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Monday, December 28, 2009

Is This the Year?

Q: Every year I hope for a marriage proposal on New Year's Eve, and for four years I've been disappointed. This past summer I broke off with my boyfriend after five years of dating. Last week he asked me to a party on Dec 31 but I've already accepted an invitation with someone else. My old boyfriend says he has something important to ask me, and now I think he really means to pop the question. Should I break my date and take another chance on him, or move on? I'm 31 and want a chance for happiness and a family, but I can't help it, I love this schmuck.

Anne: This close to New Year's Eve, it wouldn't be very fair to your current date to cancel. Besides, your old boyfriend doesn't exactly have a very good track record. Isn't last week a little late to ask you? Explain that you already have a date for the big night, but that you'd be happy to see him on New Year's Day and he can ask you the question then.

Dee: It seems to me the guy is either shocked by your break up and has finally seen the light, or he wants to push the envelope and see how tied to him you really are. I have the feeling it's the latter, which means nothing but bad things. If he really had feelings for you he'd ask you to marry him now, without waiting for the 31st. That way he would be assured you'd be his date for the beginning of the new year. Do not break your date. Your old boyfriend is playing games and you deserve better. (I assume.)

Monday, December 21, 2009

Wishing you all...

...love, laughter, and all the wishes of your heart.

Here's offering prayers for our service men and women and their families, for guidance for our poor, pea-brained politicians in D.C. and that God will continue blessing us.

May you have a blessed, safe and happy Christmas. We'll be back next week.

Anne and Dee

Monday, December 14, 2009

Those Pesky Little People to Buy For

Q: What do I give those people I associate with but hardly know for Christmas? This is a problem every year.

Anne: It depends on how much you want to spend and how personal you'd like the gift to be. Flowers, candy, gift cards to stores or restaurants--even fast food restaurants. I know of someone who buys $1 lottery tickets and that's what she gives in a nice card. Most stores have "Under $10…Under $15…Under $25" gift sections, so shop there. I always find it's a good idea to have some of those gifts on hand for that last minute guest who surprises you with a gift.

Dee: I always find it's a good idea to have some of those gifts on hand for that last minute guest who surprises you with a gift. If they surprise you, then too bad for them. A heartfelt, "Fuck! I thought we weren't exchanging gifts this year," should be sufficient. And to my way of thinking, if you hardly know someone you shouldn't have to give them anything. Isn't that why the holiday has gone to hell in a hand basket?? I swear, the same people who complain Christmas has become too commercial are the very ones who rush out to make sure the mailman or their beautician or the newspaper boy gets a gift. As for me, bah, humbug to all those people.

Unless you have a fruitcake you're trying to pawn off, be pleasant, smile, make each day a good one for those you interact with and forget trying to be nice on that one special day a year. That way, every day will be more like Christmas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

About to Pop the Question

Q: I can't believe I'm writing you two. It's not like I'm a romance novel fan or anything, but I know my girlfriend reads this blog so I thought I'd try to find out in a backhanded way if my suspicions are correct.

I have a ring burning a hole in my pocket that I planned to give to her this Christmas. Then while she and my mom and sister were out shopping yesterday I discovered when it rang that she left her cell phone at the house. I answered and a man's voice asked for her. He sounded very surprised to hear another man (me) on the other end. He said to let her know that Kenny's flight had been changed from Monday to Sunday, and that he couldn't wait to see her at the airport. When I asked for a number, he said she had it. I know she doesn't have brothers and I've never heard her mention a Kenny in the four years we've been dating. I have noticed in the last few months that she's cancelled dates every now and then--nothing major, nothing that made me suspect she was seeing someone else on the side. Now I'm not so sure. What do you think?

Anne: This isn't what I think it's what I know: ask her about this phone call now, immediately, without waiting another minute. Otherwise your suspicions will fester and there might be a logical explanation. If it's as bad as you think, better to find out now rather than after you ask her to marry you, or (yikes!) after you've said your vows.

Dee: Wake up and smell the fishsticks.

This is what I'd suggest. Before Sunday, take her out for a good dinner and then surprise her by going to a great hotel. Enjoy some wine and chocolate covered strawberries, then climb into a Jacuzzi. Last, carry her to bed and knock yourself out having the best sex the two of you have ever had. Give her one…two…three orgasms. Then ask her WTF this guy Kenny is doing calling her cell and sounding like a long lost bed buddy. If she has a good explanation (which, cynic that I am I tend not to think she will), then hooray. You've had a good time and a good laugh. If she admits to cheating, then she'll at least know what she'll be giving up. Unless...the sex isn't all that great between you two. In which case I agree with Anne: better to know now than later.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Holiday Stress

Q: Any ideas on how to minimize stress during the holiday season? Each year I get more and more hyper, starting with the shopping rush the day after Thanksgiving to the point I practically crash after New Year's.

Anne: Plan more special family and friend times where you can be casual and unhurried. Then determine that you will remain casual and unhurried. Agree to fewer gifts. Shop during the year for inexpensive present you might give teachers, mailmen, etc. so they will be ready far in advance. Cook ahead early in the fall and freeze some of the food you would normally prepare during the season. Anything you buy ahead, wrap ahead, too. (Be sure to label so you don't have to unwrap to discover what the gift is. I'm speaking from experience here.)

Dee: You know what I'm going to suggest as a stress reliever. Sex every day, maybe more than once a day. Screwing will not only relieve stress, it'll help keep those pesky holiday pounds off. Nothing says Happy Holidays like a good fuck.

I say look for sales and give everyone that same item. Boxes of fruit, socks, cases of motor oil--whatever. Everyone needs one of those things at some point. A lot of places online will wrap and send an item so you don't even have to deal with it personally. I like those. Or on a more serious note, gift cards are easy to buy, easy to give and appreciated. What I will say is don't try to give something time-consuming after July. For instance, don't try to knit a sweater for your sister in November. Talk about stress… Anne, I hope you'll like your gift card to Denny's.

Monday, November 23, 2009

In-laws Thanksgiving...Again

Q: Oh goody, another Thanksgiving at my in-laws. My wife is the only girl in a family of five boys, so we get roped into spending the holiday there every year so she can help her mom. We live a mere hundred miles away, but the brothers all live closer by more than half the distance. Mind you, the daughters-in-law (there are four of them) don't have to show up every year, or go early to help prepare. By the end of the day, my wife is frazzled, exhausted and cranky. You know what that means: no sex for me that night, something for which I'd be very grateful. Her mom goes crazy over family holidays, so my wife can't find a way to tell her mom she doesn't want to keep on doing this. I'm just sick and tired of having my Thanksgiving being the only thing getting fucked. What's a man to do?

Anne: Gosh, seems like every year we have several letters about holidays and families. Your problem is not uncommon. Try talking to your father-in-law and see if he's any help. Or talk to your mother-in-law if you have good rapport with her. Invite everyone to your house one year, or suggest a family holiday but at a good restaurant. A lot of places prepare holiday dinners to pick up. Suggest you bring in dinner, which will greatly minimize the prep time, leaving your wife with more energy for bedtime pleasures.

Dee: May I ask, what the hell is wrong with you doing something to alleviate the problem? If your wife really doesn't want to keep being cook and chief bottle washer but she doesn't want to disappoint her mom, grow a pair and take matters into your own hands. Make vacation reservations somewhere and let the family know that there will be two fewer at the table next Thanksgiving. Your wife shouldn't be the bad cop here--this is her mother. Be an alpha guy and take charge. Treat her and yourself at the same time.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Adding a Little Weight to the Argument

Q: My fifteen-year-old daughter is very overweight. I've tried everything I can do to make her lose weight--I've used shame, encouragement and downright bribery--but it does no good. I'm a single father (widowed) who feels he's done a pretty good job in general, but on this one issue only, I wish her mom and I hadn't split. Suggestions, please?

Anne: I sympathize with your dilemma. Here are a few things I might try: enlist the help of a lady friend whom your daughter knows and likes; if she likes cooking, introduce her to books like Cook Yourself Slim or Hasty Tasty Meals by our friend Cheryl Norman, and help her see that lower fat and calorie dishes can taste wonderful; set a good example yourself by not eating fatty and high calorie foods (make sure foods like that are out of the house); or spend father-daughter time doing something active together like taking a walk after dinner or team tennis or swimming. Make sure she knows that you think she's beautiful no matter how she looks but upon her impress your concern for her self-esteem and health. Good luck to both of you.

Dee: Anne gave all good suggestions. I know also there are weight-loss camps where she would receive counseling and learn better eating habits with other kids who have the same problem. If you have some extra cash, investigate a spa--same concept but with a more acceptable name for a teenage girl. Did you have a weight problem as a teen? If so, share your story. If you have a weight problem now, buck up and get with it so your daughter can see you mean "do what I do, not just what I say."

BYW, I liked the little back-handed slap you gave your ex: "… on this one issue only, I wish her mom and I hadn't split." Good one, Pop.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Love Thy Military

This week, we were going to use a question we received from a wife who had trouble with a Navy husband. Dee had prepared her usual flip, irreverent remarks. In light of last week's horrific events at Ft. Hood and the fact that Veteran's Day is two days off, we're declining to use the question or to blog this week.

Instead, we're bowing our heads and saying a prayer for the military families who've suffered loss and thanking God for our armed services and their loved ones, all of whom sacrifice for us.

That's not to say we're Pollyannas about the military. Like every large organization, they have their good and bad. But this week, we just want to think about the good.

