Jokes Are Dead Wrong for This Guy

Q: I am a mortician. I'm used to all the jokes and stories made up about morticians, but it bothers me when my girlfriend takes part. I've told her over and over that I get that kind of thing enough from others, and that I take my job seriously. It's important. But she continues. What can I do to get her to stop?

Anne: Well, maybe nothing. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't care to pay attention, maybe that's a hint as to how she feels about you. Or maybe your profession makes her nervous. Are there any other problems? You should examine your relationship beyond jokes made about your job.

Dee: Maybe she continues to make jokes because   well, shit, maybe because she finds such jokes funny. It's a release from (what you have to admit) is kind of a macabre, dark profession. Maybe you should joke back. Let her know that yes, your job is really important and yes, it's a serious profession, but that you can appreciate the way she needs to handle release from that.

Or tell her that when she tells jokes about dead bodies and such that it makes you hot and that you must have sex or a BJ every time you hear such jokes. Then follow through. Either she will give up the jokes or you'll have lots of fucking added to your life. Either way, it's not so bad, right?

Too Much Sex - Is There Such a Thing??

Q: I am a normal male in the 20-30 age group, with what I think is a normal interest in sex. But not according to my girlfriend, who seems to want it constantly. Lately, she's been harping that we need to have sex more because it's a good way for her to keep her weight down—burning calories and all that. I say it's bunk. If she's been gaining weight (and she has put on a few pounds in the last few months) then she should stop eating so much, or take up running or something, and leave me out of it. We've been dating for  two years, and I don't know what's brought up this irrational interest in doing the dirty all of a sudden. Any thoughts?

Anne: While any physical activity burns some calories, you would have to have a lot of sex for long periods each time in order to use it as a weight control program. View the information on Livestrong.com to see what I mean. It seems the better question here is the one you posed at the end: why is this coming up now? What has changed in your relationship for her to want more? And that's something you can only discover through a discussion.

Dee: I prefer Robert Wieder's humorous version of CalorieLab's data. How many calories are burned in oral sex as opposed to Oral Roberts sex? Have a good laugh and then a good fuck, I always say.

Look, you should break up with this girl. You two are obviously not suited, and I'm not laying blame on either of you. But your letter screams that you're having problems, and probably not just with sex. You say your girlfriend is "harping," that you see she's gaining weight but your solutions have nothing to do with you, and that she has an "irrational interest in doing the dirty." Any man who considers a woman who wants lots of sex to be irrational is either totally uninterested in her or irrational himself. Split up with her and do both of you a favor.

The Benefits of Travel

Q: I have worked all my life and now I want to take time and travel. Unfortunately, I'm married to a home-body. How can I convince my wife of the wonders of traveling the world?

Anne: Travel companies compose their brochures to show the very best of the places they travel, Choose places you're interested in and find some brochures. The pictures and descriptions should entice her into getting out and around.

Dee: Use sex. (Yeah, right. Like you don't already know how to do that.) But I mean find places that encourage the activity. I know for a fact that many of the houses uncovered in Pompeii are covered in graphic depictions of people fucking. You'll turn an ankle hurrying back to the hotel. And there's a temple in Thailand that boasts the same, including anal sex and blowjobs. Suggest you go to India, home of the Kama Sutra, where you might take a few hours to study the text—or at least the pictures. That's what I always look at.

Travel doesn't always have to be about learning another culture in polite, in-company ways. There could be a lot for the two of you to explore with (and in) each other if you choose your travels well. Good luck!

Bed At 8, Sex Never

Q: This sounds sill, I know, but I have a problem. My wife gets up early to go t work, so she goes to bed at 8:00 PM or sometimes earlier. I can't go to sleep that early, so I go around 11:00 or sometimes midnight. She complains the next day if I wake her up for sex when I go to bed. She doesn't want to wake me up at 3:00 AM when she gets up because she says sex makes her sleepy and she would want to roll over and go to sleep again. How can we resolve this?

Anne: Can't you go and have sex (when the two of you are interested) when she goes to bed? Then you can get up again.

