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Sunday, March 28, 2010

About to be Screwed in Akron

Q: Help! My boss told me when I left work today that I was being considered for a promotion. All I needed to do was "be nice to him." I have a four-year-old son that I raise on my own and I can't afford to lose my job in this economy. It's not that he isn't nice looking, he is. And until now I thought he was a great guy to work for. The hell of it is, I'm very good at what I do. I have no witnesses to prove my case. What can I say to him to keep him off my back (no pun intended) and still keep my job?

Anne: Go directly to HR and report him. Then thoroughly document everything he asks you to do and when and how you did it so he can't say you've slacked off at work. This is sexual harassment of the worst kind. Because you're a single mother he thinks he can do whatever he wants and you won't take the chance of losing your job. There are laws that protect people in the workplace. Use them, or later, when something bad happens he will use your silence against you.

Dee: Pick up a cheap recorder and after work question him about what he suggested. Take that to HR so there is no doubt what your complaint is. See how he likes being screwed for a change. Anne is right in this instance. Saying nothing will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. This has to be reported. I wouldn't be surprised if you were one of several he's pulled this same shit on. Good luck!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Color Me Confused in Connecticut

Q: My sister and I are having a huge argument about our parents' house that we hope you can solve. They have a light green carpet, light yellow drapes and a light blue sofa. I want to paint the walls white and she doesn't. But I mean, if not white, what? What color goes with all of those other things?

Anne: What a strange color combination. Can you replace something in the room…or maybe most things in the room? If not, I can't imagine any color but white going on the walls.

Dee: What color goes with all of those things? What color goes with "stupid question???" Come on. Ask me about how many people fit into a room for an orgy or which fuck toy to use to make your partner scream, and I'm your gal. But paint colors?? Give me a break. Round out the room with light pink. I don't think you would make it any more hideous than I'm sure it already is.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Differences in Detroit

Q: My boyfriend and I argue all the time about small things like which movies (he likes kick-em-up and I like comedy or romance) to see on our dates, what type of restaurant (he likes American meat and potatoes and I like Thai or something exotic) to go to for dinner and which radio station to listen to (he likes country and I like rap). What can I do to get him to listen to my point of view more?

Anne: You need to focus more on what you have in common than what separates you. Do you like the same art, people (very important), political and religious issues? Are you similar on fiscal and social questions? If so, you can adjust to little things like radio stations and movies. For one thing, switch out on movie dates every other week and enjoy the other's tastes.

Dee: Forget all the crap Anne just listed. Is the sex good? Great fucking won't save your relationship but it will make making up after your arguments more fun while your relationship lasts.

I say you two need to find people more compatible. I could name ten couples off the top of my head who disagreed on little things like food choices, or music preferences, or where to squeeze the toothpaste tube (mentioning no names, Jack…) and you know what? It's those little things that provide the finishing touches to failed relationships. I don't mean to say you need to agree on everything--a little difference of expression is a good thing and keeps life interesting--but you two sound very far apart in your likes and dislikes. You either need to talk through these disparities and agree to happily disagree or look for other partners. In the meantime, enjoy the sex.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Birthday in Buffalo

Q: Last year I gave my girlfriend a sexy nightgown for her birthday and received a lecture on how I buy things for me instead of for her, whatever that means. Women's logic makes no sense to me. Anyway, she didn't wear the nightgown for a good long time but when she did, she was smokin' and we had the greatest sex we'd had in months. I want that again, so I found another, tiny little scrap of a nightgown and bought it, even though it set me back a week's salary. The thing is, I don't want another lecture or any more backward philosophy about how I don't care about her wants and needs. I satisfied her needs pretty damn well when she finally gave in and wore what I gave her. Any advice?

Anne: First off, what your girlfriend meant was that you bought the nightgown because you wanted to see her in it, not because you thought she would like to wear it. Women want a man to think of them and their wants and needs, not the man's. Maybe she would like something not quite so sexy, something she would be comfortable in, not just sexy in. Buying something that suits her desires shows you're thinking of her and not just yourself. Even if you did have a good night when she wore the gown, she still knows your mind focused on what you wanted to see her wearing, not what she wanted to wear. It's a fine distinction, but if you put your mind to it I'm sure you will understand.

I wish you hadn't already bought the nightgown this year--which, by the way means you didn't listen very well last year--but since you have, I'd say combine it with something else, something you know she wants. Maybe jewelry or flowers or a special perfume she has mentioned? Next year, perhaps you should ask her for suggestions. Let her buy the sexy gown to surprise you on your birthday.

Dee: Yeah, you should try to give her something she wants and not just what you want. But you want sex and if she's still with you, so does she. I'd say kick it up a notch, but not as a birthday gift, as an adjunct gift. Start off with some mind-blowing foreplay and then present her with the gown.

For that mind-blowing foreplay, take a look at Adam and Eve for a few suggestions. Try an egg vibrator--small but powerful. Or a G-spot stimulator--sure to bring pleasure. Or how about a finger vibrator? That way you're a part of the action. Once you have her interest, present her with the nightie to enhance what you've already started. The problem last year is, you wanted her to wear the nightgown as your foreplay, and she wants more than your cock growing hard, she wants some excitement, too.

Or maybe give her a nightgown as part of a romantic weekend away, like at Sybaris or someplace near you that specializes in dark corners and quiet rooms. The trick here is combining the sex with romance.

True, it's better to give the birthday person something they want. But flowers die, candy is cliché, and jewelry should be saved for when you really need to make-up. A finger vibrator lasts a long time past the birthday and it's a team sport. When she kicks your sorry ass out, it's the gift that keeps on giving when she's alone, too. What more can a woman ask for?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Wants a Divorce

Q: I just discovered that my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife has a lover. This isn't her first or even her second or third, but I always took her back because of the kids. We have a six year old and a four year old and I love them dearly. The trouble is, I haven't exactly been the model spouse, either, and my wife swears she will get full custody of the kids if I file for divorce. At this point I don't love her and I know she doesn't love me. I do believe she loves our children, though. How can I get rid of her yet still have partial or full custody?

Anne: Dee and I are not lawyers, so don't look to us for legal advice. However, we can give our opinions regarding other options. Have the two of you thought about marriage counseling? If you are cheating, maybe there's an underlying reason you can explore and address successfully. Even if you don't seek help to save your marriage, I hope you are not fighting in front of the kids. Make sure you let them know that you love them.

Dee: Um, Anne? The man called his wife a "lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch of a wife," so I don't think there's a whole hell of a chance counseling is going to keep these two together. Get with it, Sweetie. There's a time to talk and there's a time to kick ass. This is the latter. Sir, my impression is that neither of you is a prize, but since you wrote us I'll take your part.

The trick here is three part. First, be the first at something: the first to document the cheating, the first to get legal advice, the first to gather proof you can provide a stable home life for the children once the separation and divorce takes place, the first to make plans for a separate domicile. Part two: keep is all a secret. Don't get ticked off during an argument and brag how you're looking for a new apartment in a good school district, got it? Third part: get the sleaziest, most ruthless attorney you can afford. Follow the Powell strategy for fighting a war--go in with overwhelming force.

Since by your own admission, you're both lying, cheating, sons-of- bitches, I'm not sure that the children wouldn't be better off with grandparents or an aunt and uncle. Just make damn sure you do right by them. This isn't the time to plan the best revenge on your wife or to be selfish. Sounds like there's been plenty of that going around already. Shape up and be the father your children deserve.