Thank you, Navy, Marine Corps, Army, Air Force and Coast Guard!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Pleasing the Boss...Or Not

Q: OMG! I have just been told the work I've spent months putting together isn't right, doesn't work, isn't "it," whatever the hell "it" is. I loved this project and thought I had everything but everything right. I thought I was going to get a bonus for good work. Now I'm confused and angry and nervous. What can I do?

Anne: Talk to your boss and ask what exactly you did wrong or didn't do at all, and whether you can revise. See if he or she will give you specific tips using examples from the work you did. If there is something you did that you feel strongly about, defend your position--maybe your boss hasn't thought of the point from a different angle. Once you have specific ideas on how to improve the work, make the revisions as quickly as possible and try to sit down with your boss to go over them.

Dee: The way I see it, you have three choices: 1) follow Anne's advice and try to knuckle under to whatever the boss wants you to do--if you can ever get him/her to tell you in terms both of you understand, 2) say "Fuck it!" and try to find someplace that wants your talent and work as you want to do it, or 3) give it up and try something you can actually do well. Maybe you're just not cut out to be whatever it is you're attempting.

I can't advise on which is the best plan for you, but since what I do usually has fucking in it (one way or the other), I'd probably opt for #2. Good luck to you.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Unfriendly Business

Q: I entered into a business relationship with a friend and now I'm in trouble. Help!

My friend and I have known each other since elementary school. We've always seen eye to eye on everything until now. I had what I thought was a great idea for a catering company. She loves to cook and I'm good at business, so I thought it would be a dream come true for both of us. She agreed...until we actually started the business. Now we argue over everything from how to decorate cookies to how to advertise. We have obligations, so we can't just walk away--although I've felt like it and I'm sure she has, too. What can we do?

Anne: As you say, you have obligations so you shouldn't walk away. Is there someone you can use as an arbitrator? Maybe that person could make sure you each have some input (not control) into the other's domain but mostly focus on your own areas of expertise.

If you don't have someone like that, then I'd say you need to lay down some ground rules and follow them. You should each have a vote on what the other does, but only with an explanation--none of this "I don't like the way you're doing this or that." There needs to be a business reason. For instance, if your friend is baking Christmas cookie to sell in July, it should only be if you both decided to have a Christmas in Summertime promotion.

Dee: I was disappointed when you said your friend was a woman. I was going to suggest you screw every time there's a dispute. You might still disagree but at least you'll have fun doing it.

Fights are a normal part of business. You need to develop a game plan and stick with it. Don't fuck with the other person's arena. You went into catering for a reason and with a friendship. Don't forget it!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bridesmaid Blues

Q: Anne and Dee, I am 35 and once again being asked to be a bridesmaid. A friend I had in high school and with whom I've had only a brief acquaintance since, has asked me to attend her in her wedding. This is her second. I've yet to have one. If I had had one, I don't think I would have thought to ask this woman to be my bridesmaid--we just haven't been that close in the past few years. However, I'm still of the opinion that bridesmaids have the best shot at meeting men at weddings, so I'm considering her offer. What's the cost of one more hideous dress if there's the chance of meeting a single guy--especially one willing to go to a wedding?

Anne: Go easy on yourself. You're a mature woman who wants a meaningful relationship with a mature man. There's nothing at all wrong with that. However, why go to weddings to meet men, especially a wedding for a person to whom you don't feel any real connection? Develop hobbies where you might meet men, join church or social clubs. Get a dog and walk it to strike up conversations with men--it sounds cheesy but evidently works. Be open and friendly and patient. Princes are still out there, and they're not all hanging out at weddings.

Dee: I detect the whiff of desperation, and if I do from a note, your dates do across the table. Relax. Take a deep breath. There's nothing magical about the age of 35 that means the world has curled up in the hand basket rolling its way to Hell. Stand straight, woman. Hold up your head and show a little confidence in yourself. Nothing intrigues a man more than a woman who shows some spine. Remind yourself that not all men acting single at a wedding are single…or straight. There are better ways and places to meet men. Try acting less like you need or want a man. Perhaps then one will be willing to take the leap.

Or…go to the wedding and screw the night away if you find someone interesting. No need to waste an opportunity where there will be flowing booze and guys seeking a chance to get laid. Who knows what might come from a little casual sex?

Monday, October 12, 2009

Men in Uniform--Who Can Resist?

Q: I'm attending school in Norfolk, Virginia as a freshman. I live in Kansas and have a steady boyfriend who's going to Kansas State. He says he's staying true to me and I believe him. However, I'm almost to the point where I can't keep saying the same to him. I'm surrounded my military guys all the time, and what they say about a man looking good in uniform is so true. I've made friends with a couple of really nice men, a sailor and a marine. So far we've just gone out as part of a gang, but I'm really attracted to both guys and they've indicated they're attracted to me, too. What should I do? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, and I don't want to cheat, but I feel myself weakening.

Anne: Long distance relationships are very hard. If you and your boyfriend pledged to stay faithful, then you have to try hard to do so. Freshman year is difficult and you're far from home. Take stock of what you really want and truly feel. If it's your boyfriend, hang tough even though you might be lonely. Don't give into the thrill of a quick romance with a virtual stranger who might be at a distance himself in a month or so.

Dee: Going away to school is only a little about getting a good education. Heck, you could have done that much closer to home. It's mostly about seeing new horizons and finding out about life. I am NOT recommending experimenting with sex drugs and alcohol, but I am saying that being in a new place among new people is part of discovering what you want out of life. You and your boyfriend should be dating, learning about other people and finding out your true feelings. If you love each other, it'll come through even after dating others. This is no time to tie yourself down to one person or place. Just be sure not to do anything harmful or that you'll regret. This isn't a time to go wild, just spread your wings in a new segment of your life.

By the way, Anne and I are also here among the uniformed men of the US military, and all I can say is hubba-hubba.

Monday, October 5, 2009

To Tell or Not to Tell...?

Q: I saw the husband of a friend in a restaurant with another woman. They were pretty touchy-feely. I have no idea what to do--should I tell or not?

Anne: Is this woman a good friend or just an acquaintance? If she's a good friend, I would tell her. Maybe there's a simple explanation. If there isn't, she needs to know. Then she can make her own decision as to how to handle the situation.

Dee: I can tell you right now, if you tell her she won't appreciate it. If he has a good reason, he'll be ticked that you were trying to cause trouble and she'll think you had ulterior reasons for snitching. If he's actually a cheating bastard, she won't like your knowing--especially if she doesn't take action against him. Tell her if you want, but don't be surprised if you lose a friend in the process.

[Note: Dee and I are in the process of moving, so we aren't able to respond to your posts. Hopefully we'll be back online again next week. Please stop back and visit again then.]

Monday, September 28, 2009

Don't Throw Out the Bike!

Q: My son will be 16 in a couple of months, and he wants a car in the worst way. I'm a single father and really can't afford to buy him one, especially in this economy when work is uncertain. To his credit, he's worked summers and after school for the past several years and saved a good bit of that money. I've had college costs in mind for it, but now I find that he's had a car planned. How can I handle this situation and not make him an angry teen?

Anne: Gosh, the teen years are the hardest to deal with. I would sit down and talk the problem out. Has he found a car he likes? Does he know the costs of insurance and maintenance? Does he know the responsibility required? In other words, does he know that owning a car is much more than the car itself? Once all the cards are on the table, maybe the two of you can come to an agreement.

Dee: Look, I agree with everything Anne says. Maybe looking for a car is something the two of you can do together and bond a little. But I'd also add that you are the parent. Sometimes it's your job to lay down the law. Try to be reasonable and hope that he is, too, but in the end you might have to say no--and mean it. Not having a car at 16 isn't the end of the world, as a good many of us know. Your son might have to discover it, too, and he'll survive just like we did.

[Note: Dee and Anne will be on the road this week and will be unable to answer posts. I hope you'll forgive our lack of response!]

Monday, September 21, 2009

No Treats, Please!!

Q: I have a weight problem--and a husband problem. Every time I try to lose weight my husband brings me little treats--candy or Danish or chocolate. I've protested and asked him please not to, but he makes a joke that he just loves me as I am and doesn't understand why I get so involved in diets. I don't understand why he doesn't support me. What can I do?

Anne: Does your husband has a weight problem himself? I'm sure he does love you the way you are--weight has nothing to do with a person being loveable, after all. I'd say sit him down and turn the tables. Ask him to describe something he really wants to accomplish. It might be a hobby project, a fishing trip away or even watching a ball game. Now ask him how he would feel if you did something at every turn that kept him from finishing. No doubt he would become frustrated. Tell him that's how you feel when he doesn't help you accomplish your weight loss. Maybe making the problem personal to him will help.

Dee: If you're anxious to lose weight it also means you're anxious to gain some control of your life, your looks and your health. To me, if your husband is trying to prevent your success it means he doesn't want you to have control. Now, why would that be? That's the basis of the problem. His plying you with food is simply a symptom of his need to control.

Of course, he doesn't force you to eat the food he brings. Tell hubby you appreciate that he loves you as you are, but you would feel better physically and emotionally if you lost weight. Then throw out the food he brings--in front of him. He will soon stop bringing it.

I'll also bet that as you start making progress he'll come around to being the suppoort you want and need. If not, well, you have to decide if you want to stay with the jerk or dump someone who doesn't want you to succeed for whatever reason.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Old Dog Learning New Tricks?

