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Monday, December 27, 2010

Merry Christmas - Happy New Year!

Anne and I are enjoying our week between Christmas and New Years with those we love. We hope you are doing the same!

Please check back next week for more interesting and amusing answers to problems sent in by our readers.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Appreciating Each and Every Minute

Q: Last week, when coming out of the grocery store, I stopped to help an elderly man lift his groceries in the trunk of his car. He started talking and I couldn't help but listen as he explained that his wife of 48 years had recently died. He said he hadn't been the best of husband's but that came home to him when going through his wife's things. Back in the closet he found a box. Inside, a dress was neatly folded. He didn't remember the dress, he said, or even the date written on a yellowed sheet of paper laying on top. "December 20, 1959. I wore this dress to the Sanford Christmas part and David said I looked beautiful." With tears shimmering in his eyes, he told me he didn't remember telling his wife that she was beautiful. In fact, he was sure he hadn't paid her enough loving attention for most of their marriage, and now he regretted that every day. I can't get the man out of my mind. I've tried to think of the last time my husband told me I was beautiful or when I last complimented him. How can I get it across that our time on Earth is finite, and we should appreciate every second with the ones we love?

Anne: What a touching and beautiful story. Of course, you can always tell him you love him, but what about finding new ways to say it? Cook or bake something he loves once a week. Tuck notes in his lunch that let him know you're thinking of him. Plan a day to do whatever he wants—even if it's nothing, or watching a ballgame on TV. Hold his hand. Smile. Flirt. I hope whatever you do works.

Dee: Well, of course I also thought of doing things he likes but my mind ran in a different direction. Fix a dinner he likes—and include an aphrodisiac, like oysters or chocolate. Plan an evening out to somewhere he wants to go—and let him know you're not wearing panties. Hold his hand—and when you're in a private spot (or semi-private?), place it over your breast. Or put your hand over his cock beneath the drape of a tablecloth. Give him a blowjob when he's least expecting it. Buy something new and special at Adam and Eve, or if you're able, plan a weekend to a Sybaris resort. Telling him that you should appreciate your time together is always more special with a little fucking to frost the cake. Have fun getting your message across!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Traveling Broadens the Mind...and Spreads the Legs

Q: I just finished my undergraduate degree and have a unique opportunity to travel through Europe for six months with a good friend who speaks several languages and knows the various countries. It's the chance of a lifetime. The trouble is, my friend is a guy, Herb. My fiancé, Robert, doesn't understand that Herb and I are just friends. He is insisting that if I take the trip I might as well not come back planning to marry him. I love Robert, but I know I will never be able to travel like this again. Work will drag me down and then Robert and I will be married and he wants kids right away. Once we start a family I'll never break away. Any ideas on how I can convince Robert that I do love Herb—but only as a friend and that there's nothing wrong with sharing a trip with him? Herb is paying for all the accommodations and travel once we're on the Continent—all I have to do is get myself there and pay for my food. How can I pass this up?

Anne: Are you sure Herb thinks of you as only a friend? I don't know, but to me it seems a little strange to ask a woman on a trip, especially since he is handling hotel concerns. As for Robert, I think he might be over-reacting a bit, but I don't think I'd be happy to have my fiancé traveling for six months with a friend of the opposite gender. Chance of a lifetime is right, but you'd better consider which lifetime you want to live. This trip is for six months but haven't you decided that Robert is the next many years?

Dee: My advice? Tell Robert to screw himself and then fuck Herb from Dublin to Moscow. Hell, if you decide to give in to Robert, give Herb my number—I'd go off for a six month trip virtually paid for by someone else.

The thing I noticed was your wording. Work will drag me down and then I'll be married. Quite a combination of thoughts. Then you said once you start a family you won't break away. If that's the way you really think of things, you aren't ready to be engaged or married. Tell Robert au revoir, adios, auf wiedersehen and take advantage of Herb's generosity. And if he wants to take advantage of more, you might find you don't mind spreading your legs for a "good friend" within view of the London Tower, the Coliseum, the Eiffel Tower, the Danube, and so on. You go, girl!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sex for Diamonds

Q: I want a diamond for Christmas in the worst way. I'm in my mid-20s and have been dating the same man for nine months. I love him and I think we are perfect together. I mean, everything about him is wonderful—he has a good job with great pay, he's handsome and he likes taking me out to great places. He's always buying me things and saying he wants to make me happy. And I am! Needless to say, the sex is fantastic. He's always ready to try new things and has taken me on sexual fantasies I didn't know I had. I tell him that every time he gives me a new present, I will give him a new treat in bed. So far the presents have been coming in and I've dug through sex books to come up with his rewards (he especially loves my blowjobs in unusual positions!). But now I want the real thing—a ring, a wedding and a piece of paper that says he's mine. What can do in these last weeks before Christmas to clinch the deal?

Anne: It sounds as though you're taken with him, but I wonder if it's for the right reasons. You don't say anything about him—his character, his soul. All you mention are material things. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why you're trying to "clinch the deal" instead of share a personal life with the man that goes beyond gifts and sex.

Dee: There's a word for women who have sex in exchange for money or gifts. Not to say that's you, but… Well, maybe I am saying that's you. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hey, your guy's a willing participant in all this. But he sounds as though he's happy showering you with gifts as long as he can stick you with his big one and maneuver through some new position once a week or so. You're wanting to change the rules of the game, and to me it sounds as though the reason is to secure that community property. Again, nothing wrong with that—a girl needs some security when those Kama Sutra tangles are no longer possible. Because, Lady, even if you should get that diamond, I don't see this as a long-term relationship. I don't think your guy does, either.

My advice? Keep up your looks and stay limber. Take all the gifts this guy is willing to give and then move on to the next guy who is willing to fuck in exchange for a few trinkets. If that's your idea of a relationship, there are always men willing to play along. But that's all it will be. Maybe you can ask your current boyfriend for references when he's ready to call it quits. The good news? In this rotten economy, you've found a job that actually pays, and pays pretty well. Good going!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Giving Thanks Without the Family

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. He's funny. smart and successful. All my friends tell me how cute he is and the sex is great. The thing is, three years of dating for an adult is a long time. He's not only never talked about marriage or any serious commitment. he's never even taken me home to meet his family. Not for anything—birthdays, weddings, holidays, nothing. We meet up with his friends and mine to do things but don't you think it's strange that he wouldn't invite me to anything where his family is involved? They live less than 40 miles away, and even if his parents come into town for dinner or his brother comes for a ballgame, it's always without me. Do you think that means anything? The latest "miss" was last week. He went to his folks' for Thanksgiving and I stayed here in town for the holiday alone.

Anne: It definitely sounds as though he's not ready for a commitment. You have to make up your mind if going along as you are is a deal breaker or not. If you're ready to settle down and want much more, you need to tell him straight out and see what he says. If he still indicates he's not ready, maybe you need to free yourself to look for someone who is.

Dee: You can stick a fork in him, but he's not ready. Stop screwing this turkey and find someone new to gobble.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Hello, all,

Anne here. Dee and I are taking the week off to give thanks. I'm thankful that we have wonderful family and friends, though they're far away. Dee says she's especially grateful for long lasting batteries and something called the Clitinator. (What in the world…?)

Anyway, we're both thankful for the love of a good man, that we live in a great country and that we have great, fine, wonderful men and women of the military who are willing to sacrifice in order to protect us. There will never be thanks enough for them and their families.

And we're very grateful for all of you, our readers and our books. Thank you!

