Remembering...

You all know Anne and I come from a military family, and so does Jack. Please join us in remembering those who have fallen or have been injured in protecting our great country. Please also keep their families in your prayers--they serve, too!

See you next week.

Bed At 8, Sex Never

Q: This sounds sill, I know, but I have a problem. My wife gets up early to go t work, so she goes to bed at 8:00 PM or sometimes earlier. I can't go to sleep that early, so I go around 11:00 or sometimes midnight. She complains the next day if I wake her up for sex when I go to bed. She doesn't want to wake me up at 3:00 AM when she gets up because she says sex makes her sleepy and she would want to roll over and go to sleep again. How can we resolve this?

Anne: Can't you go and have sex (when the two of you are interested) when she goes to bed? Then you can get up again.

Dee: For God's sake, she doesn't care if you sleep, just that you fuck her when she goes to bed once in awhile. Make it a cuddle time every night until she falls asleep. What—you got something better to do? Or TV to watch? That's why God invented DVRs and TIVO. Now, go have sex with your wife and stop screwing around.

Wifely Education

Q: My wife is in college—again. This is the third time she's attempted to get an undergraduate degree. The first two times she didn't get beyond the second semester of the second year. That's about when she burns out, decides she doesn't want to do what she's in school for, and drops out. Within a few years, she's back at it. This is her third attempt and her third major area of study. She isn't working to help pay for this crap and I'm having to support the household and take care of two kids because she's "studying." That also means there's no time for sex. I'm sick of this, but don't know what to do about it.

Anne: It's admirable for someone to want to go back to school, but I think she needs some guidance. Have her see her school counselor and take an aptitude test of some sort. That might direct her to specific course of study where she is really passionate and can succeed. Once she does succeed, you may find you were happy she went back for her degree. College graduates make more money than non-graduates, so she'll be better able to contribute to the household finances.

Dee: She must have had time to do something besides school—you knocked her up twice at least. So unless you plan to keep her barefoot and pregnant in an effort to keep her out of college, it sounds as though the two of you should sit down and form a plan. If she's too scattered in what she likes to develop a plan for success in school, help her do it. Obviously she wants a degree or she wouldn't keep at it. So help her find a way to do it right. It sounds as though you're giving her support. Maybe grudgingly, but you're giving it. Make sure the support you give pays off. Be a man and not such a whiner. Help your wife be all she can be, and maybe she'll help you by getting on her knees once in awhile in gratitude.

Choosing Children in Cinnci

Q: I've been engaged for four years to a fabulous woman. The trouble is, she doesn't want kids. I kept thinking she would come around, but after two years of dating and four years of planning to marry, she hasn't. We're both in our late twenties and have great, professional jobs. Money isn't a problem, security isn't an issue. We have wonderful families with great role models. I love this woman. What should I do?

Anne: If this is a deal breaker, you have little choice. Either you give up your dream of a family, marry her anyway and hope the biological clock kicks in, or you give up the girl and start looking for someone who does want a family. Only you can decide how important it is for you to have children, and only you can decide what to do about it.

Dee: You are adults and you've been engaged for four years?? Holy shit. I sure hope you've been having sex during all this time. Which brings up another question. Your fiancée does know how babies are made, right? She knows how much fun it is and all? If not, you're not doing your job very well. Screw her silly several times a week and who knows? Fate might turn in your direction. Remember, the only truly 100% reliable birth control is an aspirin—held tightly between the knees. With any other method, it's a crap shoot. The more you fuck, the more the odds are in your favor. It's also good for weight control…

Happy Thanksgiving

Anne and I hope each of you is enjoying a wonderful, safe, blessed holiday with your family, friends and other loved ones--as we are. See you right back here next week.

Thanksgiving Traditions

Q: My husband insists that I make Thanksgiving dinner exactly as his mother always did when he was growing up. That means only turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, that Campbell's green bean casserole, rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert. For twenty-two years I've humored him because we always hosted the family holidays and it seemed so damn important. But this year we are by ourselves. I don't see the need of preparing all that food for just the two of us. Plus, for all of those years, he played host while I managed all the kitchen chores—preparation, cooking and roasting and baking, and clean-up, with help from the other women in the family. I have been looking forward to the years when I could enjoy the holidays as much as he always seems to, and this is it. However, again he's insisting that we have the full-court meal. We can freeze leftovers, he says, and besides, it's "tradition." I'd like to tradition him. How can I convince him I can be very thankful not to have to prepare the meal this year?

Anne: Give him this letter you just sent us. Maybe it will open his eyes. Out of curiosity, what are the rest of the family doing this year? Maybe you can join them?

