This Girl Wants SEX--In the Best Way or Worst

Q: My God! My girlfriend is demanding sex three and four times a day all of a sudden. I'm virile and my spirit is willing, but the flesh just can't take it. I can't study, I can't read or watch TV without her climbing on me and wanting my cock inside her. She even got her bush waxed! I asked her what she ate that made her like this—she used to be sweet and unassuming, giving me sex whenever I wanted it, but never initiating—and she got mad. Said if I couldn't give her what she needed, she'd find someone who could. I'm afraid to have the guys over to watch a ballgame for fear she might have a different "ball game" in mind. What the hell do I do??

Anne: Something has changed for this woman and I suggest you find out quickly what it is. She doesn't do drugs or anything, does she? Has she changed her friends? Taken a feminine empowerment class or something? You can't address the situation until you know the root cause, so look for that.

Dee: What the hell is wrong with you??? She has obviously discovered what you haven't pointed out to her yet: Women love sex, too. And not by being "sweet and unassuming," available at your beck and call. Someone has alerted her to her sexuality, and it wasn't you, Bud.

So. Your choices are what?

• You start taking vitamins and working out instead of sitting on your butt watching TV. That way maybe you'd be able to keep up with her.
• You call your friends over regularly and have sex with the girlfriend night. (Not recommended unless the two of you are into kinky stuff.)
• Make a trip to Adam and Eve.com and buy her some toys. That way she can satisfy herself. On those times you join in the fun, it will be even better for her. The remote control egg can bring a woman off in under a minute and it's always ready and willing. Or maybe try a nice rabbit that does the pussy and clit at the same time.
• Be imaginative, jerk, and find alternative ways to satisfy her when you're a little tired or have a headache. (Poor baby.) By that, I mean suck her off. Learn to be the world's greatest expert in cunnilingus, and she'll be yours forever.

There are a lot of guys out there who would love to have your problem, you know. A woman who wants to fuck all the time? A blessing, man, a blessing. And if you don't do something like what I've described above, one of them is going to end up with your girlfriend.

Vibrators 101

Q: What's the difference in vibrators? Are the biggest ones the best?

Anne: Having never used a vibrator, I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm sure there are sites online that will describe the various models.

Dee: Unlike Sis, I've used many different vibrators. The biggest is not necessarily the best, I can tell you that. Make sure you find a size and style that suits you. The largest unit might hurt or not fit comfortably unless you lubricate it well. Wherever you buy the unit will also sell lube, so don't forget it. Also remember to buy something specifically designed to clean your unit—different styles use different cleaners.

You'll get lots of information from my favorite sex toy site, Adam and Eve. Right now they're featuring a G-spot vibrator, and they offer a picture explanation of where the G-spot is. But they also sell large and smaller vibrators with a skin-like covering, glass units that can be chilled and warmed before use (chilling gives a whole new exciting sensation), eggs that vibrate (all I can say is, wow!), and rabbit styles, some made of gel that I don't particularly find comfortable, but they also feature an additional appendage that vibrates the clitoris while the main part stimulates the vagina. Pussy and clit stimulation together can't be beat!

But, it all comes down to what you find comfortable. Browse Adam and Eve and other sites, read the reviews, and then pick something to try. There is no right or wrong unless what you try doesn't feel good.

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Can You Say Dil-doh?

Q: I have a fake penis, but the thing came with no instructions. How do I use it?

Anne: Having never used one, I’m not sure, but aren’t they kind of self-explanatory??

Dee: You didn’t say very much about the dildo. (Say it out loud: dil-doh. It won’t bite you. Or if the one you have does bite, send me the brand name immediately.) Is it a vibrating model, straight line or more anatomically correct in shape, wired or wireless, soft and skin-like or hard and unbending? Use the dildo to rub your clit, tease your labia and then insert it into your vagina. In other words, use it like a (good, hunky, skilled) man would—in, out, in, out. It’s not rocket science, though used properly, it can set off rockets in your pussy.

Whatever kind of unit it is, I hope you bought a cleaner. Special coverings require a special to keep the surface supple. Even if you are using just soap, make sure to clean the whole surface thoroughly after each use—remember where it’s been and where it will be going again. (Obviously, if you have a battery-powered unit, you don’t submerge the unit.) Then dry it completely.

Some recommend using condoms as extra protection. This will work if what you have is a regularly shaped dildo and not a rocket or a rabbit style.

Remember too, that when a dildo is used like a cock, your pussy tends to think it is a cock. Do the same things after using the dildo that you would if you’d just had regular, old sex. And like sex with a cock, be warned that fucking yourself can become addicting. You know exactly where to touch, where to rub, where to be rough and where to be gentle. You’ve got a lot of good times ahead of you! Have fun!

