex toy store next to a truck stop on the edge of town, but I'm afraid to go in there. What is someone sees me? I know I can order online, but I'd like to see whatever I buy in person. I know next to nothing. Discretion is really important…I'm the Methodist minister's wife.

Anne: I understand your need for discretion, so I would advise not going to the store. You never know who's watching. Take a good look online. Read the reviews and comments. I think some of them also have a place where you can write and ask questions, so you might want to use that. If it's too hard, maybe you should plan to go away for a few days instead of trying to buy something?

Dee: Congratulations on wanting to add some spice to your marriage. If more people did that, fewer marriages would fail.

This is what you do: check out adamandeve.com or one of the other sex toy sites. Then Google the toy that interests you and see if your questions are answered. Start with something simple that would interest you both--maybe a dildo or an egg with a remote control. Read reviews/comments. Call the store near you if you don't want to go there. I'm sure they will be glad to answer questions.

If you do find a day or two to get away, try to make it someplace special and romantic like Sybaris, or a nice B&B.

Good luck!

Birthday in Buffalo

Q: Last year I gave my girlfriend a sexy nightgown for her birthday and received a lecture on how I buy things for me instead of for her, whatever that means. Women's logic makes no sense to me. Anyway, she didn't wear the nightgown for a good long time but when she did, she was smokin' and we had the greatest sex we'd had in months. I want that again, so I found another, tiny little scrap of a nightgown and bought it, even though it set me back a week's salary. The thing is, I don't want another lecture or any more backward philosophy about how I don't care about her wants and needs. I satisfied her needs pretty damn well when she finally gave in and wore what I gave her. Any advice?

Anne: First off, what your girlfriend meant was that you bought the nightgown because you wanted to see her in it, not because you thought she would like to wear it. Women want a man to think of them and their wants and needs, not the man's. Maybe she would like something not quite so sexy, something she would be comfortable in, not just sexy in. Buying something that suits her desires shows you're thinking of her and not just yourself. Even if you did have a good night when she wore the gown, she still knows your mind focused on what you wanted to see her wearing, not what she wanted to wear. It's a fine distinction, but if you put your mind to it I'm sure you will understand.

I wish you hadn't already bought the nightgown this year--which, by the way means you didn't listen very well last year--but since you have, I'd say combine it with something else, something you know she wants. Maybe jewelry or flowers or a special perfume she has mentioned? Next year, perhaps you should ask her for suggestions. Let her buy the sexy gown to surprise you on your birthday.

Dee: Yeah, you should try to give her something she wants and not just what you want. But you want sex and if she's still with you, so does she. I'd say kick it up a notch, but not as a birthday gift, as an adjunct gift. Start off with some mind-blowing foreplay and then present her with the gown.

For that mind-blowing foreplay, take a look at Adam and Eve for a few suggestions. Try an egg vibrator--small but powerful. Or a G-spot stimulator--sure to bring pleasure. Or how about a finger vibrator? That way you're a part of the action. Once you have her interest, present her with the nightie to enhance what you've already started. The problem last year is, you wanted her to wear the nightgown as your foreplay, and she wants more than your cock growing hard, she wants some excitement, too.


Or maybe give her a nightgown as part of a romantic weekend away, like at Sybaris or someplace near you that specializes in dark corners and quiet rooms. The trick here is combining the sex with romance.

True, it's better to give the birthday person something they want. But flowers die, candy is cliché, and jewelry should be saved for when you really need to make-up. A finger vibrator lasts a long time past the birthday and it's a team sport. When she kicks your sorry ass out, it's the gift that keeps on giving when she's alone, too. What more can a woman ask for?

Hasseled in Hampton

Q: I am an office manager and my boss is driving me crazy. Not only is he a controlling, stubborn jerk, he keeps finding ways to touch me or get me alone. Some of his comments to me are far from professional. In fact, some of them are down right dirty. Yesterday I found a pair of crotch-less panties in my top desk drawer. At mid-day he invited me out for "a tasty bite to eat." I just know he's the one with the Frederick's of Hollywood taste, but he's always careful not to say or do anything in front of others.

