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Send your question--any question-- to dsknight@deesknight.com. Please include your name and put Question in your subject line. Thanks!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry Christmas - Happy New Year!

Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays and a safe and blessed New Year!!

We will be back in 2012--good heavens, where did 2011 go?

With much love,
Dee and Anne

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas Gifts to the Boyfriend's Mother

Q: My boyfriend's mother has given me a Christmas present for each of the three years we've been dating. I never know what to get her in return. I'm in my senior year of college and don't have a lot of money, but I hate not to reciprocate in some way. Any ideas?

Anne: If she's a real lady, she will appreciate most anything you give her. Does she have a favorite flower? You can often find reasonable prices on flowers. I gave my boyfriend's mother beautiful paperweights or small pewter figures. Ask your boyfriend what she likes.

Dee: Give her the gift she really wants, which is to be nice to her son, respectful to her and not to get preggo before any possible marriage. Dust collectors are nice and required now and then, but keep the main gifts in mind, girlie.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Holiay Weight Gain

Q: Every single year I am surrounded by baked goods and other yummies during the holidays. And every year I gain weight. What can I do to avoid nibbling on all this food?

Anne: Make a formal request that food be brought to a central place—maybe the break room—instead of having them everywhere, then limit how often you go into the break room. Make a formal request that healthy food be part of the mix. Munching on carrots or fruit is much better for you than baked goods and you still feel that you're enjoying snacks. Make a formal request that bringing in food be limited to one or two days a week. There are other suggestions, but try these and see if you get results.

Dee: Look, the holidays come once a year. Indulge! Exercise and restrict your diet during the other 40-45 weeks of the year. If you're looking for other ways you can snack and keep down your waistline, find new methods to burn calorie. Do you know that you can burn up to 321 calories by engaging in 15 minutes of foreplay and 35 minutes of fucking? A 1-inch brownie has less than 38 calories; a 1-inch chocolate chip cookie has fewer than 70 calories. So give me a break. Eat!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Choosing Children in Cinnci

Q: I've been engaged for four years to a fabulous woman. The trouble is, she doesn't want kids. I kept thinking she would come around, but after two years of dating and four years of planning to marry, she hasn't. We're both in our late twenties and have great, professional jobs. Money isn't a problem, security isn't an issue. We have wonderful families with great role models. I love this woman. What should I do?

Anne: If this is a deal breaker, you have little choice. Either you give up your dream of a family, marry her anyway and hope the biological clock kicks in, or you give up the girl and start looking for someone who does want a family. Only you can decide how important it is for you to have children, and only you can decide what to do about it.

Dee: You are adults and you've been engaged for four years?? Holy shit. I sure hope you've been having sex during all this time. Which brings up another question. Your fiancĂ©e does know how babies are made, right? She knows how much fun it is and all? If not, you're not doing your job very well. Screw her silly several times a week and who knows? Fate might turn in your direction. Remember, the only truly 100% reliable birth control is an aspirin—held tightly between the knees. With any other method, it's a crap shoot. The more you fuck, the more the odds are in your favor. It's also good for weight control…

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Anne and I hope each of you is enjoying a wonderful, safe, blessed holiday with your family, friends and other loved ones--as we are. See you right back here next week.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thanksgiving Traditions

Q: My husband insists that I make Thanksgiving dinner exactly as his mother always did when he was growing up. That means only turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, that Campbell's green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert. For twenty-two years I've humored him because we always hosted the family holidays and it seemed so damn important. But this year we are by ourselves. I don't see the need of preparing all that food for just the two of us. Plus, for all of those years, he played host while I managed all the kitchen chores—preparation, cooking and roasting and baking, and clean-up, with help from the other women in the family. I have been looking forward to the years when I could enjoy the holidays as much as he always seems to, and this is it. However, again he's insisting that we have the full-court meal. We can freeze leftovers, he says, and besides, it's "tradition." I'd like to tradition him. How can I convince him I can be very thankful not to have to prepare the meal this year?

Anne: Give him this letter you just sent us. Maybe it will open his eyes. Out of curiosity, what are the rest of the family doing this year? Maybe you can join them?

Dee: Thanksgiving is about more than the fucking turkey. Tell him he can all he wants of whatever traditional meal by taking you to Picadilly Cafeteria (or restaurant of your choice). Then you'll both enjoy the dinner.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

NOT Brotherly Love

Q: I'm so embarrassed I can't believe I'm even writing you. My problem is, my brother—who is three years older than I am and a senior in high school—has been having sex with me. It started a couple of years ago when he accidentally walked in on me when I was showering. Shortly after, he found ways to brush against me. When we were home alone he would corner me and kiss me, and then touch me, until one night when my parents were out at a party, he sneaked into my room and actually had sex with me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him and make him go away, I wanted to throw up, but instead I froze. It was my first time and I cried a lot for days, so much that my mom said I looked awful and wanted to take me to the doctor. Privately my brother said if I turned him in he'd make me sorry—and since I didn't scream or fight him, no one would believe I wasn't willing. From somewhere he found birth control pills and had me take them. After that, he took me whenever and wherever he could. The worst thing is, I have orgasms, so part of me must like what he does. I feel dirty and used. I want to kill myself. What can I do?

Anne: Immediately get help. Tell your parents, talk to a school nurse or your minister or counselor. DO NOT WAIT! Forget the embarrassment. What happened is not your fault—in fact most sexual abuse is done by someone the abused person knows. You won't be the first girl to have to tell on your brother. He played on your fears to have his way.

I am serious—find someone to talk to right away. Dee and I are not qualified in this kind of situation to recommend more than that.

Dee: Your brother raped you, nothing less. He could (and should) go to jail for what he's doing, especially since you were a child when he started and you’re still underage. You must tell someone what's been happening. Do not waste any time doing so.

If you can't bring yourself to talk to someone you know, there are online organizations that could help: http://www.stopitnow.org/ or http://www.protect.org/home. But it would be best if your parents knew or a teacher or someone locally who could remove you from your situation. Please write back and let us know that you found help.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Thanksgiving Embarrassment

Q: I live with my boyfriend, which my parents don't know. He wants us to invite both of our families to the house for Thanksgiving. I would rather not since I don't want to advertise the fact that we're cohabitating. What should I do?