Getting a Little in the End

Q: My husband likes anal sex. I'm not crazy about it, but I want to please him in a special way every now and then. I feel I should know more about it, though. What should I know that I don't know to ask?

Anne: Hygiene is everything. Make sure you stay clean and that your husband cleans his … you know before and after anal sex. And now you know as much as I do about that form of sex. Sis…?

Dee: Anne is right, cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to taking it in the backdoor—although the Almighty might not like being associated with anal sex. That applies to you, too. Make sure you've evacuated yourself before the big event. (Yes, that means just what it sounds like. Having a gentle shit isn't good enough. Sacrifice for the greater good.)

Wikipedia has an article on anal sex with pictures and all (not for viewing during work, I might add). It's not full of info, but will let you see that the practice isn't so perverse. In other words, your husband isn't alone in his desire for it. (By the way, did you know Wikipedia also has a site for sexual positions? It's like a mini, Kama Sutra online.) There are other sites, like Sextutor, Babeland and Freddy and Eddy.

In addition to being hygienic, the next most important factor—especially for you—is to use a good lubricant. The anus doesn't naturally have much secretion to ease penetration, so tell your hubby to use a good cream or gel designed for the anus. You can find them at any sex shop or site, like Adam and Eve. Without being well lubricated, you're likely to experience pain, and that's not the purpose of sex between two consenting adults.

Start easy and work your way up. This is one time when foreplay is really vital. Have your husband finger you first, gradually working his fingers in and stretching you before he actually penetrates you. That should be fun for him as well as stimulating for you.

Explore anal sex toys. The variety will knock you on your ass—no pun intended. If you find you enjoy the act, maybe you'd like to try a butt plug so you'll be more available, so to speak. Or an anal dildo, which is shorter than the regular one. These are also good ways for hubby to prepare you for what he has to offer, which hopefully will bring you the same amount of pleasure he gets from this sex act. Good luck and enjoy!

Virgin No More?

Q: I am nineteen and still a virgin. I'm determined to fix that. However, I don't really have a boyfriend and I'd prefer not to just grab someone off the street. Is there a sex toy I can use?

Anne: What in the world are you thinking??!!? Why are you determined to give up your virginity? Is your hymen hurting you, vexing you, embarrassing you? No! It's just sitting there, secretly waiting for the right time, the right person to come along. Leave it alone until you find a man you love and want to share the experience with.

A sex toy! Of all the silly questions.

Dee: I agree with Anne although for different reasons. Sure, you can buy a dildo and technically end your virginal state. But I think doing the deed yourself would be very hard. Bring a friend if you decide to go that route, keeping in mind a guy would most likely choose to help in a more personal manner. My advice is do not attempt this at home.

Personally, I think there's nothing like the feel of a real man. Nothing like the stroke of his fingers up your leg, or his knee nudging yours apart. A dildo won't make your breath hitch like feeling a man's weight, or the wetness of his cock on your thigh, or his hot kisses trailing along your jaw to your neck and nipples. And when a man penetrates you, filling you, stretching you, heating you from the inside out, you'll know no dildo could ever do the job right. Don't forget, there's likely to be pain involved in breaking your hymen. A man will take you past that, letting you know why you went to all the trouble. Trust me on this.

Where the hell is Jack??

Sunday Dinner Trouble

Q: My mother expects my husband and me to eat at her house every single Sunday. And not just eat there, come for the say. They wait to go to Mass so we can go with them, mom expects me to help in the kitchen and dad like Mike to watch the game (whatever game is on) with him.

The trouble is, we're newlyweds—just got married three months ago. We do live nearby (about 60 miles), and we both love my mom and dad, but… How can I tell my parents that we really want to start establishing our own Sunday meals, or that we even want sometimes to sleep in and relax over the paper? I'm an only child who lived at home right up until the wedding and my parents are European transplants who are big believers in family. Mom is very sensitive and dad backs her up no matter what. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I want to feel like a married woman, alone with my new husband, on the weekends as well as during the week.

Anne: Family is touchy, but you have to put down your foot now, before things go too far. Explain to your mom that you all love her and your dad, but that you have plans the next Sunday. Then make plans—even if it's to sleep late or watch a movie on TV. Tell her you will be happy to come to Sunday dinner once a month. Maybe you could suggest they come to your house every other month. Just you and your hubby decide what you are willing to do, and then explain it to your parents. Stay firm and eventually your mom and dad will get used to the new plan.