We hope your holiday is safe and blessed.
Anne (and Dee)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Older But Maybe Not Wiser

Q: I'm what's come to be known as a cougar. My boyfriend of a year is 12 years younger than me. I'm…let's say past the legal drinking age by about 25 years and he's in his 30s. He seems perfectly happy with our relationship. I love parts of it (especially the frequent and fantastic sex), but I get nervous going out with him. I keep thinking everyone's staring at us and wondering how much I'm paying to get a young stud for a date. What I think they're saying behind my back makes me feel like a slut, not a nice man's lover. If we could stay home, just with each other, I'd be more content, but he's very social and likes to be out with his friends. What should I do?

Anne: It's a cliché to say that if the roles were reversed—if you were a man and he a woman—no one would think anything of the situation you're in. You are woman. Let's hear you roar. I say try to enjoy your relationship—he seems to be.

Dee: OMG! You are being fucked senseless by—in your own words—a stud, and you're questioning what? Why he's screwing you? Something about your technique must be good. Then are you asking why he takes you out with his friends? He must not be embarrassed by your looks or manners. So you're wondering why he "seems perfectly happy" with the status quo? Lady, you must be doing something right!!!!

Now, if you think there's something wrong with what you're doing, like if you think there's something morally objectionable about an older woman being with a younger man, then break it off. Send him away to make some other older woman happy. Otherwise, relax, smile and enjoy your good fortune—plenty of other women would love being between your bed sheets.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Boobs or Booby Prize?

Q: I don't know whether to be insulted or elated. After a long, dry spell, I finally have a boyfriend. We've dated for a couple of months and the sex is great. Or at least, I think it is. For me it has been. I've always known I wasn't Mary Big Boobs, but I thought my girls were attractive enough. Until last week said boyfriend offered to pay for the surgery if I'd get them increased by 2-3 inches. He says he's a breast man and he just doesn't get all that turned on with me looking the way I do. Funny, I thought he was turned on. Now I don't know if I should take the money and run, or just run.

Anne: Run. Any man who has been making love and then can make such a comment doesn't deserve you. If he isn't excited by who you are, find someone who is. Plus, there's a huge risk to you if something goes wrong.

Dee: This isn't about making love, it's about fucking, and half of that is fantasy. The surgical risks aside—and they are considerable, so be sure you do your homework—how do you feel about having larger breasts? Would they make you pleased with your reflection or self-conscious?

Assuming you wouldn't be unhappy with a bigger bra size, and assuming you are willing to find a really good surgeon with a track record of success (you're not paying, remember), and assuming all payments are made up front (no pun intended), then I say go for it. After all, relationships come and go, but 38Ds last forever.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween Habit

Q: I like dressing up and going out, and Halloween is a big deal for me. Every year I try to outdo the previous year's costume. It just so happens that each year the fabric in my costume covers less and less of me. Actually, I like looking slutty now and then, and again, what better time than Halloween? My boyfriend of eight months (meaning he didn't know me last Halloween) says I look like I want to fuck all night, with whoever's available at the party. I say he's dressing like a pirate and looks hotter than Johnny Depp, so who's trying to attract attention? I think he'd be happy if I dressed as an Arab woman and wore a burkha. I can't convince him that the only guy I plan to screw Halloween night is him—and that light is dimming with each of his criticisms. What should I do, give in or be myself?

Anne: Be yourself, always. Once he sees you're not out to score with the guys at the party, he will understand.

Dee: Wear a burkha to make him happy and tell every guy you meet that you're not wearing anything under it. See if that makes him any happier. And who knows? Maybe someone will be willing to sneak under the robe and give you a little tickle. That would be fun...

Someone who wants to cheat will find a way to do it regardless of what they're wearing. Whether or not you later spend the night with him screwing like rabbits is up to you. Frankly, I might try finding someone willing to take you as you are—a once-a-year slut with good intentions.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Desperate Denver Dan

Q: How can I convince my wife to have sex when her family is visiting? This year has been hell. I'm working and my wife is, too. Unfortunately, a good number of her family is not, and they've all been staying with us. First one brother, then another brother with his wife and kid, her sister with her two kids and then her mom decided to come for two weeks. Now the first brother is lai off and back again. We have a small house and my wife has refused to have sex unless we happen to be home and all of them are out—which has happened twice in three months. I'm about to die—or kill someone. Which should I do to get back to normal relations?

Anne: You poor guy! But what a nice guy, too, to help your wife's family. I think (if financially possible) you should pay everyone to go out to dinner or a movie once a week. Or maybe you and your wife could afford a motel room now and then? You're stuck between helping family and helping yourself. Just remember that this bad economy won't last forever.

Dee: I understand it's difficult to explain to a brother that you want some time alone to hump his sister, but you are married. It's not like you're asking him to give you time alone to fuck his teenage sister in the bed of a 1985 Ford at the end of a farm lane in Virginia Beach. Not that anyone I know ever did that… Anyway, if you can't talk to her family and convince them to leave you alone, then you have to do something else. Go somewhere. "Get a room," or even use the bed of an old Ford pickup. Be imaginative or your marriage will end before the recession.

In the meantime, have you suggested she give you a little relief? A BJ might be nice to take the edge off, or even a hand job. Don't be shy.

Monday, October 18, 2010

MickyD Marriage Threat

Q: I am married to a junk food junkie. I only like to eat organic, healthy food and it drives me crazy to find a McDonald's wrapper in the car. Before we got married (9 months ago), she said she would change. She hasn't gained weight but we've been talking about starting a family, and how can I allow her to become pregnant when she cares so little for her health?

Anne: How can you allow her to become pregnant? This is something the two of you need to discuss and decide on, not just you. As for her eating habits, it's important, of course, but not the end of the world if your bride eats fast food now and then. Lighten up.

Dee: Yeah, we all know that fast food and healthy, natural food are opposites. If your wife stops at Hardees for a sausage biscuit at breakfast, goes to Taco Bell for lunch and hits MickeyDs for dinner every day, maybe you have reason to worry. But if she stops by one of those joints once in a while, it's nothing. My question to you is, you obviously knew she liked fast food before you got married, right? You marry someone the way they are, not the way you want them to be. You love 'er? Then give her a break and stop being a food nanny. I'll bet there are things about you that drive her crazy, too.

And just another little note, if she should start to gain a little fast food weight, fucking is great exercise. In bed there are always interesting things to eat--for both of you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Can You Say Dil-doh?

Q: I have a fake penis, but the thing came with no instructions. How do I use it?

Anne: Having never used one, I’m not sure, but aren’t they kind of self-explanatory??

Dee: You didn’t say very much about the dildo. (Say it out loud: dil-doh. It won’t bite you. Or if the one you have does bite, send me the brand name immediately.) Is it a vibrating model, straight line or more anatomically correct in shape, wired or wireless, soft and skin-like or hard and unbending? Use the dildo to rub your clit, tease your labia and then insert it into your vagina. In other words, use it like a (good, hunky, skilled) man would—in, out, in, out. It’s not rocket science, though used properly, it can set off rockets in your pussy.

Whatever kind of unit it is, I hope you bought a cleaner. Special coverings require a special to keep the surface supple. Even if you are using just soap, make sure to clean the whole surface thoroughly after each use—remember where it’s been and where it will be going again. (Obviously, if you have a battery-powered unit, you don’t submerge the unit.) Then dry it completely.

Some recommend using condoms as extra protection. This will work if what you have is a regularly shaped dildo and not a rocket or a rabbit style.

