Family Moochers

Q: Dee and Anne, I write this note pissed as hell. Every month my husband and I go out to dinner with his sister and her husband. What started a couple of years ago as a fun way to get together regularly has become an infuriating evening for me. My brother-in-law finds ways every month to pass the check off on us. He has laughingly come up with "days" like Brother-in-law Day, Favorite Carpenter Day (he's a carpenter) and so on. When we go to cafeterias, he says he'll decide on a great table, which finagles his way to the front of the group. Of course, his food goes onto our ticket. My sister-in-law is oblivious to what's going on, and my husband just shrugs his shoulders. He says we make more money than the two of them. In reality, he just doesn't want to rock the boat. Okay, so we do make more. That shouldn't be a reason to push those evenings onto us. How can I bring this up without making everyone mad?

Anne: I don't think you can bring it up without upsetting the rest of the group. I know it isn't right, but they're really your husband's sister and brother-in-law. If he isn't upset, maybe you shouldn't be, either. Choose less expensive places to eat and try to enjoy the time you have together. I can almost guarantee if you make this into an issue, feelings will be hurt and you won't be spending any more evenings out together. You need to decide, how important is being with family?

Dee: Here's the deal. Your husband doesn't mind that you all are getting stuck with the nights out. So suck it up. And get real. If you're going to cafeterias for some of your meals, then it's not like you're spending hundreds of dollars on French wine or anything.

Look, lady, it sounds like the only one getting ulcers in this group is you. What does that tell you?