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Monday, April 27, 2009

Remote Control

Q: My boyfriend likes to watch TV all the time. I mean all the time. And it’s not like he watches “men’s” shows, like sports. I could get into Bears football or Giants baseball. Or man, give me a good hockey game and I’m with you, but he watches Iron Chef and House Hunters International. I’d rather be out playing a little touch football or slugging down a beer at the corner bar—anything but watching that crap. I love the jerk, and when he tears himself away from the boob tube, the sex is fucking fantastic. What’s your advice?

Anne: Um…I’m at a loss for words.

Dee: Well, that doesn't happen often. Fortunately, I’m not. Have him tested for an abnormally high level of estrogen—or take shots of it yourself. One of you is a changeling.

Seriously, you have to ask us for advice? Come to an agreement on the number of hours a week you will watch TV and then divide that number in thirds. One third he can watch whatever he wants, one third is yours and one third you have to watch together. I’m not commenting on who controls the sex—that’s for y’all to figure out, as is who leads when you dance.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Not Ready for Breakup

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he’s going to break up with me if I don’t um…take him in my mouth. I love him and I don’t want to break up, but I hate the very idea of you know, doing that. What should I do?

Anne: Are you sure he really means this? It seems to me he’s being unreasonable if he loves you. Talk to him. Tell him the distaste (no pun intended) you feel for the oral sex act. If he loves you, he should try to see your side of this. Don’t feel alone—a lot of women do not care for doing it.

Dee: Look, I agree. Ask him what he means exactly. If he says he truly is breaking up if you don’t give him head, then put on your big girl pants and decide what you’re going to do. If you hate having his penis in your mouth, then draw the line. Regardless of how much you “love” him, you’ll eventually grow resentful if you feel he’s forcing you into something disgusting. In that case, call it quits (this way you’re the one ending it) and be on the lookout for a man more interested in your feelings. Be aware though, I’ve never met a man who didn’t love oral sex. When they’re on the receiving end, at least.

If you’re willing to give it a try, let him know you’re a novice and that you need to learn how best to handle the act. If he balks or tries to rush you, tell him if you get nervous you might bite down. That should keep him in line. By the way, I think he’s a jerk for making this ultimatum. Man does not shrivel and die if he doesn’t get oral sex. Tell him I said so.

And here’s another tip: quit being a baby. It’s “give head,” “suck,” “BJ or blow job” instead of “you know, doing that.” Grow up. (This goes for you, too, Anne. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re my sister.) Men love to hear a woman use those terms. But only if she’s going to do them. If you decide to suck him, use the words sure to incite and let him know you’re ready and willing, not being dragged kicking and screaming.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

To Easter Bunny or Not To Easter Bunny?

Q: I had to write immediately because I’m so steamed. My husband, four-year-old son and I went to my mother-in-law’s for Easter dinner. This is the first holiday we’ve shared with them because we’ve been overseas since before our son was born. While there, my sister-in-law’s twelve-year-old told my son that there is no Easter Bunny. My son said yes there was—he’d just received a basket of goodies that morning, whereupon my nephew told my little boy that his parents are liars. He taunted my child until he cried uncontrollably and we had to leave. My sister-in-law refused to discipline her kid, and worse, after we finally calmed our little guy down enough to nap—with his big, furry stuffed Easter Bunny he just got today—my husband admitted he wasn’t upset.

He said when he was growing up his parents didn’t lie to him and his sister about fictional creatures like Santa or the Easter Bunny. He said he’s only been humoring me because he knew it was important to me, but now that the facts are out in the open it won’t hurt. I understand the religious significance of the day, but see no harm in a little fantasy. I’m furious, both over the incident and with my husband’s attitude. I don’t even want our son around his family, now.

Anne: Well, sorry, but you can’t very well keep your child away from his grandparents and other relatives. But I would explain to them that this is your son, and they need to respect your methods of raising him. It’s a shame this happened, but children have short memories. I’ll bet next year he’ll be looking for that basket again, oblivious to this morning’s trauma. Dee looked for baskets until she was well into her teens…

Dee: Yes, I still look for baskets at Easter. But it all started when a certain twin stole my baskets when we were children. I therefore became deprived. It was but a short leap to depraved, and I became the erotic romance writer I am today.

Now for my advice. Screw your sister-in-law and the horse she rode in on. If she doesn’t want child-rearing advice from you, she’d better respect your methods—and that includes explaining to her kid how to behave around a young child. Any twelve-year –old who taunts a four-year-old needs to be knocked upside the head to begin with, in my opinion, and I’ve got a 2x4 handy.

Now excuse me while I go find my missing Peeps.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Jell-O Shot Hell

Q: My company has some killer parties. Technically they’re part of our quarterly meetings, but my bosses are kinda wild men and young, so they use any excuse to have a blowout.

Anyway, I couldn’t stay long at the first “meeting,” so I missed the party part. But I made up for it at the second—I’d never had Jell-O shots before. THEY ARE AWSOME.. I got a little polluted and when I drink I, um... get flirtatious (putting it mildly). I came on to a colleague. He isn't my boss, but he’s in enough of a position to make me REALLY WORRY. He’s not married or anything, and he turned me down, but still…. How do I handle this at work? I see him EVERY DAY! Help! I'm
In Jell-O Shot Hell

Anne: Let this be a lesson—alcohol and work do not mix! At your next quarterly meeting, drink tea, or coffee or even Tom Collins mix with a twist of lemon. No one will know the difference and you won’t embarrass yourself. For now, I’d say act as though nothing happened and hope he does the same. If he brings it up, apologize and swear that Jell-O shots are a thing of the past at office parties. If he’s a gentleman, the incident went (and will go) no farther.

Dee: Well, you little slut you. (And I mean that as a compliment.) Get a couple of Jell-O shots in you and you go, girl! So, okay, I say step back and think for a minute. You made a fool of yourself. If the man hasn’t done the same or worse a hundred times himself, he’s no man you want to waste yourself on. Let it go. It’s not like you stripped for him, played tonsil tag and rubbed The Girls against his broad, strong chest while unzipping his pants and begging his Bad Boy to come out and show you why he’s bad. No, it’s not like you did that. And, uh, *crossing fingers* not like I did that, either…