Dee: Thanksgiving is about more than the fucking turkey. Tell him he can all he wants of whatever traditional meal by taking you to Picadilly Cafeteria (or restaurant of your choice). Then you'll both enjoy the dinner.

NOT Brotherly Love

Q: I'm so embarrassed I can't believe I'm even writing you. My problem is, my brother—who is three years older than I am and a senior in high school—has been having sex with me. It started a couple of years ago when he accidentally walked in on me when I was showering. Shortly after, he found ways to brush against me. When we were home alone he would corner me and kiss me, and then touch me, until one night when my parents were out at a party, he sneaked into my room and actually had sex with me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit him and make him go away, I wanted to throw up, but instead I froze. It was my first time and I cried a lot for days, so much that my mom said I looked awful and wanted to take me to the doctor. Privately my brother said if I turned him in he'd make me sorry—and since I didn't scream or fight him, no one would believe I wasn't willing. From somewhere he found birth control pills and had me take them. After that, he took me whenever and wherever he could. The worst thing is, I have orgasms, so part of me must like what he does. I feel dirty and used. I want to kill myself. What can I do?


Anne: Immediately get help. Tell your parents, talk to a school nurse or your minister or counselor. DO NOT WAIT! Forget the embarrassment. What happened is not your fault—in fact most sexual abuse is done by someone the abused person knows. You won't be the first girl to have to tell on your brother. He played on your fears to have his way.


I am serious—find someone to talk to right away. Dee and I are not qualified in this kind of situation to recommend more than that.


Dee: Your brother raped you, nothing less. He could (and should) go to jail for what he's doing, especially since you were a child when he started and you’re still underage. You must tell someone what's been happening. Do not waste any time doing so.


If you can't bring yourself to talk to someone you know, there are online organizations that could help: http://www.stopitnow.org/ or http://www.protect.org/home. But it would be best if your parents knew or a teacher or someone locally who could remove you from your situation. Please write back and let us know that you found help.

Thanksgiving Embarrassment

Q: I live with my boyfriend, which my parents don't know. He wants us to invite both of our families to the house for Thanksgiving. I would rather not since I don't want to advertise the fact that we're cohabitating. What should I do?

Anne: Tell your boyfriend you're uncomfortable—not embarrassed (unless that's true? In which case I'd advise moving to your own place), but unwilling to rub it in your parents' faces that you are living with someone you're not married to. Then plan to go home.

Dee: How about his parents? Would you feel differently if it was just his parents coming to dinner and not yours? If so, you should re-evaluate why you've decided to live in a situation that obviously embarrasses you. If I'm wrong and you are not embarrassed, you need to explain your living conditions to your parents before inviting them to the house. However, your note makes me thing of the old adage: Don't do the time if you can't do the time. Change it to: If you fuck and then you blush, to playing house you should not rush. Take a long, hard look at your feelings about living with the boyfriend before you imagine how your folks will feel.

Child Abuse Without Using the Strap

Q: My mom hates me. I'm not just saying that, she really does. She's told me many times that I was a horrible mistake and how much she lost and gave up because she got pregnant with me. She never praises me for anything I do. I'm a sophomore in high school. I have very good grades and am a valued member of clubs and community organizations. I cook dinner every night and keep the house clean so when she comes home from work she has nothing to do. Still, all she ever does is run me into the ground and say how useless I am. In front of others she's sweetness and light about me, but in private it's just the opposite. I don't know how much longer I can take this. What should I do?


Anne: This is a tragic situation. You don't mention a father or other family members,. so I assume you and your mom are alone in the house. Is there an aunt or family friend you might be able to talk to? If not, I suggest speaking with a counselor at school (who should keep your conversations private) or maybe a minister. You need a responsible adult to whom you can talk frankly. Don't bottle your feelings. You have three years left before you can realistically leave the house, so find help with someone you trust. You might be able to find a solution that allows you to blossom despite your mother.


Dee: It sounds as though your mother is a shit, and Anne is right. This is child abuse and needs to stop right away. You need to find an adult who has your best interests are heart who can help you escape her abuse. That could be a doctor, a school counselor or nurse, a minister or even someone who heads one of the organizations you belong to. Most of those people can at least listen and offer suggestions as to a next step. Good luck.

Stripping for College Bucks

Q: I come from a very religious family. I mean, church twice on Sunday, choir practice and a Bible lessons during the week. I didn't have an unhappy childhood,. but I guess I always knew that life wasn't for me. Now I'm twenty and trying to make the money I need to complete my degree. I was offered the chance to strip in a local club. The money is really good and I only have to work three nights a week. I've been to the club and felt an immediate bond with the women who worked there. I know I could do this, but I'm afraid if my family found out they would disown me. What should I do?

