Ben Wa what?

Q: I just heard from my husband that my sister in law was told by her GYN to purchase ben wa balls. My husband says her husband is thrilled and that their sex since then has been explosive. Now he wants me to get some. What are they, anyway?

Anne: Ben Wa balls have been used for centuries to stimulate a woman sexually. Taoists believed a man gained health and a longer life by absorbing energy created during sex. Part of the practice involved making sure the woman also had satisfaction…though the woman was unimportant enough not to gain long life from the act.

Ben Wa balls, connected with silk ribbons, were inserted into a woman's vagina and held there. With each movement, her inner passage was stimulated, kind of like a sexual buzz.Aside from that, holding the balls inside strengthens the Kegel muscles, which can enhance the man's pleasure during sex. And aside from that, because let's face it, men get plenty enough pleasure from sex, strengthening those muscles can reduce or eliminate involuntary incontinence. I suspect that's the reason your sis-in-law's gynecologist suggested she try the things.


Dee: Yeah, that peeing when you sneeze thing is a bitch. But let's not underestimate the real purpose of the Ben Wa balls, which is to heighten sexual pleasure. Slide a couple of these gems in your puss-puss and wear them during the day. Every move you make they slip a little, turn a little. Some balls have a trinket or ball bearings inside, making stimulation is even stronger. And here's the kicker. No one but you (or your lover) knows what kinky little thing is going on under your skirt or slacks! There are also vibrating Ben Wa balls, great for fun at home on your own or during sex, when you both get a little buzz.

As far as I'm concerned, these are the second best balls to play with. What's first? Ask Jack.

* Photos from Adam & Eve

Jobless in Colorado

Q: I lost my job a month ago. I've looked but there's nothing for me in this area, which is Colorado Springs. I've found a possibility for work--just a possibility--in Texas, but every time I mention it to my wife, she freaks. We've lived here since we were married. We have two kids and her parents live half a mile away. I know it's hard for her to think of moving, but if there's no work, there's no work. Lately there's been no sex, too. What can I do to convince her?

Anne: Jobless, I sympathize totally with you! However, of course it's hard for your wife to think about picking up and moving when she's not even sure there's a job for you in Texas. My advice is to keep looking for work in your hometown but check further into the job in Texas. Maybe if you find there is a job and they're ready to hire you if you relocate, your wife will see the logic. I think right now it's the uncertainty that has her upset. Good luck!

Dee: From my own point of view, there's never a good excuse for not having sex. If someone is withholding from someone else out of spite or anger, then shame! On the other hand, if stress is causing the lack of mattress bouncing, then consider that sex isn't all about intercourse. It's also about cuddling and lending comfort to the person you love. In hard times, this is needed more than ever. And by the way if you or your wife needs a little "Put Tab B into Slot A" guidance, maybe you should pick up a Dee S. Knight or Francis Drake book!

Now to the move. Definitely find out if there's a job in Texas. If there is, maybe you'd go down and work for a short while without your family, just to make sure everything is as you thought it would be, before uprooting everyone. Maybe your in-laws can keep the kids and your wife can go down and check things out with you. And if it looks like you need to move for work, then by golly, your wife will have to bite the bullet and do it. In this day, you take opportunities where you can find them. Pulling together during hard times as well as good is what marriage is all about. And besides, she might find out the adventure of living in a new place is wonderful. Stranger things have happened. I join Anne in saying good luck!

Scared of Fakes

Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have three kids that keep us pretty busy, but we manage to have sex fairly regularly, and it's pretty good. However, about a month ago, he ordered a dildo from some online company, and he wants me to use it while he watches. I'm uncomfortable doing this. What's wrong with what we've been doing?? I told him no, and he accepts it but I can tell he's disappointed. In fact, we haven't had sex since then. Was I wrong?

Anne: I can see that you're uneasy about this, but every marriage needs attention. It sounds as though your husband doesn't think he's getting enough, and with three children, it is hard to find time for yourselves. There's no harm in spicing things up a bit. If you're uncomfortable with the sex toy, maybe you could try some sexy lingerie. Or send the kids off for the night and have sex in a different room than the bedroom. You don't have to go over the edge to add some spice to your sex life.

Dee: Good grief, Anne. You think using a dildo is going over the edge? I'd say maybe using a butt plug or strap on might be a little far for novices, but a dildo??

Okay, Ms. Scared of Fakes, why did your husband buy the dildo? I suspect it's because you have sex "fairly regularly" and it's "pretty good." Men might put up with pretty good sex, fairly regularly, but what they want is explosive sex, often. So embrace this hint by hubby that he's interested in a change. There's no need to be afraid--Mr. Dildo can be your friend. Here's what you do.