Remember too, that when a dildo is used like a cock, your pussy tends to think it is a cock. Do the same things after using the dildo that you would if you’d just had regular, old sex. And like sex with a cock, be warned that fucking yourself can become addicting. You know exactly where to touch, where to rub, where to be rough and where to be gentle. You’ve got a lot of good times ahead of you! Have fun!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Where Do I Start?

Q: What’s the best way for me to learn about sex and how to do it? I don’t want to look stupid.

Anne: How old are you??? I have a feeling you’re young enough that I should ask if you listen in health class, but that’s actually pretty darn young these days. I’d rather not offer advice on this topic unless I know I’m not talking to a 10-year-old.

Dee: Well, it’s sad but true that most 10-year-old kids today know more about sex than I did at 16. That’s not to say I didn’t make up for things at a later time. However, no matter how old you are if you’re interested enough to ask the question you deserve an answer of some sort. Talk to you parents (or one of them) if you feel you can. Talk to a teacher or other adult you trust. Do not ask your friends, who are just as ignorant as you on the topic. If you are considering jumping into the hot tub of sex, make sure you know that the water can be pretty damn hot and not fun or nice. Make sure you know how to be safe, first and foremost. Make sure you’re ready, which frankly, if you’re writing us the kind of question you did, you aren’t. I hope you step back and decide to be a kid for a while longer.

Monday, September 27, 2010

When is Short Too Short?

Q: I have a bet with my mother. When is a dress too short?

Anne: It’s hard to answer such an open question. It depends a lot on where the dress is being worn. Personally, I think a dress higher than two inches above the knee is too short for the work environment, while maybe three or four inches above the knee might be fine for going out at night. Knee-length is right for church events. Does that settle the bet?

Dee: If the man you're with mentions a bush whacker, your dress might be too short, no matter where you are. If your boss suddenly says that he likes pussy cats more than puppy dogs, your dress is too short. If you’re walking down a city street, yet overhear comments about beavers, your dress is too short. And after catching a glimpse of your hemline, if a man drops his papers, loses his train of thought and stammers like a tongue-tied adolescent (which granted, isn’t all that hard to do to a guy), your dress is probably too short.

Use common sense.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Losing Control in Cleveland

Q: I feel stifled. I need adventure. Unfortunately I have a husband and two children under the age of 7. What can I do? I feel like I'll die if I stay as I am.

Anne: This sounds like something more than we can deal with, but first, what have you done to make your life more adventurous? Do you have friends who also have young children? If so, have you talked about sharing time so everyone gets a break now and then? Are both of your kids in school? If so, have you considered taking a class at a local school, too? You don't say, but what is your age and skill set? Have you considered a part-time job? There are many available now that you can do at home if you have a computer. I think perhaps you need to use a little imagination. But I also think you need to talk to someone closer to you and the situation. Maybe your husband or a family member, minister or friend.

Dee: I can advise you on how to spice up your sex life, lady, but beyond that you'll have to come up with a few ideas of your own. However, there's a lot of adventure to be found between the sheets. Make sure you plan and allow time for some sex time with your husband—it's an important part of any healthy marriage. (With two kids under 7 you might want to make sure your birth control is up to snuff.)

If a little creative fucking isn't enough to lift your spirits, then try some of what Anne advised. Don't let the feelings fester, though. Do something. Take control of your life.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dressed for Success

Q: I just bought several new outfits for work. I bought everything on sale came home to show my sister all my bargains. She immediately turned up her nose and said that everything I bought was left over from summer fashion and it would show. Then I took a different look at my purchases and saw she was right—I have all light colors and thinner materials. I can't afford anything else but I don't want to look like a boob. What should I do?

Anne: Try using accessories to fill out the colors and add a little texture and heft. Scarves don't typically cost too much and add a great deal, for instance. Also, pair sweaters with your lighter wear, or jackets. They have the added advantage of layering so you'll be more comfortable in differing environments. Take heart! You saved money on your purchases and that's always a good way to start out. The fit of the clothes is of far more importance than the things your sister mentioned. Good luck at the new job!

Dee: I can't pretend to be a fashion nut like Anne. Her advice sounds good. I want to address your bitch of a sister. Tell her to fuck off. Who died and made her Fashion Queen? If you have clothes that fit and feel comfortable, go with them and let your sister be damned. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Enjoying the Fruit of Our Labor on Labor Day

Hello all,

Anne and I are taking a short break, enjoying a long weekend. Hope your parades, cook outs and swim parties are filled with fun, family and love.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Wedding Bell (Dress) Blues

Q: I'm getting married in three weeks. Please tell me how to avoid murdering my future mother-in-law. She's a wonderful person. I'm sure someday—in a few years, maybe—we will love each other as dear friends. But not as long as she is driving me crazy over how to arrange the wedding. My mom isn't able to be here until just before the big event, so I appreciate future mom's input and help. I do. But I want something small and intimate and she sees something much grander. We don't have much time before my soon-to-be husband ships out overseas. I hate to spend it in turmoil. I'm afraid I'll soon end up saying something I'll regret. Help!

Anne: The fact of the matter is, weddings are emotional events--for the future MIL as well as for you. Emotions always make things harder to deal with. This is a job for your future husband. Have him tell his mother what the two of you want. At the very least he needs to be by your side supporting you or you and your future MIL will start off on the wrong foot.

Dee: What she said. Especially since in a short while he is going to be gone leaving you to deal with his mom. You don't want her to be a Dragon Lady—or to see you as one.

Now if your husband doesn't care about the wedding—he just wants to get you in the sack so he can screw your brains out before he departs, well, maybe that's a good compromise. If it comes down to being in total stress over whether you have a sit down dinner or a snack bar, it's not worth it. The whole point to a wedding is legal screwing. Get to that part with as little stress as possible. After all, when it comes down to it, relationships are important, not standing on ceremony.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Getting a Little in the End

Q: My husband likes anal sex. I'm not crazy about it, but I want to please him in a special way every now and then. I feel I should know more about it, though. What should I know that I don't know to ask?

Anne: Hygiene is everything. Make sure you stay clean and that your husband cleans his … you know before and after anal sex. And now you know as much as I do about that form of sex. Sis…?

Dee: Anne is right, cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to taking it in the backdoor—although the Almighty might not like being associated with anal sex. That applies to you, too. Make sure you've evacuated yourself before the big event. (Yes, that means just what it sounds like. Having a gentle shit isn't good enough. Sacrifice for the greater good.)

Wikipedia has an article on anal sex with pictures and all (not for viewing during work, I might add). It's not full of info, but will let you see that the practice isn't so perverse. In other words, your husband isn't alone in his desire for it. (By the way, did you know Wikipedia also has a site for sexual positions? It's like a mini, Kama Sutra online.) There are other sites, like Sextutor, Babeland and Freddy and Eddy.

In addition to being hygienic, the next most important factor—especially for you—is to use a good lubricant. The anus doesn't naturally have much secretion to ease penetration, so tell your hubby to use a good cream or gel designed for the anus. You can find them at any sex shop or site, like Adam and Eve. Without being well lubricated, you're likely to experience pain, and that's not the purpose of sex between two consenting adults.

Start easy and work your way up. This is one time when foreplay is really vital. Have your husband finger you first, gradually working his fingers in and stretching you before he actually penetrates you. That should be fun for him as well as stimulating for you.

Explore anal sex toys. The variety will knock you on your ass—no pun intended. If you find you enjoy the act, maybe you'd like to try a butt plug so you'll be more available, so to speak. Or an anal dildo, which is shorter than the regular one. These are also good ways for hubby to prepare you for what he has to offer, which hopefully will bring you the same amount of pleasure he gets from this sex act. Good luck and enjoy!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Virgin No More?