Dee: For God's sake, she doesn't care if you sleep, just that you fuck her when she goes to bed once in awhile. Make it a cuddle time every night until she falls asleep. What—you got something better to do? Or TV to watch? That's why God invented DVRs and TIVO. Now, go have sex with your wife and stop screwing around.

Q: My partner in life wants me to go sky diving. I am not a risk taker. Up to this point, opposites have attracted with us—he rock climbs, hang glides, and explores underwater caves. He says he wants us to dive together and experience a climax in free-fall. My idea of high excitement is reading about someone who climbs Everest, not doing it. He's been pestering me for months, but now he is pushing me into it by making the appointment. I do not want to go. We screw plenty enough on the ground; I don't need to fuck at 25,000 feet while watching the Earth approach at lightning speed. He says I'm a pussy and that if I don't start doing things with him, our relationship might not last.

Anne: Don't go. It's as simple as that. Tell him you will not go whether he makes an appointment or not and then stick to that. If it's a deal breaker for the relationship, you have to be ready to accept that.

Dee: I have one question: how much sex is "plenty enough?" I've never reached that point I guess. Please send the answer in return e-mail.

Now, ask yourself this—what if. What if you go up in the plane after packing your parachute under strict supervision? What if you're given a crash course (no pun intended) in how to jump and land safely? What if you take lots of deep breaths and go out of that plane of your own free will? Finally, what if you two hook up in free fall and you have the best fucking orgasm you've ever had in your life, an orgasm you won't forget for the rest of your life? High emotion, like fear and breathtaking thrill tend to enhance other experiences, like sex.

Worth the risk? Only you know. Supposedly sky diving is safer than driving to the airport. But if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. It's as simple as that.

Don't forget to send me that magic "plenty enough" number.

Q: My best friend—who also is my boyfriend—has been lying to me. He's been sleeping with my other best friend, who is also a guy! We're in our late twenties, so I feel so high school complaining about this, but I have to vent to someone. What do I do? If I cut them off for the lying, cheating bastards they are, I lose the two people closest to me.

Anne: You can't trust either of them. You're better off developing new friendships than trying to rehabilitate them. I say dump them for newer, improved versions.

Dee: Hell, try a threesome. Two guys, one you… Sounds fucking fantastic if you ask me (which you did).

Hubba-hubba Husband

Q: My husband wants to learn to strip. My husband!!! He says there's a good amount of money to be made fr male strippers, not only at clubs (yes, there's a male strip club nearby), but for parties and such. He's good looking and stays in shape, He's been out of work for the past eleven months, so I hate to say no, but I don't want him to do it. What can I say to convince him?

Anne: Help him find something else. Scour the papers and craigslist and any other outlet for work you can find. I have to believe there's something around other than taking his clothes off. Maybe you'll have to move somewhere for work? Would you be willing?

Dee: Yes, he would be taking off his clothes in front of drinking, sex-starved women. And yes, they would be ogling him with lust in their hearts and minds. Sure, they will be trying to stick their hands down his shorts in an effort to leave a puny dollar bill, and okay, a few might wait for him out back and want to fuck a little. But where's the harm?? Give the guy a break. It takes a lot of courage to get up in front of a howling crowd and show his package. He's willing to do it for his family. What are you willing to let him do?

Really. Examine your heart. If he should take this job, will you leave him? Fight with him every night? Make his (and your own) life miserable? If you trust him not to sow his seed with every backstage groupie, then I say let him try it. If you don't trust him, that's a different problem than what you wrote about.

Wants Another Child (NOT!)

Q: My husband wants another baby. The one we have now is only a year old and I'm already run ragged. I'm not even sure I want any more kids, much less another at this point. What can I say to convince him to wait?

Anne: People who don't take care for children don't know how much it takes to do so. Can you go on a trip for a few days and leave your child for your husband to take care of? That might give him an idea of the energy required. And you should also explain in no uncertain terms that you don’t have the energy or desire for another child right now. Make sure you're clear.

Dee: He likes to practice making kids. Do you? If so, fuck like bunnies—and make sure you’re on good, reliable birth control. Tell hubby that you are and why, and don't give into bullying or unfair persuasion. If sex is what he likes (and what you like) then have at it. If you don't like sex, then that's a different ballgame. In that case, seek help.

