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Monday, January 31, 2011

Dream Lover

Q: I am a grown woman—well past childhood. But I have the biggest crush on a TV star. I won't say who it is, but he's on one of the CSI shows. Oh my God, I think of him all the time. I imagine him kissing me and running his hands all over my body while he tongues my nipples. I've never seen him naked, but I can picture him, erect and hard. I daydream about kneeling before him and sucking him off until he comes in my mouth. Worst, when my husband and I have sex, it's my dream man I feel pushing into me and I come harder than ever before. I know—I know—this kind of delusion is childish, but I can't seem to get past it. What can I do? I feel myself pulling away from my husband and daydreaming more about my Star Man.

Anne: I think this is more an issue between you and your husband. Something is wrong and you've substituted a safe lover for the man with whom you're having trouble. Get counseling before your daydreams ruin your marriage.

Dee: Wow! I had to take a break and sip something cold before I could sit still long enough to type.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming a secret lover now and then. We all have fantasies. But you have to know the difference between fucking a dream and fucking the man you've said you would spend your real life with. If you are confused about that, it's time to step back and reevaluate—maybe with a marriage counselor.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Winter Blahs

Q: The dreary winter weather has me down. I don't feel like making love and my boyfriend doesn't understand.

Anne: There is plenty of documentation online that you can use to prove to your boyfriend that there is such a thing as the winter blahs. Make sure he knows this isn't just something you're making up, and then figure out together what the two of you can do to make the best of the situation.

Dee: First, are you sure this isn't an excuse? Do you enjoy fucking? If you don't, no amount of online research is going to make a difference. If you're sure the winter blahs is your problem, buy a sunlamp, for Pete's sake. Find a tanning salon with one, or sit under a skylight for a few minutes each day. Take vitamin D pills. You're letting winter control your sex life? Wake up, wussy, and do something about the problem.

I'm not saying the shorter days of winter don't cause problems. I'm just saying that winter is not the end of the world, or the end of sex.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The End of Football Season

Q: I wonder what most women do when their husband's are glued to the football playoffs. I shop online. What do you do?

Anne: Online shopping sounds fun but too expensive for me. I read. (Right now I'm reading The White Lady by Philippa Gregory.)

Dee: Watching big, healthy men fight it out on a field of battle gets my blood warm. I watch with Jack, scream and (especially) moan at all the appropriate times, touching, cuddling and tossing in a few wet kisses along the way. My nipples harden and my pussy twitches each time there's a pile-up—all those husky men on top of other husky men. Near the end of play I'm hot to go. Let's just say we don't watch the post-game analysis. It's cheaper than shopping, good aerobic exercise, and a lot more fun.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Do You KNow the Way to San Jose?

Q: Lately (for about a year now), I've been dating a man I love with all my heart. He loves me, too, but unfortunately he's married. His wife absolutely will not give him a divorce, though he's asked over and over. I live in Texas and he lives in California, near San Francisco. I've had to live with seeing him when he comes here on sales trips, and until now I've been thrilled with every moment we could steal. But last week I was offered a promotion at work and it's in San Jose, mere miles from where he lives. Living closer to him, I know I won't be happy with only a few tidbits of snatched time. I'm hoping to have him move in with me. On the other hand, I don't want to give his bitch of a wife more cause to make his life hell. If I don't take the promotion, we can go on as we have, hard as it is. But if I take it, maybe we could have a whole new life. What do you think?

Anne: Dating a married man brings grief over happiness 99% of the time. I don't know what will happen in your case, but take the promotion because it's right for you, not what it might or might not mean for you and your lover. Making a major decision like your life and livelihood based on someone else's desires is an invitation to misery.

Dee: Hey, dating a married man is okay as long as the sex is good. And married men never stretch the truth when it comes to describing their home lives to their mistresses. Right. And bears don't shit in the woods.

It's possible your guy is telling you the truth, that his wife won't give him a divorce. But no one can stop him from moving out of the house if he's so fuckin' unhappy with her. Keep an open mind—he might be lying to you. And don't be too surprised if he's not thrilled when he finds out you're moving close by. Your big promotion may not be the happy event to him that it is to you. If that's the case, you'd better examine his feelings for you and even more, your feelings for him.

Monday, January 3, 2011

To Be (Engaged) or Not To Be (Engaged)

Q: New Years Eve was a bust and a boon. My boyfriend asked me to marry him at midnight. I was so happy. Later, we lost track of each other in the crowd. When I found him—before 1:00—he was in a corner with not one but two girls, feeling them up and giving tongue. I felt like such a fool. Now I don't know what to do. He says he was too drunk to know what he was doing and that I'm over-reacting. Maybe that's true…I just don't know.

Anne: If he was too drunk to know what he was doing when you saw him, was he too drunk to know what he was doing less than an hour earlier when he asked you to marry him? I'd say this relationship calls for more time before you decide he's the man forever and ever.

Dee: Gosh, I wonder what made him feel the need to drink himself to oblivion between midnight and 1:00…? Maybe the thought of a lifetime's commitment, hmmm? Kiss him senseless, fuck him up one side and down the other if you want, but give an engagement a bit more time.