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Monday, January 25, 2010

Football, Schmookball. It Can't Compete With Austen

From an e-mail sent moments ago:

Q: Hey, Anne and Dee. I bet my little brother $15 that the Jets would beat Indianapolis and that the Saints would beat the Vikings. Now the little fucker refuses to pay up. He's 24 years old. Don't you think he should stop acting like a child and pay what he owes?

Anne: Sorry, I didn't watch the games. Emma was on Masterpiece Theatre tonight. However, if you won, then your brother should pay what he owes.

Dee: You dumb shit, New York didn't beat Indianapolis. The Superbowl will be played between the Colts and the Saints. Keep up with the conversation.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Help! My Boyfriend Cheated With My BFF

Q: My friend Cathy just called. She couldn't wait to tell me all the details about my boyfriend Tom having sex with my BFF Heidi. This has evidently been going on for months. She heard it from Tiffany, the head cheerleader, so I know it's true. I'm so hurt and upset I don't know what to do. I'm not the most popular girl in class and I thought Tom loved me. Now I wish I'd had sex with him when he asked. What should I do?

Anne: No matter how bad this seems, you have done the right thing by not having sex with Tom. You see how little he values you because he cheated with your BFF. Forget about him, the pissant. Hold your head up high and move on. Tom and Heidi aren't worth your concern.

Dee: You need a new set of friends. First asshole Tom cheats, not with some girl you don't know but with a good friend. Then your supposed best friend has no qualms about sleeping with a boy she knows you're dating. Bitch. Next we have Tiffany. So, what is about a head cheerleader that makes her honest? Give me a break. I know one thing about her: she knew something hurtful to you--something that was juicy gossip--and she spread the word. She's no different from any fishwife in any town, always ready to repeat bad news. Last you say Cathy is a friend. She couldn't wait to pass on the news that Tom is cheating, but did she do it to help you or hurt you? Your wording suggests the latter.

So here's my advice. Screw Tom the Tom cat, and not in a way he'd enjoy. Kick drop Heidi back to the Alps, which is the only place someone named Heidi should live. Don't even try to be friends with heartless Tiffany or you'll regret it, and dump Cathy. She's not interested in your well-being just in titillating info. Aren't there any girls worth anything at your school? Seek them out and forget those other losers.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Can't Seem to Plan My Life

Q: I am totally disorganized. My boyfriend threatens to break up with me if I miss one more date because I didn't have it written in the planner he bought me for my birthday, and my mother doesn't speak to me anymore because I forgot her birthday…for the third year in a row. I don't mean to forget these things, I just do. Is there any help for me?

Anne: Well, just use your planner. The minute you find you have an appointment, write it down. Then remember to look at it. Maybe you have too much going on? If so, cut back on some activities and focus on those things that are really important. Fewer things to keep track of means more things you will keep track of.

Dee: As Anne said, you remember the things that are important. I'll bet you aren't this scattered at work, are you? If so, you wouldn't be working for long. So here's my take. Your mom is a nag, always has been, always will be. Forgetting something that you know will irritate her is your way of getting back at her. As for your boyfriend, dump the bastard. If he bought you a planner and you still don't remember dates, well, read the writing on the wall. He obviously isn't the guy that gets your panties wet. Move on.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Toilet Training

Q: I know this is one of the oldest problems women have, but how do I train my boyfriend to put down the toilet seat? I've almost broken my back a few times late at night when I haven't turned on the light.

Anne: You're right, this is a pretty persistent problem, and one which I think has no ideal solution. You could "forget" to buy beer a week, or "forget" to pick up the groceries or do laundry. Unfortunately, most men don't notice or care about these things. They'd just as soon buy the beer, order pizza and let laundry go for weeks. Maybe Dee has a better solution?

Francis Drake: I have to interject here. As a man, I'd say, explain that sometimes you're in a hurry and may forget to check to see if the seat is up. Tell your boyfriend that it's uncomfortable and unsanitary if your butt drops into the water, in addition to causing possible bodily harm.

Dee: Yeah, like that would work.

Francis: Or you could put on your Big Girl panties and learn to put the seat down. And what's this about "training" your boyfriend? Is he a poodle?? Men like it when things are up, so learn to deal with it.

Dee: (smiling sweetly): How about this? Tell him it will be a cold, fucking day in Hell before any hot fucking takes place in the bedroom. Things won't be "up" for long.