Dee: First of all, you think 60 miles one way is "nearby"??? Explain very sweetly to your parents that you and your husband work all week and you need the weekend to catch up on sex. That should shut them up for a minute or two while you go on to say that you work all week and take care of normal chores on Saturday, leaving only Sunday for sweaty sheets and hot screwing. Tell your mom to remember back to when she was married for three months, and if she's honest she'll recall her own tangled sweaty sheets. I mean, you came from somewhere. If she asks you to explain further, you're in big trouble. Although, you could say you were hoping to give up that honkin' big dildo you've been hiding in your underwear drawer for the last two years and start using something hotter that works without batteries. I can practically guarantee your parents will be speechless after that. Good luck.

Sex Toys with Discretion?

Q: I want to surprise my husband with something new and different. There is a sex toy store next to a truck stop on the edge of town, but I'm afraid to go in there. What is someone sees me? I know I can order online, but I'd like to see whatever I buy in person. I know next to nothing. Discretion is really important…I'm the Methodist minister's wife.

Anne: I understand your need for discretion, so I would advise not going to the store. You never know who's watching. Take a good look online. Read the reviews and comments. I think some of them also have a place where you can write and ask questions, so you might want to use that. If it's too hard, maybe you should plan to go away for a few days instead of trying to buy something?

Dee: Congratulations on wanting to add some spice to your marriage. If more people did that, fewer marriages would fail.

This is what you do: check out adamandeve.com or one of the other sex toy sites. Then Google the toy that interests you and see if your questions are answered. Start with something simple that would interest you both--maybe a dildo or an egg with a remote control. Read reviews/comments. Call the store near you if you don't want to go there. I'm sure they will be glad to answer questions.

If you do find a day or two to get away, try to make it someplace special and romantic like Sybaris, or a nice B&B.

Good luck!

Fear of Assholes (No, really.)

Q: Help! My husband wants to have anal sex. I don't. I have to admit to being curious, but mostly the thought scares me because I think it would hurt. I know he watches it in adult movies and on the Internet. I'm afraid if I don't do it he will go elsewhere. What should I do?

Anne: My advice is simple: don't do anything you don't want to do sexually. If he doesn't like it, let him go somewhere else—he's not worth having around if he doesn't understand your wants and desires during sex as well as his own.

Dee: My first kick butt reaction (no pun intended) was to agree with Anne. You should not engage in sexual activity you are dead-set against, I don't care how much your partner wants you to. And I'd leave it there except for your statement I admit to being curious…

So here's where I differ from sis. If you truly are curious, find out more about it. Learn the proper way to go about the position. Find out about the oils and lubricants formulated to make the experience a pleasant one, and read about the sensations you might expect. Start small by experimenting with a butt plug to get used to the feeling of having something in that orifice. Have your husband manipulate a small anal dildo during regular sex. You might well find out your orgasms are greater and your time together more sensual.

The most important thing is that both your husband and you want to try anal sex and plan to bring enjoyment to the other. Make sure he knows and agrees to the proper health and pleasure techniques to use—and maybe a safe word letting him know to stop if you feel too uncomfortable. If he doesn't agree to all of that, he's the asshole in the situation (pun intended). Good luck!

Seattle Quandary

Q: I found out my significant other is cheating on me. We've dated for three years, share a house and many interests. I recently received a promotion in my career which has meant more hours working, and now I find out he's screwing around with my secretary. I know this for a fact. The trouble is, I have loved the schmuck for years, I'm comfortable with him (except for his cheating), and have fun with him. I hate to lose what we have. I also hate to fire my secretary, who in all things (except sleeping with my "other") is superior. What I hate most is their lack of fidelity to their partner and boss.

Anne: Is there a question in there? Are you asking us if you should cut him loose or hang in there? I certainly can't answer that. I did notice that when you listed all the things about him you enjoy, you didn't mention that you love him. That seems a big consideration. If you let him go, would your heart feel ripped out? If so, sit him down and talk to him. If he's emotional cut the cord, it's probably too late no matter what you decide.

Dee: Look there are a zillion men who would be happy to share a house with a dedicated career woman and who have interest similar to yours. Aside from that, a great vibrator is pretty cheap and doesn't snore. However, a good secretary is hard to find. You do the math.

Boathouse Virginity

Q: I'm a decent, church-going woman. I'm not young, but I haven't exactly hit middle age yet, either. I'm not married and am a little embarrassed to say I've never let a man get passed third base--and that was a long time ago. Until the company picnic a couple of weeks ago, that is. I was sitting off by the river minding my own business and drinking a Coke when a man (I'll call him Henry) joined me. He was drinking beer, and I could tell he'd had quite a few before he came to sit with me. I didn't mind--I've always liked Henry and thought he was handsome. We could hear the sounds of the softball game and the kids' races, but after we'd talked a few minutes, it all seemed far off. Then Henry kissed me, a deep kiss, and I felt something low in my stomach I'd never felt. Before I knew it, Henry had led me into the boathouse and we had sex. When we were there, I wanted it, really wanted it. But now, after two weeks, I don't know. Henry hardly speaks to me, a few people have stopped talking when I come into the room, and (worst of all) he's married, and to a very nice woman. What can I do? I ruined my reputation and good name all in one afternoon.

