Jokes Are Dead Wrong for This Guy

Q: I am a mortician. I'm used to all the jokes and stories made up about morticians, but it bothers me when my girlfriend takes part. I've told her over and over that I get that kind of thing enough from others, and that I take my job seriously. It's important. But she continues. What can I do to get her to stop?

Anne: Well, maybe nothing. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't care to pay attention, maybe that's a hint as to how she feels about you. Or maybe your profession makes her nervous. Are there any other problems? You should examine your relationship beyond jokes made about your job.

Dee: Maybe she continues to make jokes because   well, shit, maybe because she finds such jokes funny. It's a release from (what you have to admit) is kind of a macabre, dark profession. Maybe you should joke back. Let her know that yes, your job is really important and yes, it's a serious profession, but that you can appreciate the way she needs to handle release from that.

Or tell her that when she tells jokes about dead bodies and such that it makes you hot and that you must have sex or a BJ every time you hear such jokes. Then follow through. Either she will give up the jokes or you'll have lots of fucking added to your life. Either way, it's not so bad, right?

Wifely Education

Q: My wife is in college—again. This is the third time she's attempted to get an undergraduate degree. The first two times she didn't get beyond the second semester of the second year. That's about when she burns out, decides she doesn't want to do what she's in school for, and drops out. Within a few years, she's back at it. This is her third attempt and her third major area of study. She isn't working to help pay for this crap and I'm having to support the household and take care of two kids because she's "studying." That also means there's no time for sex. I'm sick of this, but don't know what to do about it.

Anne: It's admirable for someone to want to go back to school, but I think she needs some guidance. Have her see her school counselor and take an aptitude test of some sort. That might direct her to specific course of study where she is really passionate and can succeed. Once she does succeed, you may find you were happy she went back for her degree. College graduates make more money than non-graduates, so she'll be better able to contribute to the household finances.

Dee: She must have had time to do something besides school—you knocked her up twice at least. So unless you plan to keep her barefoot and pregnant in an effort to keep her out of college, it sounds as though the two of you should sit down and form a plan. If she's too scattered in what she likes to develop a plan for success in school, help her do it. Obviously she wants a degree or she wouldn't keep at it. So help her find a way to do it right. It sounds as though you're giving her support. Maybe grudgingly, but you're giving it. Make sure the support you give pays off. Be a man and not such a whiner. Help your wife be all she can be, and maybe she'll help you by getting on her knees once in awhile in gratitude.

Coupon Book Valentine Gift

Q: Every year my husband gives me flowers or candy for Valentine's Day. I don't mean to imply that things have gotten boring between us sexually. Or maybe I do. This year—our seventh married Valentine's Day—I want something to shake things up. What are your suggestions?

Anne: A romantic weekend retreat. No matter where you live there is someplace you can go to be alone for a day or two. Give him an IOU coupon book. With a daily coupon for a week, you agree to give him something he wants: a back rub, his favorite meal, relief from taking out the trash, and so on. That would be very different, I'll bet.

Dee: The coupon book is a good idea. Here are some ideas for each day: a blow job; surprise him by wearing no underwear when you go out; use a vibrator on yourself in front of him; go out to dinner wearing an egg—and give him the remote; buy and wear some sexy lingerie; send the kids to mom's and rent an adult movie—then act out a scene; arrange to "meet" in a bar or restaurant and pick each other up as though you were strangers. Or, you could probably promise to give head every night and I'm sure he'd be happy. If that doesn't shake things up, find a good lawyer because honey, something's up the creek.

Appreciating Each and Every Minute

Q: Last week, when coming out of the grocery store, I stopped to help an elderly man lift his groceries in the trunk of his car. He started talking and I couldn't help but listen as he explained that his wife of 48 years had recently died. He said he hadn't been the best of husband's but that came home to him when going through his wife's things. Back in the closet he found a box. Inside, a dress was neatly folded. He didn't remember the dress, he said, or even the date written on a yellowed sheet of paper laying on top. "December 20, 1959. I wore this dress to the Sanford Christmas part and David said I looked beautiful." With tears shimmering in his eyes, he told me he didn't remember telling his wife that she was beautiful. In fact, he was sure he hadn't paid her enough loving attention for most of their marriage, and now he regretted that every day. I can't get the man out of my mind. I've tried to think of the last time my husband told me I was beautiful or when I last complimented him. How can I get it across that our time on Earth is finite, and we should appreciate every second with the ones we love?

Anne: What a touching and beautiful story. Of course, you can always tell him you love him, but what about finding new ways to say it? Cook or bake something he loves once a week. Tuck notes in his lunch that let him know you're thinking of him. Plan a day to do whatever he wants—even if it's nothing, or watching a ballgame on TV. Hold his hand. Smile. Flirt. I hope whatever you do works.

Dee: Well, of course I also thought of doing things he likes but my mind ran in a different direction. Fix a dinner he likes—and include an aphrodisiac, like oysters or chocolate. Plan an evening out to somewhere he wants to go—and let him know you're not wearing panties. Hold his hand—and when you're in a private spot (or semi-private?), place it over your breast. Or put your hand over his cock beneath the drape of a tablecloth. Give him a blowjob when he's least expecting it. Buy something new and special at Adam and Eve, or if you're able, plan a weekend to a Sybaris resort. Telling him that you should appreciate your time together is always more special with a little fucking to frost the cake. Have fun getting your message across!