Q: Maybe I just need to sound this out. I'm not even sure I have a problem, but let me tell you what happened a month or so ago. My husband of 20 years went to Texas for a week's conference for his work. When he returned, he seemed different. Not drastically, not in a huge way, but subtly. He wanted to shop for clothes the first weekend back and bought a cardigan sweater. I've known the man for most of my life and I've never seen him in a cardigan. He's made an appointment to get Lasik surgery, saying he was tired of wearing glasses. He started jogging again the day after he got home, after giving up the activity for the past five years. He's not distant but maybe a little preoccupied. He mentioned last night that he needs to return to Texas for client meetings in a month or so, though he doesn't normally handle that region. Should I be worried?

Anne: Gosh, that does sound strange. Why don't you suggest going with him if it's possible? If he makes all kinds of excuses, maybe you should worry a bit, but I hate for you to borrow trouble. As he spruces up, maybe you should also. Try jogging with him, pick up on healthful eating if he's looking to lose weight or take more than a normal interest in his business or hobby or whatever. But if things continue not to feel right, don't hesitate to ask him about his Texas trip and why he's different. Even if the news is bad it's better to know than to wonder.

Dee: Animals find out about each other by scent. Dogs stick their noses right in where the sun don't shine to discover who another dog is and where he's been. So don't be afraid to be a bitch (so to speak) and sniff, Honey. To me, you might well get the whiff of another dog hanging around. Men are dogs in some ways, and it's easy after many years of being with one woman to be flattered into the arms of another. Put a stop to it now before it goes too far. Unlike dogs, make sure your husband (and the little, yippy bitch nipping at his heels) knows that you are the one he'd better be humping--or you'll take his little doggie balls in your hand and squeeze. This is no time to be subtle.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Family Time

Q: Aren't holidays supposed to be for everyone in the family? Well, my wife wants to spend every fucking one with her parents at their "country place," which is really just a cabin on some piss-ant lake in northwest Minnesota. It takes us four hours to drive up if we get out of the cities early and usually more than 6 hours to drive home since every fucking person in Minnesota drives back from long weekends at the same time. I can't tell you the number of games I've missed the ends of, or the number of hours I've had to spend in the car with her yapping and the fucking kids arguing. Her dad goes along with the arrangement because he's a fucking whipped pussy.

I've told my wife and told her that I don't want to do this, but does she fucking listen?? What can I do that will make my point in a way she understands?

Anne: Just don't go. Give her the keys and tell her to have fun. I somehow think she will.

Dee: Your father-in-law is a whipped pussy??? I hate to tell you, guy, but you're writing two women for advice on how to tell handle your wife. You can't get more whipped than that.

And for the record, the only person who gets to use "fucking" around here is me, got it? the next time you write for advice, be polite…or I'll sic your wife on you.

Monday, August 31, 2009

UVA Shy-Guy

Q: I'm a shy (painfully so) 17-year old guy who's starting freshman year at the U. of Virginia. I clam up whenever I'm around girls. What can I do to meet someone nice who won't make me feel like hurling wit nerves?

Anne: Poor thing! I'm shy myself, so I can sympathize. Unfortunately, there's no easy cure. The thing that works best--I think--is to try to meet someone who shares your interests, and then you have something to build on. So if you attend church, join the youth group and meet girls who also like going to church. Strike up a conversation with girls in your classes, giving you a ready topic. Also, sometimes you can double date with a girl a friend sets you up with. Then you aren't alone, relying on either your date or you to keep up all the conversation. One more thing. Don't expect everything to work out in the first week you're at school. There will be enough going on that's new and different. Take time to acclimate yourself before adding pressure to date. Good luck.

Dee: What she said.

And this. If you'd gone to VMI like Jack did, you'd have had all the dates in the world because everyone knows guys in uniform are nigh impossible to resist. Or at least, that's what Jack kept telling me.

Monday, August 24, 2009

If Music Be the Food of Love...forget it

Q: This may seem like a small problem but my woman and I don't like the same music. At all. I think she's cool in most ways. I mean, she's smart and funny and hot as hell. She tears the sheets up in bed. But I can't stand to be in a car with her. The woman listens to COUNTRY music. Who would think such a hot chick would like music that makes me want to hurl?? If a tune isn't blowing out the speakers with rock guitar, it ain't music, but I can't convince her. She changes the station as soon as we get in my car, and bitches if I tune in my favorite station in hers. More than that, we can't ever go out to nightclubs, concerts or bars because we can't agree on the music style. Is this a deal breaker?

Anne: Different strokes for different folks. You can try to compromise by keeping the station on her choice in her car and your choice in yours, or you could agree you not to listen to music when you're in the car. As for going out, maybe you should both try something new together like jazz or popular. Give and take is the basis for any relationship. Maybe it seems to you it's all give on your part. I think she might feel it's all on her to give. The two of you need to decide how important music is in your lives.

Dee: I hate to tell you, but "…blowing out the speakers" and "tune" are mutually exclusive terms. If God blessed the woman with looks, brains, humor, a healthy sex drive and (evidently) patience since she's dating you, why is she wasting precious time with someone who wonders if her taste in music is a "deal breaker??" Come on, Dude! She should run, not walk, to the nearest country music concert and find a hottie who knows good music--and a good woman--when he comes across it.

Since you don't like country, here's an oldie group who's playing something just for you: Three Dog Night, One is the Loneliest Number. Is that a deal breaker for you?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Family Moochers

Q: Dee and Anne, I write this note pissed as hell. Every month my husband and I go out to dinner with his sister and her husband. What started a couple of years ago as a fun way to get together regularly has become an infuriating evening for me. My brother-in-law finds ways every month to pass the check off on us. He has laughingly come up with "days" like Brother-in-law Day, Favorite Carpenter Day (he's a carpenter) and so on. When we go to cafeterias, he says he'll decide on a great table, which finagles his way to the front of the group. Of course, his food goes onto our ticket. My sister-in-law is oblivious to what's going on, and my husband just shrugs his shoulders. He says we make more money than the two of them. In reality, he just doesn't want to rock the boat. Okay, so we do make more. That shouldn't be a reason to push those evenings onto us. How can I bring this up without making everyone mad?

Anne: I don't think you can bring it up without upsetting the rest of the group. I know it isn't right, but they're really your husband's sister and brother-in-law. If he isn't upset, maybe you shouldn't be, either. Choose less expensive places to eat and try to enjoy the time you have together. I can almost guarantee if you make this into an issue, feelings will be hurt and you won't be spending any more evenings out together. You need to decide, how important is being with family?

Dee: Here's the deal. Your husband doesn't mind that you all are getting stuck with the nights out. So suck it up. And get real. If you're going to cafeterias for some of your meals, then it's not like you're spending hundreds of dollars on French wine or anything.

Look, lady, it sounds like the only one getting ulcers in this group is you. What does that tell you?

Monday, August 10, 2009

My Son is Getting Married--Maybe

Q: My son is getting married in October. I like his bride all right except she's very opinionated, especially about the wedding. Her parents are overseas and won't be here until a few days before the wedding and both my son and his fiancée work full-time so I volunteered to help her plan everything. The trouble is she's so particular and doesn't appreciate my offer much. I know the city and the venues, and I have a very good sense of style. The girl won't listen to reason, though. I'm afraid this is going to cause trouble between her and my son before they even walk down the aisle. What should I do?

Anne: So are you saying your son agrees with you and not with his intended? I'm sure your sense of style is just wonderful, but are you sure you're being fair? This is her wedding, after all. I'd advise you to make a list of how you think things should be done and compare it to your future daughter in law's list. See where there is agreement. That will show where you need to come to a consensus. But no arguing! This should be a happy time.

Dee: I'm sure you're not trying to be a bitch. Or maybe you are--I'm not one to judge. I have one piece of advice for you. Repeat this mantra: This is not my wedding. This is not my wedding.

The way I see it, unless you are paying for the whole shabang--in which case you do have the right for input if costs are skyrocketing--your job is to give advice when asked. Key words: when asked. If the wedding turns out ugly, a complete mess or nothing the way you envision, know what? You don't have to look at the pictures years from now. Be more concerned with your son's and his new wife's happiness and less about controlling their beginning.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Chunky Hips, Not Fat Head

Q: I am overweight. Not horribly, terribly, but well, I guess a fair amount. I like to eat and enjoy cooking. And I'm good at both. I'm Italian, what can I say? For the first time in my life (I'm 28) I have a boyfriend, Mac, and I think it's getting serious. He's lean and mean without an ounce of body fat. Mac runs (I don't), plays weekend sports (I don't), belongs to a health club (I don't). He's considering taking part in the Boston marathon. If he does, I'll meet him at the finish line. Mac says he loves me no matter what, but his family is a different story. They're all active like Mac, but unlike Mac, I don't feel they will love me no matter what. He's taking me with him and his family to Cape Cod for two weeks this month and I'm so worried I'm making myself sick. What can I do?

Anne: Have you told Mac your fears? I'm sure he would do whatever he could to help. That aside, you have to let his family know that you are happy with yourself. If you are relaxed and confident in your own personality that will come across. That's what it takes to help them see beyond your shape and into your heart.

If your relationship with Mac does continue, maybe being around someone who's active will inspire you to do more. Exercise is a great thing to do with someone else (like someone you love), so I see only a win-win for you. Good luck!

