Too Much Sex - Is There Such a Thing??

Q: I am a normal male in the 20-30 age group, with what I think is a normal interest in sex. But not according to my girlfriend, who seems to want it constantly. Lately, she's been harping that we need to have sex more because it's a good way for her to keep her weight down—burning calories and all that. I say it's bunk. If she's been gaining weight (and she has put on a few pounds in the last few months) then she should stop eating so much, or take up running or something, and leave me out of it. We've been dating for  two years, and I don't know what's brought up this irrational interest in doing the dirty all of a sudden. Any thoughts?

Anne: While any physical activity burns some calories, you would have to have a lot of sex for long periods each time in order to use it as a weight control program. View the information on Livestrong.com to see what I mean. It seems the better question here is the one you posed at the end: why is this coming up now? What has changed in your relationship for her to want more? And that's something you can only discover through a discussion.

Dee: I prefer Robert Wieder's humorous version of CalorieLab's data. How many calories are burned in oral sex as opposed to Oral Roberts sex? Have a good laugh and then a good fuck, I always say.

Look, you should break up with this girl. You two are obviously not suited, and I'm not laying blame on either of you. But your letter screams that you're having problems, and probably not just with sex. You say your girlfriend is "harping," that you see she's gaining weight but your solutions have nothing to do with you, and that she has an "irrational interest in doing the dirty." Any man who considers a woman who wants lots of sex to be irrational is either totally uninterested in her or irrational himself. Split up with her and do both of you a favor.

Those Sexy Waxes

Q: I’ve been considering getting a bikini wax. What do you think?

Waxing Poetic in Virginia

Anne: “Waxing Poetic.” Haha. Clever name. But on to the question. I have to admit, I know nothing about waxing so I looked it up online. Color me surprised when I found there are several types of ways to wax pubic hair and hair around the anus. I mean, you can take all of it off or parts of it. Who knew? To tell you the truth, it all sounded painful. I mean, have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Or under your arms? OUCH! Just the thought of causing pain “down there,” is enough to make me appreciate the hair God gave me and to leave it alone. Plus, there are health concerns, did you know? For instance, if you have diabetes, you shouldn’t get waxed. Or if you’re pregnant. (Who the hell—pardon my French—would worry about getting it done if you’re about to give birth??) I wouldn’t do it, so how could I advise you to do any different?

Dee: I know my good friend Lee Silver (author of The Twist) is probably brave enough to engage in a full wax job or at least a sexy Brazilian job (most likely named for the women in New York who invented the wax, not the country). Lee, fess up, Woman!

Now for once I have to agree with Anne—this sounds painful. So why would any woman go through with it? I’m not sure but I think it’s because men LOVE it! They love the smoothness of the skin, the lack of hair for oral sex (for those wonderful men who GIVE oral sex, the lazy bastards), and (let’s face it) the sense of the forbidden when their lover feels like a young girl. What pervs!

So you know all those times we as women of the Lib Era said we should NOT dress for men, act for men, or live our lives for men? Well, forget it when it comes to ripping out public hair by the roots. Does the thought bring tears to your eyes? Suck it up! You’ll thank your Brazilian waxer when your man sighs in your ear and can’t wait to keep you up all night with hot sex of all varieties.

Put that way, where’re those Yellow Pages??

MickyD Marriage Threat

Q: I am married to a junk food junkie. I only like to eat organic, healthy food and it drives me crazy to find a McDonald's wrapper in the car. Before we got married (9 months ago), she said she would change. She hasn't gained weight but we've been talking about starting a family, and how can I allow her to become pregnant when she cares so little for her health?

Anne: How can you allow her to become pregnant? This is something the two of you need to discuss and decide on, not just you. As for her eating habits, it's important, of course, but not the end of the world if your bride eats fast food now and then. Lighten up.

Dee: Yeah, we all know that fast food and healthy, natural food are opposites. If your wife stops at Hardees for a sausage biscuit at breakfast, goes to Taco Bell for lunch and hits MickeyDs for dinner every day, maybe you have reason to worry. But if she stops by one of those joints once in a while, it's nothing. My question to you is, you obviously knew she liked fast food before you got married, right? You marry someone the way they are, not the way you want them to be. You love 'er? Then give her a break and stop being a food nanny. I'll bet there are things about you that drive her crazy, too.

And just another little note, if she should start to gain a little fast food weight, fucking is great exercise. In bed there are always interesting things to eat--for both of you.

My Sister's Fiance

Q: I'm eighteen and old enough to know my own mind. I'll start off with that. My sister, twenty-four is engaged to a man I'm in love with. From the moment I saw him I knew he was the man for me. He's twenty-six, smart, handsome and sexy as hell. A few weeks ago we found ourselves alone and I flirted a little. Before I knew it, we were kissing. He touched me in places no one else ever has and I he let me give him head. Since then, we've had to be careful around others, but we've had the chance to kiss and fondle without anyone knowing. I decided not to go to college, choosing to work instead. He's finishing up his Ph.D. in psychology, and could use a wife willing and able to help support the household until he gets on his feet. My sister wants to stay at home and start having kids. We went shopping for her wedding dress last week and as soon as I saw her in bridal white I knew it should be me walking down the aisle instead. How do I tell her with the least amount of drama?