Anne: Tell your boyfriend you're uncomfortable—not embarrassed (unless that's true? In which case I'd advise moving to your own place), but unwilling to rub it in your parents' faces that you are living with someone you're not married to. Then plan to go home.

Dee: How about his parents? Would you feel differently if it was just his parents coming to dinner and not yours? If so, you should re-evaluate why you've decided to live in a situation that obviously embarrasses you. If I'm wrong and you are not embarrassed, you need to explain your living conditions to your parents before inviting them to the house. However, your note makes me thing of the old adage: Don't do the time if you can't do the time. Change it to: If you fuck and then you blush, to playing house you should not rush. Take a long, hard look at your feelings about living with the boyfriend before you imagine how your folks will feel.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Vibrators 101

Q: What's the difference in vibrators? Are the biggest ones the best?

Anne: Having never used a vibrator, I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm sure there are sites online that will describe the various models.

Dee: Unlike Sis, I've used many different vibrators. The biggest is not necessarily the best, I can tell you that. Make sure you find a size and style that suits you. The largest unit might hurt or not fit comfortably unless you lubricate it well. Wherever you buy the unit will also sell lube, so don't forget it. Also remember to buy something specifically designed to clean your unit—different styles use different cleaners.

You'll get lots of information from my favorite sex toy site, Adam and Eve. Right now they're featuring a G-spot vibrator, and they offer a picture explanation of where the G-spot is. But they also sell large and smaller vibrators with a skin-like covering, glass units that can be chilled and warmed before use (chilling gives a whole new exciting sensation), eggs that vibrate (all I can say is, wow!), and rabbit styles, some made of gel that I don't particularly find comfortable, but they also feature an additional appendage that vibrates the clitoris while the main part stimulates the vagina. Pussy and clit stimulation together can't be beat!

But, it all comes down to what you find comfortable. Browse Adam and Eve and other sites, read the reviews, and then pick something to try. There is no right or wrong unless what you try doesn't feel good.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Child Abuse Without Using the Strap

Q: My mom hates me. I'm not just saying that, she really does. She's told me many times that I was a horrible mistake and how much she lost and gave up because she got pregnant with me. She never praises me for anything I do. I'm a sophomore in high school. I have very good grades and am a valued member of clubs and community organizations. I cook dinner every night and keep the house clean so when she comes home from work she has nothing to do. Still, all she ever does is run me into the ground and say how useless I am. In front of others she's sweetness and light about me, but in private it's just the opposite. I don't know how much longer I can take this. What should I do?

Anne: This is a tragic situation. You don't mention a father or other family members,. so I assume you and your mom are alone in the house. Is there an aunt or family friend you might be able to talk to? If not, I suggest speaking with a counselor at school (who should keep your conversations private) or maybe a minister. You need a responsible adult to whom you can talk frankly. Don't bottle your feelings. You have three years left before you can realistically leave the house, so find help with someone you trust. You might be able to find a solution that allows you to blossom despite your mother.

Dee: It sounds as though your mother is a shit, and Anne is right. This is child abuse and needs to stop right away. You need to find an adult who has your best interests are heart who can help you escape her abuse. That could be a doctor, a school counselor or nurse, a minister or even someone who heads one of the organizations you belong to. Most of those people can at least listen and offer suggestions as to a next step. Good luck.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Stripping for College Bucks

Q: I come from a very religious family. I mean, church twice on Sunday, choir practice and a Bible lessons during the week. I didn't have an unhappy childhood,. but I guess I always knew that life wasn't for me. Now I'm twenty and trying to make the money I need to complete my degree. I was offered the chance to strip in a local club. The money is really good and I only have to work three nights a week. I've been to the club and felt an immediate bond with the women who worked there. I know I could do this, but I'm afraid if my family found out they would disown me. What should I do?

Anne: If it's not illegal or immoral, you have to follow your heart. The question is, do you believe stripping to be immoral? Your family will, from what you've said. If you can face their dismay and believe in yourself enough to withstand their criticism, then you should be all right. Just remember, money aside, you need to be able to face yourself in the mirror each day.

Dee: You're twenty years old and (it sounds) paying for your own education. The decision of how you live your life is up to you. You'll be faced with other decisions in life that will bring their criticism even if you don't strip. If you find the place is safe and that they don't expect you to fuck the customers (or owners), I say go for it. It's not like once you start you can't leave if you discover it's not what you think now. Give it a shot if you want, and let your family decide whether or not they love you, regardless of what you do.

Monday, October 3, 2011

More Than Babies Like Nipples

Q: My girlfriend wears her clothes too short and tight. Sometimes she doesn't wear a bra, so her nipples are visible through her tops. Everywhere we go men ogle her, but she doesn't seem to mind looking and acting like a slut. I love seeing her look sexy, but I want to be the only man who sees her like that. When I bring it up to her, she just says I should be proud that other men find her sexy, and to stop feeling jealous. Somehow, it doesn't work that way for me. But whenever we come home, the sex is hotter than the sun.

Anne: This is a real problem and I feel for you. Unfortunately, it's her body and her choice of what she wears. As long as she stays covered enough not to be arrested, you're out of luck.

Dee: The last line of your note says it all—the sex is hot after you've been out and watched your girl nearly show it all to other men. You might not like seeing them leer, but you like the results later on. So are you really so much against her exposure?

Look, you have to decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not. If you can't stand seeing her nipples on full display for others, then leave. If you like the hot fucking more then you dislike her short skirts and braless tops, then shut up and learn to enjoy her attributes in public as well as private.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Tolerating Cheaters

Q: I am a high school senior. On our first math test I saw one of my best friends cheat off of the person sitting next to her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose a friend, but what she did is wrong. On the other hand, is it so wrong? The person she cheated off of is really stupid, so she's bound to be worse off than if she'd just guessed. What should I do?

Anne: Whether or not the person off whom she cheated is worthy of being cheated off of isn't the question--it doesn't matter. I would find a way to ask your friend about the incident. Is there a chance you didn't see what you think? If she admits the cheating to you, it doesn't relieve you of responsibility. Your teacher needs to know.