Dee: Normally when someone is worried I say make sure there's plenty of booze and ice cream, but…well you seem to like this Mac guy. Sometimes alcohol isn't the best policy, and ice cream…? Doesn't seem appropriate in the situation, does it? Listen, Mac is the person you love. Let his family see what he loves about you--your humor, your unique perspective on the world, your fantastic risotto--whatever it is. Don't try to be someone you're not. If they don't appreciate you and it's because of your size, well then screw 'em. There's no hope for some people.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Boathouse Virginity

Q: I'm a decent, church-going woman. I'm not young, but I haven't exactly hit middle age yet, either. I'm not married and am a little embarrassed to say I've never let a man get passed third base--and that was a long time ago. Until the company picnic a couple of weeks ago, that is. I was sitting off by the river minding my own business and drinking a Coke when a man (I'll call him Henry) joined me. He was drinking beer, and I could tell he'd had quite a few before he came to sit with me. I didn't mind--I've always liked Henry and thought he was handsome. We could hear the sounds of the softball game and the kids' races, but after we'd talked a few minutes, it all seemed far off. Then Henry kissed me, a deep kiss, and I felt something low in my stomach I'd never felt. Before I knew it, Henry had led me into the boathouse and we had sex. When we were there, I wanted it, really wanted it. But now, after two weeks, I don't know. Henry hardly speaks to me, a few people have stopped talking when I come into the room, and (worst of all) he's married, and to a very nice woman. What can I do? I ruined my reputation and good name all in one afternoon.

Anne: Unfortunately, having sex is not a bell you can unring. But take some heart in knowing you aren't the first woman--or the last--to have an encounter at a company function. It's probably not how you thought you might lose your virginity, but you know what? it's no reason to hang your head, either. I say act like nothing happened--Henry seems to be able to. Hold your head up. What happened is no reflection on your being a decent person. If you associate with decent people, they should see that.

Dee: Under normal circumstances, I'd say you were the one not drinking so you should have controlled things better. But the fact that you were pretty inexperienced (do they even say "get past third base' anymore??) means I'll give you a pass. I'm also going to assume you know for sure your little escapade didn't result in a baby. So let's just deal with the sexual side of things. Did you enjoy the sex? Is that what you regret or is it thinking other people know? Did Henry speak to you much before the picnic, or are you letting guilt color his actions now?

If you enjoyed fucking, then there's no reason why you shouldn't do it again. Not with married, sonuvabitch Henry, but with someone else. If marriage isn't what you're looking for, maybe you have a single friend who would like to become a FWB - Friend With Benefits. There's no reason to stay celibate in this day and age. Not that I'm recommending promiscuity, but a girl does have needs.

But, know what you're getting into. Make sure you're prepared with condoms in case the guy isn't, and take care not to get pregnant or contract an STD. Do not believe a man if he says he's had a vasectomy or that he's clean. Use protection at all times. Touch yourself. Order a vibrator online and find out what you like and what turns you on. Never agree to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. On the other hand, there's more to life than the missionary position, so be open to new things.

You have nothing to feel bad about except maybe the wife. My advice: stay as far away from married men as possible. You fucked up once unexpectedly (pun intended), but you're asking for trouble if you let it happen again. Good luck!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Worried Trucker's Wife

Q: Dee and Anne, I know you were a long distance truck driver with your husband. My husband drives while I stay home with our two girls. I worry about him all the time, not just the danger in driving but the women who are all too eager to keep a lonely trucker company. Tell me honestly, do I have anything to worry about?

Anne: Unfortunately, there are women who frequent truck stops looking to make money. But they don't bother men who don't want to be bothered. Trust your man.

Dee: Puleeze! You can't just say "Trust your man," for Pete's sake. She needs to think about this.

Ms. Trucker, if the opportunity arose, would you feel easy in your heart leaving your hubby home alone for a week? If he worked in an office, would you wonder where he was if he worked late a few nights a week or believe in your heart he was where he said? If he was away on a business trip, would you check his pockets for any hints of infidelity? If you trust him in those situations, then you can trust him on the road alone. If you couldn't trust him in those other situations, then you can't trust him anywhere. The upshot is, if your man's given you good reason to distrust him, then fuck 'em--you can be sure some truck stop mama is.

And there are lots of opportunities to cheat if he has a mind for it. One night a hooker knocked on the truck door. Jack said, "Not tonight, my wife's with me." When she left I slapped him upside the head and demanded, "What do you mean not tonight??" He told me that once the hookers know a woman's in the truck they spread the word. Sure enough, no one knocked the rest of the night. Of course, there was the one who said, "That's okay. She can join in." What a book I could have written back then!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Family Affairs

Q: I told my husband a few years ago (after a couple of drinks) that I thought his brother was a sexy hunk. I assured him nothing had happened between George (that's his brother) and me and never would. He said he understood why I thought so. Now, for last several months, every time we get together with my family I see my husband getting friendly with my sister. Worse, I think she'd flirting with him, too. I mentioned my fears to hubby and he said nothing was happening, and besides, I'd found George sexy so I don't have room to criticize him for thinking my sister was. I didn't even know he remembered my saying that about George. I'm worried. What should I do?

Anne: Talk to your sister and tell her that you know she doesn't mean to, but you're afraid your husband might be mistaking her friendliness for flirting. Ask her to let him know in no uncertain terms that she is not interested. Then talk to your husband again. Remind him that nothing happened between you and his brother and you expect the same will be true about him and your sister. If he knows you're uncomfortable, he should do everything he can to improve the situation.

Dee: Take a digital camera with you to every family occasion. If you see a flirtatious moment, quietly snap a photo. When you have a few pictures, print them and show them to hubby--maybe sis, too--along with word that you've heard of a good divorce lawyer and that you plan to leave him nothing but a few nuts--he'll know which ones you mean. I'll bet sis and hubby don't even sit in the same room after that.

Messing around when you're married is wrong. Messing around with family when you're married is wrong and stupid.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Undies Drawer

Q: This may be a stupid question but Clinton was once asked "Boxers or briefs?" I want to buy my boyfriend some special underwear for his birthday (I intend to embroider a personal message on them) and don't know which to buy--what he already wears or something different. What are your opinions of men's underwear?

Anne: I have to say, I always thought men's underwear should be purchased by a man's wife, not his girlfriend, but I know I'm behind the times. My opinion is to buy him what he already wears. Obviously he's comfortable in them. (By the way, didn't your mother ever tell you the old "A man won't buy a cow if he gets the milk for free" story??)

Dee: Why should it always be women getting the totally stupid, weird sexy lingerie as gifts? I say buy the skimpiest, sexiest piece of underwear ever and then insist he parade around the bedroom in it. If he stuffs it toward the back of his undies drawer, whine and complain about how you buy him nice things and he never wears them. In other words, act like a man.

Back when Anne and I were growing up, a man either wore boxers or briefs and whichever he had, it was white. Since he buys his own, and since it's been a very long time since I embroidered anything "pesonal" on Jack's underwear (not that I'm saying I ever did…), I would have to look in his closet to see what he's wearing these days. However, I did look on the Internet, and I'm really surprised at what you can find in men's underwear these days. It's amazing there are so many styles, colors, shapes and fabrics for something designed just to hold a man's cock. I mean, what kind of designing does it take to come up with something to contain a man's rod and jewels in comfort so he can scratch, rearrange them and take them out to wee-wee?

But, when checking Nuwear's online site, I did find the most delicious pictures. I'm going to return there often. I found one solid white pair of boxer briefs. Everything else was bright and colorful. Most had pockets just to hold the cock. (So how does that work when he has to pee?) There were thongs, and boxers, and G-strings, which I think look just as ridiculous as they do on women. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Whatever you buy, make them easy to get off him. And then show him why you wanted them easy to get off. That's the part of the birthday gift he'll remember most of all.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Ben Wa what?

Q: I just heard from my husband that my sister in law was told by her GYN to purchase ben wa balls. My husband says her husband is thrilled and that their sex since then has been explosive. Now he wants me to get some. What are they, anyway?

Anne: Ben Wa balls have been used for centuries to stimulate a woman sexually. Taoists believed a man gained health and a longer life by absorbing energy created during sex. Part of the practice involved making sure the woman also had satisfaction…though the woman was unimportant enough not to gain long life from the act.
Ben Wa balls, connected with silk ribbons, were inserted into a woman's vagina and held there. With each movement, her inner passage was stimulated, kind of like a sexual buzz.Aside from that, holding the balls inside strengthens the Kegel muscles, which can enhance the man's pleasure during sex. And aside from that, because let's face it, men get plenty enough pleasure from sex, strengthening those muscles can reduce or eliminate involuntary incontinence. I suspect that's the reason your sis-in-law's gynecologist suggested she try the things.

Dee: Yeah, that peeing when you sneeze thing is a bitch. But let's not underestimate the real purpose of the Ben Wa balls, which is to heighten sexual pleasure. Slide a couple of these gems in your puss-puss and wear them during the day. Every move you make they slip a little, turn a little. Some balls have a trinket or ball bearings inside, making stimulation is even stronger. And here's the kicker. No one but you (or your lover) knows what kinky little thing is going on under your skirt or slacks! There are also vibrating Ben Wa balls, great for fun at home on your own or during sex, when you both get a little buzz.

As far as I'm concerned, these are the second best balls to play with. What's first? Ask Jack.

* Photos from Adam & Eve

Monday, June 22, 2009

Jobless in Colorado

Q: I lost my job a month ago. I've looked but there's nothing for me in this area, which is Colorado Springs. I've found a possibility for work--just a possibility--in Texas, but every time I mention it to my wife, she freaks. We've lived here since we were married. We have two kids and her parents live half a mile away. I know it's hard for her to think of moving, but if there's no work, there's no work. Lately there's been no sex, too. What can I do to convince her?

