Want to ask us something?

Send your question--any question-- to dsknight@deesknight.com. Please include your name and put Question in your subject line. Thanks!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Needs a Break From Sex

Q: This might seem like a strange question, but I’m a normal, healthy male who likes sex. However, my girlfriend really likes sex. She wants it all the time, in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of places. I’m a guy, not a sex object or a machine. What should I do?

Anne: Don’t feel bad about asking the question. I imagine there are many men reading this who have the same concerns. Listen, sex is a very important part of any relationship and something people must be compatible on. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her you’re uncomfortable with her excessive appetite for sex. If you two can’t find a meeting ground on this subject, I fear you’re heading for trouble in the long run.

Dee: Hmmm. Let me get this straight. You are a guy (I’ll take your word on it, I suppose). Your girlfriend likes to have more sex than you do (I’m still taking your word that you’re a guy). And, the little minx likes it different ways and locations and all the time, which makes you uncomfortable. You sure you’re a guy? Please send us the address of your girlfriend because I’m sure there are a gazillion other guys who’d be happy to get to know her and thus resolve your issue.

By the way, have you tried anything new and different in your sex life lately? A little doggy action, a bit of panty rubbing under the table at the restaurant? Maybe a remote-controlled egg when you’re out for the evening?

I’d advise the two of you to browse a few virtual pages of adamandeve.com and see if anything strikes your fancy. Maybe her desire to spice up the relationship is just that, a need to shake things up a bit. All I know is, if you don’t do something to satisfy this woman, you not only won’t be a sex machine, you’ll be nobody’s sex object. I mean, just saying.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling Left Out and Hating It

Q: I have two best friends, one male and one female. We’ve always been together and I know they’ll always be part of my life. Or I hope so, at least. I never thought of him as a "boyfriend" ... but then a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend told me that she likes him and wants to try and "go out" with him. That’s upset me and I’m not sure why. I didn’t think it before but now I wonder if I have other feelings for him, too. What do I do?

Anne: Does the male in the trio like her back? Has she acted on her feelings, and has he responded? If so, then I think you have to let the relationship develop and see what happens. If you’re still bothered, then you need to talk with them and tell them of your concern, which I think might center around feeling left out. If they say they want to explore a new relationship, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. If you’ve never thought of the guy as a boyfriend before now, then you’re most likely not really attracted to him. Let that idea go. I’m sorry.

Dee: It’s sad but true, three’s a crowd. It’s a fact that three is the number that first allows stability—three legs will support a chair or table or a tripod. But people aren’t chairs (there’s a piece of profound wisdom). Three people in a relationship rarely works out, especially if one of them is of the opposite sex of the other two. If your friends are pairing off, sure, go ahead and tell them you feel hurt and left out. Chances are, they’re going to say back that they’re sorry but get over it. (Maybe they’ll be nicer than that…) You could then tell them to fuck off, but they probably will go and do half of that suggestion, and then you’ll feel worse. If you want to get back at them for dumping you, wait awhile before doing anything (letting air out of his tires while they’re on a date, posting a nasty story about her on a school blog). If you don’t, they’ll know it was you and all hell will break loose.

Of course, there is the possibility he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. In that case, you have the choice of letting things go and seeing if they fall back into the regular pattern, or you could try going out with him yourself and make your girlfriend feel as lousy and left out as you’ve been feeling. (I had to say that because otherwise, I agree with Anne, and God knows I can’t let that happen!)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Fatherhood? Puh-leeze!

Q: I have a male friend who just started dating a girl I don't like. She told him she is pregnant from her previous boyfriend. Now my friend wants to marry her because she needs help and has nowhere else to turn. I’m crazy over this because I think he is throwing his life away. He hasn't graduated from high school yet but he thinks he can make it work. What do I tell him?

Incredulous Best Friend

Anne: Incredulous, you don’t tell us if you’re a boy or girl, but either way, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. While his intentions are admirable, it sounds as though he’s on the wrong track. He needs someone to explain a few facts of life to him—the difficulty of finding work without a diploma, the costs, both financial and emotional, of dealing with a baby in the house (especially one that’s not his), the great danger of entering into a marriage where love and trust aren’t established. Is there a family member—yours or his—who he trusts enough to listen to? Or a minister, teacher or coach, maybe? I hope someone gets through to him before he makes a mistake that will affect three people.

Dee: See? THIS is why teens should not have the right to vote. Or drink or drive. Your friend has a head full of mush. Blow in his ear (only if you’re a girl, please, and I think you are because guys just don’t use words like “incredulous”) and see if you can clear some space for him to listen up.