Coupon Book Valentine Gift

Q: Every year my husband gives me flowers or candy for Valentine's Day. I don't mean to imply that things have gotten boring between us sexually. Or maybe I do. This year—our seventh married Valentine's Day—I want something to shake things up. What are your suggestions?

Anne: A romantic weekend retreat. No matter where you live there is someplace you can go to be alone for a day or two. Give him an IOU coupon book. With a daily coupon for a week, you agree to give him something he wants: a back rub, his favorite meal, relief from taking out the trash, and so on. That would be very different, I'll bet.

Dee: The coupon book is a good idea. Here are some ideas for each day: a blow job; surprise him by wearing no underwear when you go out; use a vibrator on yourself in front of him; go out to dinner wearing an egg—and give him the remote; buy and wear some sexy lingerie; send the kids to mom's and rent an adult movie—then act out a scene; arrange to "meet" in a bar or restaurant and pick each other up as though you were strangers. Or, you could probably promise to give head every night and I'm sure he'd be happy. If that doesn't shake things up, find a good lawyer because honey, something's up the creek.

Football Casualty

Q: My boyfriend is all into football and his favorite team lost today. Now he's all pissy. This has happened the past two years now. When his team badly, he's impossible to live with until they win again. He has even hit me once or twice when I've tried to talk him out of his mood. It's like this every fall—the rest of the year he's fine. What should I do?

Anne: Do you actually live with him? Because if so, maybe you should vacate the premises for the autumn. If not, call a hiatus for football season—maybe he'll get the hint that he's not fun to be around when he's acting juvenile.

Dee: Punt his ass down the field of broken relationships. Any man that raises his hand to a woman is an asshole. When he does it because his football game lost makes him a fucking asshole. And I don't care how great he is during the rest of the year. No need to try to make a pass or rush for a touchdown. He'll drop the ball every time. Call a foul and toss him out of the game.

Holiay Weight Gain

Q: Every single year I am surrounded by baked goods and other yummies during the holidays. And every year I gain weight. What can I do to avoid nibbling on all this food?

Anne: Make a formal request that food be brought to a central place—maybe the break room—instead of having them everywhere, then limit how often you go into the break room. Make a formal request that healthy food be part of the mix. Munching on carrots or fruit is much better for you than baked goods and you still feel that you're enjoying snacks. Make a formal request that bringing in food be limited to one or two days a week. There are other suggestions, but try these and see if you get results.

Dee: Look, the holidays come once a year. Indulge! Exercise and restrict your diet during the other 40-45 weeks of the year. If you're looking for other ways you can snack and keep down your waistline, find new methods to burn calorie. Do you know that you can burn up to 321 calories by engaging in 15 minutes of foreplay and 35 minutes of fucking? A 1-inch brownie has less than 38 calories; a 1-inch chocolate chip cookie has fewer than 70 calories. So give me a break. Eat!

Choosing Children in Cinnci

Q: I've been engaged for four years to a fabulous woman. The trouble is, she doesn't want kids. I kept thinking she would come around, but after two years of dating and four years of planning to marry, she hasn't. We're both in our late twenties and have great, professional jobs. Money isn't a problem, security isn't an issue. We have wonderful families with great role models. I love this woman. What should I do?

Anne: If this is a deal breaker, you have little choice. Either you give up your dream of a family, marry her anyway and hope the biological clock kicks in, or you give up the girl and start looking for someone who does want a family. Only you can decide how important it is for you to have children, and only you can decide what to do about it.

Dee: You are adults and you've been engaged for four years?? Holy shit. I sure hope you've been having sex during all this time. Which brings up another question. Your fiancée does know how babies are made, right? She knows how much fun it is and all? If not, you're not doing your job very well. Screw her silly several times a week and who knows? Fate might turn in your direction. Remember, the only truly 100% reliable birth control is an aspirin—held tightly between the knees. With any other method, it's a crap shoot. The more you fuck, the more the odds are in your favor. It's also good for weight control…

Thanksgiving Traditions

Q: My husband insists that I make Thanksgiving dinner exactly as his mother always did when he was growing up. That means only turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, that Campbell's green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert. For twenty-two years I've humored him because we always hosted the family holidays and it seemed so damn important. But this year we are by ourselves. I don't see the need of preparing all that food for just the two of us. Plus, for all of those years, he played host while I managed all the kitchen chores—preparation, cooking and roasting and baking, and clean-up, with help from the other women in the family. I have been looking forward to the years when I could enjoy the holidays as much as he always seems to, and this is it. However, again he's insisting that we have the full-court meal. We can freeze leftovers, he says, and besides, it's "tradition." I'd like to tradition him. How can I convince him I can be very thankful not to have to prepare the meal this year?

