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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

Sorry to have missed saying this on Monday, but Anne and Dee hope you have the best New Year ever. Wishing love and peace will come to all of us in 2009.

Next Monday please come back for more advice from The Twins!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Holidays

Anne: We hope you experience only the best the season has to offer and feel love all around.

Dee: Awww, Anne, that was nice. And I'd like to add that personally, I'm hoping for a New Year full of nookie.

Anne: Dee! For heaven's sake, it's Christmas!

Dee: *smiling* Ho, ho, ho!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Family Holidays (sigh)

Q: Dee and Anne, I’m a busy single mother. I have a full-time job and two children under the age of 6. I do what I can to provide a great Christmas for my kids but frankly, I don’t spend much time or money on anyone else in the family. I just don’t have the energy. Everyone has always seemed okay with this, but last week my sister told me that everyone’s been lying to me for the past few years. My feelings are hurt and I don’t think I’ll go to Christmas dinner this year. Am I wrong?

Hurt For the Holidays

Anne: Hurt, I can totally sympathize with you. First of all, it was your sister who told you all this?? What a horrible thing. Your sister should be loving and supportive. not that all of them are, mentioning no names.

Secondly, when those you love and count on lie to you, it’s worse than when anyone else does it. For example, when your twin sister tells you she never dated the boy you’re crazy over and are thinking of sleeping with, and then you find out she not only dated him but “knew” him months before, well, it can destroy the romance—and make the sisterly relationship a little touch and go, too. Not that such a thing ever happened to me…

But back to your question. As angry and hurt as you are, I think you should be honest with your family. Tell them the walls you’ve been up against and see if they will cut you some slack. Even if they won’t, I think you should go to Christmas dinner. Being with grandparents, aunts-uncles and cousins is part of Christmas for your kids. You don’t need to spend all day, but schlep the Jello salad, smile and bear it. Let your family see your quality and character.

Dee: Much as it pains me to admit, I think Anne gave good advice. I might have worded it differently. I might have said: Let your lying, sonuvabitch of a family see how much better you are than them, but, you know, Anne said it okay, too.

And Anne, for criminy sake, get over Gary. What kind of man dates two sisters and hides the fact? (Hypothetically, let's say none.) Sure I wasn’t exactly up front, but who knew you were thinking of climbing in the backseat of his Accord?? Thank your lucky stars you found out what a bastard he was before you handed him your virginity, Sis. Believe me, you only would have discovered what I did after a few months, that the sex wasn’t all that great.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Waxing Poetic

Q: I’ve been considering getting a bikini wax. What do you think?

Waxing Poetic in Virginia

Anne: “Waxing Poetic.” Haha. Clever name. But on to the question.

I have to admit, I know nothing about waxing so I looked it up online. Color me surprised when I found there are several types of ways to wax pubic hair and hair around the anus. I mean, you can take all of it off or parts of it. Who knew? To tell you the truth, it all sounded painful. I mean, have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Or under your arms? OUCH! Just the thought of causing pain “down there,” is enough to make me appreciate the hair God gave me and to leave it alone. Plus, there are health concerns, did you know? For instance, if you have diabetes, you shouldn’t get waxed. Or if you’re pregnant, waxing is a no-no. (Who is hell—pardon my French—would worry about getting waxed if you’re about to give birth??) I wouldn’t do it, so how could I advise you to do any different?

Dee: I know my good friend Lee Silver (author of The Twist) is probably brave enough to engage in a full wax or at least a sexy Brazilian job (most likely named for the women in New York who invented the wax, not the country). Lee, fess up, Woman!

Now for once I have to agree with Anne—this sounds painful. So why would any woman go through with it? I’m not sure but I think it’s because men LOVE it! They love the smoothness of the skin, the lack of hair for oral sex (for those wonderful men who aren't lazy bastards and actually GIVE oral sex), and (let’s face it) the sense of the forbidden when their lover feels like a young girl. What pervs!