Dee: At Virginia Military Institute, their honor code states that cheating, lying and stealing will not be tolerated and neither will people who themselves tolerate those things. This means that if you know your friend cheated and you do nothing, you're as much a problem as she is. You don't have to wave your arm in the air and shout, "Cheater!" but maybe there's a way you can alert your teacher to check the two papers. Send her a note if you don't want to talk to her in person, or talk to your parents and see if they will help. But once you let it go, it will always be there between you and your friend. Worse, she will be within her rights to say you're an accomplice.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Give Us a Break on Football

Q: Football season has just started and I'm already sick of it. My boyfriend is sitting there right now watching Michael Vick and the Eagles beat some other team. Thursday night it was Green Bay and New Orleans. On Monday it's Miami and someone else. Give me a break! Michael Vick shouldn't even be allowed to play pro ball anymore after what he did, and he's just one reason why men and boys shouldn't dedicate their lives to watching football. How can I stop having football on my TV every Sunday until January?

Anne: Every year we get letters from women who want their husbands or boyfriends to stop watching football. It's not going to happen. Find something else to do with your time—go to the movies or take up a craft or read (I can recommend a couple of great authors to you J ). Trying to keep football off the air is like trying to stop the day from dawning.

Dee: Believe me, I love thinking about men and balls, but I'm tired of telling women how to use sex to distract their significant others from football. If Michael Vick is more intriguing to your boyfriend than you are, too damn bad. Take your vibrator to the bedroom and work off some of your resentment. Then either join your guy on the couch and cheer on his favorite teams or find something else to do. You should at least enjoy the commercials—no show on TV has better commercials than football. It's only for a few months so for God's sake, stop whining. And that goes for the rest of your football widows out there.

Monday, September 12, 2011

A 9/11 Memorial

Anne and I are sorry we missed the blog last week. Jack was home and it was a holiday and we just plain forgot.

This week we remember those who lost their lives on 9/11/2001 and those who have given their lives since then to secure and protect our freedom and nation. Thank you.

Q: It's been ten years since the vicious attack on New York and Washington, D.C. What can I do to support America and freedom each and every day?

Anne: How wonderful for you to ask. There are a multitude of things to do that will honor our great nation: give blood regularly, donate time to an organization like a nursing home, a school or hospital, purchase teddy bears for your local sheriff or police department to use in domestic violence cases where there are children, put together small toiletry packets for use in shelters. Contact your local organizations to see where your talents can best be used.

Dee: Remember our military men and women and their families. Contact the USO, a local military installation or the Department of Defense to offer donations or time.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Better Use for Tongues

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I have been without Internet due to a server crash at Time Warner. What fun!

Q: Yesterday we had a fire drill at work. A co-worker made a joke when we gathered at the far end of the parking lot that he would just let the flames get him next time rather than tromp down three flights of steps and walk so far. Lots of people laughed but I gave him a sharp tongue-lashing. My parents died in a fire when I was a child, and it's nothing to make fun of. Now some people think I'm the rude one. What did I do wrong??

Sometimes people say things that are in poor taste but they don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Did this person know you had suffered such a tragedy? I'll bet not. Maybe you should have said something quietly to him instead of in front of others. In fact, maybe you can apologize in just that way now. Once he knows your circumstances I'm sure he will apologize right back for making a crude joke.

Dee: Not to minimize your loss, but fuck a duck, lady. How in hell was the guy supposed to know that your parents died in a fire?? Think back and carefully—haven't you ever said something that might better have been left unsaid? If you say no, think again because we all have. There are plenty of reasons to be offended in life without going out to look for reasons.

And while we're on the subject of things better left unsaid, how old are you, anyway? The last time I heard anyone say they gave someone a tongue-lashing, I was playing with a spoon and my grandmother was changing Anne's diapers. In this day and age—and in my world—"tongue lashing" means something very different and much more pleasurable.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Too Young? Yeah. Jeez!

Q: I am fourteen and want to start wearing lipstick and shorter skirts. My mom is from the dark ages and insists I'm too young but my friends all do it (and worse). They have boyfriends, while I'm always alone—without a boy. How can I convince her to let me grow up??

Anne: I'm sure I will sound just like your mom when I say not to rush things—you'll grow up fast enough. You should enjoy the age you are—every year brings its pleasure, and boys will come soon enough. Take it slowly, regardless of your friends. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, and then you will appreciate a relationship with a boy much more.

Dee: If only you were much older. If you were and complained about not having a man I would send you to a web site that explained how to have sex (because that's where you're headed) safely. I'd give you much different advice. But you're fourteen (jeez!), so I will behave.

Look. With each step you take in life, there are consequences and changes you can never take back or change. And it's human nature to want more, no matter what you have now.

So how does that apply to your question? Let's take a hypothetical situation. (If you don't know what hypothetical means you sure as hell are not old enough to be dating.) A fourteen-year-old girl I know named…um, Sally wants to do what her friends do. It so happens her friends date—or maybe meet guys somewhere that their parents don't know about. Sally sneaks with them and does the same. She wears makeup that her mom forbids and pulls her skirt up to her thighs.

Guys, being guys, will try to get the girls to do more than raise their skirts to their thighs. They might encourage drinking or drugs—both things that will loosen Sally's inhibitions. Before Sally and her friends know it, they’re kissing the guys, they're letting the guys touch a little. Maybe they touch a little, too, and it's exciting and feels good. Really good. One thing no one tells a young girl is that foreplay feels great. The more a guy does, the better it feels and before you know it, you aren't thinking much anymore.

It's at this point that some girls lose all sense and go all the way. They let the guy fuck them—'cause fucking is what it is, Missy. There's nothing romantic about it, no matter what nonsense the guy spouts at the moment. He's only saying whatever it takes to get in your pants—remember that.

Now here's what I want you to think about:
Probably in a matter of weeks, Sally has gone from a normal fourteen-year-old to a girl who "puts out." That's what the guys will say to each other, and before she knows it, she'll have lots of guys hanging around—all wanting her to spread her legs. Hey! Nothing against the guys—it's the way male children are (some male adults, too). They will expect Sally to continue doing what she's already started.

At fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, what else is there? Sally has already done it all, and the thrill and/or pleasure has worn off. And SHE CAN'T EVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

That might not seem like much now, but think about it. Which road do you want to take? I'm sure you keep whining to your mother that you're grown up and can make decisions for yourself. Well, prove it by making the right decision now. There's plenty of time for screwing around later. You'll enjoy it more, believe me.