Anne: Jobless, I sympathize totally with you! However, of course it's hard for your wife to think about picking up and moving when she's not even sure there's a job for you in Texas. My advice is to keep looking for work in your hometown but check further into the job in Texas. Maybe if you find there is a job and they're ready to hire you if you relocate, your wife will see the logic. I think right now it's the uncertainty that has her upset. Good luck!

Dee: From my own point of view, there's never a good excuse for not having sex. If someone is withholding from someone else out of spite or anger, then shame! On the other hand, if stress is causing the lack of mattress bouncing, then consider that sex isn't all about intercourse. It's also about cuddling and lending comfort to the person you love. In hard times, this is needed more than ever. And by the way if you or your wife needs a little "Put Tab B into Slot A" guidance, maybe you should pick up a Dee S. Knight or Francis Drake book!

Now to the move. Definitely find out if there's a job in Texas. If there is, maybe you'd go down and work for a short while without your family, just to make sure everything is as you thought it would be, before uprooting everyone. Maybe your in-laws can keep the kids and your wife can go down and check things out with you. And if it looks like you need to move for work, then by golly, your wife will have to bite the bullet and do it. In this day, you take opportunities where you can find them. Pulling together during hard times as well as good is what marriage is all about. And besides, she might find out the adventure of living in a new place is wonderful. Stranger things have happened. I join Anne in saying good luck!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Scared of Fakes

Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have three kids that keep us pretty busy, but we manage to have sex fairly regularly, and it's pretty good. However, about a month ago, he ordered a dildo from some online company, and he wants me to use it while he watches. I'm uncomfortable doing this. What's wrong with what we've been doing?? I told him no, and he accepts it but I can tell he's disappointed. In fact, we haven't had sex since then. Was I wrong?

Anne: I can see that you're uneasy about this, but every marriage needs attention. It sounds as though your husband doesn't think he's getting enough, and with three children, it is hard to find time for yourselves. There's no harm in spicing things up a bit. If you're uncomfortable with the sex toy, maybe you could try some sexy lingerie. Or send the kids off for the night and have sex in a different room than the bedroom. You don't have to go over the edge to add some spice to your sex life.

Dee: Good grief, Anne. You think using a dildo is going over the edge? I'd say maybe using a butt plug or strap on might be a little far for novices, but a dildo??

Okay, Ms. Scared of Fakes, why did your husband buy the dildo? I suspect it's because you have sex "fairly regularly" and it's "pretty good." Men might put up with pretty good sex, fairly regularly, but what they want is explosive sex, often. So embrace this hint by hubby that he's interested in a change. There's no need to be afraid--Mr. Dildo can be your friend. Here's what you do.

Did hubby buy a cleaner for the dildo? If so, follow directions to clean and dry it (if not, use a mild hand soap). (Don't get the battery compartment wet if it has one.) Is it a vibrator? Make sure it has batteries. Then… Prop pillows in the center of the bed. When you're ready, turn the lights down low--not out, because the whole purpose here is to watch you. Turn TV off!! Make sure the bedroom door is secured so kiddies don't wander in, and prop yourself on the pillows, preferably naked. Tell hubby to make himself comfortable. If there is lubricant, ask him to squirt a tiny bit on the tip of the dildo. Then gently rub it over your labia and clitoris. If there's vibration, turn it on low until you start to feel the effects--and believe me, you will! If you're embarrassed, close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is just you and the man you love--he's seen you before, right?

Before you know it. you'll be wet and anxious to insert the dildo into your pussy. If your puss-puss is hard to reach, ask hubby to help--he'll love it. Rub your breasts and pay attention to your nipples. Don't be surprised if he doesn't join in by this time. Ask him to lick your breasts or kiss your stomach. Tell him to rub his finger along the dildo and see how wet you are. Tell him you want him to fuck you--talk dirty. Most guys love it.

When you're "competed" (and you know what I mean), be sure to wash the dildo (being careful not to submerge it if it has batteries). The next day, order a pair of fur-lined handcuffs as a surprise for your husband. I see this as a whole new world of sexual exploration you'll find very rewarding if you stop being afraid.
* Graphics from my favorite sex toy shop, Adam and Eve

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A Uniform Problem

Q: I'd dated my boyfriend for just short of a year when he asked me to marry him. His brother, whom I'd never met, came from Virginia for the pre-wedding parties and stuff. He's in the Navy and arrived in uniform. I guess the old saying about not being able to resist a guy in uniform is right because ever since then I can't get him off my mind. It doesn't help that he's a funny, nice man and seems to be flirting with me each time we're together. The wedding is in a week, but if his brother asked me to bed, I'd probably go. I don't know if I still want to marry my fiancé. Any advice?

Anne: Dee and I grew up Navy brats, so we know full well how irresistible men in uniforms are. But you need to step back here and think. You've been dating your fiancé for a year. You've known his brother for less than two weeks. Are you sure this isn't just pre-wedding jitters? Maybe nerves are making you question whether you're ready for the very important step of marriage, in which case you aren't alone. Most of us have a few doubts the closer the wedding comes. If you're sure that isn't the case, then you need to do some serious soul searching. If you marry your boyfriend, you're going to be seeing his brother at family events for years to come. If there's a real attraction, the situation is a time bomb ready to go off.

And has his brother actually flirted with you, or is he just being "a funny, nice man," and playing around because that's the way he is? If he's actually, seriously flirting, and there's the chance he would invite you to bed almost on the eve of his brother's marrying you, you need to rethink if this is the kind of man you'd want to get entangled with. Not a very nice brother.

Whatever, you need to evaluate your true feelings before you say "I do." Your boyfriend will most likely get over a broken heart and engagement faster than he will a broken heart and divorce if it turns out you don't really love him.

Dee: Are you serious? Ask yourself if your boyfriend would still want to marry you if he read this letter. Even if you weren't on the verge of holy matrimony, lusting after a guy's brother (or best friend, for that matter) is usually not appreciated. Turn the tables. How would you feel if the condom was on the other cock (so to speak), and you discovered your boyfriend had spent last night boinking your sister? Not so much fun, is it?

Listen, if the brother is hinting that he wants you in his bed and that's where you really, truly want to be, hey, take the leap. But be damn sure you're ready to lose everything--brother and fiancé--by doing so because that's probably what will happen. And if the brother's bed is where you really want to be, then yeah, you'd better say "I shouldn't," instead of "I do." Better now than later.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Liar, Liar

Q: I just found out the man I’ve been dating for two years is married. I love this man. I My best friend broke the news yesterday. At first I didn’t believe it because she’s always lusted after him, but I confronted him last night and it’s true. He said he was sorry. Then he said he would leave his wife if I’d give him just a little time. I know this is the clichéd married man line, but what can I do? I love him. Do you think he could mean it? In every other way he’s been the perfect, honest man.

Anne: I’m sorry to tell you, but I wouldn’t give this man a second more of your time or affection. He lied to you over and over. And if he’s telling you the truth now, he’s lying to his wife, over and over. Is this the kind of man you want to invest your life in? Two years is enough wasted time. Move on, but fast.

Dee: I hope the bastard gave you lots of nice presents. Nice, valuable, pawnable presents.

You don’t give us the full story, but I do wonder. How does a woman date a man for two years and not suspect something’s a little off? I mean, wasn’t he gone and/or out of touch for periods of time? Didn’t he cancel dates and give suspicious reasons? Didn’t he keep from introducing you to friends and colleagues?

I could be wrong. Maybe nothing out of the ordinary happened during all those months, but I kind of doubt it. I’m NOT saying you’re to blame for his lyin’, cheatin’ ways, but I do hope next time you’ll save yourself all kinds of heartache by paying attention to the signs around you.

As for what to do, dump his sorry ass right this minute, if you haven’t already. Then I would take the high road, and not mail a letter to his wife, not send some incriminating item to his house in care of Mr. and Mrs, or agree to meet him one more time and then alert his wife to the time and location. No, I’d never do that. Would I?

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Saying THANKS!

Some of the most important men in our lives served in the military. Jack (and Anne) and I were raised as military brats, some of that time during Vietnam when the armed forces weren't at their height of popularity. That's how we know first hand the trials suffered by families who have loved ones far from home, and by those serving away from home, stuck in a place where all they can do is worry about what's happening back in the States.

To those who are paid little but give so much, miltary members and their families, we'd like to say thanks!

The mayhem of answering questions will resume next week. We hope you'll check back then.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

My Girlfriend's Bother's Keeper

Q: My husband and I went to a party at my girlfriend's house. I almost had to drag him. We have been having some marital problems and I was trying to get him involved in my life... or at least to have a life. He doesn't do anything with me or my friends. I assured him the group would be small with only her close friends and family, so he agreed. When we got there, as I told him, it wasn't a large group, maybe 8 people, including us. Her brother, whom I'd never met, was one of the guests and he was there alone. My friend told me he had also been having some marital problems.

There was plenty of alcohol, and I had more than my share. Well, when her brother and I looked at each other across the room, it was as though he was sending an electric current to my animal side. I knew was going to be bad later on. And I was. I cornered him in the bathroom and began an attack that I think he liked. At least, he kept me in there a good long time. The problem is, my girlfriend found out... or I should say saw us. She retaliated and attacked my husband. It wasn't a big deal to me - marital problems, remember? But now he wants to go to all of her parties -- and she has quite a few. I think it's because he wants to do my best friend. I like to go to her parties but now I don't want to take him. I don't know if he knows about her brother and me. I'm afraid to bring it up.

So what do I do? Take him along or tell him he's not invited and leave him home?