So you know all those times we as women of the Lib Era said we should NOT dress for men, act for men, or live our lives for men? Well, forget it when it comes to ripping out public hair by the roots. Does the thought bring tears to your eyes? Suck it up! You’ll thank your Brazilian waxer when your man sighs in your ear and can’t wait to keep you up all night to participate in sex using his fingers, his hot, hot mouth, his hard, long hammer--and then starts over again.

Put that way, pain be damned, where’re those Yellow Pages??

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Law or Disorder?

Q: I was stopped by a policeman this morning. He said he wouldn't write me a ticket if I went out with him. My insurance is already sky high due to an accident, so I accepted his offer. But now I'm worried. Did I do the right thing, or should I call it off and take my punishment?

Worried and Going Too Fast

Anne: Dear Worried,
While I sympathize with your high insurance rates, you know in your heart the right thing to do. Contact him and tell him you've changed your mind. Then report his bad behavior to his bosses. How dare he blackmail you into dinner--or worse! Good luck!

Dee: Good luck is what you'll need if you follow Anne's advice. Why are you worried? Get real, Woman! How often are you handed a virtual "Get Out of Jail Free" card? Or practically free--I mean, a dinner, for Pete's sake.

I have two questions: Is he good looking and did he show you his handcuffs? Have fun, Girlfriend, and enjoy all that money you're saving!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Q: My boyfriend of two years says he loves me and has invited me to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving dinner. On previous visits, they’ve made no secret of the fact that they hate my clothing, my hair, my job (beautician)—virtually everything about me. What should I do?

Not Too Thankful for Dinner

Anne: Talk to your boyfriend, Not Too Thankful. He says he loves you so he should step up to the plate and defend you to his parents. I’m sure he will! And maybe this will be what they need to see the light and realize how important you are to their son. Happy holidays!

Dee: It’s Thanksgiving, so be thankful you’re about to get better advice from me than Anne just gave you. If you’re thinking of marrying this man, remember that it’s better to have a turkey of a Thanksgiving without him this year than to be served up a platter of rejection every year from now on. The fact is, they've made “no secret” how little you mean to them. If your boyfriend hasn’t already straightened them out about how he feels about you, your goose is cooked, girl! Get out before someone starts pelting you with cranberries.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sisters and bad habits

Q: Dear Dee and Anne,

My sister borrows my clothes all the time without asking, then brings them back ruined or messed up. When we were kids it was one thing, but now that we're buying our own sweaters and skirts and paying for dry cleaning, it's a different story. We have keys to each other's apartments but I'm beginning to rethink that. What can I do?

Almost Naked and Broke

Anne: Dear Almost. Your sister is being thoughtless. Have you explained how angry her rudeness makes you feel? Have you tried presenting her with a cleaning bill? Sit her down and tell her in the clearest terms that you do not appreciate her actions. She loves you, so I'm sure once she knows how upset you are, she'll change.

Dee: Hey, Almost. If she can wear your clothes, you can wear hers. I have two words for you: Monica Lewinsky. "Borrow" her most expensive sexy dress and arrange to meet her boyfriend...in the backseat of his car. Make sure he leaves a little deposit and then let her know you have evidence of what he did. She won't be speaking to you--or keeping the guy. That's payback of a sort.

Should you rethink letting her keep a key? Hell yes! A word to the wise: get the key back before you screw her boyfriend or who knows what the bitch will do. Don't worry though, eventually she'll forgive you. Anne always forgives me no matter what I do to her.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Reading erotic romance

Q: My date brought a smutty book with him. While we waited for the movie to start, he opened it and pointed out passages to me. I was sickened. What should I do?

Anne: Looking on the bright side, at least your date could read. I assume you haven't done any of the things he read to you? Good girl!

Dee: First of all, why didn't he have the good sense to bring one of my books? They are not smut, and are much more conducive to putting a woman in the mood. Dump him immediately. He's an idiot. The next time, be sure to ask a man what he reads before going out. And if you really like him--assuming you're 18 or older--provide him with a primer of a good erotic romance. I can provide suggestions when you're ready.

And Anne, "good girl"??? Really.