If you choose the wrong path, please talk to your mother and tell her if you get involved in sex. Take precautions against disease and pregnancy. But I hope you hold off.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Jealous in Jefferson City

Q: I hate my brother, Mike. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everything he does he's so good at. Everything I do I flop. My parents are always bragging about him—he has the best grades, he dates the most wonderful girls, drives the fanciest car and has the greatest job in the world (he's a lawyer). I had so-so grades, went through a Goth stage where the girls I dated wore black everything. Now I guess I still lean toward the edgy rather than sweet and sunny…like Mike. My job is okay (I work in a local factory). I make decent money and support myself. I'm just sick and tired of hearing how great Mike is, I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings. how can I deal with this?

Anne: Well first, you didn't tell us how Mike handles all this adoration. Is he snooty, full of himself and generally obnoxious? Or does he take everything well. Do the two of you get along when you're by yourselves? If that's the case, maybe you could talk to him about how it makes you feel when your parents go on and on about him. If he's loving it, though, and hard to bear even alone, maybe you either have to tell your parents how you feel in such a way that won't hurt their feelings. You might find your parents don't even realize they're praising your brother so much. If you can't do that, you'll have to learn to deal with it. Hating your brother isn't the answer, though. In the end, that only hurts you.

Dee: I can answer this question from experience because all I ever heard growing up was how wonderful Anne was.

Anne: What???

Dee: Yes. Mom and Dad bragged about you like you were a saint.

Anne: Did not.

Dee: Did too. But did I ever hate you? Well, maybe a little, between the ages of 4 and 16, but I eventually learned to get over it. And so must you, Writer. Hating your brother or sister—

Anne: Oh, for pity's sake, I don't believe this.

Dee: —doesn't bother them at all because they usually don't know you're hating them. Even when you throw their favorite doll into the toilet or tell their blind date that she can't go out because of a sudden flare up of herpes.

Anne: I'm going to kill you…

Dee: So the best medicine is to go with the flow. If your parents say something nice about Mikey, just agree with them. If he gets a new car, tell him it's great. It isn't going to kill you, but that bitter jealousy will.

Make sure when you do good things you let people know, too. Don't expect everyone to be mind-readers. Blow your own horn or no one will. I truly believe that once you let go of your negative feelings, you'll find things aren't as bad as you thought—and you will feel better yourself.

If not, well fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Landlord Wants Too Much for Rent

Q: My landlord said he would forgive my rent each month if I would have sex with him oe night a month. I'm not a virgin or anything, and I'm a graduate student so I'm always strapped for cash. He's not a bad looking guy, and if I met him out somewhere I might even be interested. But there's something making me feel used in this situation. I can't afford to lose my apartment. What should I do?

Anne: Call the department in your city that handles fair business practices and turn him in. Someone at your school will know who to turn to. Do it!! If he made this proposition to you, he's made it to others. He needs to be stopped.

Dee: You know what? Follow Anne's advice. Then ask to meet him in a public place, say a local coffee shop. Then tell him that had he approached you there, and made conversation, he wouldn't have regretted it. Tell him that you find him attractive, and if only he had tried to meet you in a regular way, you would have fucked him all night for weeks on end without any demands on him. Tell him you would have sunk to the floor of the shop right then and there and sucked him off and given him head whenever he wanted it. Tell him if he had acted like a decent, normal human, interested in you instead of having power over you, your body would have burned for him. But instead, you’re screwing him in a different way. (This is why you meet in public.) Make sure you've got the goods against him and have dotted your "I's" before you tackle this. The bastard. Too bad you can't get near his balls with a vise grip.

Monday, August 1, 2011

A Little Virtual Viagra

It's been a long time since we were online, but just like the Terminator, "We came back." We hope you are back with us!

There were many questions submitted while we were traveling from Virginia to Idaho, and here's one now.

Q: My husband is furious with me. He is a programmer professionally, so I thought when he came home he'd want a break, but he doesn't. He eats dinner and then disappears into the office until bedtime. He never talks about what he's doing, so earlier this week I started his computer just to look at the desktop. All of these porn sites opened up. I was shocked—I mean really shocked. We are church elders and follow the Bible. How could he sit in here for hours and look at naked women?? Don't get me wrong. There was nothing too perverse—no children or other men—but he has me for sex for why does he need to see these other…things?

Anne: I'm sure there is a good psychological reason why men enjoy porn, but the simple explanation is that they're more visually stimulated than women. The sight of a bare breast is exciting to them. Now it sounds as though your hubby has gone off the deep end, if he's spending hours at the computer terminal. I would suggest that you seek help—maybe couples counseling or a session with your minister—to see why he's looking for fulfillment in the virtual world rather than in the real bedroom.

Dee: What kind of sex life do you have? I mean. do you have a Bible reading before sleep? I believe in the Good Book, but (let's face it) that could have a diminishing effect on a man's pokey stick, you know? Instead of complaining about those nekkid girls, why don't you try joining them? Meet him at the door with nothing on but a smile, or tell him that dessert is on you, and really serve dessert on you. Your husband is obviously seeking something more exciting and "out there" than what he thinks he's getting at home. Maybe you should be happy that he is looking at girls on the computer screen and not out fucking some hot box in an alley.

On the other hand, you didn't mention your ages. Are you young, newly married, a mature couple, or in-between? That has some bearing on the situation, too. Is he accompanying the peek shows with phone sex? If you're too worried about greeting him with nothing on, maybe you could call him with a little oral stimulation—your lips whispering nasty, enticing images into his ear via the phone. In other words, don't just complain—get off your ass and do something to spark his interest.

If none of that words, seek out a therapist or divorce lawyer.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Moving Yet Again

Hi, A Little Sisterly Advice readers,

Anne and I are on the road again, this time to the great Northwest. While we are in the process of moving, the computer may be down a whole month and a half (yikes!) and we will be out of touch.

As soon as we are back up and running we will post answers to the questions you send us--so please keep sending those questions! We will receive them as soon as we have e-mail contact.

Wish us well in the move and the new jobs. We will miss you!!

Please enjoy some questions and answers from the past nearly three years of posts by clicking in the archive folders.