Anne: You have marital problems. Here's an idea: stay home together. Talk, watch a movie, go for a walk--but do it together. Get to know each other again. It seems to me you have to do something like that if you want your marriage to work. Stay away from your friend's brother. And your friend, for that matter. She doesn't sound like she's a very good influence.

Dee: I have better advice than that. Write me offline and I'll try to get you all on The Jerry Springer Show.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Push-ups Belong in the Army, Not a Bra

Q: My birthday was in January, our anniversary was in March and now there's Mother's Day. For all three celebrations, my husband bought me sexy lingerie--a shorty, see-through nightgown for my birthday, a set of thongs with the days of the week embroidered on them and a satin push-up bra. Of course he wants me to model them and then have wild monkey sex. Truth is, after four kids, stretch marks and left-over baby fat, I don't feel sexy in general and even less so in these slinky, wet-dream little pieces of fabric. I'd rather have a babysitter for a day to myself as a gift--away from the kids and from him and his demands. How can I tell him that?

Anne: There's no good way to tell a man his gifts aren't all you've longed for, sorry. But why don't you suggest leaving the kids with a family member for a weekend and go away with him and the slinky stuff? Maybe you'd feel different about his attentions if you were far away from your other worries. Otherwise, you either have to sit him down and be straight about the gifts or keep on accepting them.

Dee: Anne, I'm surprised! I don't think that's the advice you gave a previous writer with a similar problem. I'm glad to see you've come around to my way of thinking.

Okay, you say you're overweight and unattractive, at least to yourself. Your guy doesn't sound like he cares--he sounds like he still lusts after you. If he's giving you sexy clothing to put you in the mood, it indicates to me that you're not conducive to a romp in the hay all that often without the hint. That's more the problem than the lingerie, to my mind. I'm not saying you have to be ready and willing to jump every time he says he wants a little, but even men like to be needed and wanted in that "special way." Find time for the two of you. Have wild monkey sex now and then without his having to ask for it. Sounds like he still appreciates you in the bedroom--hopefully that carries over to the rest of your life together--so don't snub it. Otherwise, he might take that appreciation to someone who appreciates him back.

PS--If the only place he seems to know you're alive is in the bedroom, that's a whole different problem. Write back so we can give you some ball-busting hints. You should appreciate his appreciation, but you're not just a sex object. Know what I mean?

Monday, May 4, 2009

Mama's Boy on Mama's Day

Q: My boyfriend of three years wants us to spend Mother's Day weekend with his mom. He's the baby in the family and the only boy and his mother spoils him horribly so he always wants to go there for holidays. I'd prefer to see my mother, whom we almost never visit together. The difference? At his mother's we can't share a room. Honest to Pete, we're in our late 20s and have been together for years and she still doesn't think we sleep together? My mom thinks by this time we should be married but at least she's aware of how life is. Should I put my foot down?

Anne: I suppose if I was your mother I might wonder what the hold up is on the marriage, too, but that's your business. Forget the sleeping together thing, the real question is why are you always going to his family's house together and not yours? To me, this shows a real problem in the relationship between your boyfriend and your family. Is there friction? If not, I don't understand why he wouldn't agree to split holidays. Is this how he will be if and when you do marry? That's something to think about. Until then, yes, say something to him about the disparity. And if you're in his mom's house and she says separate beds, her wishes should be respected.

Dee: You mean if you go to your mom's house you can do the dirty but you can't if you go to his mom's? And your boyfriend still wants to visit his mother? Dump this mama's boy before it's too late. Spoiled ain't the half of it--he's coddled and he loves it. If you stay with him be prepared never to see your family and to make his life just as wonderful as his mother does. Good luck on both counts.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Remote Control

Q: My boyfriend likes to watch TV all the time. I mean all the time. And it’s not like he watches “men’s” shows, like sports. I could get into Bears football or Giants baseball. Or man, give me a good hockey game and I’m with you, but he watches Iron Chef and House Hunters International. I’d rather be out playing a little touch football or slugging down a beer at the corner bar—anything but watching that crap. I love the jerk, and when he tears himself away from the boob tube, the sex is fucking fantastic. What’s your advice?

Anne: Um…I’m at a loss for words.

Dee: Well, that doesn't happen often. Fortunately, I’m not. Have him tested for an abnormally high level of estrogen—or take shots of it yourself. One of you is a changeling.

Seriously, you have to ask us for advice? Come to an agreement on the number of hours a week you will watch TV and then divide that number in thirds. One third he can watch whatever he wants, one third is yours and one third you have to watch together. I’m not commenting on who controls the sex—that’s for y’all to figure out, as is who leads when you dance.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Not Ready for Breakup

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he’s going to break up with me if I don’t um…take him in my mouth. I love him and I don’t want to break up, but I hate the very idea of you know, doing that. What should I do?

Anne: Are you sure he really means this? It seems to me he’s being unreasonable if he loves you. Talk to him. Tell him the distaste (no pun intended) you feel for the oral sex act. If he loves you, he should try to see your side of this. Don’t feel alone—a lot of women do not care for doing it.

Dee: Look, I agree. Ask him what he means exactly. If he says he truly is breaking up if you don’t give him head, then put on your big girl pants and decide what you’re going to do. If you hate having his penis in your mouth, then draw the line. Regardless of how much you “love” him, you’ll eventually grow resentful if you feel he’s forcing you into something disgusting. In that case, call it quits (this way you’re the one ending it) and be on the lookout for a man more interested in your feelings. Be aware though, I’ve never met a man who didn’t love oral sex. When they’re on the receiving end, at least.

If you’re willing to give it a try, let him know you’re a novice and that you need to learn how best to handle the act. If he balks or tries to rush you, tell him if you get nervous you might bite down. That should keep him in line. By the way, I think he’s a jerk for making this ultimatum. Man does not shrivel and die if he doesn’t get oral sex. Tell him I said so.

And here’s another tip: quit being a baby. It’s “give head,” “suck,” “BJ or blow job” instead of “you know, doing that.” Grow up. (This goes for you, too, Anne. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re my sister.) Men love to hear a woman use those terms. But only if she’s going to do them. If you decide to suck him, use the words sure to incite and let him know you’re ready and willing, not being dragged kicking and screaming.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

To Easter Bunny or Not To Easter Bunny?

Q: I had to write immediately because I’m so steamed. My husband, four-year-old son and I went to my mother-in-law’s for Easter dinner. This is the first holiday we’ve shared with them because we’ve been overseas since before our son was born. While there, my sister-in-law’s twelve-year-old told my son that there is no Easter Bunny. My son said yes there was—he’d just received a basket of goodies that morning, whereupon my nephew told my little boy that his parents are liars. He taunted my child until he cried uncontrollably and we had to leave. My sister-in-law refused to discipline her kid, and worse, after we finally calmed our little guy down enough to nap—with his big, furry stuffed Easter Bunny he just got today—my husband admitted he wasn’t upset.

He said when he was growing up his parents didn’t lie to him and his sister about fictional creatures like Santa or the Easter Bunny. He said he’s only been humoring me because he knew it was important to me, but now that the facts are out in the open it won’t hurt. I understand the religious significance of the day, but see no harm in a little fantasy. I’m furious, both over the incident and with my husband’s attitude. I don’t even want our son around his family, now.

Anne: Well, sorry, but you can’t very well keep your child away from his grandparents and other relatives. But I would explain to them that this is your son, and they need to respect your methods of raising him. It’s a shame this happened, but children have short memories. I’ll bet next year he’ll be looking for that basket again, oblivious to this morning’s trauma. Dee looked for baskets until she was well into her teens…

Dee: Yes, I still look for baskets at Easter. But it all started when a certain twin stole my baskets when we were children. I therefore became deprived. It was but a short leap to depraved, and I became the erotic romance writer I am today.

Now for my advice. Screw your sister-in-law and the horse she rode in on. If she doesn’t want child-rearing advice from you, she’d better respect your methods—and that includes explaining to her kid how to behave around a young child. Any twelve-year –old who taunts a four-year-old needs to be knocked upside the head to begin with, in my opinion, and I’ve got a 2x4 handy.

Now excuse me while I go find my missing Peeps.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Jell-O Shot Hell

Q: My company has some killer parties. Technically they’re part of our quarterly meetings, but my bosses are kinda wild men and young, so they use any excuse to have a blowout.

Anyway, I couldn’t stay long at the first “meeting,” so I missed the party part. But I made up for it at the second—I’d never had Jell-O shots before. THEY ARE AWSOME.. I got a little polluted and when I drink I, um... get flirtatious (putting it mildly). I came on to a colleague. He isn't my boss, but he’s in enough of a position to make me REALLY WORRY. He’s not married or anything, and he turned me down, but still…. How do I handle this at work? I see him EVERY DAY! Help! I'm
In Jell-O Shot Hell

Anne: Let this be a lesson—alcohol and work do not mix! At your next quarterly meeting, drink tea, or coffee or even Tom Collins mix with a twist of lemon. No one will know the difference and you won’t embarrass yourself. For now, I’d say act as though nothing happened and hope he does the same. If he brings it up, apologize and swear that Jell-O shots are a thing of the past at office parties. If he’s a gentleman, the incident went (and will go) no farther.

Dee: Well, you little slut you. (And I mean that as a compliment.) Get a couple of Jell-O shots in you and you go, girl! So, okay, I say step back and think for a minute. You made a fool of yourself. If the man hasn’t done the same or worse a hundred times himself, he’s no man you want to waste yourself on. Let it go. It’s not like you stripped for him, played tonsil tag and rubbed The Girls against his broad, strong chest while unzipping his pants and begging his Bad Boy to come out and show you why he’s bad. No, it’s not like you did that. And, uh, *crossing fingers* not like I did that, either…

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Needs a Break From Sex

Q: This might seem like a strange question, but I’m a normal, healthy male who likes sex. However, my girlfriend really likes sex. She wants it all the time, in all kinds of ways, in all kinds of places. I’m a guy, not a sex object or a machine. What should I do?