Q: I am nineteen and still a virgin. I'm determined to fix that. However, I don't really have a boyfriend and I'd prefer not to just grab someone off the street. Is there a sex toy I can use?

Anne: What in the world are you thinking??!!? Why are you determined to give up your virginity? Is your hymen hurting you, vexing you, embarrassing you? No! It's just sitting there, secretly waiting for the right time, the right person to come along. Leave it alone until you find a man you love and want to share the experience with.

A sex toy! Of all the silly questions.

Dee: I agree with Anne although for different reasons. Sure, you can buy a dildo and technically end your virginal state. But I think doing the deed yourself would be very hard. Bring a friend if you decide to go that route, keeping in mind a guy would most likely choose to help in a more personal manner. My advice is do not attempt this at home.

Personally, I think there's nothing like the feel of a real man. Nothing like the stroke of his fingers up your leg, or his knee nudging yours apart. A dildo won't make your breath hitch like feeling a man's weight, or the wetness of his cock on your thigh, or his hot kisses trailing along your jaw to your neck and nipples. And when a man penetrates you, filling you, stretching you, heating you from the inside out, you'll know no dildo could ever do the job right. Don't forget, there's likely to be pain involved in breaking your hymen. A man will take you past that, letting you know why you went to all the trouble. Trust me on this.

Where the hell is Jack??

Monday, August 9, 2010

Sunday Dinner Trouble

Q: My mother expects my husband and me to eat at her house every single Sunday. And not just eat there, come for the say. They wait to go to Mass so we can go with them, mom expects me to help in the kitchen and dad like Mike to watch the game (whatever game is on) with him.

The trouble is, we're newlyweds—just got married three months ago. We do live nearby (about 60 miles), and we both love my mom and dad, but… How can I tell my parents that we really want to start establishing our own Sunday meals, or that we even want sometimes to sleep in and relax over the paper? I'm an only child who lived at home right up until the wedding and my parents are European transplants who are big believers in family. Mom is very sensitive and dad backs her up no matter what. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I want to feel like a married woman, alone with my new husband, on the weekends as well as during the week.

Anne: Family is touchy, but you have to put down your foot now, before things go too far. Explain to your mom that you all love her and your dad, but that you have plans the next Sunday. Then make plans—even if it's to sleep late or watch a movie on TV. Tell her you will be happy to come to Sunday dinner once a month. Maybe you could suggest they come to your house every other month. Just you and your hubby decide what you are willing to do, and then explain it to your parents. Stay firm and eventually your mom and dad will get used to the new plan.

Dee: First of all, you think 60 miles one way is "nearby"??? Explain very sweetly to your parents that you and your husband work all week and you need the weekend to catch up on sex. That should shut them up for a minute or two while you go on to say that you work all week and take care of normal chores on Saturday, leaving only Sunday for sweaty sheets and hot screwing. Tell your mom to remember back to when she was married for three months, and if she's honest she'll recall her own tangled sweaty sheets. I mean, you came from somewhere. If she asks you to explain further, you're in big trouble. Although, you could say you were hoping to give up that honkin' big dildo you've been hiding in your underwear drawer for the last two years and start using something hotter that works without batteries. I can practically guarantee your parents will be speechless after that. Good luck.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Growing Up Fast

Q: Please tell me what I should tell my mom. I say I'm only young once. I want to date and be on my own like my friends who are also fourteen. Some of my friends have even had sex already. My mom says I have to tell her where I'm going, with who and when I'll be back. She treats me like a child. I think I should be treated like an adult. How may I convince her?

Anne: You might convince her by doing better in English—you made two errors in your short note to us. (See if you can find them.)

A fourteen year old is not an adult, unless you're from a tribe in a 3rd world backwater, where they are often married and expected to raise families or support a family. In which case, you'll be working too hard to go on dates or have fun on your own. The parents of your friends who let them date and do God knows what else are doing their children no favors. Someday you will thank your lucky stars you had such a caring and strict mother.

Dee: What should you say to your mother? Yes, ma'am. Whatever you say, Mom.

Take it to the bank, kid, you are not ready to take on adult responsibility. No fourteen year old is, especially for sex. One small mistake in this arena can cost you dearly for the next 22 years of your life. Any one of your friends who say they are able to handle sexual intercourse and all the other crap you mentioned is lying or stupid or both.

Enjoy your time as a teen by not taking on adult behaviors and activities you aren't prepared for. And if you think Anne and I are just taking your mother's side of things, ask yourself if maybe we don't know a few things you don't. Maybe—just maybe—age teaches us a few things you haven't had time to learn.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sex Toys with Discretion?

Q: I want to surprise my husband with something new and different. There is a sex toy store next to a truck stop on the edge of town, but I'm afraid to go in there. What is someone sees me? I know I can order online, but I'd like to see whatever I buy in person. I know next to nothing. Discretion is really important…I'm the Methodist minister's wife.

Anne: I understand your need for discretion, so I would advise not going to the store. You never know who's watching. Take a good look online. Read the reviews and comments. I think some of them also have a place where you can write and ask questions, so you might want to use that. If it's too hard, maybe you should plan to go away for a few days instead of trying to buy something?

Dee: Congratulations on wanting to add some spice to your marriage. If more people did that, fewer marriages would fail.

This is what you do: check out adamandeve.com or one of the other sex toy sites. Then Google the toy that interests you and see if your questions are answered. Start with something simple that would interest you both--maybe a dildo or an egg with a remote control. Read reviews/comments. Call the store near you if you don't want to go there. I'm sure they will be glad to answer questions.

If you do find a day or two to get away, try to make it someplace special and romantic like Sybaris, or a nice B&B.

Good luck!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Hungry (Rude) Man

Q: Last week, my husband and I went out to dinner with some friends to a buffet type restaurant. Her husband hurried ahead of us, got his food, and went to a table. He said he wanted to be sure we had a "nice" place to sit. Of course, we ended up paying for his meal. Then, we went to their house for dinner this past weekend and darn if he didn't fix his plate before we all could even sit down. He acts like there won't be enough food. I know this embarrasses my friend but she doesn't say anything. Should I?

Anne: If his wife doesn't say anything you shouldn't either. When you're in their house, take a deep breath and know this is how he is. If it really bothers you a lot, mention to your friend that you would prefer to go Dutch when you dine out.

Dee: When you go to a cafeteria, make sure his wife is right behind him in line, and when you get to the cashier let her know the bills are separate. When you eat at home, screw him. Who cares who piles the food on the plate first? You might consider it rude, but get over it if you want to keep your friendship.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Stripping Away the Boredom

Q: I need a change and have been thinking about stripping. Any idea of how to go about it?

Anne: Actually, I think a lot of fitness centers and YWCAs have classes now in pole dancing. I understand (not from personal experience) that stripping is a lot harder and a lot more than just standing on stage and swiveling your hips. There's an art to it.

Dee: Check strip clubs in your area and see if any of the woman there can give you ideas or tips. Check online. Here's a site I saw that has a bit of information:

Make sure even if you have the body for stripping that you also have the temperament. It can be a lucrative business, so good luck.

Monday, July 5, 2010

4th of July "Fireworks"

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. He's a lot of fun, very smart and the sex is great. We had plans to attend a 4th of July concert and last week Mark said he wanted to have sex in public, at the concert. Now this is in our city's park. It will be jammed with people listening to music and watching fireworks over the lake. I told him I thought he was crazy. but he's serious. He said he was getting a little bored – who knew that?? – and needed this to put a bit of excitement in our relationship. I thought everything was just fine and I'm very uncomfortable. When I protested, he went home mad, and now I'm not sure what to do. I think he means this as a deal breaker after two years.

