This Girl Wants SEX--In the Best Way or Worst

Q: My God! My girlfriend is demanding sex three and four times a day all of a sudden. I'm virile and my spirit is willing, but the flesh just can't take it. I can't study, I can't read or watch TV without her climbing on me and wanting my cock inside her. She even got her bush waxed! I asked her what she ate that made her like this—she used to be sweet and unassuming, giving me sex whenever I wanted it, but never initiating—and she got mad. Said if I couldn't give her what she needed, she'd find someone who could. I'm afraid to have the guys over to watch a ballgame for fear she might have a different "ball game" in mind. What the hell do I do??

Anne: Something has changed for this woman and I suggest you find out quickly what it is. She doesn't do drugs or anything, does she? Has she changed her friends? Taken a feminine empowerment class or something? You can't address the situation until you know the root cause, so look for that.

Dee: What the hell is wrong with you??? She has obviously discovered what you haven't pointed out to her yet: Women love sex, too. And not by being "sweet and unassuming," available at your beck and call. Someone has alerted her to her sexuality, and it wasn't you, Bud.

So. Your choices are what?

• You start taking vitamins and working out instead of sitting on your butt watching TV. That way maybe you'd be able to keep up with her.
• You call your friends over regularly and have sex with the girlfriend night. (Not recommended unless the two of you are into kinky stuff.)
• Make a trip to Adam and Eve.com and buy her some toys. That way she can satisfy herself. On those times you join in the fun, it will be even better for her. The remote control egg can bring a woman off in under a minute and it's always ready and willing. Or maybe try a nice rabbit that does the pussy and clit at the same time.
• Be imaginative, jerk, and find alternative ways to satisfy her when you're a little tired or have a headache. (Poor baby.) By that, I mean suck her off. Learn to be the world's greatest expert in cunnilingus, and she'll be yours forever.

There are a lot of guys out there who would love to have your problem, you know. A woman who wants to fuck all the time? A blessing, man, a blessing. And if you don't do something like what I've described above, one of them is going to end up with your girlfriend.

Valentine Victim

Q: I gave my husband a valentine that was funny and kind of neutral, and not all mushy and lovey-dovey. Now he says we must be having trouble and thinks we need some time apart. All from a valentine. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Anne: Sit his rear end down and talk to him. He owes you a reason why he went overboard about a Hallmark card.

Dee: Go on a shopping spree and buy the sexiest lingerie you can find. Then go online with Adam and Eve and make sure he sees you buying the biggest dildo in the catalogue. Or maybe some ben wa balls, hmmm? Book a weekend at Sybaris (or somewhere comparable). Then—after he's seen all of this—let him know that you agree. Maybe it is time to have a little space. If he admits to being a numbskull, use all your new purchases—with him. If he's stubborn and insists he's right, that you are trying to "tell him" something with a funny valentine, then I'd say he's hiding something. Maybe he wants time away for reasons of his own. In which case, you will be all prepared for a fucking good weekend wit someone new. Don't waste it.

Can You Say Dil-doh?

Q: I have a fake penis, but the thing came with no instructions. How do I use it?

Anne: Having never used one, I’m not sure, but aren’t they kind of self-explanatory??

Dee: You didn’t say very much about the dildo. (Say it out loud: dil-doh. It won’t bite you. Or if the one you have does bite, send me the brand name immediately.) Is it a vibrating model, straight line or more anatomically correct in shape, wired or wireless, soft and skin-like or hard and unbending? Use the dildo to rub your clit, tease your labia and then insert it into your vagina. In other words, use it like a (good, hunky, skilled) man would—in, out, in, out. It’s not rocket science, though used properly, it can set off rockets in your pussy.

Whatever kind of unit it is, I hope you bought a cleaner. Special coverings require a special to keep the surface supple. Even if you are using just soap, make sure to clean the whole surface thoroughly after each use—remember where it’s been and where it will be going again. (Obviously, if you have a battery-powered unit, you don’t submerge the unit.) Then dry it completely.

Some recommend using condoms as extra protection. This will work if what you have is a regularly shaped dildo and not a rocket or a rabbit style.

Remember too, that when a dildo is used like a cock, your pussy tends to think it is a cock. Do the same things after using the dildo that you would if you’d just had regular, old sex. And like sex with a cock, be warned that fucking yourself can become addicting. You know exactly where to touch, where to rub, where to be rough and where to be gentle. You’ve got a lot of good times ahead of you! Have fun!