There are places for girls who are prego to get help. Heck, maybe even the baby’s father would be interested in stepping up to the plate. Does she know that he won’t? If not, she still has options. Once your friend leaves school, his options for success are cut in half, even if he gets a GED. The longer he tries to align the costs of a family with a beginning job, and the longer he stays married, the harder it will be for him to break out and change the path he’s going down. If they should stay together long enough to add another child to the mix, well, I fear for his sanity.

I could be wrong. Could be things are hard but they persevere and end up making a good life. But the odds are greatly against them. Hell, the odds are against two people who are out of college, madly in love and NOT pregnant with someone else’s child, thanks very much.

Your friend’s heart is full of the joy of caring and giving and rose petals for the little one. Tell him to wake up. He ain’t Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t die and put him in charge. (Actually, I guess a rabbit did die, but work with me, here.) Tell him to clear his mind of hearts and flowers and think of the worst case scenario. Chances are very good this chick is going to dump him in a year or so because he’s working too hard and the baby cries too much and he’s never around to help her with “alone time.” He’ll end up paying child support for someone else’s kid and kicking himself all the way to his place behind the French fryer at McDonald’s.

If he’s smart instead of idealistic (which I doubt) he’ll point the girl to the nearest a)family member who might care, b)church, c)social services office, or someplace other than his parents’ basement, where he envisions living with her in wedded bliss.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A little foreplay on the drive home

Q: I need advice on how to handle a problem I have with my boyfriend. Whenever we drive anywhere, he likes me to sit right next to him and play with his "private parts.” I like doing it but I wonder if people in trucks and on the street can see what I am doing. He said don't worry about it but I do.


Anne: Worried, the first thing I thought when I read your question is how dangerous that is. If your boyfriend is really concerned for you and not the titillation of what you do to him, he should have you sit where you can be “belted” in. Tell him you’ll play with his privates when you’re safely off the roadways. I’d say he could play with his own thingy while driving, but he should keep both hands on the wheel. Remember, safety first!

Dee: Worried, Jack and I drove a truck for years, and I can tell you, truckers can (and do!) see what goes on in cars beside them. I remember once, Jack drove for miles beside a car while a girl gave her boyfriend a BJ. I finally had to cover his eyes to get him to speed by them. (Just kidding.)

Did they know they could be seen? Well, yeah. Is it more exciting to receive (or give) a BJ when you're being watched? Well, YEAH.

Should you sit beside your sweetie and fiddle around while cruising down the road? Personally, I care more about my life than whether Jack gets felt up, so I wear a safety belt at all times in the car. Beyond safety, a lot of states require a seat belt and will ticket the driver if a passenger isn’t wearing one. I do agree with Anne on the safety first warning. However...

Barring those considerations, if you’re just driving around town at 20-25 MPH and your chances of flying through the windshield with a hard stop is nil, hey, why not? People in pickups will be able to watch, but who cares (unless the person is your mom or dad or preacher)? On the way home from dinner or a movie, a little in-the-car foreplay might be just the extra spark to strike before a lusty romp at home.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Cutting the Cheese Without a Knife

Q: I have a strange problem. I am not lactose intolerant, but I do have a weird reaction to cheese. There’s no way to put it delicately so I’ll just say it. When I eat cheese I...um...fart. And not those quiet killers, either. I mean, there’s a vibration in the room when I let go, which I assure you I try not to do. It happens with any kind of cheese from cottage to American. The recommended solutions not only don’t prevent the problem, they make it worse.

So here’s my dilemma. Just yesterday, my boss requested that my husband and I accompany him and his wife to a wine and cheese party. It’s for business. Important clients will be there and a possible needed and deserved promotion depends on my making a good impression.

I can’t say I’m lactose intolerant—he’s seen me eating yogurt and adding sour cream to potatoes—but I’m scared of disastrous consequences. The wine will make me loopy and the cheese, well... I don't want to go there. Do you have any suggestions?

Anne: Oh, no! You poor dear!! Is there such a think as a cheese allergy? Call your doctor right away and ask him to help you out with a prescription or maybe a medical excuse to get out of the party. The only other thing I can suggest is for you to nurse a glass of wine all night and casually drop any cheese squares that end up on your plate into the potted plants.

Best of luck to you!

Dee: My dad had a saying he lived by: It’s better to fart and bear the shame than to stop the fart and bear the pain. He used the same reasoning with belching. Gosh. No wonder mom thought he was such a romantic.

Eat before you leave home so you’ll have food in your stomach. Then, as Anne suggested, make a glass of wine last. Consult your doctor. Hopefully medical science has come up with an answer to this problem that's plagued cheese-heads since before there was a Wisconsin.

Barring that, borrow a dog. You know the kind, something cute and kinda small that you can carry around under your arm. If you find you actually have to eat a cheese ball, feed one to the dog, too. Then when you let loose, turn to the pooch and say, “Bad dog!” It's unfair, but no one ever thinks poorly of the dog.