Anne: Don’t feel bad about asking the question. I imagine there are many men reading this who have the same concerns. Listen, sex is a very important part of any relationship and something people must be compatible on. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her you’re uncomfortable with her excessive appetite for sex. If you two can’t find a meeting ground on this subject, I fear you’re heading for trouble in the long run.

Dee: Hmmm. Let me get this straight. You are a guy (I’ll take your word on it, I suppose). Your girlfriend likes to have more sex than you do (I’m still taking your word that you’re a guy). And, the little minx likes it different ways and locations and all the time, which makes you uncomfortable. You sure you’re a guy? Please send us the address of your girlfriend because I’m sure there are a gazillion other guys who’d be happy to get to know her and thus resolve your issue.

By the way, have you tried anything new and different in your sex life lately? A little doggy action, a bit of panty rubbing under the table at the restaurant? Maybe a remote-controlled egg when you’re out for the evening?

I’d advise the two of you to browse a few virtual pages of adamandeve.com and see if anything strikes your fancy. Maybe her desire to spice up the relationship is just that, a need to shake things up a bit. All I know is, if you don’t do something to satisfy this woman, you not only won’t be a sex machine, you’ll be nobody’s sex object. I mean, just saying.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling Left Out and Hating It

Q: I have two best friends, one male and one female. We’ve always been together and I know they’ll always be part of my life. Or I hope so, at least. I never thought of him as a "boyfriend" ... but then a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend told me that she likes him and wants to try and "go out" with him. That’s upset me and I’m not sure why. I didn’t think it before but now I wonder if I have other feelings for him, too. What do I do?

Anne: Does the male in the trio like her back? Has she acted on her feelings, and has he responded? If so, then I think you have to let the relationship develop and see what happens. If you’re still bothered, then you need to talk with them and tell them of your concern, which I think might center around feeling left out. If they say they want to explore a new relationship, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. If you’ve never thought of the guy as a boyfriend before now, then you’re most likely not really attracted to him. Let that idea go. I’m sorry.

Dee: It’s sad but true, three’s a crowd. It’s a fact that three is the number that first allows stability—three legs will support a chair or table or a tripod. But people aren’t chairs (there’s a piece of profound wisdom). Three people in a relationship rarely works out, especially if one of them is of the opposite sex of the other two. If your friends are pairing off, sure, go ahead and tell them you feel hurt and left out. Chances are, they’re going to say back that they’re sorry but get over it. (Maybe they’ll be nicer than that…) You could then tell them to fuck off, but they probably will go and do half of that suggestion, and then you’ll feel worse. If you want to get back at them for dumping you, wait awhile before doing anything (letting air out of his tires while they’re on a date, posting a nasty story about her on a school blog). If you don’t, they’ll know it was you and all hell will break loose.

Of course, there is the possibility he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. In that case, you have the choice of letting things go and seeing if they fall back into the regular pattern, or you could try going out with him yourself and make your girlfriend feel as lousy and left out as you’ve been feeling. (I had to say that because otherwise, I agree with Anne, and God knows I can’t let that happen!)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Fatherhood? Puh-leeze!

Q: I have a male friend who just started dating a girl I don't like. She told him she is pregnant from her previous boyfriend. Now my friend wants to marry her because she needs help and has nowhere else to turn. I’m crazy over this because I think he is throwing his life away. He hasn't graduated from high school yet but he thinks he can make it work. What do I tell him?

Incredulous Best Friend

Anne: Incredulous, you don’t tell us if you’re a boy or girl, but either way, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. While his intentions are admirable, it sounds as though he’s on the wrong track. He needs someone to explain a few facts of life to him—the difficulty of finding work without a diploma, the costs, both financial and emotional, of dealing with a baby in the house (especially one that’s not his), the great danger of entering into a marriage where love and trust aren’t established. Is there a family member—yours or his—who he trusts enough to listen to? Or a minister, teacher or coach, maybe? I hope someone gets through to him before he makes a mistake that will affect three people.

Dee: See? THIS is why teens should not have the right to vote. Or drink or drive. Your friend has a head full of mush. Blow in his ear (only if you’re a girl, please, and I think you are because guys just don’t use words like “incredulous”) and see if you can clear some space for him to listen up.

There are places for girls who are prego to get help. Heck, maybe even the baby’s father would be interested in stepping up to the plate. Does she know that he won’t? If not, she still has options. Once your friend leaves school, his options for success are cut in half, even if he gets a GED. The longer he tries to align the costs of a family with a beginning job, and the longer he stays married, the harder it will be for him to break out and change the path he’s going down. If they should stay together long enough to add another child to the mix, well, I fear for his sanity.

I could be wrong. Could be things are hard but they persevere and end up making a good life. But the odds are greatly against them. Hell, the odds are against two people who are out of college, madly in love and NOT pregnant with someone else’s child, thanks very much.

Your friend’s heart is full of the joy of caring and giving and rose petals for the little one. Tell him to wake up. He ain’t Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t die and put him in charge. (Actually, I guess a rabbit did die, but work with me, here.) Tell him to clear his mind of hearts and flowers and think of the worst case scenario. Chances are very good this chick is going to dump him in a year or so because he’s working too hard and the baby cries too much and he’s never around to help her with “alone time.” He’ll end up paying child support for someone else’s kid and kicking himself all the way to his place behind the French fryer at McDonald’s.

If he’s smart instead of idealistic (which I doubt) he’ll point the girl to the nearest a)family member who might care, b)church, c)social services office, or someplace other than his parents’ basement, where he envisions living with her in wedded bliss.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A little foreplay on the drive home

Q: I need advice on how to handle a problem I have with my boyfriend. Whenever we drive anywhere, he likes me to sit right next to him and play with his "private parts.” I like doing it but I wonder if people in trucks and on the street can see what I am doing. He said don't worry about it but I do.


Anne: Worried, the first thing I thought when I read your question is how dangerous that is. If your boyfriend is really concerned for you and not the titillation of what you do to him, he should have you sit where you can be “belted” in. Tell him you’ll play with his privates when you’re safely off the roadways. I’d say he could play with his own thingy while driving, but he should keep both hands on the wheel. Remember, safety first!

Dee: Worried, Jack and I drove a truck for years, and I can tell you, truckers can (and do!) see what goes on in cars beside them. I remember once, Jack drove for miles beside a car while a girl gave her boyfriend a BJ. I finally had to cover his eyes to get him to speed by them. (Just kidding.)

Did they know they could be seen? Well, yeah. Is it more exciting to receive (or give) a BJ when you're being watched? Well, YEAH.

Should you sit beside your sweetie and fiddle around while cruising down the road? Personally, I care more about my life than whether Jack gets felt up, so I wear a safety belt at all times in the car. Beyond safety, a lot of states require a seat belt and will ticket the driver if a passenger isn’t wearing one. I do agree with Anne on the safety first warning. However...

Barring those considerations, if you’re just driving around town at 20-25 MPH and your chances of flying through the windshield with a hard stop is nil, hey, why not? People in pickups will be able to watch, but who cares (unless the person is your mom or dad or preacher)? On the way home from dinner or a movie, a little in-the-car foreplay might be just the extra spark to strike before a lusty romp at home.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Cutting the Cheese Without a Knife

Q: I have a strange problem. I am not lactose intolerant, but I do have a weird reaction to cheese. There’s no way to put it delicately so I’ll just say it. When I eat cheese I...um...fart. And not those quiet killers, either. I mean, there’s a vibration in the room when I let go, which I assure you I try not to do. It happens with any kind of cheese from cottage to American. The recommended solutions not only don’t prevent the problem, they make it worse.

So here’s my dilemma. Just yesterday, my boss requested that my husband and I accompany him and his wife to a wine and cheese party. It’s for business. Important clients will be there and a possible needed and deserved promotion depends on my making a good impression.

I can’t say I’m lactose intolerant—he’s seen me eating yogurt and adding sour cream to potatoes—but I’m scared of disastrous consequences. The wine will make me loopy and the cheese, well... I don't want to go there. Do you have any suggestions?

Anne: Oh, no! You poor dear!! Is there such a think as a cheese allergy? Call your doctor right away and ask him to help you out with a prescription or maybe a medical excuse to get out of the party. The only other thing I can suggest is for you to nurse a glass of wine all night and casually drop any cheese squares that end up on your plate into the potted plants.

Best of luck to you!

Dee: My dad had a saying he lived by: It’s better to fart and bear the shame than to stop the fart and bear the pain. He used the same reasoning with belching. Gosh. No wonder mom thought he was such a romantic.

Eat before you leave home so you’ll have food in your stomach. Then, as Anne suggested, make a glass of wine last. Consult your doctor. Hopefully medical science has come up with an answer to this problem that's plagued cheese-heads since before there was a Wisconsin.

Barring that, borrow a dog. You know the kind, something cute and kinda small that you can carry around under your arm. If you find you actually have to eat a cheese ball, feed one to the dog, too. Then when you let loose, turn to the pooch and say, “Bad dog!” It's unfair, but no one ever thinks poorly of the dog.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Case of the Hypochondriac

Q: I’m writing because my girlfriend reads this thing. Don’t know why. The ones I’ve read, you’ve been against the guy, so you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about. But SHE reads you so, here goes.