We're a fairly small, privately owned company with no actual HR department. In this economy, I can't afford to quit, yet I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to stay. What should I do?

Anne: Your state has an agency that handles sexual harassment issues. Call them or find an attorney who will represent you should you decide to take him to court. No one should have to put up with that kind of pressure, to select to be harassed or be out of work. Get relief from the state or sue the idiot. Make sure you talk to someone about what kind of proof or evidence you need so when you make a move you're successful. Good luck!

Dee: Perhaps you could try the dirty route. Agree to meet him. Wear the undies and let him feast. Just because he's a pig, who knows? Maybe he has a real talent in that arena. No reason to pass up a good orgasm. Then offer to return the favor. While he's naked and at his most vulnerable, whip out your cell phone and take a picture that you promise to make into a YouTube video and plaster all over the Internet if he doesn’t shape up--or if he fires you. Take his little short hairs in your fist and explain just how you feel about his attitude. Give his wanker a twist and then leave. By all means, burn the panties.

If that doesn't work, then I guess you could try Anne's wussy approach and see a lawyer or file a complaint. Frankly I'd rather lick someone in my own way. (Which is a truly delightful way, if I say so myself.)

The Undies Drawer

Q: This may be a stupid question but Clinton was once asked "Boxers or briefs?" I want to buy my boyfriend some special underwear for his birthday (I intend to embroider a personal message on them) and don't know which to buy--what he already wears or something different. What are your opinions of men's underwear?

Anne: I have to say, I always thought men's underwear should be purchased by a man's wife, not his girlfriend, but I know I'm behind the times. My opinion is to buy him what he already wears. Obviously he's comfortable in them. (By the way, didn't your mother ever tell you the old "A man won't buy a cow if he gets the milk for free" story??)

Dee: Why should it always be women getting the totally stupid, weird sexy lingerie as gifts? I say buy the skimpiest, sexiest piece of underwear ever and then insist he parade around the bedroom in it. If he stuffs it toward the back of his undies drawer, whine and complain about how you buy him nice things and he never wears them. In other words, act like a man.

Back when Anne and I were growing up, a man either wore boxers or briefs and whichever he had, it was white. Since he buys his own, and since it's been a very long time since I embroidered anything "pesonal" on Jack's underwear (not that I'm saying I ever did…), I would have to look in his closet to see what he's wearing these days. However, I did look on the Internet, and I'm really surprised at what you can find in men's underwear these days. It's amazing there are so many styles, colors, shapes and fabrics for something designed just to hold a man's cock. I mean, what kind of designing does it take to come up with something to contain a man's rod and jewels in comfort so he can scratch, rearrange them and take them out to wee-wee?

But, when checking Nuwear's online site, I did find the most delicious pictures. I'm going to return there often. I found one solid white pair of boxer briefs. Everything else was bright and colorful. Most had pockets just to hold the cock. (So how does that work when he has to pee?) There were thongs, and boxers, and G-strings, which I think look just as ridiculous as they do on women. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Whatever you buy, make them easy to get off him. And then show him why you wanted them easy to get off. That's the part of the birthday gift he'll remember most of all.

Scared of Fakes

Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have three kids that keep us pretty busy, but we manage to have sex fairly regularly, and it's pretty good. However, about a month ago, he ordered a dildo from some online company, and he wants me to use it while he watches. I'm uncomfortable doing this. What's wrong with what we've been doing?? I told him no, and he accepts it but I can tell he's disappointed. In fact, we haven't had sex since then. Was I wrong?

Anne: I can see that you're uneasy about this, but every marriage needs attention. It sounds as though your husband doesn't think he's getting enough, and with three children, it is hard to find time for yourselves. There's no harm in spicing things up a bit. If you're uncomfortable with the sex toy, maybe you could try some sexy lingerie. Or send the kids off for the night and have sex in a different room than the bedroom. You don't have to go over the edge to add some spice to your sex life.

