Hubba-hubba Husband

Q: My husband wants to learn to strip. My husband!!! He says there's a good amount of money to be made fr male strippers, not only at clubs (yes, there's a male strip club nearby), but for parties and such. He's good looking and stays in shape, He's been out of work for the past eleven months, so I hate to say no, but I don't want him to do it. What can I say to convince him?

Anne: Help him find something else. Scour the papers and craigslist and any other outlet for work you can find. I have to believe there's something around other than taking his clothes off. Maybe you'll have to move somewhere for work? Would you be willing?

Dee: Yes, he would be taking off his clothes in front of drinking, sex-starved women. And yes, they would be ogling him with lust in their hearts and minds. Sure, they will be trying to stick their hands down his shorts in an effort to leave a puny dollar bill, and okay, a few might wait for him out back and want to fuck a little. But where's the harm?? Give the guy a break. It takes a lot of courage to get up in front of a howling crowd and show his package. He's willing to do it for his family. What are you willing to let him do?

Really. Examine your heart. If he should take this job, will you leave him? Fight with him every night? Make his (and your own) life miserable? If you trust him not to sow his seed with every backstage groupie, then I say let him try it. If you don't trust him, that's a different problem than what you wrote about.

I'm Dreaming of a White Wedding

Q: I went shopping for my wedding gown yesterday. This is my third wedding and my best friend tells me that I shouldn't wear white. I want to, but now she's made me feel self-conscious. I think she's just jealous because I've already been married twice and she hasn't been married at all. What do you say? It's my wedding and I should be able to do what I want.

Anne: I think you answered your own question in that last line—it's your wedding. Ultimately, if people think a white gown is strange, it was still what you wanted. To tell the truth, I wonder how many people care these days about who wears white at weddings. With the exception of your friend, of course.

BTW, I think your comment about her being jealous is a little snarky. She's your friend, right? Maybe she's just trying to save you from gossip.

Dee: Jeez, I want to meet you, woman. Still a virgin after two marriages!! That must be a record. Does Guinness know about you?

Anne may be right that no one cares anymore, but good Lord. You've had two bites of the apple, Eve. Wearing white is a little in your past isn't it? White gowns are supposed to represent virginity, you know? You could maybe get by with white for the second wedding, but the third?

Give it a rest. Choose a pretty dress in a pastel. The groom really only wants to get you out of the dress, so he doesn't care about style or color. Why should you? Save some money and talk behind your back--don't wear white.

When Is a Dress Just a Dress?

Q: I have a zillion dresses and skirts and slacks and gads of other stuff in my closet. I know it's too much but I can't seem to get rid of any of it. And I keep buying. What can I do?

Anne: Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist. You need help to control your spending and hoarding habit.

Dee: Your problem is obvious, and so is the solution. You buy clothes as a replacement for sex. Buying slacks to cover your legs is easier to you than finding a man to fit between your legs. You hold onto the clothes because they represent being fucked—which is what you really want. You buy a dress; you wish you had a man with a stiff dick. You buy a new purse; you wish you were being banged against the bedroom wall. You open your closet and see dresses by the dozens; you wish each one was really a memory of a mind-shifting orgasm brought on by a lover's tongue.

Forget buying a new tee shirt. Go buy a box of extra large Trojans and find someone who fits them. After you've been laid, you won't feel the need to buy anything—except maybe sexy lingerie and fuck me heels.