Anne: Give him this letter you just sent us. Maybe it will open his eyes. Out of curiosity, what are the rest of the family doing this year? Maybe you can join them?

Dee: Thanksgiving is about more than the fucking turkey. Tell him he can all he wants of whatever traditional meal by taking you to Picadilly Cafeteria (or restaurant of your choice). Then you'll both enjoy the dinner.

NOT Brotherly Love

Q: I'm so embarrassed I can't believe I'm even writing you. My problem is, my brother—who is three years older than I am and a senior in high school—has been having sex with me. It started a couple of years ago when he accidentally walked in on me when I was showering. Shortly after, he found ways to brush against me. When we were home alone he would corner me and kiss me, and then touch me, until one night when my parents were out at a party, he sneaked into my room and actually had sex with me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him and make him go away, I wanted to throw up, but instead I froze. It was my first time and I cried a lot for days, so much that my mom said I looked awful and wanted to take me to the doctor. Privately my brother said if I turned him in he'd make me sorry—and since I didn't scream or fight him, no one would believe I wasn't willing. From somewhere he found birth control pills and had me take them. After that, he took me whenever and wherever he could. The worst thing is, I have orgasms, so part of me must like what he does. I feel dirty and used. I want to kill myself. What can I do?


Anne: Immediately get help. Tell your parents, talk to a school nurse or your minister or counselor. DO NOT WAIT! Forget the embarrassment. What happened is not your fault—in fact most sexual abuse is done by someone the abused person knows. You won't be the first girl to have to tell on your brother. He played on your fears to have his way.


I am serious—find someone to talk to right away. Dee and I are not qualified in this kind of situation to recommend more than that.


Dee: Your brother raped you, nothing less. He could (and should) go to jail for what he's doing, especially since you were a child when he started and you’re still underage. You must tell someone what's been happening. Do not waste any time doing so.


If you can't bring yourself to talk to someone you know, there are online organizations that could help: http://www.stopitnow.org/ or http://www.protect.org/home. But it would be best if your parents knew or a teacher or someone locally who could remove you from your situation. Please write back and let us know that you found help.

Stripping for College Bucks

Q: I come from a very religious family. I mean, church twice on Sunday, choir practice and a Bible lessons during the week. I didn't have an unhappy childhood,. but I guess I always knew that life wasn't for me. Now I'm twenty and trying to make the money I need to complete my degree. I was offered the chance to strip in a local club. The money is really good and I only have to work three nights a week. I've been to the club and felt an immediate bond with the women who worked there. I know I could do this, but I'm afraid if my family found out they would disown me. What should I do?

Anne: If it's not illegal or immoral, you have to follow your heart. The question is, do you believe stripping to be immoral? Your family will, from what you've said. If you can face their dismay and believe in yourself enough to withstand their criticism, then you should be all right. Just remember, money aside, you need to be able to face yourself in the mirror each day.

Dee: You're twenty years old and (it sounds) paying for your own education. The decision of how you live your life is up to you. You'll be faced with other decisions in life that will bring their criticism even if you don't strip. If you find the place is safe and that they don't expect you to fuck the customers (or owners), I say go for it. It's not like once you start you can't leave if you discover it's not what you think now. Give it a shot if you want, and let your family decide whether or not they love you, regardless of what you do.

More Than Babies Like Nipples

Q: My girlfriend wears her clothes too short and tight. Sometimes she doesn't wear a bra, so her nipples are visible through her tops. Everywhere we go men ogle her, but she doesn't seem to mind looking and acting like a slut. I love seeing her look sexy, but I want to be the only man who sees her like that. When I bring it up to her, she just says I should be proud that other men find her sexy, and to stop feeling jealous. Somehow, it doesn't work that way for me. But whenever we come home, the sex is hotter than the sun.

