Bed At 8, Sex Never

Q: This sounds sill, I know, but I have a problem. My wife gets up early to go t work, so she goes to bed at 8:00 PM or sometimes earlier. I can't go to sleep that early, so I go around 11:00 or sometimes midnight. She complains the next day if I wake her up for sex when I go to bed. She doesn't want to wake me up at 3:00 AM when she gets up because she says sex makes her sleepy and she would want to roll over and go to sleep again. How can we resolve this?

Anne: Can't you go and have sex (when the two of you are interested) when she goes to bed? Then you can get up again.

Dee: For God's sake, she doesn't care if you sleep, just that you fuck her when she goes to bed once in awhile. Make it a cuddle time every night until she falls asleep. What—you got something better to do? Or TV to watch? That's why God invented DVRs and TIVO. Now, go have sex with your wife and stop screwing around.

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Dream Lover

Q: I am a grown woman—well past childhood. But I have the biggest crush on a TV star. I won't say who it is, but he's on one of the CSI shows. Oh my God, I think of him all the time. I imagine him kissing me and running his hands all over my body while he tongues my nipples. I've never seen him naked, but I can picture him, erect and hard. I daydream about kneeling before him and sucking him off until he comes in my mouth. Worst, when my husband and I have sex, it's my dream man I feel pushing into me and I come harder than ever before. I know—I know—this kind of delusion is childish, but I can't seem to get past it. What can I do? I feel myself pulling away from my husband and daydreaming more about my Star Man.

Anne: I think this is more an issue between you and your husband. Something is wrong and you've substituted a safe lover for the man with whom you're having trouble. Get counseling before your daydreams ruin your marriage.

Dee: Wow! I had to take a break and sip something cold before I could sit still long enough to type.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming a secret lover now and then. We all have fantasies. But you have to know the difference between fucking a dream and fucking the man you've said you would spend your real life with. If you are confused about that, it's time to step back and reevaluate—maybe with a marriage counselor.

Do You KNow the Way to San Jose?

Q: Lately (for about a year now), I've been dating a man I love with all my heart. He loves me, too, but unfortunately he's married. His wife absolutely will not give him a divorce, though he's asked over and over. I live in Texas and he lives in California, near San Francisco. I've had to live with seeing him when he comes here on sales trips, and until now I've been thrilled with every moment we could steal. But last week I was offered a promotion at work and it's in San Jose, mere miles from where he lives. Living closer to him, I know I won't be happy with only a few tidbits of snatched time. I'm hoping to have him move in with me. On the other hand, I don't want to give his bitch of a wife more cause to make his life hell. If I don't take the promotion, we can go on as we have, hard as it is. But if I take it, maybe we could have a whole new life. What do you think?

Anne: Dating a married man brings grief over happiness 99% of the time. I don't know what will happen in your case, but take the promotion because it's right for you, not what it might or might not mean for you and your lover. Making a major decision like your life and livelihood based on someone else's desires is an invitation to misery.

Dee: Hey, dating a married man is okay as long as the sex is good. And married men never stretch the truth when it comes to describing their home lives to their mistresses. Right. And bears don't shit in the woods.

It's possible your guy is telling you the truth, that his wife won't give him a divorce. But no one can stop him from moving out of the house if he's so fuckin' unhappy with her. Keep an open mind—he might be lying to you. And don't be too surprised if he's not thrilled when he finds out you're moving close by. Your big promotion may not be the happy event to him that it is to you. If that's the case, you'd better examine his feelings for you and even more, your feelings for him.

Sex for Diamonds

Q: I want a diamond for Christmas in the worst way. I'm in my mid-20s and have been dating the same man for nine months. I love him and I think we are perfect together. I mean, everything about him is wonderful—he has a good job with great pay, he's handsome and he likes taking me out to great places. He's always buying me things and saying he wants to make me happy. And I am! Needless to say, the sex is fantastic. He's always ready to try new things and has taken me on sexual fantasies I didn't know I had. I tell him that every time he gives me a new present, I will give him a new treat in bed. So far the presents have been coming in and I've dug through sex books to come up with his rewards (he especially loves my blowjobs in unusual positions!). But now I want the real thing—a ring, a wedding and a piece of paper that says he's mine. What can do in these last weeks before Christmas to clinch the deal?

