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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Pans Rather Than Pan-ties in Massachusetts

Q: My husband and I have been married for twelve wonderful years. We have two active children and hectic careers. Our problem is a common one, I think. For our anniversary, he always buys me sexy lingerie. Not necessarily negligees, but panties, bras and tap pants sets. Each year I tell him I’d rather have something I can use—at this point, even a vacuum cleaner would be preferable to lacy panties. Each year it’s as if he was deaf the previous year. Our thirteenth anniversary is in a month. I don’t want to be harsh but believe me, I already have a drawer full of lingerie I don’t wear. Maybe if you all back me he’ll sit up and pay attention.

Anne: I don’t understand men—and you’re right, this is a common problem. Often, men give women the gifts they want, rather than what women want. I suggest you cook him a great meal one night and point out which pots and pans you used, then show him your drawer of unused lingerie. Tell him with a pan you can remember your special date every time you roast, or fry or whatever it is you want to receive. Another alternative is to buy a pot you really want and tell him ahead of time that you bought your gift from him. (WARNING: This may be an undesired slippery slope to always having to buy your own gifts, depending on your guy's temperament.) As a last note, it doesn’t hurt to do something romantic now and then. Maybe slip into one of those other gifts and see the light in his eyes.

Dee: Let’s turn the tables. Does he always adore everything you get him? Look, it’s your anniversary. The man surely doesn’t expect you to dress up for him every night, so indulge him this one night, which is supposed to be a remembrance of that first-love feeling. Maybe it would be easier if you got away from the “two active kids” and spent a some time alone. Here in Chicago-land we have Sybaris Pool Suites which cater to couples seeking romance. But even a night at your local Holiday Inn Express would be a break. My advice? Have dinner out. Feed each other spoonfuls of luscious dessert. Then go home—or to your room at an inn—and dress up. Put on whatever sexy thing he bought this year. Surprise him with an elephant cock cover and then, Lady, make him roar with delight. That’s the recipe to a happy anniversary.

Oh, Jackkk! Do you have the number for Sybaris handy…?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Football Season

Q: Anne and Dee, I am a football spouse. Most people say it’s only one season out of the year, but that’s not quite the case. Now, football starts in the summer and goes on (this year, for example) into February. As far as I’m concerned, the Cardinals and Eagles are birds, Rams are male sheep and Dolphins are fish. I could care less about the Super Bowl or the New England Steelers. Any ideas on how I can wean my wife off the NFL?

Dave in Denver

Anne: Dave, are you kidding? There are so many women who understand perfectly where you’re coming from! On the other hand, do you know how many men would love for their wives to watch football with them? And I’ll bet your wife would like you to enjoy time watching the game, too. Why don’t you make a deal—you’ll spend a few hours in front of the TV with her each week and she’ll spend time with you on a hobby of your choice? Keep in mind, Dave, it’s the time you spend with each other that really counts. Compromise is the name of the game.

Dee: Good God, Dave, are you a man or a mouse? Do I really have to explain how to make your “moves” better than any quarterback's? Do I have to come and discuss with your wife how something long and oval needs the right carrier’s hands? Can’t you demonstrate that a playing field can be a bed as well as a stadium? Haven’t you shown her that you have better BALLS than the Steelers (who play for Pittsburgh, by the way)??

If not, take up knitting or needlepoint (like Roosevelt Greer) during the golden season and leave us football fans alone.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

An Innocent Kiss? Um...NOT!

Q: My boyfriend and I attended a New Year’s Eve party at the house of my good friend. We were having a good time and shared a hot kiss when midnight arrived. When it was getting time to go home and I couldn’t find him, I went looking. Yes, you guessed it, I found him and my friend in a very compromising position. Not having sex, but I think they would have if not discovered. My friend’s husband was right in the other room! My boyfriend was obviously embarrassed and upset. He apologized all the way home and protested that he’d had too much to drink. My girlfriend called the next day and told me the same—that she’d had too much to drink, that she’s never done anything like that before and never would again. They both seem so sincere. I hesitated to write about this problem, but I can’t stop thinking about them together. Should I forgive and forget?

Feeling Like a New Year Baby

Anne: You are not a “baby” in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to worry before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one New Year’s Eve, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.

As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times and alcohol—-maybe even you. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.

Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—-and Anne you should remember this—-that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.

Now as for the woman. If she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.

Monday, January 5, 2009


Q: Anne and Dee, every year I make the same resolution for the new year: to lose weight. Every year I break it before the end of March, making me feel bad about myself. Do you have any tips for me?
Pounds Overweight in Kalamazoo

Anne: First of all, are you sure your resolution is reasonable? I mean, has your doctor told you that you’re overweight? And has he prescribed a diet plan for you or made suggestions on what to do to lose weight? I know it’s one of the hardest things in the world to do, especially if you’re trying to do it alone. So my tip is—as long as you have the blessing of your health care provider—join a group where you’ll get support. There are both wonderful weight control and exercise clubs and groups where you’ll meet other women in the same boat and together you’ll help each other shed those pounds. Good luck!

Dee: Hey there, Pounds Overweight. You say you give up your resolution before the end of March and then you feel bad. For how long? Do you keep feeling bad the other nine months of the year? Or—and this is just curiosity on my part—are you generally a happy, normal, well-adjusted human being?? Because if so--if you're generally happy with yourself--and if your doctor isn’t warning you you’re about to keel over due to excess weight, then here’s your tip: STOP MAKING RESOLUTIONS! Or at least make ones that are more fun to keep.

The way I look at weight, as long as I can keep fitting in Anne’s clothes, I’m cherry.