This Girl Wants SEX--In the Best Way or Worst

Q: My God! My girlfriend is demanding sex three and four times a day all of a sudden. I'm virile and my spirit is willing, but the flesh just can't take it. I can't study, I can't read or watch TV without her climbing on me and wanting my cock inside her. She even got her bush waxed! I asked her what she ate that made her like this—she used to be sweet and unassuming, giving me sex whenever I wanted it, but never initiating—and she got mad. Said if I couldn't give her what she needed, she'd find someone who could. I'm afraid to have the guys over to watch a ballgame for fear she might have a different "ball game" in mind. What the hell do I do??

Anne: Something has changed for this woman and I suggest you find out quickly what it is. She doesn't do drugs or anything, does she? Has she changed her friends? Taken a feminine empowerment class or something? You can't address the situation until you know the root cause, so look for that.

Dee: What the hell is wrong with you??? She has obviously discovered what you haven't pointed out to her yet: Women love sex, too. And not by being "sweet and unassuming," available at your beck and call. Someone has alerted her to her sexuality, and it wasn't you, Bud.

So. Your choices are what?

• You start taking vitamins and working out instead of sitting on your butt watching TV. That way maybe you'd be able to keep up with her.
• You call your friends over regularly and have sex with the girlfriend night. (Not recommended unless the two of you are into kinky stuff.)
• Make a trip to Adam and Eve.com and buy her some toys. That way she can satisfy herself. On those times you join in the fun, it will be even better for her. The remote control egg can bring a woman off in under a minute and it's always ready and willing. Or maybe try a nice rabbit that does the pussy and clit at the same time.
• Be imaginative, jerk, and find alternative ways to satisfy her when you're a little tired or have a headache. (Poor baby.) By that, I mean suck her off. Learn to be the world's greatest expert in cunnilingus, and she'll be yours forever.

There are a lot of guys out there who would love to have your problem, you know. A woman who wants to fuck all the time? A blessing, man, a blessing. And if you don't do something like what I've described above, one of them is going to end up with your girlfriend.

Tolerating Cheaters

Q: I am a high school senior. On our first math test I saw one of my best friends cheat off of the person sitting next to her. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose a friend, but what she did is wrong. On the other hand, is it so wrong? The person she cheated off of is really stupid, so she's bound to be worse off than if she'd just guessed. What should I do?

Anne: Whether or not the person off whom she cheated is worthy of being cheated off of isn't the question--it doesn't matter. I would find a way to ask your friend about the incident. Is there a chance you didn't see what you think? If she admits the cheating to you, it doesn't relieve you of responsibility. Your teacher needs to know.

Dee: At Virginia Military Institute, their honor code states that cheating, lying and stealing will not be tolerated and neither will people who themselves tolerate those things. This means that if you know your friend cheated and you do nothing, you're as much a problem as she is. You don't have to wave your arm in the air and shout, "Cheater!" but maybe there's a way you can alert your teacher to check the two papers. Send her a note if you don't want to talk to her in person, or talk to your parents and see if they will help. But once you let it go, it will always be there between you and your friend. Worse, she will be within her rights to say you're an accomplice.

Halloween Habit

Q: I like dressing up and going out, and Halloween is a big deal for me. Every year I try to outdo the previous year's costume. It just so happens that each year the fabric in my costume covers less and less of me. Actually, I like looking slutty now and then, and again, what better time than Halloween? My boyfriend of eight months (meaning he didn't know me last Halloween) says I look like I want to fuck all night, with whoever's available at the party. I say he's dressing like a pirate and looks hotter than Johnny Depp, so who's trying to attract attention? I think he'd be happy if I dressed as an Arab woman and wore a burkha. I can't convince him that the only guy I plan to screw Halloween night is him—and that light is dimming with each of his criticisms. What should I do, give in or be myself?

Anne: Be yourself, always. Once he sees you're not out to score with the guys at the party, he will understand.

Dee: Wear a burkha to make him happy and tell every guy you meet that you're not wearing anything under it. See if that makes him any happier. And who knows? Maybe someone will be willing to sneak under the robe and give you a little tickle. That would be fun...

Someone who wants to cheat will find a way to do it regardless of what they're wearing. Whether or not you later spend the night with him screwing like rabbits is up to you. Frankly, I might try finding someone willing to take you as you are—a once-a-year slut with good intentions.

