Ben Wa what?

Q: I just heard from my husband that my sister in law was told by her GYN to purchase ben wa balls. My husband says her husband is thrilled and that their sex since then has been explosive. Now he wants me to get some. What are they, anyway?

Anne: Ben Wa balls have been used for centuries to stimulate a woman sexually. Taoists believed a man gained health and a longer life by absorbing energy created during sex. Part of the practice involved making sure the woman also had satisfaction…though the woman was unimportant enough not to gain long life from the act.

Ben Wa balls, connected with silk ribbons, were inserted into a woman's vagina and held there. With each movement, her inner passage was stimulated, kind of like a sexual buzz.Aside from that, holding the balls inside strengthens the Kegel muscles, which can enhance the man's pleasure during sex. And aside from that, because let's face it, men get plenty enough pleasure from sex, strengthening those muscles can reduce or eliminate involuntary incontinence. I suspect that's the reason your sis-in-law's gynecologist suggested she try the things.


Dee: Yeah, that peeing when you sneeze thing is a bitch. But let's not underestimate the real purpose of the Ben Wa balls, which is to heighten sexual pleasure. Slide a couple of these gems in your puss-puss and wear them during the day. Every move you make they slip a little, turn a little. Some balls have a trinket or ball bearings inside, making stimulation is even stronger. And here's the kicker. No one but you (or your lover) knows what kinky little thing is going on under your skirt or slacks! There are also vibrating Ben Wa balls, great for fun at home on your own or during sex, when you both get a little buzz.

As far as I'm concerned, these are the second best balls to play with. What's first? Ask Jack.

* Photos from Adam & Eve

Jobless in Colorado

Q: I lost my job a month ago. I've looked but there's nothing for me in this area, which is Colorado Springs. I've found a possibility for work--just a possibility--in Texas, but every time I mention it to my wife, she freaks. We've lived here since we were married. We have two kids and her parents live half a mile away. I know it's hard for her to think of moving, but if there's no work, there's no work. Lately there's been no sex, too. What can I do to convince her?

Anne: Jobless, I sympathize totally with you! However, of course it's hard for your wife to think about picking up and moving when she's not even sure there's a job for you in Texas. My advice is to keep looking for work in your hometown but check further into the job in Texas. Maybe if you find there is a job and they're ready to hire you if you relocate, your wife will see the logic. I think right now it's the uncertainty that has her upset. Good luck!

Dee: From my own point of view, there's never a good excuse for not having sex. If someone is withholding from someone else out of spite or anger, then shame! On the other hand, if stress is causing the lack of mattress bouncing, then consider that sex isn't all about intercourse. It's also about cuddling and lending comfort to the person you love. In hard times, this is needed more than ever. And by the way if you or your wife needs a little "Put Tab B into Slot A" guidance, maybe you should pick up a Dee S. Knight or Francis Drake book!

Now to the move. Definitely find out if there's a job in Texas. If there is, maybe you'd go down and work for a short while without your family, just to make sure everything is as you thought it would be, before uprooting everyone. Maybe your in-laws can keep the kids and your wife can go down and check things out with you. And if it looks like you need to move for work, then by golly, your wife will have to bite the bullet and do it. In this day, you take opportunities where you can find them. Pulling together during hard times as well as good is what marriage is all about. And besides, she might find out the adventure of living in a new place is wonderful. Stranger things have happened. I join Anne in saying good luck!

Scared of Fakes

Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have three kids that keep us pretty busy, but we manage to have sex fairly regularly, and it's pretty good. However, about a month ago, he ordered a dildo from some online company, and he wants me to use it while he watches. I'm uncomfortable doing this. What's wrong with what we've been doing?? I told him no, and he accepts it but I can tell he's disappointed. In fact, we haven't had sex since then. Was I wrong?

Anne: I can see that you're uneasy about this, but every marriage needs attention. It sounds as though your husband doesn't think he's getting enough, and with three children, it is hard to find time for yourselves. There's no harm in spicing things up a bit. If you're uncomfortable with the sex toy, maybe you could try some sexy lingerie. Or send the kids off for the night and have sex in a different room than the bedroom. You don't have to go over the edge to add some spice to your sex life.

Dee: Good grief, Anne. You think using a dildo is going over the edge? I'd say maybe using a butt plug or strap on might be a little far for novices, but a dildo??

Okay, Ms. Scared of Fakes, why did your husband buy the dildo? I suspect it's because you have sex "fairly regularly" and it's "pretty good." Men might put up with pretty good sex, fairly regularly, but what they want is explosive sex, often. So embrace this hint by hubby that he's interested in a change. There's no need to be afraid--Mr. Dildo can be your friend. Here's what you do.

Did hubby buy a cleaner for the dildo? If so, follow directions to clean and dry it (if not, use a mild hand soap). (Don't get the battery compartment wet if it has one.) Is it a vibrator? Make sure it has batteries. Then… Prop pillows in the center of the bed. When you're ready, turn the lights down low--not out, because the whole purpose here is to watch you. Turn TV off!! Make sure the bedroom door is secured so kiddies don't wander in, and prop yourself on the pillows, preferably naked. Tell hubby to make himself comfortable. If there is lubricant, ask him to squirt a tiny bit on the tip of the dildo. Then gently rub it over your labia and clitoris. If there's vibration, turn it on low until you start to feel the effects--and believe me, you will! If you're embarrassed, close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is just you and the man you love--he's seen you before, right?

Before you know it. you'll be wet and anxious to insert the dildo into your pussy. If your puss-puss is hard to reach, ask hubby to help--he'll love it. Rub your breasts and pay attention to your nipples. Don't be surprised if he doesn't join in by this time. Ask him to lick your breasts or kiss your stomach. Tell him to rub his finger along the dildo and see how wet you are. Tell him you want him to fuck you--talk dirty. Most guys love it.

When you're "competed" (and you know what I mean), be sure to wash the dildo (being careful not to submerge it if it has batteries). The next day, order a pair of fur-lined handcuffs as a surprise for your husband. I see this as a whole new world of sexual exploration you'll find very rewarding if you stop being afraid.

* Graphics from my favorite sex toy shop, Adam and Eve