Anne: This is a real problem and I feel for you. Unfortunately, it's her body and her choice of what she wears. As long as she stays covered enough not to be arrested, you're out of luck.

Dee: The last line of your note says it all—the sex is hot after you've been out and watched your girl nearly show it all to other men. You might not like seeing them leer, but you like the results later on. So are you really so much against her exposure?

Look, you have to decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not. If you can't stand seeing her nipples on full display for others, then leave. If you like the hot fucking more then you dislike her short skirts and braless tops, then shut up and learn to enjoy her attributes in public as well as private.

A Better Use for Tongues

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I have been without Internet due to a server crash at Time Warner. What fun!

Q: Yesterday we had a fire drill at work. A co-worker made a joke when we gathered at the far end of the parking lot that he would just let the flames get him next time rather than tromp down three flights of steps and walk so far. Lots of people laughed but I gave him a sharp tongue-lashing. My parents died in a fire when I was a child, and it's nothing to make fun of. Now some people think I'm the rude one. What did I do wrong??

Anne: Sometimes people say things that are in poor taste but they don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Did this person know you had suffered such a tragedy? I'll bet not. Maybe you should have said something quietly to him instead of in front of others. In fact, maybe you can apologize in just that way now. Once he knows your circumstances I'm sure he will apologize right back for making a crude joke.

Dee: Not to minimize your loss, but fuck a duck, lady. How in hell was the guy supposed to know that your parents died in a fire?? Think back and carefully—haven't you ever said something that might better have been left unsaid? If you say no, think again because we all have. There are plenty of reasons to be offended in life without going out to look for reasons.

And while we're on the subject of things better left unsaid, how old are you, anyway? The last time I heard anyone say they gave someone a tongue-lashing, I was playing with a spoon and my grandmother was changing Anne's diapers. In this day and age—and in my world—"tongue lashing" means something very different and much more pleasurable.

Too Young? Yeah. Jeez!

Q: I am fourteen and want to start wearing lipstick and shorter skirts. My mom is from the dark ages and insists I'm too young but my friends all do it (and worse). They have boyfriends, while I'm always alone—without a boy. How can I convince her to let me grow up??

Anne: I'm sure I will sound just like your mom when I say not to rush things—you'll grow up fast enough. You should enjoy the age you are—every year brings its pleasure, and boys will come soon enough. Take it slowly, regardless of your friends. Learn to love and appreciate yourself, and then you will appreciate a relationship with a boy much more.

Dee: If only you were much older. If you were and complained about not having a man I would send you to a web site that explained how to have sex (because that's where you're headed) safely. I'd give you much different advice. But you're fourteen (jeez!), so I will behave.

Look. With each step you take in life, there are consequences and changes you can never take back or change. And it's human nature to want more, no matter what you have now.

So how does that apply to your question? Let's take a hypothetical situation. (If you don't know what hypothetical means you sure as hell are not old enough to be dating.) A fourteen-year-old girl I know named…um, Sally wants to do what her friends do. It so happens her friends date—or maybe meet guys somewhere that their parents don't know about. Sally sneaks with them and does the same. She wears makeup that her mom forbids and pulls her skirt up to her thighs.

Guys, being guys, will try to get the girls to do more than raise their skirts to their thighs. They might encourage drinking or drugs—both things that will loosen Sally's inhibitions. Before Sally and her friends know it, they’re kissing the guys, they're letting the guys touch a little. Maybe they touch a little, too, and it's exciting and feels good. Really good. One thing no one tells a young girl is that foreplay feels great. The more a guy does, the better it feels and before you know it, you aren't thinking much anymore.

It's at this point that some girls lose all sense and go all the way. They let the guy fuck them—'cause fucking is what it is, Missy. There's nothing romantic about it, no matter what nonsense the guy spouts at the moment. He's only saying whatever it takes to get in your pants—remember that.