Anne: It sounds as though you're taken with him, but I wonder if it's for the right reasons. You don't say anything about him—his character, his soul. All you mention are material things. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why you're trying to "clinch the deal" instead of share a personal life with the man that goes beyond gifts and sex.

Dee: There's a word for women who have sex in exchange for money or gifts. Not to say that's you, but… Well, maybe I am saying that's you. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hey, your guy's a willing participant in all this. But he sounds as though he's happy showering you with gifts as long as he can stick you with his big one and maneuver through some new position once a week or so. You're wanting to change the rules of the game, and to me it sounds as though the reason is to secure that community property. Again, nothing wrong with that—a girl needs some security when those Kama Sutra tangles are no longer possible. Because, Lady, even if you should get that diamond, I don't see this as a long-term relationship. I don't think your guy does, either.

My advice? Keep up your looks and stay limber. Take all the gifts this guy is willing to give and then move on to the next guy who is willing to fuck in exchange for a few trinkets. If that's your idea of a relationship, there are always men willing to play along. But that's all it will be. Maybe you can ask your current boyfriend for references when he's ready to call it quits. The good news? In this rotten economy, you've found a job that actually pays, and pays pretty well. Good going!

Desperate Denver Dan

Q: How can I convince my wife to have sex when her family is visiting? This year has been hell. I'm working and my wife is, too. Unfortunately, a good number of her family is not, and they've all been staying with us. First one brother, then another brother with his wife and kid, her sister with her two kids and then her mom decided to come for two weeks. Now the first brother is lai off and back again. We have a small house and my wife has refused to have sex unless we happen to be home and all of them are out—which has happened twice in three months. I'm about to die—or kill someone. Which should I do to get back to normal relations?

Anne: You poor guy! But what a nice guy, too, to help your wife's family. I think (if financially possible) you should pay everyone to go out to dinner or a movie once a week. Or maybe you and your wife could afford a motel room now and then? You're stuck between helping family and helping yourself. Just remember that this bad economy won't last forever.

Dee: I understand it's difficult to explain to a brother that you want some time alone to hump his sister, but you are married. It's not like you're asking him to give you time alone to fuck his teenage sister in the bed of a 1985 Ford at the end of a farm lane in Virginia Beach. Not that anyone I know ever did that… Anyway, if you can't talk to her family and convince them to leave you alone, then you have to do something else. Go somewhere. "Get a room," or even use the bed of an old Ford pickup. Be imaginative or your marriage will end before the recession.

In the meantime, have you suggested she give you a little relief? A BJ might be nice to take the edge off, or even a hand job. Don't be shy.

MickyD Marriage Threat

Q: I am married to a junk food junkie. I only like to eat organic, healthy food and it drives me crazy to find a McDonald's wrapper in the car. Before we got married (9 months ago), she said she would change. She hasn't gained weight but we've been talking about starting a family, and how can I allow her to become pregnant when she cares so little for her health?

Anne: How can you allow her to become pregnant? This is something the two of you need to discuss and decide on, not just you. As for her eating habits, it's important, of course, but not the end of the world if your bride eats fast food now and then. Lighten up.

Dee: Yeah, we all know that fast food and healthy, natural food are opposites. If your wife stops at Hardees for a sausage biscuit at breakfast, goes to Taco Bell for lunch and hits MickeyDs for dinner every day, maybe you have reason to worry. But if she stops by one of those joints once in a while, it's nothing. My question to you is, you obviously knew she liked fast food before you got married, right? You marry someone the way they are, not the way you want them to be. You love 'er? Then give her a break and stop being a food nanny. I'll bet there are things about you that drive her crazy, too.

And just another little note, if she should start to gain a little fast food weight, fucking is great exercise. In bed there are always interesting things to eat--for both of you.

Losing Control in Cleveland

Q: I feel stifled. I need adventure. Unfortunately I have a husband and two children under the age of 7. What can I do? I feel like I'll die if I stay as I am.

Anne: This sounds like something more than we can deal with, but first, what have you done to make your life more adventurous? Do you have friends who also have young children? If so, have you talked about sharing time so everyone gets a break now and then? Are both of your kids in school? If so, have you considered taking a class at a local school, too? You don't say, but what is your age and skill set? Have you considered a part-time job? There are many available now that you can do at home if you have a computer. I think perhaps you need to use a little imagination. But I also think you need to talk to someone closer to you and the situation. Maybe your husband or a family member, minister or friend.

