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Monday, May 31, 2010

52" Anniversary Boondoggle

Q: My husband wants to buy a 52-inch-screen TV with all the bells and whistles for our anniversary. That will run around $2,500. I want to celebrate our 10-year anniversary with a week's trip to a romantic location. He won't budge. What does that say about how he feels for me?

Anne: Nothing. It says he wants a big TV. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If that's the only reason you think he cares little for you, step back and take a deep breath. Maybe he just doesn't like to travel…?

Dee: Give the poor bastard a break. So he likes to watch sports (or whatever) on a huge screen. Instead of arguing the point, use the TV in other ways. Invest in a few well-chosen adult films. Hubby will pant over Asia Carrera and you can swoon over seeing all of Evan Stone in 52" HD. Compromise with a weekend away someplace closer to home, Sybaris in Chicago-land or some Sybaris-like place near you. Add a couple of favorite sex toys, and the big TV purchase will seem like a treat instead of a lost argument.

Anne and I would like to thank all our men and women currently serving in the military or who have served in the past. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Fear of Assholes (No, really.)

Q: Help! My husband wants to have anal sex. I don't. I have to admit to being curious, but mostly the thought scares me because I think it would hurt. I know he watches it in adult movies and on the Internet. I'm afraid if I don't do it he will go elsewhere. What should I do?

Anne: My advice is simple: don't do anything you don't want to do sexually. If he doesn't like it, let him go somewhere else—he's not worth having around if he doesn't understand your wants and desires during sex as well as his own.

Dee: My first kick butt reaction (no pun intended) was to agree with Anne. You should not engage in sexual activity you are dead-set against, I don't care how much your partner wants you to. And I'd leave it there except for your statement I admit to being curious…

So here's where I differ from sis. If you truly are curious, find out more about it. Learn the proper way to go about the position. Find out about the oils and lubricants formulated to make the experience a pleasant one, and read about the sensations you might expect. Start small by experimenting with a butt plug to get used to the feeling of having something in that orifice. Have your husband manipulate a small anal dildo during regular sex. You might well find out your orgasms are greater and your time together more sensual.

The most important thing is that both your husband and you want to try anal sex and plan to bring enjoyment to the other. Make sure he knows and agrees to the proper health and pleasure techniques to use—and maybe a safe word letting him know to stop if you feel too uncomfortable. If he doesn't agree to all of that, he's the asshole in the situation (pun intended). Good luck!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Coming Home in Kansas City

Q: My boyfriend is returning from a tour of duty in Iraq this coming weekend. When he left we were good friends, but since he's been there we've come to know each other better through our letters and have finally found that we love each other. I can't wait to see him again, but more importantly, I can't wait to love him in every way. He proposed in his last letter and I intend to marry him. My problem is, I share a duplex with my mother. Though we live in separate sides of the house, she will certainly know if Joey spends the night with me. She thinks I'm a virgin (which I am, actually), and doesn't have any notion that I might sleep with a man before marrying him. I'm an adult but I still feel funny about having Joey stay with me when he comes home--but I also want it more than anything. What should I do?

Anne: Isn't this something you and Joey might have discussed during your letter writing? Have you explained that you're inexperienced, your living situation and your moral standards (which I'm assuming since you're an adult and still a virgin--good for you!)? If he's the man you think he is, he will wait for the physical pleasure until you get to know each other better and tie the knot. (Thank him for his service, by the way.)

Dee: I say first fuck your mom's opinion and then go fuck the soldier (or marine, sailor, whatever). You say you were good friends before he went overseas, so it's not like you don't know each other, right? Have a Come to Jesus meeting with your mom and tell her about the feelings that have developed while he was overseas. Tell her you plan to be this guy's wife and you want to start the marriage a bit before the I dos.

The only reservation I have is that discovering love and proposing marriage while he was overseas and in an atypical situation emotionally and physically is dicey. You might hold off until you're sure your feelings are real in the day-to-day world here at home. If they are and you still want to slap the monkey (or kiss it or lick it or…you get the picture), don't let mom's image of you stop you.

Thanks, Joey, for serving and doing a job so many need but so few are willing to do!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Who's the Biggest Boob of All?

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he likes large breasts. He wants me to get a boob job. I checked and they're very expensive. He's not working so he can't pay, and I just barely have enough in savings to cover the costs. I really love him, but I'm nervous about this. Any advice?

Anne: My advice is to tell him exactly what you just told us. He doesn't have the money and neither do you (and you don't, really). You never said how you feel about this kind of surgery. Is this something you'd be willing to do, or be happy to do? If you go ahead, make sure you use a reputable surgeon. This is time to go for quality and not a low price. But I'd advise against. If your boyfriend says big breasts prove you love him, find someone else, someone who loves you as you are.

Dee: This is a big duh. He thinks boobs make the woman? Check. He can't or won't pay for the operation? Check. He doesn't mind if you empty your savings account of your hard earned money? Check. You have concerns that he doesn't seem to care about? Check.

This guy is a big, fat LOSER??? CHECK.

Dump this asshole and find someone who wants you as you are. Or maybe as you are in a Wonder Bra.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Seattle Quandary

Q: I found out my significant other is cheating on me. We've dated for three years, share a house and many interests. I recently received a promotion in my career which has meant more hours working, and now I find out he's screwing around with my secretary. I know this for a fact. The trouble is, I have loved the schmuck for years, I'm comfortable with him (except for his cheating), and have fun with him. I hate to lose what we have. I also hate to fire my secretary, who in all things (except sleeping with my "other") is superior. What I hate most is their lack of fidelity to their partner and boss.

Anne: Is there a question in there? Are you asking us if you should cut him loose or hang in there? I certainly can't answer that. I did notice that when you listed all the things about him you enjoy, you didn't mention that you love him. That seems a big consideration. If you let him go, would your heart feel ripped out? If so, sit him down and talk to him. If he's emotional cut the cord, it's probably too late no matter what you decide.

Dee: Look there are a zillion men who would be happy to share a house with a dedicated career woman and who have interest similar to yours. Aside from that, a great vibrator is pretty cheap and doesn't snore. However, a good secretary is hard to find. You do the math.