I love her, but she’s such a hypocondriac. I mean, dude, she can’t go anywhere without packing aspirin, allergy tablets, digestion pills, and God knows what else. I feel like she’s protecting herself against ME. Like, do I give her headaches or something? So tell her she’s insulting me by insisting on taking all that crap with her when we go out. She can use whatever she wants when she’s home with her mother. God knows, she needs something then, but with me? Dude, set her straight.
Dating a Hypocondriac

Anne: Hello, Dating. First off, I might suggest you notice how to spell hypochondriac. After that, maybe you should ask your girlfriend why she needs all the medication, and adjust your dating. If she’s allergic to pollen, then a day in the country isn’t such a good idea in spring or fall, for instance. If loud music gives her headaches (and so she feels the need for aspirin), then maybe you should avoid certain concerts or playing the radio too loud. I don’t know exactly what your situation is, but talk to her. You might find out things you didn’t know.

Dee: Dude, I’m going to answer your letter. Don’t know why. (I don’t always go against the guy. For instance, notice how I liked your wording?)

I see why your girlfriend is, like, a hypochondriac, Dude—she’s dating a pill. I don’t know about her, but you’re giving me a headache. I wish her luck.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Food Disorders

This week we have several letters dealing with food and eating issues. We don’t know why. Maybe there’s a full moon? Anyway, here are three letters from different readers that we’re addressing all at once.

Q: My son won’t eat peas. I thought he’d like peas--they’re small, round, easy to pick up and put in his mouth. He plays with them, he doesn’t eat them. Any suggestions?
“Peas” Help

Anne: Hmm. You didn’t say how old he is, but maybe he’s reacting to all the times you tell him not to put small, round things in his mouth? Perhaps you could demonstrate eating peas by picking one up yourself and eating it, making all the appropriate sounds and expressions that show acceptance. Peas are nutritious, so if he doesn’t eat them straight, try putting them in soups and stews that he will eat.

Dee: I have a recipe from the Girardelli chocolate folks for peas and chocolate. Sounds icky, tastes really good. Try mixing the peas with chocolate and see if he likes eating them. Worked for Jack.

Q: My son is 16 and won’t eat anything but pizza, pasta and candy. He sits down at dinner but won’t touch his meat or vegetables--not even potatoes, and I’ve never known a teenaged boy who didn’t like mashed potatoes. What can I do?
Pizza’d Out

Anne: Your son is old enough to know good eating from bad. Explain that there are consequences to poor food choices. If that doesn’t work, ask how he’s ever going to impress a girl if the only place he’ll take her is a pizza parlor? Girls have more sophisticated tastes than pasta, pizza and candy.

Dee: Expand his pizza choices by including meat, fruit and veggies on them. I even have a recipe for a chocolate pizza that includes crème cheese and fruit. Worked for Jack.

Q: This is kind of embarrassing. My boyfriend loves to have me go down on him, but he never returns the favor. He says girls don’t like it the same as guys. I say how does he know since he never does it. Anyway, I’m pissed and need some help, please.
High and Dry in Iowa

Anne: Not that I’m in favor of sex outside marriage, but tell the boyfriend quid pro quo. That’s Latin for, “You want some, Buddy, you give some.” Tell him that his saying girls don’t like it as much as guys shows how little he knows. Then, you might consider changing boyfriends. There are guys out there who appreciate women and their needs more than the dumb jerk you’re currently babysitting.

Dee: Whoo-hoo, Anne! You go, girl!!

My advice—should you decide to stick it out with the dumb ass—is try a little Hershey’s chocolate syrup. Have him dab a little here, dab a little there (you know where I mean), and the word “lick” will take on a whole new meaning. What can I say? Worked for...um, never mind.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Married to a Pusher

Q: My husband is what I lovingly call a “food pusher”. He is constantly eating—but still only weighs about 170 lbs, the bum, while I am what I refer to as having “more to love.” The problem is, whenever he eats he tries to “push” whatever is on his plate onto mine. “Here have a bite,” “Taste this, it’s yummy.” I have told him thanks but no thanks, that I’m not remotely hungry, and even “Please stop doing that” but he just doesn’t get it. What suggestion do either of you have to help me make him understand that I want him to stop?

Anne: I had a grandmother who did that (“I know how much you love mashed potatoes, so have some more”), and you’re right, it’s annoying. What I had to do is just say, “No!” very firmly or sometimes even pull my plate away or cover it. Eventually the message got through. In situations like this, I don’t think you can be sweet. Pushers think they’re being nice, so you must be a little hard.

Here are a couple of ideas: Push back. He says, “Try a piece of this ham, honey, it’s really good.” You say, “Not with the turkey I already have, so you take some of it.”

If he actually puts his offering on your plate, physically put it back on his plate with, “I know it’s good. That’s why I want you to have it, Honey Buns.”

Or, just leave whatever he passes to you on your plate, uneaten. If he questions you just say again that you are full. I hope this helps, Married.

Dee: If it were me, I’d slap the shit out of him. He’d get the picture then, and besides, make up sex is great.

However, Anne is forever telling me that violence isn’t the answer to anything. So, Plan B: Demand he take out his wallet and all of his money. Then suggest he “push” a little moolah your way—-tell him you’ll share his “greens” but only if they have Ben Franklin on them.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Pans Rather Than Pan-ties in Massachusetts

Q: My husband and I have been married for twelve wonderful years. We have two active children and hectic careers. Our problem is a common one, I think. For our anniversary, he always buys me sexy lingerie. Not necessarily negligees, but panties, bras and tap pants sets. Each year I tell him I’d rather have something I can use—at this point, even a vacuum cleaner would be preferable to lacy panties. Each year it’s as if he was deaf the previous year. Our thirteenth anniversary is in a month. I don’t want to be harsh but believe me, I already have a drawer full of lingerie I don’t wear. Maybe if you all back me he’ll sit up and pay attention.

Anne: I don’t understand men—and you’re right, this is a common problem. Often, men give women the gifts they want, rather than what women want. I suggest you cook him a great meal one night and point out which pots and pans you used, then show him your drawer of unused lingerie. Tell him with a pan you can remember your special date every time you roast, or fry or whatever it is you want to receive. Another alternative is to buy a pot you really want and tell him ahead of time that you bought your gift from him. (WARNING: This may be an undesired slippery slope to always having to buy your own gifts, depending on your guy's temperament.) As a last note, it doesn’t hurt to do something romantic now and then. Maybe slip into one of those other gifts and see the light in his eyes.

Dee: Let’s turn the tables. Does he always adore everything you get him? Look, it’s your anniversary. The man surely doesn’t expect you to dress up for him every night, so indulge him this one night, which is supposed to be a remembrance of that first-love feeling. Maybe it would be easier if you got away from the “two active kids” and spent a some time alone. Here in Chicago-land we have Sybaris Pool Suites which cater to couples seeking romance. But even a night at your local Holiday Inn Express would be a break. My advice? Have dinner out. Feed each other spoonfuls of luscious dessert. Then go home—or to your room at an inn—and dress up. Put on whatever sexy thing he bought this year. Surprise him with an elephant cock cover and then, Lady, make him roar with delight. That’s the recipe to a happy anniversary.

Oh, Jackkk! Do you have the number for Sybaris handy…?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Football Season

Q: Anne and Dee, I am a football spouse. Most people say it’s only one season out of the year, but that’s not quite the case. Now, football starts in the summer and goes on (this year, for example) into February. As far as I’m concerned, the Cardinals and Eagles are birds, Rams are male sheep and Dolphins are fish. I could care less about the Super Bowl or the New England Steelers. Any ideas on how I can wean my wife off the NFL?

Dave in Denver

Anne: Dave, are you kidding? There are so many women who understand perfectly where you’re coming from! On the other hand, do you know how many men would love for their wives to watch football with them? And I’ll bet your wife would like you to enjoy time watching the game, too. Why don’t you make a deal—you’ll spend a few hours in front of the TV with her each week and she’ll spend time with you on a hobby of your choice? Keep in mind, Dave, it’s the time you spend with each other that really counts. Compromise is the name of the game.

Dee: Good God, Dave, are you a man or a mouse? Do I really have to explain how to make your “moves” better than any quarterback's? Do I have to come and discuss with your wife how something long and oval needs the right carrier’s hands? Can’t you demonstrate that a playing field can be a bed as well as a stadium? Haven’t you shown her that you have better BALLS than the Steelers (who play for Pittsburgh, by the way)??

If not, take up knitting or needlepoint (like Roosevelt Greer) during the golden season and leave us football fans alone.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

An Innocent Kiss? Um...NOT!

Q: My boyfriend and I attended a New Year’s Eve party at the house of my good friend. We were having a good time and shared a hot kiss when midnight arrived. When it was getting time to go home and I couldn’t find him, I went looking. Yes, you guessed it, I found him and my friend in a very compromising position. Not having sex, but I think they would have if not discovered. My friend’s husband was right in the other room! My boyfriend was obviously embarrassed and upset. He apologized all the way home and protested that he’d had too much to drink. My girlfriend called the next day and told me the same—that she’d had too much to drink, that she’s never done anything like that before and never would again. They both seem so sincere. I hesitated to write about this problem, but I can’t stop thinking about them together. Should I forgive and forget?

Feeling Like a New Year Baby

Anne: You are not a “baby” in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to worry before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one New Year’s Eve, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.

As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times and alcohol—-maybe even you. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.

Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—-and Anne you should remember this—-that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.

Now as for the woman. If she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.