Anne: If it's not illegal or immoral, you have to follow your heart. The question is, do you believe stripping to be immoral? Your family will, from what you've said. If you can face their dismay and believe in yourself enough to withstand their criticism, then you should be all right. Just remember, money aside, you need to be able to face yourself in the mirror each day.

Dee: You're twenty years old and (it sounds) paying for your own education. The decision of how you live your life is up to you. You'll be faced with other decisions in life that will bring their criticism even if you don't strip. If you find the place is safe and that they don't expect you to fuck the customers (or owners), I say go for it. It's not like once you start you can't leave if you discover it's not what you think now. Give it a shot if you want, and let your family decide whether or not they love you, regardless of what you do.

Jealous in Jefferson City

Q: I hate my brother, Mike. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everything he does he's so good at. Everything I do I flop. My parents are always bragging about him—he has the best grades, he dates the most wonderful girls, drives the fanciest car and has the greatest job in the world (he's a lawyer). I had so-so grades, went through a Goth stage where the girls I dated wore black everything. Now I guess I still lean toward the edgy rather than sweet and sunny…like Mike. My job is okay (I work in a local factory). I make decent money and support myself. I'm just sick and tired of hearing how great Mike is, I don't want to hurt my parents' feelings. how can I deal with this?

Anne: Well first, you didn't tell us how Mike handles all this adoration. Is he snooty, full of himself and generally obnoxious? Or does he take everything well. Do the two of you get along when you're by yourselves? If that's the case, maybe you could talk to him about how it makes you feel when your parents go on and on about him. If he's loving it, though, and hard to bear even alone, maybe you either have to tell your parents how you feel in such a way that won't hurt their feelings. You might find your parents don't even realize they're praising your brother so much. If you can't do that, you'll have to learn to deal with it. Hating your brother isn't the answer, though. In the end, that only hurts you.

Dee: I can answer this question from experience because all I ever heard growing up was how wonderful Anne was.

Anne: What???

Dee: Yes. Mom and Dad bragged about you like you were a saint.

Anne: Did not.

Dee: Did too. But did I ever hate you? Well, maybe a little, between the ages of 4 and 16, but I eventually learned to get over it. And so must you, Writer. Hating your brother or sister—

Anne: Oh, for pity's sake, I don't believe this.

Dee: —doesn't bother them at all because they usually don't know you're hating them. Even when you throw their favorite doll into the toilet or tell their blind date that she can't go out because of a sudden flare up of herpes.

Anne: I'm going to kill you…

Dee: So the best medicine is to go with the flow. If your parents say something nice about Mikey, just agree with them. If he gets a new car, tell him it's great. It isn't going to kill you, but that bitter jealousy will.

Make sure when you do good things you let people know, too. Don't expect everyone to be mind-readers. Blow your own horn or no one will. I truly believe that once you let go of your negative feelings, you'll find things aren't as bad as you thought—and you will feel better yourself.

If not, well fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

A Very Worried Sister

Q: I have reason to believe my brother-in-law is planning to harm my sister. I don't have proof, just a suspicion. What should I do?

Anne: Good heavens! How sure are you? Enough to go to authorities, warn your sister, take action if there are children involved? Or do you have a good enough imagination that you're stretching the facts? If you think there is real, imminent danger, talk to your sister—or brother-in-law. But if you're not sure there's really something imminent, remember that words can't be taken back and you will be affecting family dynamics forever.

Dee: First off, stop watching the Investigation Discovery network. Next, make damn sure you have your facts straight. You don't want to be the sister who says, "I knew something was wrong and I should have said something," but you also don't want to be the one who isn't included at Christmas because no one is speaking to you.

Overweight Sister

Q: My sister is fat. I mean F-A-T. Over 250 pounds and she's not that tall. I've told her for years that she needs t lose weight, but she says I'm picking on her because I'm her big brother and should leave her alone. She's 28 and still not married. I know her weight is the reason. How can I make her see how unattractive she makes herself?

Anne: Here's an idea, why don't you leave her alone? If you had said that she was miserable with her state or you worried about her health, I might have some sympathy for your view. But she's 28 and not married?? I think you might be picking on her because you're her big brother. Lay off.

Dee: Who died and made you God? If it comes to appearances, unzip and drop trou, Mister. Let's see how you compare in the looks department. Someone as annoying as you seem to be from this one letter won't measure up, I'm sure.

What's a Little Erotic Romance between Friends?

Q: I write erotic romance (competition for you, Dee!). You would know my name if I shared it, and I have developed quite a loyal fan group. The problem I have is that none of my friends or relatives appreciate what I write. They call it porn and won't "soil their minds."

