Nagging Mom in Nashville

Q: I love my mother but she's driving me crazy. I'm 38 and still living with Mark, my fiancé of seven years. My mother can't understand why we're not already married and she keeps reminding me of my ticking biological clock. My brother is a priest, so no grandchildren from him, and the pressure is all on me. Because she thinks my fiancé is preventing the wedding from going forward (she's been window shopping for dresses and planning the reception for years now), and with each year she likes him less and less. She thinks he's taking advantage of me and will never marry me. I admit, I want to marry Mark, and I wonder why he's holding back so long, too, but I trust him and I know he has his reasons. I do want children--or I did, badly. Now I don't see it happening. What can I do about my mom? I love her but her animosity toward Mark is getting bad, and her nagging me is making me want to scream.

Anne: Until the end of your question, I thought maybe you would say that you were the party holding up the wedding plans, but that's not the case, I guess. Your mother is probably wondering if he has some reason not to want to get married, like is he hiding a wife somewhere, is he really lukewarm toward you instead of passionately in love? If you have lived happily together for seven years, you've lasted longer than a lot of marriages, so if you two are still in love, why not take the next step? Don't take this the wrong way, but at your ages, this does seem strange. Talk to Mark—or get someone (maybe your brother?) to talk to him--and get to the bottom of things. As far as your mom, tell her you appreciate her concerns but lay off. If you love Mark, she needs to accept him. If she can't do that, real trouble lies ahead. And she has to respect your decisions as an adult.

Dee: Look, if you are happy with the situation as it is now, just tell your mom that you don't care if you ever get married and to give it up. If you aren't happy with the way things are, tell Mark to set his butt down and have a come-to-Jesus-meeting. You've been with the man for seven damn years. You're an adult, not a child, which would necessitate a long dating period. Enough is enough. You've given this man a lot of time for an "engagement." Ask him if he's ready to commit and if not, why not. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, tell him to fuck off. But! Make sure you're ready to accept his answer and make the change.

The biggest thing here is to know what you want, then take steps to make it happen.