Take care, and please keep checking back for us--
Anne and Dee

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Very Worried Sister

Q: I have reason to believe my brother-in-law is planning to harm my sister. I don't have proof, just a suspicion. What should I do?

Anne: Good heavens! How sure are you? Enough to go to authorities, warn your sister, take action if there are children involved? Or do you have a good enough imagination that you're stretching the facts? If you think there is real, imminent danger, talk to your sister—or brother-in-law. But if you're not sure there's really something imminent, remember that words can't be taken back and you will be affecting family dynamics forever.

Dee: First off, stop watching the Investigation Discovery network. Next, make damn sure you have your facts straight. You don't want to be the sister who says, "I knew something was wrong and I should have said something," but you also don't want to be the one who isn't included at Christmas because no one is speaking to you.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Overweight Sister

Q: My sister is fat. I mean F-A-T. Over 250 pounds and she's not that tall. I've told her for years that she needs t lose weight, but she says I'm picking on her because I'm her big brother and should leave her alone. She's 28 and still not married. I know her weight is the reason. How can I make her see how unattractive she makes herself?

Anne: Here's an idea, why don't you leave her alone? If you had said that she was miserable with her state or you worried about her health, I might have some sympathy for your view. But she's 28 and not married?? I think you might be picking on her because you're her big brother. Lay off.

Dee: Who died and made you God? If it comes to appearances, unzip and drop trou, Mister. Let's see how you compare in the looks department. Someone as annoying as you seem to be from this one letter won't measure up, I'm sure.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding

Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.

Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.

BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.

Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?

Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?

Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Overweight in Oklahoma

Q: My mother is always bugging me about my weight. I know I weigh more than I should but my boyfriend doesn't seem to care. We've been together for more than a year and he says he loves me no matter what. But my mom won't leave me alone. How can I tell her to lay off and not make her upset? We work together so a mad partner would be horrible to deal with every day.

Anne: Well, how much overweight are you? If your health is in danger then your mom is worried about that, I'm sure. If you're just a small number of pounds over and she thinks you don't look the way you did in high school, that's a different story. Get word from your doctor about your health and present those facts to your mom—unless your doctor agrees with your mom. Then maybe the time has come to listen and try to do something in your own best interests.

Dee: If sex is still fun, that's in your favor. However, if sex could be better without some of the flab, take it off, woman! Yeah, your man might love you no matter what—and it's great that he feels that way—but if sex starts to go because of a few pounds, he'll soon change his mind. Health, schmealth. It's how good the sex is that makes the determination of what you should do. I'm not sure exactly how you can explain that to your mom, though.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Happy Memorial Day!

This is a time to remember those lost protecting our lives and country. And please join us in praying for those who still do.

Anne and Dee

Monday, May 23, 2011

Divorce is Never Easy

Q: My husband wants a divorce. He told me last night, completely out of the blue. He evidently found someone he loves and he no longer loves me. I'm shattered. I don't know what to do. How do I start to handle this?

Anne: Call a lawyer, right now. Call the best one you can find and ask for immediate instructions, even if you can't get an appointment right away. There are things you need to take care of before any more time passes. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know right now you are stunned, but you need to try and get hold of your emotions. It will be better for you in the long run if you do that—even when you move from being stunned into being angry, which will happen. And then keep in mind that you'll change feelings again. This is like the grieving process you would go through for a death, so don't be afraid. It will pass eventually and you will get your life back. Good luck.

Dee: I wouldn't say find the best lawyer. I'd say to find the sleaziest, mean dog lawyer you can. Go to the bank immediately and tell them what going on—make sure your hubby hasn't emptied your joint accounts. Same with the credit cards. And if you don't have credit cards in your name, apply right away while you still have a married status. If you need to see a shrink, don't feel bad or embarrassed. Anne was right about controlling your emotions. Only if you are in control will you be able to appreciate truly the good feeling of grabbing his balls and squeezing and twisting until he squeals like the pig he is. Good luck. Have fun!

Monday, May 16, 2011

What's a Little Erotic Romance between Friends?

Q: I write erotic romance (competition for you, Dee!). You would know my name if I shared it, and I have developed quite a loyal fan group. The problem I have is that none of my friends or relatives appreciate what I write. They call it porn and won't "soil their minds."

That they don't buy my books isn't the problem—fortunately, plenty of other people do. It's that they denigrate the value of my work. They say I'm not a "real" writer because I don't write the same thing Hemingway or Faulkner did. I don't write "literature." So how can I convince them that I am not only a good writer, I am as accomplished as many people they admire—just in a different genre?

Anne: Maybe they don't like the subject matter, but can't they appreciate your voice, style and wording? If not, then I don't see how you can convince them. You can't change what someone sees if they refuse to look.

Dee: Are you a) competition or b) a sister writer, making her mark alongside mine? You'd better pick b or we're going to have a pissing contest on sales.

This is one of the few times I agree wholeheartedly with sis. If they refuse to see what's in front of them, screw 'em and keep on writing!

And one other thing, erotic romance isn't porn, but what's wrong with porn?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Pure Happiness

Q: My mother wants me to go on birth control pills. I'm fifteen and have not had sex. In addition, I have signed a chastity pact stating I won't have sex until I get married. I am a straight A student and haven't given my mother cause to worry. She thinks because she got pregnant before she finished high school that I will, too. How can I get her to trust me?

Sign me Happy to Be a Virgin

Anne: Wow. After all that she doesn't believe you won't have sex? If getting good grades, stating your intentions and not getting into trouble isn't enough, I'm not sure what is. Have your doctor talk to her and explain the disadvantages to taking the pill, especially if there's no need. Keep on getting on! You're a good example and an inspiration to other girls.

Maybe Dee can help you more since she did everything you aren't. Sister, dear!

Dee: I hardly know what to say, Virgin. It seems to me your mom should be ecstatic to have the only 15-year old virgin in the country. AND you make good grades, AND you signed a chastity pledge. Anne, you aren't trying to trick me, are you?

Okay, here's the deal. Pharmaceuticals are very valuable things—when they are needed. Your mom obviously wants you to have advantages she didn't have, but if you don't need the pill, you shouldn't be taking it. Maybe if you tell her that you promise—and this has to be a sworn, sacred vow—that if you do plan to engage in sex that you will then go to the doc and get the pill, maybe she'll give you a break.