Now here's what I want you to think about:
Probably in a matter of weeks, Sally has gone from a normal fourteen-year-old to a girl who "puts out." That's what the guys will say to each other, and before she knows it, she'll have lots of guys hanging around—all wanting her to spread her legs. Hey! Nothing against the guys—it's the way male children are (some male adults, too). They will expect Sally to continue doing what she's already started.

At fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, what else is there? Sally has already done it all, and the thrill and/or pleasure has worn off. And SHE CAN'T EVER GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

That might not seem like much now, but think about it. Which road do you want to take? I'm sure you keep whining to your mother that you're grown up and can make decisions for yourself. Well, prove it by making the right decision now. There's plenty of time for screwing around later. You'll enjoy it more, believe me.

If you choose the wrong path, please talk to your mother and tell her if you get involved in sex. Take precautions against disease and pregnancy. But I hope you hold off.

The Landlord Wants Too Much for Rent

Q: My landlord said he would forgive my rent each month if I would have sex with him oe night a month. I'm not a virgin or anything, and I'm a graduate student so I'm always strapped for cash. He's not a bad looking guy, and if I met him out somewhere I might even be interested. But there's something making me feel used in this situation. I can't afford to lose my apartment. What should I do?

Anne: Call the department in your city that handles fair business practices and turn him in. Someone at your school will know who to turn to. Do it!! If he made this proposition to you, he's made it to others. He needs to be stopped.

Dee: You know what? Follow Anne's advice. Then ask to meet him in a public place, say a local coffee shop. Then tell him that had he approached you there, and made conversation, he wouldn't have regretted it. Tell him that you find him attractive, and if only he had tried to meet you in a regular way, you would have fucked him all night for weeks on end without any demands on him. Tell him you would have sunk to the floor of the shop right then and there and sucked him off and given him head whenever he wanted it. Tell him if he had acted like a decent, normal human, interested in you instead of having power over you, your body would have burned for him. But instead, you’re screwing him in a different way. (This is why you meet in public.) Make sure you've got the goods against him and have dotted your "I's" before you tackle this. The bastard. Too bad you can't get near his balls with a vise grip.

A Little Virtual Viagra

It's been a long time since we were online, but just like the Terminator, "We came back." We hope you are back with us!

There were many questions submitted while we were traveling from Virginia to Idaho, and here's one now.

Q: My husband is furious with me. He is a programmer professionally, so I thought when he came home he'd want a break, but he doesn't. He eats dinner and then disappears into the office until bedtime. He never talks about what he's doing, so earlier this week I started his computer just to look at the desktop. All of these porn sites opened up. I was shocked—I mean really shocked. We are church elders and follow the Bible. How could he sit in here for hours and look at naked women?? Don't get me wrong. There was nothing too perverse—no children or other men—but he has me for sex for why does he need to see these other…things?

Anne: I'm sure there is a good psychological reason why men enjoy porn, but the simple explanation is that they're more visually stimulated than women. The sight of a bare breast is exciting to them. Now it sounds as though your hubby has gone off the deep end, if he's spending hours at the computer terminal. I would suggest that you seek help—maybe couples counseling or a session with your minister—to see why he's looking for fulfillment in the virtual world rather than in the real bedroom.

Dee: What kind of sex life do you have? I mean. do you have a Bible reading before sleep? I believe in the Good Book, but (let's face it) that could have a diminishing effect on a man's pokey stick, you know? Instead of complaining about those nekkid girls, why don't you try joining them? Meet him at the door with nothing on but a smile, or tell him that dessert is on you, and really serve dessert on you. Your husband is obviously seeking something more exciting and "out there" than what he thinks he's getting at home. Maybe you should be happy that he is looking at girls on the computer screen and not out fucking some hot box in an alley.

On the other hand, you didn't mention your ages. Are you young, newly married, a mature couple, or in-between? That has some bearing on the situation, too. Is he accompanying the peek shows with phone sex? If you're too worried about greeting him with nothing on, maybe you could call him with a little oral stimulation—your lips whispering nasty, enticing images into his ear via the phone. In other words, don't just complain—get off your ass and do something to spark his interest.

If none of that words, seek out a therapist or divorce lawyer.