Anne: When it comes to sex you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Ask him why he thinks the sex has gone stale and try to fix it—if you stil want to be with Mark—but don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do.

Dee: To paraphrase Anne, don't do anything that can get you landed in jail. Public sex is a legal problem. And yeah, its' true that if you feel dead set against public sex, don't do it. If that means no more Mark, so be it.

However, I understand his request. Fucking in public—and I mean fucking, not making love—is a pretty heady thing (no pun intended) to do in situations where you can be caught. It adds a sense of urgency, passion and danger that increases the tension exponentially. Pull a blanket over you and start with a little fingering. Fondling and touching, skin to skin, is a thrill with someone else a few feet away. I wouldn't recommend doing this right down in the front row, but find a fairly quiet place in back. Then try going all the way in such a way as not to be too obvious (remember the slammer could await). You might be surprised at the fireworks it sets off in your pussy.

Monday, June 28, 2010

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Need More Than Blowing

Q: My husband wants oral sex all the time. I like it okay, but what's in it for me? Any hints?

Anne: This really isn't my area. Ask him to reciprocate? Dee, help!

Dee: Ever tried a 69? There's plenty to appreciate in that particular position, for both of you. Find a way to suck him so he can finger you. Try a magic egg while you're giving head. In other words, use a little imagination, woman!!! For a woman, the most erogenous zone is the brain. Put yours to use, and then maybe your mouth will be more ready to be put to use, too.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Nagging Mom in Nashville

Q: I love my mother but she's driving me crazy. I'm 38 and still living with Mark, my fiancé of seven years. My mother can't understand why we're not already married and she keeps reminding me of my ticking biological clock. My brother is a priest, so no grandchildren from him, and the pressure is all on me. Because she thinks my fiancé is preventing the wedding from going forward (she's been window shopping for dresses and planning the reception for years now), and with each year she likes him less and less. She thinks he's taking advantage of me and will never marry me. I admit, I want to marry Mark, and I wonder why he's holding back so long, too, but I trust him and I know he has his reasons. I do want children--or I did, badly. Now I don't see it happening. What can I do about my mom? I love her but her animosity toward Mark is getting bad, and her nagging me is making me want to scream.

Anne: Until the end of your question, I thought maybe you would say that you were the party holding up the wedding plans, but that's not the case, I guess. Your mother is probably wondering if he has some reason not to want to get married, like is he hiding a wife somewhere, is he really lukewarm toward you instead of passionately in love? If you have lived happily together for seven years, you've lasted longer than a lot of marriages, so if you two are still in love, why not take the next step? Don't take this the wrong way, but at your ages, this does seem strange. Talk to Mark—or get someone (maybe your brother?) to talk to him--and get to the bottom of things. As far as your mom, tell her you appreciate her concerns but lay off. If you love Mark, she needs to accept him. If she can't do that, real trouble lies ahead. And she has to respect your decisions as an adult.

Dee: Look, if you are happy with the situation as it is now, just tell your mom that you don't care if you ever get married and to give it up. If you aren't happy with the way things are, tell Mark to set his butt down and have a come-to-Jesus-meeting. You've been with the man for seven damn years. You're an adult, not a child, which would necessitate a long dating period. Enough is enough. You've given this man a lot of time for an "engagement." Ask him if he's ready to commit and if not, why not. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, tell him to fuck off. But! Make sure you're ready to accept his answer and make the change.

The biggest thing here is to know what you want, then take steps to make it happen.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Need Time Alone? You Got It.

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm stepping out on her because I don't have any energy for sex. I work two jobs and go to school. She works part-time as a secretary and is ready to go out when the weekend comes. If we stay home, she wants me to chase her around the bedroom. If she doesn't give me a break soon, I'll be breaking up with her. A woman I stay with needs to understand what's important to me, and right now my future takes precedence over getting between a woman's legs. I like her, though, and she's nice enough. What can I say or do to get my position through to her?

Anne: Nothing. Break it off. You'd be better off seeking out a one night stand when you're in the mood for sex. Let your girlfriend (if she really is your girlfriend) find someone more suited to her.

Dee: Hey, fucking isn't everything, I agree. But it's something, and especially when two people feel something for each other. You come across as uninterested in having a future with her. You sound tired of her, actually. Certainly not in love.

Anne's right (there's a first). You'd be better off telling her you're calling it quits. Then you can have all the time alone you want. And I have a feeling there will be a lot of it.

Monday, May 31, 2010

52" Anniversary Boondoggle

Q: My husband wants to buy a 52-inch-screen TV with all the bells and whistles for our anniversary. That will run around $2,500. I want to celebrate our 10-year anniversary with a week's trip to a romantic location. He won't budge. What does that say about how he feels for me?

Anne: Nothing. It says he wants a big TV. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If that's the only reason you think he cares little for you, step back and take a deep breath. Maybe he just doesn't like to travel…?

Dee: Give the poor bastard a break. So he likes to watch sports (or whatever) on a huge screen. Instead of arguing the point, use the TV in other ways. Invest in a few well-chosen adult films. Hubby will pant over Asia Carrera and you can swoon over seeing all of Evan Stone in 52" HD. Compromise with a weekend away someplace closer to home, Sybaris in Chicago-land or some Sybaris-like place near you. Add a couple of favorite sex toys, and the big TV purchase will seem like a treat instead of a lost argument.

Anne and I would like to thank all our men and women currently serving in the military or who have served in the past. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Fear of Assholes (No, really.)

Q: Help! My husband wants to have anal sex. I don't. I have to admit to being curious, but mostly the thought scares me because I think it would hurt. I know he watches it in adult movies and on the Internet. I'm afraid if I don't do it he will go elsewhere. What should I do?

Anne: My advice is simple: don't do anything you don't want to do sexually. If he doesn't like it, let him go somewhere else—he's not worth having around if he doesn't understand your wants and desires during sex as well as his own.

Dee: My first kick butt reaction (no pun intended) was to agree with Anne. You should not engage in sexual activity you are dead-set against, I don't care how much your partner wants you to. And I'd leave it there except for your statement I admit to being curious…

So here's where I differ from sis. If you truly are curious, find out more about it. Learn the proper way to go about the position. Find out about the oils and lubricants formulated to make the experience a pleasant one, and read about the sensations you might expect. Start small by experimenting with a butt plug to get used to the feeling of having something in that orifice. Have your husband manipulate a small anal dildo during regular sex. You might well find out your orgasms are greater and your time together more sensual.

The most important thing is that both your husband and you want to try anal sex and plan to bring enjoyment to the other. Make sure he knows and agrees to the proper health and pleasure techniques to use—and maybe a safe word letting him know to stop if you feel too uncomfortable. If he doesn't agree to all of that, he's the asshole in the situation (pun intended). Good luck!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Coming Home in Kansas City

Q: My boyfriend is returning from a tour of duty in Iraq this coming weekend. When he left we were good friends, but since he's been there we've come to know each other better through our letters and have finally found that we love each other. I can't wait to see him again, but more importantly, I can't wait to love him in every way. He proposed in his last letter and I intend to marry him. My problem is, I share a duplex with my mother. Though we live in separate sides of the house, she will certainly know if Joey spends the night with me. She thinks I'm a virgin (which I am, actually), and doesn't have any notion that I might sleep with a man before marrying him. I'm an adult but I still feel funny about having Joey stay with me when he comes home--but I also want it more than anything. What should I do?

Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)

Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.

The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.

Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Who's the Biggest Boob of All?

