Doggie or Doggie Style? They're Very Different

Q: My neighbor's dog barks all the time. I've asked him to do something about it but he keeps leaving him outside, which means right outside our bedroom window. If he isn't barking, he's wining to get in. He's a good dog—I don't blame him. I just think if you own a dog, you should care for him and still have some concern for the neighbors. Since I've already spoken to him and don't really want to call the police because we are neighbors and I have to live in the area, what else can I do?

Anne: Check the statutes in your area related to noise pollution and see if barking dogs are part of them. You might talk with a city council person to see if they have ideas. But you might have to hint that you are going to take action unless the dog owner does something. The trouble with hints and threats is that you have to be willing to follow through.

Dee: This is not my area. If you had asked about lordosis (doggy style) and its variants I would have had some tidbits of wisdom, but about doggies in general? Nope. Sorry. You're barking up the wrong sister.

Jokes Are Dead Wrong for This Guy

Q: I am a mortician. I'm used to all the jokes and stories made up about morticians, but it bothers me when my girlfriend takes part. I've told her over and over that I get that kind of thing enough from others, and that I take my job seriously. It's important. But she continues. What can I do to get her to stop?

Anne: Well, maybe nothing. If you've explained how you feel and she doesn't care to pay attention, maybe that's a hint as to how she feels about you. Or maybe your profession makes her nervous. Are there any other problems? You should examine your relationship beyond jokes made about your job.

Dee: Maybe she continues to make jokes because   well, shit, maybe because she finds such jokes funny. It's a release from (what you have to admit) is kind of a macabre, dark profession. Maybe you should joke back. Let her know that yes, your job is really important and yes, it's a serious profession, but that you can appreciate the way she needs to handle release from that.

Or tell her that when she tells jokes about dead bodies and such that it makes you hot and that you must have sex or a BJ every time you hear such jokes. Then follow through. Either she will give up the jokes or you'll have lots of fucking added to your life. Either way, it's not so bad, right?

Exposed Problems

Q: I took my daughter out for dinner over the weekend. I only see her every other weekend. She's six, going on twenty, I've discovered. Over hamburgers she asked me what boys do with their penises. I asked her why she asked and she said that mommy's boyfriend walks around the house naked and when she asked what the thing was hanging in front, he said a penis. I was so furious I couldn't think of what to say. I finally did stumble over a brief explanation that little boys and girls have different bodies because God had different plans for us, but I didn't go into any great detail, or try to explain sex. But I do want to know what my ex wife is thinking. And doing. And exposing my daughter to. What should I do?

Anne: See your lawyer. You don't say how long you've been divorced, but especially if it's been a recent event, you need to get things straightened out as soon as possible. And talk to your ex. Let her know you're concerned and that your daughter is asking questions.

Dee: There is nothing wrong with the human body or even exposing it to children—in the right circumstances. That does not sound like the case here. At any rate, you have the right to know what your child is seeing and hearing. Lucky you that she trusted you enough to ask questions. Anne is right. Let your ex know that you don't appreciate boyfriends walking around in the nude, and also contact your attorney. This isn't something you want to come back later and have anyone say that you knew and took no action.

Happy Fourth of July!

Anne and I want to wish everyone a wonderful, happy Independence Day celebration. Please remember our men and women overseas, fighting to protect us and keep us safe so we can have hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill and watch fireworks. God bless them, their families and all of us.

See you next week!