Did hubby buy a cleaner for the dildo? If so, follow directions to clean and dry it (if not, use a mild hand soap). (Don't get the battery compartment wet if it has one.) Is it a vibrator? Make sure it has batteries. Then… Prop pillows in the center of the bed. When you're ready, turn the lights down low--not out, because the whole purpose here is to watch you. Turn TV off!! Make sure the bedroom door is secured so kiddies don't wander in, and prop yourself on the pillows, preferably naked. Tell hubby to make himself comfortable. If there is lubricant, ask him to squirt a tiny bit on the tip of the dildo. Then gently rub it over your labia and clitoris. If there's vibration, turn it on low until you start to feel the effects--and believe me, you will! If you're embarrassed, close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is just you and the man you love--he's seen you before, right?

Before you know it. you'll be wet and anxious to insert the dildo into your pussy. If your puss-puss is hard to reach, ask hubby to help--he'll love it. Rub your breasts and pay attention to your nipples. Don't be surprised if he doesn't join in by this time. Ask him to lick your breasts or kiss your stomach. Tell him to rub his finger along the dildo and see how wet you are. Tell him you want him to fuck you--talk dirty. Most guys love it.

When you're "competed" (and you know what I mean), be sure to wash the dildo (being careful not to submerge it if it has batteries). The next day, order a pair of fur-lined handcuffs as a surprise for your husband. I see this as a whole new world of sexual exploration you'll find very rewarding if you stop being afraid.

* Graphics from my favorite sex toy shop, Adam and Eve

A Uniform Problem

Q: I'd dated my boyfriend for just short of a year when he asked me to marry him. His brother, whom I'd never met, came from Virginia for the pre-wedding parties and stuff. He's in the Navy and arrived in uniform. I guess the old saying about not being able to resist a guy in uniform is right because ever since then I can't get him off my mind. It doesn't help that he's a funny, nice man and seems to be flirting with me each time we're together. The wedding is in a week, but if his brother asked me to bed, I'd probably go. I don't know if I still want to marry my fiancé. Any advice?

Anne: Dee and I grew up Navy brats, so we know full well how irresistible men in uniforms are. But you need to step back here and think. You've been dating your fiancé for a year. You've known his brother for less than two weeks. Are you sure this isn't just pre-wedding jitters? Maybe nerves are making you question whether you're ready for the very important step of marriage, in which case you aren't alone. Most of us have a few doubts the closer the wedding comes. If you're sure that isn't the case, then you need to do some serious soul searching. If you marry your boyfriend, you're going to be seeing his brother at family events for years to come. If there's a real attraction, the situation is a time bomb ready to go off.

And has his brother actually flirted with you, or is he just being "a funny, nice man," and playing around because that's the way he is? If he's actually, seriously flirting, and there's the chance he would invite you to bed almost on the eve of his brother's marrying you, you need to rethink if this is the kind of man you'd want to get entangled with. Not a very nice brother.

Whatever, you need to evaluate your true feelings before you say "I do." Your boyfriend will most likely get over a broken heart and engagement faster than he will a broken heart and divorce if it turns out you don't really love him.

Dee: Are you serious? Ask yourself if your boyfriend would still want to marry you if he read this letter. Even if you weren't on the verge of holy matrimony, lusting after a guy's brother (or best friend, for that matter) is usually not appreciated. Turn the tables. How would you feel if the condom was on the other cock (so to speak), and you discovered your boyfriend had spent last night boinking your sister? Not so much fun, is it?

Listen, if the brother is hinting that he wants you in his bed and that's where you really, truly want to be, hey, take the leap. But be damn sure you're ready to lose everything--brother and fiancé--by doing so because that's probably what will happen. And if the brother's bed is where you really want to be, then yeah, you'd better say "I shouldn't," instead of "I do." Better now than later.

Liar, Liar

Q: I just found out the man I’ve been dating for two years is married. I love this man. I My best friend broke the news yesterday. At first I didn’t believe it because she’s always lusted after him, but I confronted him last night and it’s true. He said he was sorry. Then he said he would leave his wife if I’d give him just a little time. I know this is the clichéd married man line, but what can I do? I love him. Do you think he could mean it? In every other way he’s been the perfect, honest man.

Anne: I’m sorry to tell you, but I wouldn’t give this man a second more of your time or affection. He lied to you over and over. And if he’s telling you the truth now, he’s lying to his wife, over and over. Is this the kind of man you want to invest your life in? Two years is enough wasted time. Move on, but fast.

Dee: I hope the bastard gave you lots of nice presents. Nice, valuable, pawnable presents.

You don’t give us the full story, but I do wonder. How does a woman date a man for two years and not suspect something’s a little off? I mean, wasn’t he gone and/or out of touch for periods of time? Didn’t he cancel dates and give suspicious reasons? Didn’t he keep from introducing you to friends and colleagues?

I could be wrong. Maybe nothing out of the ordinary happened during all those months, but I kind of doubt it. I’m NOT saying you’re to blame for his lyin’, cheatin’ ways, but I do hope next time you’ll save yourself all kinds of heartache by paying attention to the signs around you.

As for what to do, dump his sorry ass right this minute, if you haven’t already. Then I would take the high road, and not mail a letter to his wife, not send some incriminating item to his house in care of Mr. and Mrs, or agree to meet him one more time and then alert his wife to the time and location. No, I’d never do that. Would I?