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he likes large breasts. He wants me to get a boob job. I checked and they're very expensive. He's not working so he can't pay, and I just barely have enough in savings to cover the costs. I really love him, but I'm nervous about this. Any advice?

Anne: My advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. He doesn't have the money and neither do you (and you don't, really). You never said how you feel about this kind of surgery. Is this something you'd be willing to do, or be happy to do? If you go ahead, make sure you use a reputable surgeon. This is time to go for quality and not a low price. But I'd advise against. If your boyfriend says big breasts prove you love him, find someone else, someone who loves you as you are.

Dee: This is a big duh. He thinks boobs make the woman? Check. He can't or won't pay for the operation? Check. He doesn't mind if you empty your savings account of your hard earned money? Check. You have concerns that he doesn't seem to care about? Check.

This guy is a big, fat LOSER??? CHECK.

Dump this asshole and find someone who wants you as you are. Or maybe as you are in a Wonder Bra.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Seattle Quandary

Q: I found out my significant other is cheating on me. We've dated for three years, share a house and many interests. I recently received a promotion in my career which has meant more hours working, and now I find out he's screwing around with my secretary. I know this for a fact. The trouble is, I have loved the schmuck for years, I'm comfortable with him (except for his cheating), and have fun with him. I hate to lose what we have. I also hate to fire my secretary, who in all things (except sleeping with my "other") is superior. What I hate most is their lack of fidelity to their partner and boss.

Anne: Is there a question in there? Are you asking us if you should cut him loose or hang in there? I certainly can't answer that. I did notice that when you listed all the things about him you enjoy, you didn't mention that you love him. That seems a big consideration. If you let him go, would your heart feel ripped out? If so, sit him down and talk to him. If he's emotional cut the cord, it's probably too late no matter what you decide.

Dee: Look there are a zillion men who would be happy to share a house with a dedicated career woman and who have interest similar to yours. Aside from that, a great vibrator is pretty cheap and doesn't snore. However, a good secretary is hard to find. You do the math.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Prom Mistake

Q: My best friend is spreading lies about me to the whole school. I'm so hurt and don't know what to do. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few weeks ago and then asked me to the prom, but he was already broken up with her. I wanted to go to the prom really bad. She shouldn't hold that against me, should she?

Anne: Well, yeah, if this guy was really her boyfriend. Was she upset by the break-up? If so, maybe you should have passed up going to the prom with him. Ask yourself which is more important, going to one dance or keeping a friend. Then ask how you would feel if the situation was reversed. All I can suggest now is to keep being nice--don't start talking about her--and maybe things will straighten out in time.

Dee: Good God. My recollection is that in high school girls get mad with each other and make up more often than rabbits have bunnies. In my opinion, you screwed her by accepting the invitation of her former boyfriend when they just recently broke up. So now you have to suck it up. Apologize. Try being a better friend yourself.

And for God's sake, Anne, next week I want a sex question instead of high school trauma.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Virgin in Virginia and Hating It

Q: I'm fifteen and have just started dating the guy of my dreams. I've had a crush on him for two years and couldn't believe it when he asked me out two weeks ago. Since then we've been together every single day. I love him and he says he loves me. I want to show him how much by having sex, but he won't do it. He signed a contract saying he would remain celibate until marriage, which I think is totally unreasonable. If he really loved me, wouldn't he want to share making love? I'm the only one of my friends who's still a virgin and I want to change that with Joey, the boy I want to be with forever. How do I convince him?

Anne: First of all, think about what virginity means. It says that you respect yourself enough to wait until you find the man (the man) you want to marry and have children with. That's the purpose of sex, not the random coupling that people use it for today. Second, you could be right, but the odds of you and Joey lasting to marriage--or even 11th grade--are slim. The divorce rate for people who date a long time and swear before their family and friends that they will "honor and cherish until death do them part" is 50%, so realistically, the chances you and Joey will last is very, very low. So if you give yourself to him, what do you do with the next boy (next boy) you "love." Last, being the only virgin in your group is not a good reason to hop into the backseat with Joey or any other boy. Losing your virginity is something that only happens once, get it? Make sure you're giving it away for the right reason, with your dignity and self worth in place and in mind.

Dee: I agree with Anne's advice, yet not the preachy style she uses to say it. Listen, before you have sex, ask your minister or counselor at school or your parents (best choice if you can talk to them) to let you talk to one or two unwed mothers. Having a child--or an abortion--at your age is not something to take lightly.

The fact is, when you're engaging in risky behavior, sometimes you make bad decisions, like having sex without protection, like drinking or using drugs so that you're not thinking clearly, or maybe letting yourself feel pressured to do something you're simply not ready to do. Adults make bad decisions, too, but your hormones are running crazy right now, making rational thought nearly impossible at times.

My advice? Pay attention to Joey. Don't have sex until you're older and you know more about what you're doing. If you're going to have sex no matter what we say, ALWAYS use a condom, no matter what a guy tells you or how carried away you are. A diagnosis of HIV is common in the 24-28 age group, which means teens are contracting the disease. Birth control in addition to a condom is not a bad thing. My mom told me when I was a teen and it's still true, use an aspirin for birth control. One aspirin, held tightly between the knees, is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Please! I Need Some "Head" Advice in Parsippany

Q: My boyfriend likes me to give him oral sex. I try but I'm not very good at it. Any suggestions?

Anne: Well, at least you're trying. Has your boyfriend said what he perceives as the problem? If he gives specifics, then you have a starting point for improvement. By the way, I hope he returns the favor and gives you oral sex, too.

Dee: Listen, he can't get away simply with saying he doesn't like the way you do blow jobs, he has to give a little more detail. Is it that you don't swallow, or you don't take enough of him, or you don't maintain a rhythm, or what? Too bad you don't know a prostitute or someone who has a lot of experience who could give you a few personal tips.

Barring that, here's what I know:
• Relax the throat--if you can't manage on your own, there are sprays you can use for this. Use your lips to press him firmly.
• On the downward stroke, use your tongue on the underside of his cock and twist the base slightly with your free hand.
• At the bottom, tongue flick the base.
• Use a licking motion on the upward stroke.
• At the top, hold the base, then lick the crown and tickle the slit.
• Most of all, act like you're enjoying yourself. Giving head is a very sensual, intimate act. Men generally love it, but it loses a lot if you hate every second and show it.

For advice from more knowledgeable sources, check out these sites and others: allsexguide.com, deepmemories.com. I found these by Googling "how to give a blow job," so information isn't hard to find.

If you actually do hate giving head, then explain that to your boyfriend and don't do it. Perfect hand jobs instead. If your boyfriend insists on blow jobs in order for you to stay together and you hate it, too bad for him--that's not being loving and you deserve better. But if you enjoy bringing a man to his knees by sucking him off, then a little technique can go a long way in giving pleasure to both of you.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Taxing Situation in Tucumcari

Q: Every year, my girlfriend waits until the very last minute to prepare her taxes. She holds off and then drags me into the mess with her, venting, ranting at the IRS and herself (and me) alike, and generally disrupting our lives for a couple of weeks while she scrambles to find the information and receipts she needs and then getting them to the accountant in time for him to do the work and send it back before April 15. It drives me crazy!! Any tips on how I can prod her into getting things done earlier next year?

Anne: Well, show her this letter, for one. Let her know that it isn't just her who's thrown into a tizzy by her lateness. Or perhaps you could start in February, suggesting the two of you do your taxes together and then help her get organized. Or, take the bull by the horns and set up an accounting package that will automatically organize her income and expenses?

