Wants a Divorce

Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?

Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.

Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.

The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.

Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.