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Monday, February 28, 2011

A Night of Slumming

Q: I realize this is going to make me sound like a shallow, insensitive person, but I'm embarrassed to be dating the man I am currently seeing. I'm a very, very high-profile, successful woman. If I told you where I live you would probably guess who I am, in fact. About three months ago I met a man in a bar I frequent when I'm feeling slummy. I usually find someone there to shack up with in a nearby no-tell motel for a night of hot sex. That night the man I met intrigued me from the very beginning. His humor, his good looks, his sexy smile swept me off my feet and I couldn't wait to get him naked and pounding into me—which happened less than 2 hours after our first double shot of Jim Beam. Thing is, one night with him hasn't been enough. Hell, all night fuck fests on 78 different occasions hasn't been enough. I can't get my fill of this guy. We always meet in a place I'm sure no one I know would be caught dead, and I sense he's getting a little tired of being hidden away. Here's my problem: he cleans out septic systems for a living. As soon as he starts speaking it's obvious he has little education—though he's very intelligent, in an earthy, practical kind of way. I like him, God knows I love his body and what the man does with his dick, but I can't see him in the normal way a man a woman date. I can't possibly bring him into the light of day. That might sound snobbish, but I can't help it. How can I keep him and still maintain my self respect?

Anne: Tell him exactly what you just told us and see if he agrees to be your boy toy. Don't be surprised if he tells you to fuc… uh, take a long walk off a short pier. I would.

Dee: Jeez, you have a real problem. Now, where is this bar you go? And I mean exact directions.

As far as how you keep this God of Fucking, I don't think you do. Send me exact directions to him, too.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Fathers-in-Law and Husbands

Q: I have a model man for a father-in-law—literally. He was a fashion model for years and now runs his own agency. He's handsome as sin, intelligent, successful, wealthy, fun—the list goes on and on. As a corporate attorney, I have more in common with him than I do my husband's profession. I love my husband of two years, Hank, but unfortunately, he takes more after his mother than his father. His job is very low key (claims adjustor) and he lacks much ambition beyond doing 9-to-5 and then finding the nearest sports bar where he and his old high school buddies can watch a ball game. His mother and father have been estranged, so I only met Hank's dad a couple of months ago.

The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?

Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.

Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.

BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.

If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl Bickering

Q: I just finished watching the Super Bowl with my boyfriend of three months and he's ticked. Most women get into arguments with their men because they don't like sports. I got into it because I not only like it, I know more about it than Mark (boyfriend). I could explain the finer points of the game to him (and did, which was bad, right?), and won $10 because I chose Green Bay to win. What can I do to make Mark see that I may be a sports nut but I'm still a girl?

Anne: Let's see…the Super Bowl is football, right? I don't know much about sports (can you tell?). I've always used that to my advantage, however, by cuddling up to Jack and asking him to explain things to me. I've found that if you act in a way that reflects how you want others to see you, they usually do. Do something that lets Mark know that an interest in sports doesn't mean you're a jock.

Dee: Obviously to everyone except Mark the Dolt that you are all woman. Why else would you enjoy watching men touch each others' butts, hug and basically run around being hunky? You'd probably like a little towel snapping competition in the locker room, too. If Mark doesn't get it, then he's a weenie and maybe you should reconsider someone with so little self-confidence. Or maybe it's the $10 that has him pissed. Offer to buy him dinner with the winnings and see what he says.