Dee: Good grief, Anne. You think using a dildo is going over the edge? I'd say maybe using a butt plug or strap on might be a little far for novices, but a dildo??

Okay, Ms. Scared of Fakes, why did your husband buy the dildo? I suspect it's because you have sex "fairly regularly" and it's "pretty good." Men might put up with pretty good sex, fairly regularly, but what they want is explosive sex, often. So embrace this hint by hubby that he's interested in a change. There's no need to be afraid--Mr. Dildo can be your friend. Here's what you do.

Did hubby buy a cleaner for the dildo? If so, follow directions to clean and dry it (if not, use a mild hand soap). (Don't get the battery compartment wet if it has one.) Is it a vibrator? Make sure it has batteries. Then… Prop pillows in the center of the bed. When you're ready, turn the lights down low--not out, because the whole purpose here is to watch you. Turn TV off!! Make sure the bedroom door is secured so kiddies don't wander in, and prop yourself on the pillows, preferably naked. Tell hubby to make himself comfortable. If there is lubricant, ask him to squirt a tiny bit on the tip of the dildo. Then gently rub it over your labia and clitoris. If there's vibration, turn it on low until you start to feel the effects--and believe me, you will! If you're embarrassed, close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is just you and the man you love--he's seen you before, right?

Before you know it. you'll be wet and anxious to insert the dildo into your pussy. If your puss-puss is hard to reach, ask hubby to help--he'll love it. Rub your breasts and pay attention to your nipples. Don't be surprised if he doesn't join in by this time. Ask him to lick your breasts or kiss your stomach. Tell him to rub his finger along the dildo and see how wet you are. Tell him you want him to fuck you--talk dirty. Most guys love it.

When you're "competed" (and you know what I mean), be sure to wash the dildo (being careful not to submerge it if it has batteries). The next day, order a pair of fur-lined handcuffs as a surprise for your husband. I see this as a whole new world of sexual exploration you'll find very rewarding if you stop being afraid.

* Graphics from my favorite sex toy shop, Adam and Eve

Push-ups Belong in the Army, Not a Bra

Q: My birthday was in January, our anniversary was in March and now there's Mother's Day. For all three celebrations, my husband bought me sexy lingerie--a shorty, see-through nightgown for my birthday, a set of thongs with the days of the week embroidered on them and a satin push-up bra. Of course he wants me to model them and then have wild monkey sex. Truth is, after four kids, stretch marks and left-over baby fat, I don't feel sexy in general and even less so in these slinky, wet-dream little pieces of fabric. I'd rather have a babysitter for a day to myself as a gift--away from the kids and from him and his demands. How can I tell him that?

Anne: There's no good way to tell a man his gifts aren't all you've longed for, sorry. But why don't you suggest leaving the kids with a family member for a weekend and go away with him and the slinky stuff? Maybe you'd feel different about his attentions if you were far away from your other worries. Otherwise, you either have to sit him down and be straight about the gifts or keep on accepting them.

Dee: Anne, I'm surprised! I don't think that's the advice you gave a previous writer with a similar problem. I'm glad to see you've come around to my way of thinking.

Okay, you say you're overweight and unattractive, at least to yourself. Your guy doesn't sound like he cares--he sounds like he still lusts after you. If he's giving you sexy clothing to put you in the mood, it indicates to me that you're not conducive to a romp in the hay all that often without the hint. That's more the problem than the lingerie, to my mind. I'm not saying you have to be ready and willing to jump every time he says he wants a little, but even men like to be needed and wanted in that "special way." Find time for the two of you. Have wild monkey sex now and then without his having to ask for it. Sounds like he still appreciates you in the bedroom--hopefully that carries over to the rest of your life together--so don't snub it. Otherwise, he might take that appreciation to someone who appreciates him back.

PS--If the only place he seems to know you're alive is in the bedroom, that's a whole different problem. Write back so we can give you some ball-busting hints. You should appreciate his appreciation, but you're not just a sex object. Know what I mean?