Dee: I can advise you on how to spice up your sex life, lady, but beyond that you'll have to come up with a few ideas of your own. However, there's a lot of adventure to be found between the sheets. Make sure you plan and allow time for some sex time with your husband—it's an important part of any healthy marriage. (With two kids under 7 you might want to make sure your birth control is up to snuff.)

If a little creative fucking isn't enough to lift your spirits, then try some of what Anne advised. Don't let the feelings fester, though. Do something. Take control of your life.

Wedding Bell (Dress) Blues

Q: I'm getting married in three weeks. Please tell me how to avoid murdering my future mother-in-law. She's a wonderful person. I'm sure someday—in a few years, maybe—we will love each other as dear friends. But not as long as she is driving me crazy over how to arrange the wedding. My mom isn't able to be here until just before the big event, so I appreciate future mom's input and help. I do. But I want something small and intimate and she sees something much grander. We don't have much time before my soon-to-be husband ships out overseas. I hate to spend it in turmoil. I'm afraid I'll soon end up saying something I'll regret. Help!

Anne: The fact of the matter is, weddings are emotional events--for the future MIL as well as for you. Emotions always make things harder to deal with. This is a job for your future husband. Have him tell his mother what the two of you want. At the very least he needs to be by your side supporting you or you and your future MIL will start off on the wrong foot.

Dee: What she said. Especially since in a short while he is going to be gone leaving you to deal with his mom. You don't want her to be a Dragon Lady—or to see you as one.

Now if your husband doesn't care about the wedding—he just wants to get you in the sack so he can screw your brains out before he departs, well, maybe that's a good compromise. If it comes down to being in total stress over whether you have a sit down dinner or a snack bar, it's not worth it. The whole point to a wedding is legal screwing. Get to that part with as little stress as possible. After all, when it comes down to it, relationships are important, not standing on ceremony.

Virgin in Virginia and Hating It

Q: I'm fifteen and have just started dating the guy of my dreams. I've had a crush on him for two years and couldn't believe it when he asked me out two weeks ago. Since then we've been together every single day. I love him and he says he loves me. I want to show him how much by having sex, but he won't do it. He signed a contract saying he would remain celibate until marriage, which I think is totally unreasonable. If he really loved me, wouldn't he want to share making love? I'm the only one of my friends who's still a virgin and I want to change that with Joey, the boy I want to be with forever. How do I convince him?

Anne: First of all, think about what virginity means. It says that you respect yourself enough to wait until you find the man (the man) you want to marry and have children with. That's the purpose of sex, not the random coupling that people use it for today. Second, you could be right, but the odds of you and Joey lasting to marriage--or even 11th grade--are slim. The divorce rate for people who date a long time and swear before their family and friends that they will "honor and cherish until death do them part" is 50%, so realistically, the chances you and Joey will last is very, very low. So if you give yourself to him, what do you do with the next boy (next boy) you "love." Last, being the only virgin in your group is not a good reason to hop into the backseat with Joey or any other boy. Losing your virginity is something that only happens once, get it? Make sure you're giving it away for the right reason, with your dignity and self worth in place and in mind.

Dee: I agree with Anne's advice, yet not the preachy style she uses to say it. Listen, before you have sex, ask your minister or counselor at school or your parents (best choice if you can talk to them) to let you talk to one or two unwed mothers. Having a child--or an abortion--at your age is not something to take lightly.

The fact is, when you're engaging in risky behavior, sometimes you make bad decisions, like having sex without protection, like drinking or using drugs so that you're not thinking clearly, or maybe letting yourself feel pressured to do something you're simply not ready to do. Adults make bad decisions, too, but your hormones are running crazy right now, making rational thought nearly impossible at times.

My advice? Pay attention to Joey. Don't have sex until you're older and you know more about what you're doing. If you're going to have sex no matter what we say, ALWAYS use a condom, no matter what a guy tells you or how carried away you are. A diagnosis of HIV is common in the 24-28 age group, which means teens are contracting the disease. Birth control in addition to a condom is not a bad thing. My mom told me when I was a teen and it's still true, use an aspirin for birth control. One aspirin, held tightly between the knees, is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy.

Ring-ring! Husband Calling.

