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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Fatherhood? Puh-leeze!

Q: I have a male friend who just started dating a girl I don't like. She told him she is pregnant from her previous boyfriend. Now my friend wants to marry her because she needs help and has nowhere else to turn. I’m crazy over this because I think he is throwing his life away. He hasn't graduated from high school yet but he thinks he can make it work. What do I tell him?

Incredulous Best Friend

Anne: Incredulous, you don’t tell us if you’re a boy or girl, but either way, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. While his intentions are admirable, it sounds as though he’s on the wrong track. He needs someone to explain a few facts of life to him—the difficulty of finding work without a diploma, the costs, both financial and emotional, of dealing with a baby in the house (especially one that’s not his), the great danger of entering into a marriage where love and trust aren’t established. Is there a family member—yours or his—who he trusts enough to listen to? Or a minister, teacher or coach, maybe? I hope someone gets through to him before he makes a mistake that will affect three people.

Dee: See? THIS is why teens should not have the right to vote. Or drink or drive. Your friend has a head full of mush. Blow in his ear (only if you’re a girl, please, and I think you are because guys just don’t use words like “incredulous”) and see if you can clear some space for him to listen up.

There are places for girls who are prego to get help. Heck, maybe even the baby’s father would be interested in stepping up to the plate. Does she know that he won’t? If not, she still has options. Once your friend leaves school, his options for success are cut in half, even if he gets a GED. The longer he tries to align the costs of a family with a beginning job, and the longer he stays married, the harder it will be for him to break out and change the path he’s going down. If they should stay together long enough to add another child to the mix, well, I fear for his sanity.

I could be wrong. Could be things are hard but they persevere and end up making a good life. But the odds are greatly against them. Hell, the odds are against two people who are out of college, madly in love and NOT pregnant with someone else’s child, thanks very much.

Your friend’s heart is full of the joy of caring and giving and rose petals for the little one. Tell him to wake up. He ain’t Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny didn’t die and put him in charge. (Actually, I guess a rabbit did die, but work with me, here.) Tell him to clear his mind of hearts and flowers and think of the worst case scenario. Chances are very good this chick is going to dump him in a year or so because he’s working too hard and the baby cries too much and he’s never around to help her with “alone time.” He’ll end up paying child support for someone else’s kid and kicking himself all the way to his place behind the French fryer at McDonald’s.

If he’s smart instead of idealistic (which I doubt) he’ll point the girl to the nearest a)family member who might care, b)church, c)social services office, or someplace other than his parents’ basement, where he envisions living with her in wedded bliss.