Virgin in Virginia and Hating It

Q: I'm fifteen and have just started dating the guy of my dreams. I've had a crush on him for two years and couldn't believe it when he asked me out two weeks ago. Since then we've been together every single day. I love him and he says he loves me. I want to show him how much by having sex, but he won't do it. He signed a contract saying he would remain celibate until marriage, which I think is totally unreasonable. If he really loved me, wouldn't he want to share making love? I'm the only one of my friends who's still a virgin and I want to change that with Joey, the boy I want to be with forever. How do I convince him?

Anne: First of all, think about what virginity means. It says that you respect yourself enough to wait until you find the man (the man) you want to marry and have children with. That's the purpose of sex, not the random coupling that people use it for today. Second, you could be right, but the odds of you and Joey lasting to marriage--or even 11th grade--are slim. The divorce rate for people who date a long time and swear before their family and friends that they will "honor and cherish until death do them part" is 50%, so realistically, the chances you and Joey will last is very, very low. So if you give yourself to him, what do you do with the next boy (next boy) you "love." Last, being the only virgin in your group is not a good reason to hop into the backseat with Joey or any other boy. Losing your virginity is something that only happens once, get it? Make sure you're giving it away for the right reason, with your dignity and self worth in place and in mind.

Dee: I agree with Anne's advice, yet not the preachy style she uses to say it. Listen, before you have sex, ask your minister or counselor at school or your parents (best choice if you can talk to them) to let you talk to one or two unwed mothers. Having a child--or an abortion--at your age is not something to take lightly.

The fact is, when you're engaging in risky behavior, sometimes you make bad decisions, like having sex without protection, like drinking or using drugs so that you're not thinking clearly, or maybe letting yourself feel pressured to do something you're simply not ready to do. Adults make bad decisions, too, but your hormones are running crazy right now, making rational thought nearly impossible at times.

My advice? Pay attention to Joey. Don't have sex until you're older and you know more about what you're doing. If you're going to have sex no matter what we say, ALWAYS use a condom, no matter what a guy tells you or how carried away you are. A diagnosis of HIV is common in the 24-28 age group, which means teens are contracting the disease. Birth control in addition to a condom is not a bad thing. My mom told me when I was a teen and it's still true, use an aspirin for birth control. One aspirin, held tightly between the knees, is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy.

Differences in Detroit

Q: My boyfriend and I argue all the time about small things like which movies (he likes kick-em-up and I like comedy or romance) to see on our dates, what type of restaurant (he likes American meat and potatoes and I like Thai or something exotic) to go to for dinner and which radio station to listen to (he likes country and I like rap). What can I do to get him to listen to my point of view more?

Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.

Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.

I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.

Chunky Hips, Not Fat Head

Q: I am overweight. Not horribly, terribly, but well, I guess a fair amount. I like to eat and enjoy cooking. And I'm good at both. I'm Italian, what can I say? For the first time in my life (I'm 28) I have a boyfriend, Mac, and I think it's getting serious. He's lean and mean without an ounce of body fat. Mac runs (I don't), plays weekend sports (I don't), belongs to a health club (I don't). He's considering taking part in the Boston marathon. If he does, I'll meet him at the finish line. Mac says he loves me no matter what, but his family is a different story. They're all active like Mac, but unlike Mac, I don't feel they will love me no matter what. He's taking me with him and his family to Cape Cod for two weeks this month and I'm so worried I'm making myself sick. What can I do?

Anne: Have you told Mac your fears? I'm sure he would do whatever he could to help. That aside, you have to let his family know that you are happy with yourself. If you are relaxed and confident in your own personality that will come across. That's what it takes to help them see beyond your shape and into your heart.

If your relationship with Mac does continue, maybe being around someone who's active will inspire you to do more. Exercise is a great thing to do with someone else (like someone you love), so I see only a win-win for you. Good luck!

Dee: Normally when someone is worried I say make sure there's plenty of booze and ice cream, but…well you seem to like this Mac guy. Sometimes alcohol isn't the best policy, and ice cream…? Doesn't seem appropriate in the situation, does it? Listen, Mac is the person you love. Let his family see what he loves about you--your humor, your unique perspective on the world, your fantastic risotto--whatever it is. Don't try to be someone you're not. If they don't appreciate you and it's because of your size, well then screw 'em. There's no hope for some people.