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Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling Left Out and Hating It

Q: I have two best friends, one male and one female. We’ve always been together and I know they’ll always be part of my life. Or I hope so, at least. I never thought of him as a "boyfriend" ... but then a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend told me that she likes him and wants to try and "go out" with him. That’s upset me and I’m not sure why. I didn’t think it before but now I wonder if I have other feelings for him, too. What do I do?

Anne: Does the male in the trio like her back? Has she acted on her feelings, and has he responded? If so, then I think you have to let the relationship develop and see what happens. If you’re still bothered, then you need to talk with them and tell them of your concern, which I think might center around feeling left out. If they say they want to explore a new relationship, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. If you’ve never thought of the guy as a boyfriend before now, then you’re most likely not really attracted to him. Let that idea go. I’m sorry.

Dee: It’s sad but true, three’s a crowd. It’s a fact that three is the number that first allows stability—three legs will support a chair or table or a tripod. But people aren’t chairs (there’s a piece of profound wisdom). Three people in a relationship rarely works out, especially if one of them is of the opposite sex of the other two. If your friends are pairing off, sure, go ahead and tell them you feel hurt and left out. Chances are, they’re going to say back that they’re sorry but get over it. (Maybe they’ll be nicer than that…) You could then tell them to fuck off, but they probably will go and do half of that suggestion, and then you’ll feel worse. If you want to get back at them for dumping you, wait awhile before doing anything (letting air out of his tires while they’re on a date, posting a nasty story about her on a school blog). If you don’t, they’ll know it was you and all hell will break loose.

Of course, there is the possibility he doesn’t like her as a girlfriend. In that case, you have the choice of letting things go and seeing if they fall back into the regular pattern, or you could try going out with him yourself and make your girlfriend feel as lousy and left out as you’ve been feeling. (I had to say that because otherwise, I agree with Anne, and God knows I can’t let that happen!)