Do You KNow the Way to San Jose?

Q: Lately (for about a year now), I've been dating a man I love with all my heart. He loves me, too, but unfortunately he's married. His wife absolutely will not give him a divorce, though he's asked over and over. I live in Texas and he lives in California, near San Francisco. I've had to live with seeing him when he comes here on sales trips, and until now I've been thrilled with every moment we could steal. But last week I was offered a promotion at work and it's in San Jose, mere miles from where he lives. Living closer to him, I know I won't be happy with only a few tidbits of snatched time. I'm hoping to have him move in with me. On the other hand, I don't want to give his bitch of a wife more cause to make his life hell. If I don't take the promotion, we can go on as we have, hard as it is. But if I take it, maybe we could have a whole new life. What do you think?

Anne: Dating a married man brings grief over happiness 99% of the time. I don't know what will happen in your case, but take the promotion because it's right for you, not what it might or might not mean for you and your lover. Making a major decision like your life and livelihood based on someone else's desires is an invitation to misery.

Dee: Hey, dating a married man is okay as long as the sex is good. And married men never stretch the truth when it comes to describing their home lives to their mistresses. Right. And bears don't shit in the woods.

It's possible your guy is telling you the truth, that his wife won't give him a divorce. But no one can stop him from moving out of the house if he's so fuckin' unhappy with her. Keep an open mind—he might be lying to you. And don't be too surprised if he's not thrilled when he finds out you're moving close by. Your big promotion may not be the happy event to him that it is to you. If that's the case, you'd better examine his feelings for you and even more, your feelings for him.