Desperate Denver Dan

Q: How can I convince my wife to have sex when her family is visiting? This year has been hell. I'm working and my wife is, too. Unfortunately, a good number of her family is not, and they've all been staying with us. First one brother, then another brother with his wife and kid, her sister with her two kids and then her mom decided to come for two weeks. Now the first brother is lai off and back again. We have a small house and my wife has refused to have sex unless we happen to be home and all of them are out—which has happened twice in three months. I'm about to die—or kill someone. Which should I do to get back to normal relations?

Anne: You poor guy! But what a nice guy, too, to help your wife's family. I think (if financially possible) you should pay everyone to go out to dinner or a movie once a week. Or maybe you and your wife could afford a motel room now and then? You're stuck between helping family and helping yourself. Just remember that this bad economy won't last forever.

Dee: I understand it's difficult to explain to a brother that you want some time alone to hump his sister, but you are married. It's not like you're asking him to give you time alone to fuck his teenage sister in the bed of a 1985 Ford at the end of a farm lane in Virginia Beach. Not that anyone I know ever did that… Anyway, if you can't talk to her family and convince them to leave you alone, then you have to do something else. Go somewhere. "Get a room," or even use the bed of an old Ford pickup. Be imaginative or your marriage will end before the recession.

In the meantime, have you suggested she give you a little relief? A BJ might be nice to take the edge off, or even a hand job. Don't be shy.

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Need More Than Blowing

Q: My husband wants oral sex all the time. I like it okay, but what's in it for me? Any hints?

Anne: This really isn't my area. Ask him to reciprocate? Dee, help!

Dee: Ever tried a 69? There's plenty to appreciate in that particular position, for both of you. Find a way to suck him so he can finger you. Try a magic egg while you're giving head. In other words, use a little imagination, woman!!! For a woman, the most erogenous zone is the brain. Put yours to use, and then maybe your mouth will be more ready to be put to use, too.

Please! I Need Some "Head" Advice in Parsippany

Q: My boyfriend likes me to give him oral sex. I try but I'm not very good at it. Any suggestions?

Anne: Well, at least you're trying. Has your boyfriend said what he perceives as the problem? If he gives specifics, then you have a starting point for improvement. By the way, I hope he returns the favor and gives you oral sex, too.

Dee: Listen, he can't get away simply with saying he doesn't like the way you do blow jobs, he has to give a little more detail. Is it that you don't swallow, or you don't take enough of him, or you don't maintain a rhythm, or what? Too bad you don't know a prostitute or someone who has a lot of experience who could give you a few personal tips.

Barring that, here's what I know:
• Relax the throat--if you can't manage on your own, there are sprays you can use for this. Use your lips to press him firmly.
• On the downward stroke, use your tongue on the underside of his cock and twist the base slightly with your free hand.
• At the bottom, tongue flick the base.
• Use a licking motion on the upward stroke.
• At the top, hold the base, then lick the crown and tickle the slit.
• Most of all, act like you're enjoying yourself. Giving head is a very sensual, intimate act. Men generally love it, but it loses a lot if you hate every second and show it.

For advice from more knowledgeable sources, check out these sites and others: allsexguide.com, deepmemories.com. I found these by Googling "how to give a blow job," so information isn't hard to find.

If you actually do hate giving head, then explain that to your boyfriend and don't do it. Perfect hand jobs instead. If your boyfriend insists on blow jobs in order for you to stay together and you hate it, too bad for him--that's not being loving and you deserve better. But if you enjoy bringing a man to his knees by sucking him off, then a little technique can go a long way in giving pleasure to both of you.

Not Ready for Breakup

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he’s going to break up with me if I don’t um…take him in my mouth. I love him and I don’t want to break up, but I hate the very idea of you know, doing that. What should I do?

Anne: Are you sure he really means this? It seems to me he’s being unreasonable if he loves you. Talk to him. Tell him the distaste (no pun intended) you feel for the oral sex act. If he loves you, he should try to see your side of this. Don’t feel alone—a lot of women do not care for doing it.

Dee: Look, I agree. Ask him what he means exactly. If he says he truly is breaking up if you don’t give him head, then put on your big girl pants and decide what you’re going to do. If you hate having his penis in your mouth, then draw the line. Regardless of how much you “love” him, you’ll eventually grow resentful if you feel he’s forcing you into something disgusting. In that case, call it quits (this way you’re the one ending it) and be on the lookout for a man more interested in your feelings. Be aware though, I’ve never met a man who didn’t love oral sex. When they’re on the receiving end, at least.

If you’re willing to give it a try, let him know you’re a novice and that you need to learn how best to handle the act. If he balks or tries to rush you, tell him if you get nervous you might bite down. That should keep him in line. By the way, I think he’s a jerk for making this ultimatum. Man does not shrivel and die if he doesn’t get oral sex. Tell him I said so.

And here’s another tip: quit being a baby. It’s “give head,” “suck,” “BJ or blow job” instead of “you know, doing that.” Grow up. (This goes for you, too, Anne. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re my sister.) Men love to hear a woman use those terms. But only if she’s going to do them. If you decide to suck him, use the words sure to incite and let him know you’re ready and willing, not being dragged kicking and screaming.