The trouble is—and your mom knows this much better than you—sex happens even when it isn't planned. So do pregnancies. And no well-intentioned celibacy pacts will protect you from getting in the family way once you unintentionally cross that line in the back seat of Johnny's Ford Camaro (or whatever). Hope you're happy then.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Jerry or Hubby?

Q; All my girlfriend wants to do is watch TV. And she watches trash like Jerry Springer and Maury. She tapes it while we're at work and then wants to watch it at night. I can't stand to be around when that stuff is on but I can't pry her away from the set. Sex used to be great—from what I remember. Maybe I could put up with her TV shit if it made her horny but it seems to do the opposite. Any advice?

Anne: Have you told her about your feelings? I mean have you talked, not yelled or been sarcastic. There is some reason why your wife has turned to this kind of TV at night when the two of you could be together. Maybe you should seek counseling.

Dee: Have you tried stripping down and parading in front of the Mrs.? (Yes, I have also seen those shows and know how they work.) If that doesn't work, find some way to disable the VCR or the TV. Have cable taken out.

Hell, if nothing works, have the whole couch up taken out, with the wife on it. If she prefers Jerry to you, buy her a ticket to CT and wave bye-bye.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Eggs of Easter

Q: This is embarrassing to talk about, but I need advice. My boyfriend gave me an egg for Easter. To tell the truth, I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. Help!!

Anne: Is it a colored egg? We always used to eat them… Or is it one of those blown out, decorative eggs? They're pretty. If it falls outside those realms. I don't know, either.

Dee: Lucky you! The last egg I got from Adam and Eve sends me into orbit after only a few seconds of use. So here are a few suggestions. If it's remote controlled, plan an evening out. Dress up. Insert the egg, right about at your G-spot and make sure you hold it there—maybe with a thong if you wear them or by keeping your thighs tight, which actually increases the pleasure. Then present your boyfriend with the controller. Believe me, he will surprise you lots during your evening. and at the most delicious times. You will get a thrill and so will he, watching your reaction.

Or let him have control while you're in bed. Let him tease your pussy and clit. I'll bet that when you're good and wet he'll finish the job of bringing you to orgasm himself.

Last, the egg is great for those horny moments alone. Use your wildest fantasy and touch the vibrating egg to your clit. In no time at all you'll be smiling. The egg is one of my very favorite sex toys! Hope you enjoy yours as much.

Anne: Good heavens!

Monday, April 18, 2011

All Tied Up

Q: My husband says our sex life has become old. Well, after wrestling four kids under the age of 7 all day, yeah I'm tired at night. Lately I've found bondage site on our computer history, and I wonder if that's what he has in mind to spice things up. I admit, I could go for a little light bondage—emphasis on light. But how can I be sure he doesn't want to go farther than I'm willing?

Anne: Well, you have to talk to him plainly about what you are and are not willing to do. Make sure you are both on the same page so your expectations are acceptable. Remember, once you're tied to the bedposts, you are only able to do so much until you are untied. Is this what you want?

Dee: Good for you, for being willing to try something new. As long as neither party goes beyond what the other is willing to accept, bondage can be fun. On the other hand, it can get pretty complicated. For a free site to check out, try Bondage. Or Bedroom Bondage, with the innocuous looking Lorelei to put you at ease. Don't forget, bondage goes both ways—strap him to the bedposts, too. It does a man good to be totally at a woman's mercy now and then. A blowjob while he's unable to do anything is pretty amazing to a guy--or so I'm told. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you both agree to it. Then let your fantasies run free. If you trust your partner, there should be no fear, only pleasure. Here's to getting tied up in each other!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Nearly 60 and Loving It

Q: I am a woman nearly 60-years old and quite well off. I have become attracted to a man in his early 20s. In fact, he's finishing college this spring. He's bright and intelligent and young, and he makes me feel young again. He escorts me to opera, ballet and art gallery openings, but truth be told I'd want to be with him for the sex alone. It's better than anything I've ever known—intense, emotional and frequent. He's taught me about anal sex (which I've never been brave enough to try) and things like pocket rockets and ben wa balls. Sex with him is like a whole, forbiiden world I've loved exploring. The problem is my friends, family and his friends and family. On his side, everyone thinks he's doing something awful spending his time with an old woman. On my side, everyone thinks he's after my money and just wants to live off me. They are making life difficult for us. I'm in this for the ride and have no illusions that he loves me. I give him gifts because I like to and I can. Is there anything wrong with that?

Anne: It could be said that you are leading him down a bad path, encouraging him to rely on a woman for his livelihood. However, if both of you accept the rules of the game you've started, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I would advise you not to sign anything.

Dee: Good golly. You're almost 60 and you snapped up a young 20 something guy?? How the hell did you do that? Conversation, escort duties and all the fucking you can handle (or maybe more, dare I hope?). Life has treated you well woman! Tell those screwball friends and family that they're just jealous and if they can't get with the program, to buzz off. Take life by the horns! You can't make your friends happy and they shouldn't have the power to fuck up your happiness.

Monday, April 4, 2011

A Horse Ain't Always a Horse

Q: My boyfriend of three months and I just finished watching Secretariat. I thought it was a sweet, brave and inspiring movie. Jim made wisecracks all through it until I didn't even want to sit there with him. When it was over I showed him the door and he acts like he doesn't know why I'm upset. This has pointed out that his attitude about the movie is present in all kinds of things—things I'd been willing to overlook. Now I wonder if I should be overlooking them. If his actions during a movie bother me this much, won't other things—more important things—bother me even more in the future?

Anne: I would say that this might be a sign of things to come, so maybe you should think through this relationship carefully. Life ain't a movie.

Dee: Know what I got out of Secretariat? He sired 600 foals! That was one fucking good horse. Really, are you asking us about whether you should stay with your boyfriend because he made fun of a "sweet, brave, inspiring" movie? Are you listening to yourself??

Monday, March 28, 2011

Harrison High School Jerk

Q: A guy I had a huge crush on in high school took me out once our senior year. We didn't have sex (though we came close) and he never called or really talked to me again. I always thought it was because I didn't let him "go all the way," but maybe it was because I was kind of chubby and wore glasses and stuff. I saw him a few weeks ago and I'm quite different looking. He didn't remember my name—or that we dated that one time—but he sure is interested now. What should I do?