Q: I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. BUT, whenever I'm away from home he calls me three or four times a day. I often travel to my mother's or to our second home. At either place, I have things to do. When he phones, it's always at an inconvenient time, and it's almost always to tell me something that's unimportant--or at least could wait. When I'm short with him, he says it doesn't sound as though I miss him and he's hurt. I've tried asking him to call between two times (like 5:30 - 6:00) but he still calls whenever he has something to say. What can I do to get through to him?

Anne: Is this a trust issue? Surely your husband knows you aren't out running around on him if you go to help your mother or completing work at your other home. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will call him nightly (or at some time you agree on), and you would appreciate not receiving calls at other times unless there's an emergency. With a specified time he knows you will talk, he might save all of his news or comments for then.

Dee: WTF? Your husband calls you multiple times during the day to chat? When he knows you're tied up with chores and other things to do? I mean, it's nice to know he misses you, but tell him to grow up, for Christ's sake. You're his wife, not his mommy.

It seems to me that two adults can restrain themselves to talking once a day when they're away from each other unless there is business to transact. As Anne said, set a time to talk and then make sure you are ready to spend a few minutes with him at that time. If he can't get that through his head, then whenever he calls, tell him you're in the middle of xxx and say, "Here, honey, talk to my mother because I really don't have time right now." I'm pretty sure he won't keep calling when he shouldn't.

Is This the Year?

Q: Every year I hope for a marriage proposal on New Year's Eve, and for four years I've been disappointed. This past summer I broke off with my boyfriend after five years of dating. Last week he asked me to a party on Dec 31 but I've already accepted an invitation with someone else. My old boyfriend says he has something important to ask me, and now I think he really means to pop the question. Should I break my date and take another chance on him, or move on? I'm 31 and want a chance for happiness and a family, but I can't help it, I love this schmuck.

Anne: This close to New Year's Eve, it wouldn't be very fair to your current date to cancel. Besides, your old boyfriend doesn't exactly have a very good track record. Isn't last week a little late to ask you? Explain that you already have a date for the big night, but that you'd be happy to see him on New Year's Day and he can ask you the question then.

Dee: It seems to me the guy is either shocked by your break up and has finally seen the light, or he wants to push the envelope and see how tied to him you really are. I have the feeling it's the latter, which means nothing but bad things. If he really had feelings for you he'd ask you to marry him now, without waiting for the 31st. That way he would be assured you'd be his date for the beginning of the new year. Do not break your date. Your old boyfriend is playing games and you deserve better. (I assume.)

Old Dog Learning New Tricks?

Q: Maybe I just need to sound this out. I'm not even sure I have a problem, but let me tell you what happened a month or so ago. My husband of 20 years went to Texas for a week's conference for his work. When he returned, he seemed different. Not drastically, not in a huge way, but subtly. He wanted to shop for clothes the first weekend back and bought a cardigan sweater. I've known the man for most of my life and I've never seen him in a cardigan. He's made an appointment to get Lasik surgery, saying he was tired of wearing glasses. He started jogging again the day after he got home, after giving up the activity for the past five years. He's not distant but maybe a little preoccupied. He mentioned last night that he needs to return to Texas for client meetings in a month or so, though he doesn't normally handle that region. Should I be worried?

Anne: Gosh, that does sound strange. Why don't you suggest going with him if it's possible? If he makes all kinds of excuses, maybe you should worry a bit, but I hate for you to borrow trouble. As he spruces up, maybe you should also. Try jogging with him, pick up on healthful eating if he's looking to lose weight or take more than a normal interest in his business or hobby or whatever. But if things continue not to feel right, don't hesitate to ask him about his Texas trip and why he's different. Even if the news is bad it's better to know than to wonder.

Dee: Animals find out about each other by scent. Dogs stick their noses right in where the sun don't shine to discover who another dog is and where he's been. So don't be afraid to be a bitch (so to speak) and sniff, Honey. To me, you might well get the whiff of another dog hanging around. Men are dogs in some ways, and it's easy after many years of being with one woman to be flattered into the arms of another. Put a stop to it now before it goes too far. Unlike dogs, make sure your husband (and the little, yippy bitch nipping at his heels) knows that you are the one he'd better be humping--or you'll take his little doggie balls in your hand and squeeze. This is no time to be subtle.