That they don't buy my books isn't the problem—fortunately, plenty of other people do. It's that they denigrate the value of my work. They say I'm not a "real" writer because I don't write the same thing Hemingway or Faulkner did. I don't write "literature." So how can I convince them that I am not only a good writer, I am as accomplished as many people they admire—just in a different genre?

Anne: Maybe they don't like the subject matter, but can't they appreciate your voice, style and wording? If not, then I don't see how you can convince them. You can't change what someone sees if they refuse to look.

Dee: Are you a) competition or b) a sister writer, making her mark alongside mine? You'd better pick b or we're going to have a pissing contest on sales.

This is one of the few times I agree wholeheartedly with sis. If they refuse to see what's in front of them, screw 'em and keep on writing!

And one other thing, erotic romance isn't porn, but what's wrong with porn?

Pure Happiness

Q: My mother wants me to go on birth control pills. I'm fifteen and have not had sex. In addition, I have signed a chastity pact stating I won't have sex until I get married. I am a straight A student and haven't given my mother cause to worry. She thinks because she got pregnant before she finished high school that I will, too. How can I get her to trust me?

Sign me Happy to Be a Virgin

Anne: Wow. After all that she doesn't believe you won't have sex? If getting good grades, stating your intentions and not getting into trouble isn't enough, I'm not sure what is. Have your doctor talk to her and explain the disadvantages to taking the pill, especially if there's no need. Keep on getting on! You're a good example and an inspiration to other girls.

Maybe Dee can help you more since she did everything you aren't. Sister, dear!

Dee: I hardly know what to say, Virgin. It seems to me your mom should be ecstatic to have the only 15-year old virgin in the country. AND you make good grades, AND you signed a chastity pledge. Anne, you aren't trying to trick me, are you?

Okay, here's the deal. Pharmaceuticals are very valuable things—when they are needed. Your mom obviously wants you to have advantages she didn't have, but if you don't need the pill, you shouldn't be taking it. Maybe if you tell her that you promise—and this has to be a sworn, sacred vow—that if you do plan to engage in sex that you will then go to the doc and get the pill, maybe she'll give you a break.

The trouble is—and your mom knows this much better than you—sex happens even when it isn't planned. So do pregnancies. And no well-intentioned celibacy pacts will protect you from getting in the family way once you unintentionally cross that line in the back seat of Johnny's Ford Camaro (or whatever). Hope you're happy then.

Nearly 60 and Loving It

Q: I am a woman nearly 60-years old and quite well off. I have become attracted to a man in his early 20s. In fact, he's finishing college this spring. He's bright and intelligent and young, and he makes me feel young again. He escorts me to opera, ballet and art gallery openings, but truth be told I'd want to be with him for the sex alone. It's better than anything I've ever known—intense, emotional and frequent. He's taught me about anal sex (which I've never been brave enough to try) and things like pocket rockets and ben wa balls. Sex with him is like a whole, forbiiden world I've loved exploring. The problem is my friends, family and his friends and family. On his side, everyone thinks he's doing something awful spending his time with an old woman. On my side, everyone thinks he's after my money and just wants to live off me. They are making life difficult for us. I'm in this for the ride and have no illusions that he loves me. I give him gifts because I like to and I can. Is there anything wrong with that?

Anne: It could be said that you are leading him down a bad path, encouraging him to rely on a woman for his livelihood. However, if both of you accept the rules of the game you've started, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. I would advise you not to sign anything.

Dee: Good golly. You're almost 60 and you snapped up a young 20 something guy?? How the hell did you do that? Conversation, escort duties and all the fucking you can handle (or maybe more, dare I hope?). Life has treated you well woman! Tell those screwball friends and family that they're just jealous and if they can't get with the program, to buzz off. Take life by the horns! You can't make your friends happy and they shouldn't have the power to fuck up your happiness.

Fathers-in-Law and Husbands

Q: I have a model man for a father-in-law—literally. He was a fashion model for years and now runs his own agency. He's handsome as sin, intelligent, successful, wealthy, fun—the list goes on and on. As a corporate attorney, I have more in common with him than I do my husband's profession. I love my husband of two years, Hank, but unfortunately, he takes more after his mother than his father. His job is very low key (claims adjustor) and he lacks much ambition beyond doing 9-to-5 and then finding the nearest sports bar where he and his old high school buddies can watch a ball game. His mother and father have been estranged, so I only met Hank's dad a couple of months ago.

