A Better Use for Tongues

Sorry for the delay in posting this. I have been without Internet due to a server crash at Time Warner. What fun!

Q: Yesterday we had a fire drill at work. A co-worker made a joke when we gathered at the far end of the parking lot that he would just let the flames get him next time rather than tromp down three flights of steps and walk so far. Lots of people laughed but I gave him a sharp tongue-lashing. My parents died in a fire when I was a child, and it's nothing to make fun of. Now some people think I'm the rude one. What did I do wrong??

Anne: Sometimes people say things that are in poor taste but they don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. Did this person know you had suffered such a tragedy? I'll bet not. Maybe you should have said something quietly to him instead of in front of others. In fact, maybe you can apologize in just that way now. Once he knows your circumstances I'm sure he will apologize right back for making a crude joke.

Dee: Not to minimize your loss, but fuck a duck, lady. How in hell was the guy supposed to know that your parents died in a fire?? Think back and carefully—haven't you ever said something that might better have been left unsaid? If you say no, think again because we all have. There are plenty of reasons to be offended in life without going out to look for reasons.

And while we're on the subject of things better left unsaid, how old are you, anyway? The last time I heard anyone say they gave someone a tongue-lashing, I was playing with a spoon and my grandmother was changing Anne's diapers. In this day and age—and in my world—"tongue lashing" means something very different and much more pleasurable.

All Tied Up

Q: My husband says our sex life has become old. Well, after wrestling four kids under the age of 7 all day, yeah I'm tired at night. Lately I've found bondage site on our computer history, and I wonder if that's what he has in mind to spice things up. I admit, I could go for a little light bondage—emphasis on light. But how can I be sure he doesn't want to go farther than I'm willing?

Anne: Well, you have to talk to him plainly about what you are and are not willing to do. Make sure you are both on the same page so your expectations are acceptable. Remember, once you're tied to the bedposts, you are only able to do so much until you are untied. Is this what you want?

Dee: Good for you, for being willing to try something new. As long as neither party goes beyond what the other is willing to accept, bondage can be fun. On the other hand, it can get pretty complicated. For a free site to check out, try Bondage. Or Bedroom Bondage, with the innocuous looking Lorelei to put you at ease. Don't forget, bondage goes both ways—strap him to the bedposts, too. It does a man good to be totally at a woman's mercy now and then. A blowjob while he's unable to do anything is pretty amazing to a guy--or so I'm told. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you both agree to it. Then let your fantasies run free. If you trust your partner, there should be no fear, only pleasure. Here's to getting tied up in each other!

Dream Lover

Q: I am a grown woman—well past childhood. But I have the biggest crush on a TV star. I won't say who it is, but he's on one of the CSI shows. Oh my God, I think of him all the time. I imagine him kissing me and running his hands all over my body while he tongues my nipples. I've never seen him naked, but I can picture him, erect and hard. I daydream about kneeling before him and sucking him off until he comes in my mouth. Worst, when my husband and I have sex, it's my dream man I feel pushing into me and I come harder than ever before. I know—I know—this kind of delusion is childish, but I can't seem to get past it. What can I do? I feel myself pulling away from my husband and daydreaming more about my Star Man.

Anne: I think this is more an issue between you and your husband. Something is wrong and you've substituted a safe lover for the man with whom you're having trouble. Get counseling before your daydreams ruin your marriage.

Dee: Wow! I had to take a break and sip something cold before I could sit still long enough to type.

There's nothing wrong with daydreaming a secret lover now and then. We all have fantasies. But you have to know the difference between fucking a dream and fucking the man you've said you would spend your real life with. If you are confused about that, it's time to step back and reevaluate—maybe with a marriage counselor.

Please! I Need Some "Head" Advice in Parsippany

Q: My boyfriend likes me to give him oral sex. I try but I'm not very good at it. Any suggestions?

Anne: Well, at least you're trying. Has your boyfriend said what he perceives as the problem? If he gives specifics, then you have a starting point for improvement. By the way, I hope he returns the favor and gives you oral sex, too.

Dee: Listen, he can't get away simply with saying he doesn't like the way you do blow jobs, he has to give a little more detail. Is it that you don't swallow, or you don't take enough of him, or you don't maintain a rhythm, or what? Too bad you don't know a prostitute or someone who has a lot of experience who could give you a few personal tips.

Barring that, here's what I know:
• Relax the throat--if you can't manage on your own, there are sprays you can use for this. Use your lips to press him firmly.
• On the downward stroke, use your tongue on the underside of his cock and twist the base slightly with your free hand.
• At the bottom, tongue flick the base.
• Use a licking motion on the upward stroke.
• At the top, hold the base, then lick the crown and tickle the slit.
• Most of all, act like you're enjoying yourself. Giving head is a very sensual, intimate act. Men generally love it, but it loses a lot if you hate every second and show it.

For advice from more knowledgeable sources, check out these sites and others: allsexguide.com, deepmemories.com. I found these by Googling "how to give a blow job," so information isn't hard to find.

If you actually do hate giving head, then explain that to your boyfriend and don't do it. Perfect hand jobs instead. If your boyfriend insists on blow jobs in order for you to stay together and you hate it, too bad for him--that's not being loving and you deserve better. But if you enjoy bringing a man to his knees by sucking him off, then a little technique can go a long way in giving pleasure to both of you.