My Son is Getting Married--Maybe

Q: My son is getting married in October. I like his bride all right except she's very opinionated, especially about the wedding. Her parents are overseas and won't be here until a few days before the wedding and both my son and his fiancée work full-time so I volunteered to help her plan everything. The trouble is she's so particular and doesn't appreciate my offer much. I know the city and the venues, and I have a very good sense of style. The girl won't listen to reason, though. I'm afraid this is going to cause trouble between her and my son before they even walk down the aisle. What should I do?

Anne: So are you saying your son agrees with you and not with his intended? I'm sure your sense of style is just wonderful, but are you sure you're being fair? This is her wedding, after all. I'd advise you to make a list of how you think things should be done and compare it to your future daughter in law's list. See where there is agreement. That will show where you need to come to a consensus. But no arguing! This should be a happy time.

Dee: I'm sure you're not trying to be a bitch. Or maybe you are--I'm not one to judge. I have one piece of advice for you. Repeat this mantra: This is not my wedding. This is not my wedding.

The way I see it, unless you are paying for the whole shabang--in which case you do have the right for input if costs are skyrocketing--your job is to give advice when asked. Key words: when asked. If the wedding turns out ugly, a complete mess or nothing the way you envision, know what? You don't have to look at the pictures years from now. Be more concerned with your son's and his new wife's happiness and less about controlling their beginning.

Family Affairs

Q: I told my husband a few years ago (after a couple of drinks) that I thought his brother was a sexy hunk. I assured him nothing had happened between George (that's his brother) and me and never would. He said he understood why I thought so. Now, for last several months, every time we get together with my family I see my husband getting friendly with my sister. Worse, I think she'd flirting with him, too. I mentioned my fears to hubby and he said nothing was happening, and besides, I'd found George sexy so I don't have room to criticize him for thinking my sister was. I didn't even know he remembered my saying that about George. I'm worried. What should I do?

Anne: Talk to your sister and tell her that you know she doesn't mean to, but you're afraid your husband might be mistaking her friendliness for flirting. Ask her to let him know in no uncertain terms that she is not interested. Then talk to your husband again. Remind him that nothing happened between you and his brother and you expect the same will be true about him and your sister. If he knows you're uncomfortable, he should do everything he can to improve the situation.

Dee: Take a digital camera with you to every family occasion. If you see a flirtatious moment, quietly snap a photo. When you have a few pictures, print them and show them to hubby--maybe sis, too--along with word that you've heard of a good divorce lawyer and that you plan to leave him nothing but a few nuts--he'll know which ones you mean. I'll bet sis and hubby don't even sit in the same room after that.

Messing around when you're married is wrong. Messing around with family when you're married is wrong and stupid.

Jobless in Colorado

Q: I lost my job a month ago. I've looked but there's nothing for me in this area, which is Colorado Springs. I've found a possibility for work--just a possibility--in Texas, but every time I mention it to my wife, she freaks. We've lived here since we were married. We have two kids and her parents live half a mile away. I know it's hard for her to think of moving, but if there's no work, there's no work. Lately there's been no sex, too. What can I do to convince her?

Anne: Jobless, I sympathize totally with you! However, of course it's hard for your wife to think about picking up and moving when she's not even sure there's a job for you in Texas. My advice is to keep looking for work in your hometown but check further into the job in Texas. Maybe if you find there is a job and they're ready to hire you if you relocate, your wife will see the logic. I think right now it's the uncertainty that has her upset. Good luck!

Dee: From my own point of view, there's never a good excuse for not having sex. If someone is withholding from someone else out of spite or anger, then shame! On the other hand, if stress is causing the lack of mattress bouncing, then consider that sex isn't all about intercourse. It's also about cuddling and lending comfort to the person you love. In hard times, this is needed more than ever. And by the way if you or your wife needs a little "Put Tab B into Slot A" guidance, maybe you should pick up a Dee S. Knight or Francis Drake book!

Now to the move. Definitely find out if there's a job in Texas. If there is, maybe you'd go down and work for a short while without your family, just to make sure everything is as you thought it would be, before uprooting everyone. Maybe your in-laws can keep the kids and your wife can go down and check things out with you. And if it looks like you need to move for work, then by golly, your wife will have to bite the bullet and do it. In this day, you take opportunities where you can find them. Pulling together during hard times as well as good is what marriage is all about. And besides, she might find out the adventure of living in a new place is wonderful. Stranger things have happened. I join Anne in saying good luck!