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Monday, July 27, 2009

Boathouse Virginity

Q: I'm a decent, church-going woman. I'm not young, but I haven't exactly hit middle age yet, either. I'm not married and am a little embarrassed to say I've never let a man get passed third base--and that was a long time ago. Until the company picnic a couple of weeks ago, that is. I was sitting off by the river minding my own business and drinking a Coke when a man (I'll call him Henry) joined me. He was drinking beer, and I could tell he'd had quite a few before he came to sit with me. I didn't mind--I've always liked Henry and thought he was handsome. We could hear the sounds of the softball game and the kids' races, but after we'd talked a few minutes, it all seemed far off. Then Henry kissed me, a deep kiss, and I felt something low in my stomach I'd never felt. Before I knew it, Henry had led me into the boathouse and we had sex. When we were there, I wanted it, really wanted it. But now, after two weeks, I don't know. Henry hardly speaks to me, a few people have stopped talking when I come into the room, and (worst of all) he's married, and to a very nice woman. What can I do? I ruined my reputation and good name all in one afternoon.

Anne: Unfortunately, having sex is not a bell you can unring. But take some heart in knowing you aren't the first woman--or the last--to have an encounter at a company function. It's probably not how you thought you might lose your virginity, but you know what? it's no reason to hang your head, either. I say act like nothing happened--Henry seems to be able to. Hold your head up. What happened is no reflection on your being a decent person. If you associate with decent people, they should see that.

Dee: Under normal circumstances, I'd say you were the one not drinking so you should have controlled things better. But the fact that you were pretty inexperienced (do they even say "get past third base' anymore??) means I'll give you a pass. I'm also going to assume you know for sure your little escapade didn't result in a baby. So let's just deal with the sexual side of things. Did you enjoy the sex? Is that what you regret or is it thinking other people know? Did Henry speak to you much before the picnic, or are you letting guilt color his actions now?

If you enjoyed fucking, then there's no reason why you shouldn't do it again. Not with married, sonuvabitch Henry, but with someone else. If marriage isn't what you're looking for, maybe you have a single friend who would like to become a FWB - Friend With Benefits. There's no reason to stay celibate in this day and age. Not that I'm recommending promiscuity, but a girl does have needs.

But, know what you're getting into. Make sure you're prepared with condoms in case the guy isn't, and take care not to get pregnant or contract an STD. Do not believe a man if he says he's had a vasectomy or that he's clean. Use protection at all times. Touch yourself. Order a vibrator online and find out what you like and what turns you on. Never agree to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing. On the other hand, there's more to life than the missionary position, so be open to new things.

You have nothing to feel bad about except maybe the wife. My advice: stay as far away from married men as possible. You fucked up once unexpectedly (pun intended), but you're asking for trouble if you let it happen again. Good luck!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Worried Trucker's Wife

Q: Dee and Anne, I know you were a long distance truck driver with your husband. My husband drives while I stay home with our two girls. I worry about him all the time, not just the danger in driving but the women who are all too eager to keep a lonely trucker company. Tell me honestly, do I have anything to worry about?

Anne: Unfortunately, there are women who frequent truck stops looking to make money. But they don't bother men who don't want to be bothered. Trust your man.

Dee: Puleeze! You can't just say "Trust your man," for Pete's sake. She needs to think about this.

Ms. Trucker, if the opportunity arose, would you feel easy in your heart leaving your hubby home alone for a week? If he worked in an office, would you wonder where he was if he worked late a few nights a week or believe in your heart he was where he said? If he was away on a business trip, would you check his pockets for any hints of infidelity? If you trust him in those situations, then you can trust him on the road alone. If you couldn't trust him in those other situations, then you can't trust him anywhere. The upshot is, if your man's given you good reason to distrust him, then fuck 'em--you can be sure some truck stop mama is.

And there are lots of opportunities to cheat if he has a mind for it. One night a hooker knocked on the truck door. Jack said, "Not tonight, my wife's with me." When she left I slapped him upside the head and demanded, "What do you mean not tonight??" He told me that once the hookers know a woman's in the truck they spread the word. Sure enough, no one knocked the rest of the night. Of course, there was the one who said, "That's okay. She can join in." What a book I could have written back then!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Family Affairs

Q: I told my husband a few years ago (after a couple of drinks) that I thought his brother was a sexy hunk. I assured him nothing had happened between George (that's his brother) and me and never would. He said he understood why I thought so. Now, for last several months, every time we get together with my family I see my husband getting friendly with my sister. Worse, I think she'd flirting with him, too. I mentioned my fears to hubby and he said nothing was happening, and besides, I'd found George sexy so I don't have room to criticize him for thinking my sister was. I didn't even know he remembered my saying that about George. I'm worried. What should I do?

Anne: Talk to your sister and tell her that you know she doesn't mean to, but you're afraid your husband might be mistaking her friendliness for flirting. Ask her to let him know in no uncertain terms that she is not interested. Then talk to your husband again. Remind him that nothing happened between you and his brother and you expect the same will be true about him and your sister. If he knows you're uncomfortable, he should do everything he can to improve the situation.

Dee: Take a digital camera with you to every family occasion. If you see a flirtatious moment, quietly snap a photo. When you have a few pictures, print them and show them to hubby--maybe sis, too--along with word that you've heard of a good divorce lawyer and that you plan to leave him nothing but a few nuts--he'll know which ones you mean. I'll bet sis and hubby don't even sit in the same room after that.

Messing around when you're married is wrong. Messing around with family when you're married is wrong and stupid.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Undies Drawer

Q: This may be a stupid question but Clinton was once asked "Boxers or briefs?" I want to buy my boyfriend some special underwear for his birthday (I intend to embroider a personal message on them) and don't know which to buy--what he already wears or something different. What are your opinions of men's underwear?

Anne: I have to say, I always thought men's underwear should be purchased by a man's wife, not his girlfriend, but I know I'm behind the times. My opinion is to buy him what he already wears. Obviously he's comfortable in them. (By the way, didn't your mother ever tell you the old "A man won't buy a cow if he gets the milk for free" story??)

Dee: Why should it always be women getting the totally stupid, weird sexy lingerie as gifts? I say buy the skimpiest, sexiest piece of underwear ever and then insist he parade around the bedroom in it. If he stuffs it toward the back of his undies drawer, whine and complain about how you buy him nice things and he never wears them. In other words, act like a man.

Back when Anne and I were growing up, a man either wore boxers or briefs and whichever he had, it was white. Since he buys his own, and since it's been a very long time since I embroidered anything "pesonal" on Jack's underwear (not that I'm saying I ever did…), I would have to look in his closet to see what he's wearing these days. However, I did look on the Internet, and I'm really surprised at what you can find in men's underwear these days. It's amazing there are so many styles, colors, shapes and fabrics for something designed just to hold a man's cock. I mean, what kind of designing does it take to come up with something to contain a man's rod and jewels in comfort so he can scratch, rearrange them and take them out to wee-wee?

But, when checking Nuwear's online site, I did find the most delicious pictures. I'm going to return there often. I found one solid white pair of boxer briefs. Everything else was bright and colorful. Most had pockets just to hold the cock. (So how does that work when he has to pee?) There were thongs, and boxers, and G-strings, which I think look just as ridiculous as they do on women. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

Whatever you buy, make them easy to get off him. And then show him why you wanted them easy to get off. That's the part of the birthday gift he'll remember most of all.