Anne: Well, that stinks, but really, high school is over and done with. It all depends on how you feel now, as an adult. If you met up with him and find you want to go out, do it. I would say though, that if you have any kind of idea of revenge for the wrong he did you in high school, forget it. If he's still the same jerk he was back then, just don't go out with him again.

Dee: What can we say? Guys are jerks often enough when they're grown up. In high school there's no hope at all. They're totally hormone driven, with fucking on the mind morning, noon and night. If you didn't give it up, he might well have been stupid enough to forget about you. If he pulls the same shit now, blow him off—and I don't mean in the fun way you both will enjoy. Good luck.

Monday, March 21, 2011

When Is a Dress Just a Dress?

Q: I have a zillion dresses and skirts and slacks and gads of other stuff in my closet. I know it's too much but I can't seem to get rid of any of it. And I keep buying. What can I do?

Anne: Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist. You need help to control your spending and hoarding habit.

Dee: Your problem is obvious, and so is the solution. You buy clothes as a replacement for sex. Buying slacks to cover your legs is easier to you than finding a man to fit between your legs. You hold onto the clothes because they represent being fucked—which is what you really want. You buy a dress; you wish you had a man with a stiff dick. You buy a new purse; you wish you were being banged against the bedroom wall. You open your closet and see dresses by the dozens; you wish each one was really a memory of a mind-shifting orgasm brought on by a lover's tongue.

Forget buying a new tee shirt. Go buy a box of extra large Trojans and find someone who fits them. After you've been laid, you won't feel the need to buy anything—except maybe sexy lingerie and fuck me heels.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Small-minded Indeed

Q: Joe and I have been dating for three years. We're close to 30 and both getting our professions started, so I haven't been too worried that he hasn't asked me to marry him. We talk around it more than about it, but we both agree that we are soul mates. The thing I am concerned about though is that he can't seem to stop looking at other women. Waitresses who take our order at the diner, the receptionist at his office, women walking down the street, even women in the next cars at stop lights. He just laughs it off when I tell him how much it bothers me. He says jealousy is the sign of a small mind. Like I said, we're soul mates and I'm sure he loves me, but this does bother me. I just don't know if I should pay attention to him and try to put it out of mind or really confront him and risk humiliation or his anger.

Anne: If it bothers you this much it should bother him. To brush you off with a wave of his hand and some glib comment shows a lack of caring on his part. If he's truly your soul mate, he will take whatever disturbs you seriously. Confront him.

Dee: Start commenting on guys—do you do this already? You know that old "fair for the goose, fair for the gander stuff"? Well, it's true. If he notices women, then you should notice men. Comment frequently on their cute butts and the packages hidden in their jeans. Ogle a cute waiter and be sure to mention his attributes to your boyfriend. Be sincere. If he doesn't show the shred of small-minded jealousy—not the tiniest shred—I'd say your soul mate thinks of you as a friend with soulful benefits, not a wife.

Monday, March 7, 2011

My SIster is Having Sex

Q: I know my little sister is having sex. She's only 15. From the perspective of five years, I know what she's doing can ruin her life. She knows that I started having sex early, so what can I say or do now to steer her away from what she's doing?

Anne: Try explaining to her that now you regret your activities when you were a teen and tell her why. It's hard because in this day being pregnant as a teen doesn't carry the stigma it did in my youth, but even without the shame of being an unwed mother, having a child can completely change your life. The bigger worry to me is the chance of contracting aids, though, or some STD. Take her to a public health clinic and talk to a nurse who knows the stats regarding the age where aids presents itself—that will show that it's most often contracted in the younger years.

Dee: You are the voice of experience. Define to yourself why you wish you hadn't screwed around as a teen and then explain that to her. Don't preach. Be straightforward in why you think having sex early is bad—give firm, actual examples. Don't preach. Tell her that no matter how responsible she thinks she's being, no one at her age is really responsible—they give into emotion and pressure. One moment can change everything for her. Talk about what she wants in her future and how random sex can affect that. But don't preach.

Monday, February 28, 2011

A Night of Slumming

Q: I realize this is going to make me sound like a shallow, insensitive person, but I'm embarrassed to be dating the man I am currently seeing. I'm a very, very high-profile, successful woman. If I told you where I live you would probably guess who I am, in fact. About three months ago I met a man in a bar I frequent when I'm feeling slummy. I usually find someone there to shack up with in a nearby no-tell motel for a night of hot sex. That night the man I met intrigued me from the very beginning. His humor, his good looks, his sexy smile swept me off my feet and I couldn't wait to get him naked and pounding into me—which happened less than 2 hours after our first double shot of Jim Beam. Thing is, one night with him hasn't been enough. Hell, all night fuck fests on 78 different occasions hasn't been enough. I can't get my fill of this guy. We always meet in a place I'm sure no one I know would be caught dead, and I sense he's getting a little tired of being hidden away. Here's my problem: he cleans out septic systems for a living. As soon as he starts speaking it's obvious he has little education—though he's very intelligent, in an earthy, practical kind of way. I like him, God knows I love his body and what the man does with his dick, but I can't see him in the normal way a man a woman date. I can't possibly bring him into the light of day. That might sound snobbish, but I can't help it. How can I keep him and still maintain my self respect?

Anne: Tell him exactly what you just told us and see if he agrees to be your boy toy. Don't be surprised if he tells you to fuc… uh, take a long walk off a short pier. I would.

Dee: Jeez, you have a real problem. Now, where is this bar you go? And I mean exact directions.

As far as how you keep this God of Fucking, I don't think you do. Send me exact directions to him, too.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Fathers-in-Law and Husbands

Q: I have a model man for a father-in-law—literally. He was a fashion model for years and now runs his own agency. He's handsome as sin, intelligent, successful, wealthy, fun—the list goes on and on. As a corporate attorney, I have more in common with him than I do my husband's profession. I love my husband of two years, Hank, but unfortunately, he takes more after his mother than his father. His job is very low key (claims adjustor) and he lacks much ambition beyond doing 9-to-5 and then finding the nearest sports bar where he and his old high school buddies can watch a ball game. His mother and father have been estranged, so I only met Hank's dad a couple of months ago.