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Seattle Quandary

Q: I found out my significant other is cheating on me. We've dated for three years, share a house and many interests. I recently received a promotion in my career which has meant more hours working, and now I find out he's screwing around with my secretary. I know this for a fact. The trouble is, I have loved the schmuck for years, I'm comfortable with him (except for his cheating), and have fun with him. I hate to lose what we have. I also hate to fire my secretary, who in all things (except sleeping with my "other") is superior. What I hate most is their lack of fidelity to their partner and boss.

Anne: Is there a question in there? Are you asking us if you should cut him loose or hang in there? I certainly can't answer that. I did notice that when you listed all the things about him you enjoy, you didn't mention that you love him. That seems a big consideration. If you let him go, would your heart feel ripped out? If so, sit him down and talk to him. If he's emotional cut the cord, it's probably too late no matter what you decide.

Dee: Look there are a zillion men who would be happy to share a house with a dedicated career woman and who have interest similar to yours. Aside from that, a great vibrator is pretty cheap and doesn't snore. However, a good secretary is hard to find. You do the math.

Wants a Divorce

Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?

Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.

Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.

The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.

Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.

Semper Fi Myself

Q: My fiancé is a Marine in the Middle East. I love him and he loves me but he always thinks I'm cheating on him. If I tell him I've gone out with friends, he asks if there were men there. If I don't mention going out, he thinks I'm hiding something from him. I don't know how to prove I'm faithful and in love with him. Any suggestions?

Anne: Is he like this when he's home? If so, I'd say you have a serious problem with your relationship. No couple can withstand constant jealousy or lack of trust. Send him a copy of this column. Let him see your frustration. All I can say is, keep reassuring him. Hopefully he will come to see your heart is his. I'm praying for his safety and speedy return.

Dee: It's easy to doubt something good in life when you're facing the worst every day. I have to ask, though, have you ever before given him reason to distrust you? 99.9% of military wives are true and live for their men to come home. It's that .1% every military man dreads, so if you've cheated before that might be reason enough for him to think you could cheat again. If you go out with friends to bars (where, sad to say, men might try to pick you up or, sadder to say, you might be the picker instead of the pickee), as opposed to church dinners, then he might worry, even if you've been purer than Caesar's wife in the past. Or it could be that he's just fearful you might cheat no matter what you have or haven't done before--in which case you two need to talk with someone and try to work things out before the wedding.

Semper fi!

Help! My Boyfriend Cheated With My BFF

Q: My friend Cathy just called. She couldn't wait to tell me all the details about my boyfriend Tom having sex with my BFF Heidi. This has evidently been going on for months. She heard it from Tiffany, the head cheerleader, so I know it's true. I'm so hurt and upset I don't know what to do. I'm not the most popular girl in class and I thought Tom loved me. Now I wish I'd had sex with him when he asked. What should I do?

Anne: No matter how bad this seems, you have done the right thing by not having sex with Tom. You see how little he values you because he cheated with your BFF. Forget about him, the pissant. Hold your head up high and move on. Tom and Heidi aren't worth your concern.

Dee: You need a new set of friends. First asshole Tom cheats, not with some girl you don't know but with a good friend. Then your supposed best friend has no qualms about sleeping with a boy she knows you're dating. Bitch. Next we have Tiffany. So, what is about a head cheerleader that makes her honest? Give me a break. I know one thing about her: she knew something hurtful to you--something that was juicy gossip--and she spread the word. She's no different from any fishwife in any town, always ready to repeat bad news. Last you say Cathy is a friend. She couldn't wait to pass on the news that Tom is cheating, but did she do it to help you or hurt you? Your wording suggests the latter.

So here's my advice. Screw Tom the Tom cat, and not in a way he'd enjoy. Kick drop Heidi back to the Alps, which is the only place someone named Heidi should live. Don't even try to be friends with heartless Tiffany or you'll regret it, and dump Cathy. She's not interested in your well-being just in titillating info. Aren't there any girls worth anything at your school? Seek them out and forget those other losers.

About to Pop the Question

Q: I can't believe I'm writing you two. It's not like I'm a romance novel fan or anything, but I know my girlfriend reads this blog so I thought I'd try to find out in a backhanded way if my suspicions are correct.

I have a ring burning a hole in my pocket that I planned to give to her this Christmas. Then while she and my mom and sister were out shopping yesterday I discovered when it rang that she left her cell phone at the house. I answered and a man's voice asked for her. He sounded very surprised to hear another man (me) on the other end. He said to let her know that Kenny's flight had been changed from Monday to Sunday, and that he couldn't wait to see her at the airport. When I asked for a number, he said she had it. I know she doesn't have brothers and I've never heard her mention a Kenny in the four years we've been dating. I have noticed in the last few months that she's cancelled dates every now and then--nothing major, nothing that made me suspect she was seeing someone else on the side. Now I'm not so sure. What do you think?