The problem is, he's coming on to me. He's always finding some way to touch me; he brushes by so as to rub against my breasts. If we're in a gathering, he leans in to talk intimately. He's taken me to lunch a couple of times when he was downtown and we had a pleasant time of it. He's made a few offhand remarks about how disappointing Hank was to him growing up because he isn't a go-getter, and I wonder if his flirting with me is a way to show up Hank. On the other hand, I find myself attracted to him. What if I'm imagining his flirtations because I secretly want it to be true. No one but me seems to notice. What should I do?

Anne: You sound confused. The first thing you need to figure out is if you are attracted to your father-in-law, and if so, why. Are you unhappy in your marriage? If you are, were you unhappy before your FIL entered the picture? These are your issues, and you need to get them straight. If you come to the conclusion that what's happening is not your imagination, then you need to lay down the law with your FIL immediately. If not and things progress, it could damage your marriage to the point of no return.

Dee: True, you need to figure out if your husband is still the man of your dreams—if he ever was. Between the lines, I read that you are dissatisfied with your marriage. The way you describe Hank, his job, his activities, etc. all point to the fact that he isn't the man you envisioned. He must be great in the sack, or else why would you even have been attracted to him, ever? In this case, you should tell him you're unhappy and see if there's a way you two can fix things. If you can't, get out of the marriage and find someone with whom you feel more compatible—maybe FIL.

BUT (and you can see this is a big but), do not under any circumstances sleep with or encourage FIL to start a relationship before you extricate yourself from Hank. If you fuck around with daddy and then stay with Hank, there will be trouble. Count on it. And you'll likely end up out on your successful, attorney butt all by yourself.

If you get out of the marriage and daddy is still hanging around, panting to get his dick inside you, do the dirty and see if he's any good. The kinky factor alone should have you shooting off like a firecracker in no time.

Giving Thanks Without the Family

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. He's funny. smart and successful. All my friends tell me how cute he is and the sex is great. The thing is, three years of dating for an adult is a long time. He's not only never talked about marriage or any serious commitment. he's never even taken me home to meet his family. Not for anything—birthdays, weddings, holidays, nothing. We meet up with his friends and mine to do things but don't you think it's strange that he wouldn't invite me to anything where his family is involved? They live less than 40 miles away, and even if his parents come into town for dinner or his brother comes for a ballgame, it's always without me. Do you think that means anything? The latest "miss" was last week. He went to his folks' for Thanksgiving and I stayed here in town for the holiday alone.

Anne: It definitely sounds as though he's not ready for a commitment. You have to make up your mind if going along as you are is a deal breaker or not. If you're ready to settle down and want much more, you need to tell him straight out and see what he says. If he still indicates he's not ready, maybe you need to free yourself to look for someone who is.

Dee: You can stick a fork in him, but he's not ready. Stop screwing this turkey and find someone new to gobble.

Thankful Thursday

Hello, all,

Anne here. Dee and I are taking the week off to give thanks. I'm thankful that we have wonderful family and friends, though they're far away. Dee says she's especially grateful for long lasting batteries and something called the Clitinator. (What in the world…?)

Anyway, we're both thankful for the love of a good man, that we live in a great country and that we have great, fine, wonderful men and women of the military who are willing to sacrifice in order to protect us. There will never be thanks enough for them and their families.

And we're very grateful for all of you, our readers and our books. Thank you!

We hope your holiday is safe and blessed.
Anne (and Dee)

Desperate Denver Dan

Q: How can I convince my wife to have sex when her family is visiting? This year has been hell. I'm working and my wife is, too. Unfortunately, a good number of her family is not, and they've all been staying with us. First one brother, then another brother with his wife and kid, her sister with her two kids and then her mom decided to come for two weeks. Now the first brother is lai off and back again. We have a small house and my wife has refused to have sex unless we happen to be home and all of them are out—which has happened twice in three months. I'm about to die—or kill someone. Which should I do to get back to normal relations?

Anne: You poor guy! But what a nice guy, too, to help your wife's family. I think (if financially possible) you should pay everyone to go out to dinner or a movie once a week. Or maybe you and your wife could afford a motel room now and then? You're stuck between helping family and helping yourself. Just remember that this bad economy won't last forever.

Dee: I understand it's difficult to explain to a brother that you want some time alone to hump his sister, but you are married. It's not like you're asking him to give you time alone to fuck his teenage sister in the bed of a 1985 Ford at the end of a farm lane in Virginia Beach. Not that anyone I know ever did that… Anyway, if you can't talk to her family and convince them to leave you alone, then you have to do something else. Go somewhere. "Get a room," or even use the bed of an old Ford pickup. Be imaginative or your marriage will end before the recession.

In the meantime, have you suggested she give you a little relief? A BJ might be nice to take the edge off, or even a hand job. Don't be shy.