The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?

Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.

Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.

BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.

If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl Bickering

Q: I just finished watching the Super Bowl with my boyfriend of three months and he's ticked. Most women get into arguments with their men because they don't like sports. I got into it because I not only like it, I know more about it than Mark (boyfriend). I could explain the finer points of the game to him (and did, which was bad, right?), and won $10 because I chose Green Bay to win. What can I do to make Mark see that I may be a sports nut but I'm still a girl?

Anne: Let's see…the Super Bowl is football, right? I don't know much about sports (can you tell?). I've always used that to my advantage, however, by cuddling up to Jack and asking him to explain things to me. I've found that if you act in a way that reflects how you want others to see you, they usually do. Do something that lets Mark know that an interest in sports doesn't mean you're a jock.

Dee: Obviously to everyone except Mark the Dolt that you are all woman. Why else would you enjoy watching men touch each others' butts, hug and basically run around being hunky? You'd probably like a little towel snapping competition in the locker room, too. If Mark doesn't get it, then he's a weenie and maybe you should reconsider someone with so little self-confidence. Or maybe it's the $10 that has him pissed. Offer to buy him dinner with the winnings and see what he says.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Dream Lover

Q: I am a grown woman—well past childhood. But I have the biggest crush on a TV star. I won't say who it is, but he's on one of the CSI shows. Oh my God, I think of him all the time. I imagine him kissing me and running his hands all over my body while he tongues my nipples. I've never seen him naked, but I can picture him, erect and hard. I daydream about kneeling before him and sucking him off until he comes in my mouth. Worst, when my husband and I have sex, it's my dream man I feel pushing into me and I come harder than ever before. I know—I know—this kind of delusion is childish, but I can't seem to get past it. What can I do? I feel myself pulling away from my husband and daydreaming more about my Star Man.

Anne: I think this is more an issue between you and your husband. Something is wrong and you've substituted a safe lover for the man with whom you're having trouble. Get counseling before your daydreams ruin your marriage.

Dee: Wow! I had to take a break and sip something cold before I could sit still long enough to type.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming a secret lover now and then. We all have fantasies. But you have to know the difference between fucking a dream and fucking the man you've said you would spend your real life with. If you are confused about that, it's time to step back and reevaluate—maybe with a marriage counselor.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Winter Blahs

Q: The dreary winter weather has me down. I don't feel like making love and my boyfriend doesn't understand.

Anne: There is plenty of documentation online that you can use to prove to your boyfriend that there is such a thing as the winter blahs. Make sure he knows this isn't just something you're making up, and then figure out together what the two of you can do to make the best of the situation.

Dee: First, are you sure this isn't an excuse? Do you enjoy fucking? If you don't, no amount of online research is going to make a difference. If you're sure the winter blahs is your problem, buy a sunlamp, for Pete's sake. Find a tanning salon with one, or sit under a skylight for a few minutes each day. Take vitamin D pills. You're letting winter control your sex life? Wake up, wussy, and do something about the problem.

I'm not saying the shorter days of winter don't cause problems. I'm just saying that winter is not the end of the world, or the end of sex.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The End of Football Season

Q: I wonder what most women do when their husband's are glued to the football playoffs. I shop online. What do you do?

Anne: Online shopping sounds fun but too expensive for me. I read. (Right now I'm reading The White Lady by Philippa Gregory.)

Dee: Watching big, healthy men fight it out on a field of battle gets my blood warm. I watch with Jack, scream and (especially) moan at all the appropriate times, touching, cuddling and tossing in a few wet kisses along the way. My nipples harden and my pussy twitches each time there's a pile-up—all those husky men on top of other husky men. Near the end of play I'm hot to go. Let's just say we don't watch the post-game analysis. It's cheaper than shopping, good aerobic exercise, and a lot more fun.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Do You KNow the Way to San Jose?

Q: Lately (for about a year now), I've been dating a man I love with all my heart. He loves me, too, but unfortunately he's married. His wife absolutely will not give him a divorce, though he's asked over and over. I live in Texas and he lives in California, near San Francisco. I've had to live with seeing him when he comes here on sales trips, and until now I've been thrilled with every moment we could steal. But last week I was offered a promotion at work and it's in San Jose, mere miles from where he lives. Living closer to him, I know I won't be happy with only a few tidbits of snatched time. I'm hoping to have him move in with me. On the other hand, I don't want to give his bitch of a wife more cause to make his life hell. If I don't take the promotion, we can go on as we have, hard as it is. But if I take it, maybe we could have a whole new life. What do you think?

Anne: Dating a married man brings grief over happiness 99% of the time. I don't know what will happen in your case, but take the promotion because it's right for you, not what it might or might not mean for you and your lover. Making a major decision like your life and livelihood based on someone else's desires is an invitation to misery.

Dee: Hey, dating a married man is okay as long as the sex is good. And married men never stretch the truth when it comes to describing their home lives to their mistresses. Right. And bears don't shit in the woods.

It's possible your guy is telling you the truth, that his wife won't give him a divorce. But no one can stop him from moving out of the house if he's so fuckin' unhappy with her. Keep an open mind—he might be lying to you. And don't be too surprised if he's not thrilled when he finds out you're moving close by. Your big promotion may not be the happy event to him that it is to you. If that's the case, you'd better examine his feelings for you and even more, your feelings for him.

Monday, January 3, 2011

To Be (Engaged) or Not To Be (Engaged)

Q: New Years Eve was a bust and a boon. My boyfriend asked me to marry him at midnight. I was so happy. Later, we lost track of each other in the crowd. When I found him—before 1:00—he was in a corner with not one but two girls, feeling them up and giving tongue. I felt like such a fool. Now I don't know what to do. He says he was too drunk to know what he was doing and that I'm over-reacting. Maybe that's true…I just don't know.

Anne: If he was too drunk to know what he was doing when you saw him, was he too drunk to know what he was doing less than an hour earlier when he asked you to marry him? I'd say this relationship calls for more time before you decide he's the man forever and ever.

Dee: Gosh, I wonder what made him feel the need to drink himself to oblivion between midnight and 1:00…? Maybe the thought of a lifetime's commitment, hmmm? Kiss him senseless, fuck him up one side and down the other if you want, but give an engagement a bit more time.