Anne: This isn't what I think it's what I know: ask her about this phone call now, immediately, without waiting another minute. Otherwise your suspicions will fester and there might be a logical explanation. If it's as bad as you think, better to find out now rather than after you ask her to marry you, or (yikes!) after you've said your vows.

Dee: Wake up and smell the fishsticks.

This is what I'd suggest. Before Sunday, take her out for a good dinner and then surprise her by going to a great hotel. Enjoy some wine and chocolate covered strawberries, then climb into a Jacuzzi. Last, carry her to bed and knock yourself out having the best sex the two of you have ever had. Give her one…two…three orgasms. Then ask her WTF this guy Kenny is doing calling her cell and sounding like a long lost bed buddy. If she has a good explanation (which, cynic that I am I tend not to think she will), then hooray. You've had a good time and a good laugh. If she admits to cheating, then she'll at least know what she'll be giving up. Unless...the sex isn't all that great between you two. In which case I agree with Anne: better to know now than later.

Old Dog Learning New Tricks?

Q: Maybe I just need to sound this out. I'm not even sure I have a problem, but let me tell you what happened a month or so ago. My husband of 20 years went to Texas for a week's conference for his work. When he returned, he seemed different. Not drastically, not in a huge way, but subtly. He wanted to shop for clothes the first weekend back and bought a cardigan sweater. I've known the man for most of my life and I've never seen him in a cardigan. He's made an appointment to get Lasik surgery, saying he was tired of wearing glasses. He started jogging again the day after he got home, after giving up the activity for the past five years. He's not distant but maybe a little preoccupied. He mentioned last night that he needs to return to Texas for client meetings in a month or so, though he doesn't normally handle that region. Should I be worried?

Anne: Gosh, that does sound strange. Why don't you suggest going with him if it's possible? If he makes all kinds of excuses, maybe you should worry a bit, but I hate for you to borrow trouble. As he spruces up, maybe you should also. Try jogging with him, pick up on healthful eating if he's looking to lose weight or take more than a normal interest in his business or hobby or whatever. But if things continue not to feel right, don't hesitate to ask him about his Texas trip and why he's different. Even if the news is bad it's better to know than to wonder.

Dee: Animals find out about each other by scent. Dogs stick their noses right in where the sun don't shine to discover who another dog is and where he's been. So don't be afraid to be a bitch (so to speak) and sniff, Honey. To me, you might well get the whiff of another dog hanging around. Men are dogs in some ways, and it's easy after many years of being with one woman to be flattered into the arms of another. Put a stop to it now before it goes too far. Unlike dogs, make sure your husband (and the little, yippy bitch nipping at his heels) knows that you are the one he'd better be humping--or you'll take his little doggie balls in your hand and squeeze. This is no time to be subtle.

Worried Trucker's Wife

Q: Dee and Anne, I know you were a long distance truck driver with your husband. My husband drives while I stay home with our two girls. I worry about him all the time, not just the danger in driving but the women who are all too eager to keep a lonely trucker company. Tell me honestly, do I have anything to worry about?

Anne: Unfortunately, there are women who frequent truck stops looking to make money. But they don't bother men who don't want to be bothered. Trust your man.

Dee: Puleeze! You can't just say "Trust your man," for Pete's sake. She needs to think about this.

Ms. Trucker, if the opportunity arose, would you feel easy in your heart leaving your hubby home alone for a week? If he worked in an office, would you wonder where he was if he worked late a few nights a week or believe in your heart he was where he said? If he was away on a business trip, would you check his pockets for any hints of infidelity? If you trust him in those situations, then you can trust him on the road alone. If you couldn't trust him in those other situations, then you can't trust him anywhere. The upshot is, if your man's given you good reason to distrust him, then fuck 'em--you can be sure some truck stop mama is.

And there are lots of opportunities to cheat if he has a mind for it. One night a hooker knocked on the truck door. Jack said, "Not tonight, my wife's with me." When she left I slapped him upside the head and demanded, "What do you mean not tonight??" He told me that once the hookers know a woman's in the truck they spread the word. Sure enough, no one knocked the rest of the night. Of course, there was the one who said, "That's okay. She can join in." What a book I could have written back then!