On the other hand, maybe she's one of those people who lives on the drama of running up to the last minute. (Like someone you know, Dee?) In which case, get used to chaotic Aprils because that's the way they will always be.

Dee: Haha, Anne. Look, dude, when I think of a woman "being late," financial planning isn't what comes to mind, family planning is. Thank your lucky stars you're only talking of something as insignificant as preparing taxes and cut your girlfriend some slack. Turn on a game, get a beer and let her run around in panic mode to her heart's content.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

About to be Screwed in Akron

Q: Help! My boss told me when I left work today that I was being considered for a promotion. All I needed to do was "be nice to him." I have a four-year-old son that I raise on my own and I can't afford to lose my job in this economy. It's not that he isn't nice looking, he is. And until now I thought he was a great guy to work for. The hell of it is, I'm very good at what I do. I have no witnesses to prove my case. What can I say to him to keep him off my back (no pun intended) and still keep my job?

Anne: Go directly to HR and report him. Then thoroughly document everything he asks you to do and when and how you did it so he can't say you've slacked off at work. This is sexual harassment of the worst kind. Because you're a single mother he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you won't take the chance of losing your job. There are laws that protect people in the workplace. Use them, or later, when something bad happens he will use your silence against you.

Dee: Pick up a cheap recorder and after work question him about what he suggested. Take that to HR so there is no doubt what your complaint is. See how he likes being screwed for a change. Anne is right in this instance. Saying nothing will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. This has to be reported. I wouldn't be surprised if you were one of several he's pulled this same shit on. Good luck!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Color Me Confused in Connecticut

Q: My sister and I are having a huge argument about our parents' house that we hope you can solve. They have a light green carpet, light yellow drapes and a light blue sofa. I want to paint the walls white and she doesn't. But I mean, if not white, what? What color goes with all of those other things?

Anne: What a strange color combination. Can you replace something in the room…or maybe most things in the room? If not, I can't imagine any color but white going on the walls.

Dee: What color goes with all of those things? What color goes with "stupid question???" Come on. Ask me about how many people fit into a room for an orgy or which fuck toy to use to make your partner scream, and I'm your gal. But paint colors?? Give me a break. Round out the room with light pink. I don't think you would make it any more hideous than I'm sure it already is.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Differences in Detroit

Q: My boyfriend and I argue all the time about small things like which movies (he likes kick-em-up and I like comedy or romance) to see on our dates, what type of restaurant (he likes American meat and potatoes and I like Thai or something exotic) to go to for dinner and which radio station to listen to (he likes country and I like rap). What can I do to get him to listen to my point of view more?

Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.

Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.

I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Birthday in Buffalo

Q: Last year I gave my girlfriend a sexy nightgown for her birthday and received a lecture on how I buy things for me instead of for her, whatever that means. Women's logic makes no sense to me. Anyway, she didn't wear the nightgown for a good long time but when she did, she was smokin' and we had the greatest sex we'd had in months. I want that again, so I found another, tiny little scrap of a nightgown and bought it, even though it set me back a week's salary. The thing is, I don't want another lecture or any more backward philosophy about how I don't care about her wants and needs. I satisfied her needs pretty damn well when she finally gave in and wore what I gave her. Any advice?

Anne: First off, what your girlfriend meant was that you bought the nightgown because you wanted to see her in it, not because you thought she would like to wear it. Women want a man to think of them and their wants and needs, not the man's. Maybe she would like something not quite so sexy, something she would be comfortable in, not just sexy in. Buying something that suits her desires shows you're thinking of her and not just yourself. Even if you did have a good night when she wore the gown, she still knows your mind focused on what you wanted to see her wearing, not what she wanted to wear. It's a fine distinction, but if you put your mind to it I'm sure you will understand.

I wish you hadn't already bought the nightgown this year--which, by the way means you didn't listen very well last year--but since you have, I'd say combine it with something else, something you know she wants. Maybe jewelry or flowers or a special perfume she has mentioned? Next year, perhaps you should ask her for suggestions. Let her buy the sexy gown to surprise you on your birthday.

Dee: Yeah, you should try to give her something she wants and not just what you want. But you want sex and if she's still with you, so does she. I'd say kick it up a notch, but not as a birthday gift, as an adjunct gift. Start off with some mind-blowing foreplay and then present her with the gown.

For that mind-blowing foreplay, take a look at Adam and Eve for a few suggestions. Try an egg vibrator--small but powerful. Or a G-spot stimulator--sure to bring pleasure. Or how about a finger vibrator? That way you're a part of the action. Once you have her interest, present her with the nightie to enhance what you've already started. The problem last year is, you wanted her to wear the nightgown as your foreplay, and she wants more than your cock growing hard, she wants some excitement, too.

Or maybe give her a nightgown as part of a romantic weekend away, like at Sybaris or someplace near you that specializes in dark corners and quiet rooms. The trick here is combining the sex with romance.

True, it's better to give the birthday person something they want. But flowers die, candy is cliché, and jewelry should be saved for when you really need to make-up. A finger vibrator lasts a long time past the birthday and it's a team sport. When she kicks your sorry ass out, it's the gift that keeps on giving when she's alone, too. What more can a woman ask for?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Wants a Divorce

Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?

Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.

Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.

The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.

Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Hasseled in Hampton

Q: I am an office manager and my boss is driving me crazy. Not only is he a controlling, stubborn jerk, he keeps finding ways to touch me or get me alone. Some of his comments to me are far from professional. In fact, some of them are down right dirty. Yesterday I found a pair of crotch-less panties in my top desk drawer. At mid-day he invited me out for "a tasty bite to eat." I just know he's the one with the Frederick's of Hollywood taste, but he's always careful not to say or do anything in front of others.

We're a fairly small, privately owned company with no actual HR department. In this economy, I can't afford to quit, yet I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to stay. What should I do?

Anne: Your state has an agency that handles sexual harassment issues. Call them or find an attorney who will represent you should you decide to take him to court. No one should have to put up with that kind of pressure, to select to be harassed or be out of work. Get relief from the state or sue the idiot. Make sure you talk to someone about what kind of proof or evidence you need so when you make a move you're successful. Good luck!

Dee: Perhaps you could try the dirty route. Agree to meet him. Wear the undies and let him feast. Just because he's a pig, who knows? Maybe he has a real talent in that arena. No reason to pass up a good orgasm. Then offer to return the favor. While he's naked and at his most vulnerable, whip out your cell phone and take a picture that you promise to make into a YouTube video and plaster all over the Internet if he doesn’t shape up--or if he fires you. Take his little short hairs in your fist and explain just how you feel about his attitude. Give his wanker a twist and then leave. By all means, burn the panties.

If that doesn't work, then I guess you could try Anne's wussy approach and see a lawyer or file a complaint. Frankly I'd rather lick someone in my own way. (Which is a truly delightful way, if I say so myself.)

Monday, February 15, 2010

Betrayed by a Friend

Q: ARGHHH! Please help. My best friend and I have lived separate lives in different states for several years. Just last week we got together for a mini-reunion and I find we have nothing in common anymore. I'm liberal, she's conservative. I'm a single career woman and she's a stay-at-home mom with three children and a husband. I'm a player, seeing two or three men at once and having sex almost every night of the week, and she seems happy with the same guy she's been married to for nine years. This woman and I were simpatico in every way when we roomed together in college. Now she's nothing like I remember. I feel betrayed.

Anne: Remember that old children's saying, "Make new friends but keep the old…?" Well, it's true. It might not seem as though you have much in common right now, but stay in touch, keep trying to reconnect. Maybe you have little to talk about now, but in another nine years, when her kids are older and you and she have entered new life cycles, you may find your friendship is as strong as it used to be.

