Jerry or Hubby?

Q; All my girlfriend wants to do is watch TV. And she watches trash like Jerry Springer and Maury. She tapes it while we're at work and then wants to watch it at night. I can't stand to be around when that stuff is on but I can't pry her away from the set. Sex used to be great—from what I remember. Maybe I could put up with her TV shit if it made her horny but it seems to do the opposite. Any advice?

Anne: Have you told her about your feelings? I mean have you talked, not yelled or been sarcastic. There is some reason why your wife has turned to this kind of TV at night when the two of you could be together. Maybe you should seek counseling.

Dee: Have you tried stripping down and parading in front of the Mrs.? (Yes, I have also seen those shows and know how they work.) If that doesn't work, find some way to disable the VCR or the TV. Have cable taken out.

Hell, if nothing works, have the whole couch up taken out, with the wife on it. If she prefers Jerry to you, buy her a ticket to CT and wave bye-bye.

The End of Football Season

Q: I wonder what most women do when their husband's are glued to the football playoffs. I shop online. What do you do?

Anne: Online shopping sounds fun but too expensive for me. I read. (Right now I'm reading The White Lady by Philippa Gregory.)

Dee: Watching big, healthy men fight it out on a field of battle gets my blood warm. I watch with Jack, scream and (especially) moan at all the appropriate times, touching, cuddling and tossing in a few wet kisses along the way. My nipples harden and my pussy twitches each time there's a pile-up—all those husky men on top of other husky men. Near the end of play I'm hot to go. Let's just say we don't watch the post-game analysis. It's cheaper than shopping, good aerobic exercise, and a lot more fun.

Remote Control

Q: My boyfriend likes to watch TV all the time. I mean all the time. And it’s not like he watches “men’s” shows, like sports. I could get into Bears football or Giants baseball. Or man, give me a good hockey game and I’m with you, but he watches Iron Chef and House Hunters International. I’d rather be out playing a little touch football or slugging down a beer at the corner bar—anything but watching that crap. I love the jerk, and when he tears himself away from the boob tube, the sex is fucking fantastic. What’s your advice?

Anne: Um…I’m at a loss for words.

Dee: Well, that doesn't happen often. Fortunately, I’m not. Have him tested for an abnormally high level of estrogen—or take shots of it yourself. One of you is a changeling.

Seriously, you have to ask us for advice? Come to an agreement on the number of hours a week you will watch TV and then divide that number in thirds. One third he can watch whatever he wants, one third is yours and one third you have to watch together. I’m not commenting on who controls the sex—that’s for y’all to figure out, as is who leads when you dance.