Choosing Children in Cinnci

Q: I've been engaged for four years to a fabulous woman. The trouble is, she doesn't want kids. I kept thinking she would come around, but after two years of dating and four years of planning to marry, she hasn't. We're both in our late twenties and have great, professional jobs. Money isn't a problem, security isn't an issue. We have wonderful families with great role models. I love this woman. What should I do?

Anne: If this is a deal breaker, you have little choice. Either you give up your dream of a family, marry her anyway and hope the biological clock kicks in, or you give up the girl and start looking for someone who does want a family. Only you can decide how important it is for you to have children, and only you can decide what to do about it.

Dee: You are adults and you've been engaged for four years?? Holy shit. I sure hope you've been having sex during all this time. Which brings up another question. Your fiancée does know how babies are made, right? She knows how much fun it is and all? If not, you're not doing your job very well. Screw her silly several times a week and who knows? Fate might turn in your direction. Remember, the only truly 100% reliable birth control is an aspirin—held tightly between the knees. With any other method, it's a crap shoot. The more you fuck, the more the odds are in your favor. It's also good for weight control…

I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding

Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.

Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.

BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.

Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?

Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?

Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.

Wedding Bell (Dress) Blues

Q: I'm getting married in three weeks. Please tell me how to avoid murdering my future mother-in-law. She's a wonderful person. I'm sure someday—in a few years, maybe—we will love each other as dear friends. But not as long as she is driving me crazy over how to arrange the wedding. My mom isn't able to be here until just before the big event, so I appreciate future mom's input and help. I do. But I want something small and intimate and she sees something much grander. We don't have much time before my soon-to-be husband ships out overseas. I hate to spend it in turmoil. I'm afraid I'll soon end up saying something I'll regret. Help!

Anne: The fact of the matter is, weddings are emotional events--for the future MIL as well as for you. Emotions always make things harder to deal with. This is a job for your future husband. Have him tell his mother what the two of you want. At the very least he needs to be by your side supporting you or you and your future MIL will start off on the wrong foot.

Dee: What she said. Especially since in a short while he is going to be gone leaving you to deal with his mom. You don't want her to be a Dragon Lady—or to see you as one.

Now if your husband doesn't care about the wedding—he just wants to get you in the sack so he can screw your brains out before he departs, well, maybe that's a good compromise. If it comes down to being in total stress over whether you have a sit down dinner or a snack bar, it's not worth it. The whole point to a wedding is legal screwing. Get to that part with as little stress as possible. After all, when it comes down to it, relationships are important, not standing on ceremony.

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Nagging Mom in Nashville

Q: I love my mother but she's driving me crazy. I'm 38 and still living with Mark, my fiancé of seven years. My mother can't understand why we're not already married and she keeps reminding me of my ticking biological clock. My brother is a priest, so no grandchildren from him, and the pressure is all on me. Because she thinks my fiancé is preventing the wedding from going forward (she's been window shopping for dresses and planning the reception for years now), and with each year she likes him less and less. She thinks he's taking advantage of me and will never marry me. I admit, I want to marry Mark, and I wonder why he's holding back so long, too, but I trust him and I know he has his reasons. I do want children--or I did, badly. Now I don't see it happening. What can I do about my mom? I love her but her animosity toward Mark is getting bad, and her nagging me is making me want to scream.

Anne: Until the end of your question, I thought maybe you would say that you were the party holding up the wedding plans, but that's not the case, I guess. Your mother is probably wondering if he has some reason not to want to get married, like is he hiding a wife somewhere, is he really lukewarm toward you instead of passionately in love? If you have lived happily together for seven years, you've lasted longer than a lot of marriages, so if you two are still in love, why not take the next step? Don't take this the wrong way, but at your ages, this does seem strange. Talk to Mark—or get someone (maybe your brother?) to talk to him--and get to the bottom of things. As far as your mom, tell her you appreciate her concerns but lay off. If you love Mark, she needs to accept him. If she can't do that, real trouble lies ahead. And she has to respect your decisions as an adult.

Dee: Look, if you are happy with the situation as it is now, just tell your mom that you don't care if you ever get married and to give it up. If you aren't happy with the way things are, tell Mark to set his butt down and have a come-to-Jesus-meeting. You've been with the man for seven damn years. You're an adult, not a child, which would necessitate a long dating period. Enough is enough. You've given this man a lot of time for an "engagement." Ask him if he's ready to commit and if not, why not. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, tell him to fuck off. But! Make sure you're ready to accept his answer and make the change.

The biggest thing here is to know what you want, then take steps to make it happen.

Bridesmaid Blues

Q: Anne and Dee, I am 35 and once again being asked to be a bridesmaid. A friend I had in high school and with whom I've had only a brief acquaintance since, has asked me to attend her in her wedding. This is her second. I've yet to have one. If I had had one, I don't think I would have thought to ask this woman to be my bridesmaid--we just haven't been that close in the past few years. However, I'm still of the opinion that bridesmaids have the best shot at meeting men at weddings, so I'm considering her offer. What's the cost of one more hideous dress if there's the chance of meeting a single guy--especially one willing to go to a wedding?

Anne: Go easy on yourself. You're a mature woman who wants a meaningful relationship with a mature man. There's nothing at all wrong with that. However, why go to weddings to meet men, especially a wedding for a person to whom you don't feel any real connection? Develop hobbies where you might meet men, join church or social clubs. Get a dog and walk it to strike up conversations with men--it sounds cheesy but evidently works. Be open and friendly and patient. Princes are still out there, and they're not all hanging out at weddings.

Dee: I detect the whiff of desperation, and if I do from a note, your dates do across the table. Relax. Take a deep breath. There's nothing magical about the age of 35 that means the world has curled up in the hand basket rolling its way to Hell. Stand straight, woman. Hold up your head and show a little confidence in yourself. Nothing intrigues a man more than a woman who shows some spine. Remind yourself that not all men acting single at a wedding are single…or straight. There are better ways and places to meet men. Try acting less like you need or want a man. Perhaps then one will be willing to take the leap.

Or…go to the wedding and screw the night away if you find someone interesting. No need to waste an opportunity where there will be flowing booze and guys seeking a chance to get laid. Who knows what might come from a little casual sex?

My Son is Getting Married--Maybe

Q: My son is getting married in October. I like his bride all right except she's very opinionated, especially about the wedding. Her parents are overseas and won't be here until a few days before the wedding and both my son and his fiancée work full-time so I volunteered to help her plan everything. The trouble is she's so particular and doesn't appreciate my offer much. I know the city and the venues, and I have a very good sense of style. The girl won't listen to reason, though. I'm afraid this is going to cause trouble between her and my son before they even walk down the aisle. What should I do?

Anne: So are you saying your son agrees with you and not with his intended? I'm sure your sense of style is just wonderful, but are you sure you're being fair? This is her wedding, after all. I'd advise you to make a list of how you think things should be done and compare it to your future daughter in law's list. See where there is agreement. That will show where you need to come to a consensus. But no arguing! This should be a happy time.

Dee: I'm sure you're not trying to be a bitch. Or maybe you are--I'm not one to judge. I have one piece of advice for you. Repeat this mantra: This is not my wedding. This is not my wedding.

The way I see it, unless you are paying for the whole shabang--in which case you do have the right for input if costs are skyrocketing--your job is to give advice when asked. Key words: when asked. If the wedding turns out ugly, a complete mess or nothing the way you envision, know what? You don't have to look at the pictures years from now. Be more concerned with your son's and his new wife's happiness and less about controlling their beginning.