Dee: So let me get this straight. She doesn't agree with your beliefs, life style or career choice and you don't agree with hers? Well, fuck it if you two can't take a joke. This is life. People change, grow apart and then come back together. Agree to disagree now and find something to laugh about. Life is hard and lonely enough at times without giving up a good friend simply because she's a stay-at-home mom who loves her husband and votes Republican. If you're not simpatico (and there's something to laugh at right there, someone who still says simpatico), chalk it up to growing up. Believe me, when even more water has run under the proverbial bridge, a hell of a lot more will have changed, for both of you. Get used to it.

BTW, congrats on having sex so often. Way to go!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ring-ring! Husband Calling.

Q: I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. BUT, whenever I'm away from home he calls me three or four times a day. I often travel to my mother's or to our second home. At either place, I have things to do. When he phones, it's always at an inconvenient time, and it's almost always to tell me something that's unimportant--or at least could wait. When I'm short with him, he says it doesn't sound as though I miss him and he's hurt. I've tried asking him to call between two times (like 5:30 - 6:00) but he still calls whenever he has something to say. What can I do to get through to him?

Anne: Is this a trust issue? Surely your husband knows you aren't out running around on him if you go to help your mother or completing work at your other home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will call him nightly (or at some time you agree on), and you would appreciate not receiving calls at other times unless there's an emergency. With a specified time he knows you will talk, he might save all of his news or comments for then.

Dee: WTF? Your husband calls you multiple times during the day to chat? When he knows you're tied up with chores and other things to do? I mean, it's nice to know he misses you, but tell him to grow up, for Christ's sake. You're his wife, not his mommy.

It seems to me that two adults can restrain themselves to talking once a day when they're away from each other unless there is business to transact. As Anne said, set a time to talk and then make sure you are ready to spend a few minutes with him at that time. If he can't get that through his head, then whenever he calls, tell him you're in the middle of xxx and say, "Here, honey, talk to my mother because I really don't have time right now." I'm pretty sure he won't keep calling when he shouldn't.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Semper Fi Myself

Q: My fiancé is a Marine in the Middle East. I love him and he loves me but he always thinks I'm cheating on him. If I tell him I've gone out with friends, he asks if there were men there. If I don't mention going out, he thinks I'm hiding something from him. I don't know how to prove I'm faithful and in love with him. Any suggestions?

Anne: Is he like this when he's home? If so, I'd say you have a serious problem with your relationship. No couple can withstand constant jealousy or lack of trust. Send him a copy of this column. Let him see your frustration. All I can say is, keep reassuring him. Hopefully he will come to see your heart is his. I'm praying for his safety and speedy return.

Dee: It's easy to doubt something good in life when you're facing the worst every day. I have to ask, though, have you ever before given him reason to distrust you? 99.9% of military wives are true and live for their men to come home. It's that .1% every military man dreads, so if you've cheated before that might be reason enough for him to think you could cheat again. If you go out with friends to bars (where, sad to say, men might try to pick you up or, sadder to say, you might be the picker instead of the pickee), as opposed to church dinners, then he might worry, even if you've been purer than Caesar's wife in the past. Or it could be that he's just fearful you might cheat no matter what you have or haven't done before--in which case you two need to talk with someone and try to work things out before the wedding.

Semper fi!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Football, Schmookball. It Can't Compete With Austen

From an e-mail sent moments ago:

Q: Hey, Anne and Dee. I bet my little brother $15 that the Jets would beat Indianapolis and that the Saints would beat the Vikings. Now the little fucker refuses to pay up. He's 24 years old. Don't you think he should stop acting like a child and pay what he owes?

Anne: Sorry, I didn't watch the games. Emma was on Masterpiece Theatre tonight. However, if you won, then your brother should pay what he owes.

Dee: You dumb shit, New York didn't beat Indianapolis. The Superbowl will be played between the Colts and the Saints. Keep up with the conversation.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Help! My Boyfriend Cheated With My BFF

Q: My friend Cathy just called. She couldn't wait to tell me all the details about my boyfriend Tom having sex with my BFF Heidi. This has evidently been going on for months. She heard it from Tiffany, the head cheerleader, so I know it's true. I'm so hurt and upset I don't know what to do. I'm not the most popular girl in class and I thought Tom loved me. Now I wish I'd had sex with him when he asked. What should I do?

Anne: No matter how bad this seems, you have done the right thing by not having sex with Tom. You see how little he values you because he cheated with your BFF. Forget about him, the pissant. Hold your head up high and move on. Tom and Heidi aren't worth your concern.

Dee: You need a new set of friends. First asshole Tom cheats, not with some girl you don't know but with a good friend. Then your supposed best friend has no qualms about sleeping with a boy she knows you're dating. Bitch. Next we have Tiffany. So, what is about a head cheerleader that makes her honest? Give me a break. I know one thing about her: she knew something hurtful to you--something that was juicy gossip--and she spread the word. She's no different from any fishwife in any town, always ready to repeat bad news. Last you say Cathy is a friend. She couldn't wait to pass on the news that Tom is cheating, but did she do it to help you or hurt you? Your wording suggests the latter.

So here's my advice. Screw Tom the Tom cat, and not in a way he'd enjoy. Kick drop Heidi back to the Alps, which is the only place someone named Heidi should live. Don't even try to be friends with heartless Tiffany or you'll regret it, and dump Cathy. She's not interested in your well-being just in titillating info. Aren't there any girls worth anything at your school? Seek them out and forget those other losers.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Can't Seem to Plan My Life

Q: I am totally disorganized. My boyfriend threatens to break up with me if I miss one more date because I didn't have it written in the planner he bought me for my birthday, and my mother doesn't speak to me anymore because I forgot her birthday…for the third year in a row. I don't mean to forget these things, I just do. Is there any help for me?

Anne: Well, just use your planner. The minute you find you have an appointment, write it down. Then remember to look at it. Maybe you have too much going on? If so, cut back on some activities and focus on those things that are really important. Fewer things to keep track of means more things you will keep track of.

Dee: As Anne said, you remember the things that are important. I'll bet you aren't this scattered at work, are you? If so, you wouldn't be working for long. So here's my take. Your mom is a nag, always has been, always will be. Forgetting something that you know will irritate her is your way of getting back at her. As for your boyfriend, dump the bastard. If he bought you a planner and you still don't remember dates, well, read the writing on the wall. He obviously isn't the guy that gets your panties wet. Move on.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Toilet Training

Q: I know this is one of the oldest problems women have, but how do I train my boyfriend to put down the toilet seat? I've almost broken my back a few times late at night when I haven't turned on the light.

Anne: You're right, this is a pretty persistent problem, and one which I think has no ideal solution. You could "forget" to buy beer a week, or "forget" to pick up the groceries or do laundry. Unfortunately, most men don't notice or care about these things. They'd just as soon buy the beer, order pizza and let laundry go for weeks. Maybe Dee has a better solution?

Francis Drake: I have to interject here. As a man, I'd say, explain that sometimes you're in a hurry and may forget to check to see if the seat is up. Tell your boyfriend that it's uncomfortable and unsanitary if your butt drops into the water, in addition to causing possible bodily harm.

Dee: Yeah, like that would work.

Francis: Or you could put on your Big Girl panties and learn to put the seat down. And what's this about "training" your boyfriend? Is he a poodle?? Men like it when things are up, so learn to deal with it.

Dee: (smiling sweetly): How about this? Tell him it will be a cold, fucking day in Hell before any hot fucking takes place in the bedroom. Things won't be "up" for long.