Anne: Unfortunately, having sex is not a bell you can unring. But take some heart in knowing you aren't the first woman--or the last--to have an encounter at a company function. It's probably not how you thought you might lose your virginity, but you know what? it's no reason to hang your head, either. I say act like nothing happened--Henry seems to be able to. Hold your head up. What happened is no reflection on your being a decent person. If you associate with decent people, they should see that.

Dee: Under normal circumstances, I'd say you were the one not drinking so you should have controlled things better. But the fact that you were pretty inexperienced (do they even say "get past third base' anymore??) means I'll give you a pass. I'm also going to assume you know for sure your little escapade didn't result in a baby. So let's just deal with the sexual side of things. Did you enjoy the sex? Is that what you regret or is it thinking other people know? Did Henry speak to you much before the picnic, or are you letting guilt color his actions now?

If you enjoyed fucking, then there's no reason why you shouldn't do it again. Not with married, sonuvabitch Henry, but with someone else. If marriage isn't what you're looking for, maybe you have a single friend who would like to become a FWB - Friend With Benefits. There's no reason to stay celibate in this day and age. Not that I'm recommending promiscuity, but a girl does have needs.

But, know what you're getting into. Make sure you're prepared with condoms in case the guy isn't, and take care not to get pregnant or contract an STD. Do not believe a man if he says he's had a vasectomy or that he's clean. Use protection at all times. Touch yourself. Order a vibrator online and find out what you like and what turns you on. Never agree to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. On the other hand, there's more to life than the missionary position, so be open to new things.

You have nothing to feel bad about except maybe the wife. My advice: stay as far away from married men as possible. You fucked up once unexpectedly (pun intended), but you're asking for trouble if you let it happen again. Good luck!

Scared of Fakes

Q: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have three kids that keep us pretty busy, but we manage to have sex fairly regularly, and it's pretty good. However, about a month ago, he ordered a dildo from some online company, and he wants me to use it while he watches. I'm uncomfortable doing this. What's wrong with what we've been doing?? I told him no, and he accepts it but I can tell he's disappointed. In fact, we haven't had sex since then. Was I wrong?

Anne: I can see that you're uneasy about this, but every marriage needs attention. It sounds as though your husband doesn't think he's getting enough, and with three children, it is hard to find time for yourselves. There's no harm in spicing things up a bit. If you're uncomfortable with the sex toy, maybe you could try some sexy lingerie. Or send the kids off for the night and have sex in a different room than the bedroom. You don't have to go over the edge to add some spice to your sex life.

Dee: Good grief, Anne. You think using a dildo is going over the edge? I'd say maybe using a butt plug or strap on might be a little far for novices, but a dildo??

Okay, Ms. Scared of Fakes, why did your husband buy the dildo? I suspect it's because you have sex "fairly regularly" and it's "pretty good." Men might put up with pretty good sex, fairly regularly, but what they want is explosive sex, often. So embrace this hint by hubby that he's interested in a change. There's no need to be afraid--Mr. Dildo can be your friend. Here's what you do.

Did hubby buy a cleaner for the dildo? If so, follow directions to clean and dry it (if not, use a mild hand soap). (Don't get the battery compartment wet if it has one.) Is it a vibrator? Make sure it has batteries. Then… Prop pillows in the center of the bed. When you're ready, turn the lights down low--not out, because the whole purpose here is to watch you. Turn TV off!! Make sure the bedroom door is secured so kiddies don't wander in, and prop yourself on the pillows, preferably naked. Tell hubby to make himself comfortable. If there is lubricant, ask him to squirt a tiny bit on the tip of the dildo. Then gently rub it over your labia and clitoris. If there's vibration, turn it on low until you start to feel the effects--and believe me, you will! If you're embarrassed, close your eyes and take a deep breath. This is just you and the man you love--he's seen you before, right?

Before you know it. you'll be wet and anxious to insert the dildo into your pussy. If your puss-puss is hard to reach, ask hubby to help--he'll love it. Rub your breasts and pay attention to your nipples. Don't be surprised if he doesn't join in by this time. Ask him to lick your breasts or kiss your stomach. Tell him to rub his finger along the dildo and see how wet you are. Tell him you want him to fuck you--talk dirty. Most guys love it.

When you're "competed" (and you know what I mean), be sure to wash the dildo (being careful not to submerge it if it has batteries). The next day, order a pair of fur-lined handcuffs as a surprise for your husband. I see this as a whole new world of sexual exploration you'll find very rewarding if you stop being afraid.

* Graphics from my favorite sex toy shop, Adam and Eve