Anne: I respect that you are working instead of going to college if that's what you want, but here are a few words you might need to look up: fidelity, trust, loyalty, sister, love. Or how about SANITY? I mean really. You flirted with your sister's fiancé, had sex with him and then continued finding ways to cheat with him behind her back. As despicable as I find his behavior, he's an outsider. You're family. She can get rid of the jerk (and should), but she's stuck with you. More's the pity. Here's my advice: Back off, little girl. Keep your hands (and mouth) off your sister's man. And if you really want to do some good, find some way to let her know what a scumbag she's about to marry before it's too late.

Dee: Well, damn. I sure hope you received some compensation for the blow job(s) you gave Asshole because otherwise you're going to be left shit out of luck when this little cluster fuck becomes known. And believe me, it will come out, if not from you to your sister, then from him or someone else. There's no such thing as the perfect secret, don't you know? And if you pointedly explain to your sister how you deserve Asshole more than she does (and I happen to agree about that), you'll lose Asshole and your sister. In fact, I'd be surprised if you were invited to Thanksgiving dinners if you do that.

This is my advice to you: keep your mouth closed from now on, mostly when Asshole has his zipper open. Stay away from him and grow up. The only man in the world you're interested in is the one guy your sister supposedly loves? To me that speaks more of sibling rivalry than a true feeling on your part. Come to grips with the fact that he's eight years older than you and studying psychology, a surefire way to find out how to manipulate people, especially immature, younger sisters who are willing to suck cock. Stop being an idiot and remember your sister is your sister forever. Assholes come and go. Trust me when I say that as soon as you tell your sister that you love her man—and he loves you back—you'll lose her trust and love and he'll drop you like an STD.

And oh yeah, talk with someone and determine how to warn your sister that Asshole is just that. If you continue on this path and/or let her marry him when you know what kind of man he really is, you'll make sin even worse.

Hasseled in Hampton

Q: I am an office manager and my boss is driving me crazy. Not only is he a controlling, stubborn jerk, he keeps finding ways to touch me or get me alone. Some of his comments to me are far from professional. In fact, some of them are down right dirty. Yesterday I found a pair of crotch-less panties in my top desk drawer. At mid-day he invited me out for "a tasty bite to eat." I just know he's the one with the Frederick's of Hollywood taste, but he's always careful not to say or do anything in front of others.

We're a fairly small, privately owned company with no actual HR department. In this economy, I can't afford to quit, yet I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to stay. What should I do?

Anne: Your state has an agency that handles sexual harassment issues. Call them or find an attorney who will represent you should you decide to take him to court. No one should have to put up with that kind of pressure, to select to be harassed or be out of work. Get relief from the state or sue the idiot. Make sure you talk to someone about what kind of proof or evidence you need so when you make a move you're successful. Good luck!

Dee: Perhaps you could try the dirty route. Agree to meet him. Wear the undies and let him feast. Just because he's a pig, who knows? Maybe he has a real talent in that arena. No reason to pass up a good orgasm. Then offer to return the favor. While he's naked and at his most vulnerable, whip out your cell phone and take a picture that you promise to make into a YouTube video and plaster all over the Internet if he doesn’t shape up--or if he fires you. Take his little short hairs in your fist and explain just how you feel about his attitude. Give his wanker a twist and then leave. By all means, burn the panties.

If that doesn't work, then I guess you could try Anne's wussy approach and see a lawyer or file a complaint. Frankly I'd rather lick someone in my own way. (Which is a truly delightful way, if I say so myself.)

Not Ready for Breakup

Q: My boyfriend says he loves me but he’s going to break up with me if I don’t um…take him in my mouth. I love him and I don’t want to break up, but I hate the very idea of you know, doing that. What should I do?

Anne: Are you sure he really means this? It seems to me he’s being unreasonable if he loves you. Talk to him. Tell him the distaste (no pun intended) you feel for the oral sex act. If he loves you, he should try to see your side of this. Don’t feel alone—a lot of women do not care for doing it.

Dee: Look, I agree. Ask him what he means exactly. If he says he truly is breaking up if you don’t give him head, then put on your big girl pants and decide what you’re going to do. If you hate having his penis in your mouth, then draw the line. Regardless of how much you “love” him, you’ll eventually grow resentful if you feel he’s forcing you into something disgusting. In that case, call it quits (this way you’re the one ending it) and be on the lookout for a man more interested in your feelings. Be aware though, I’ve never met a man who didn’t love oral sex. When they’re on the receiving end, at least.

If you’re willing to give it a try, let him know you’re a novice and that you need to learn how best to handle the act. If he balks or tries to rush you, tell him if you get nervous you might bite down. That should keep him in line. By the way, I think he’s a jerk for making this ultimatum. Man does not shrivel and die if he doesn’t get oral sex. Tell him I said so.

And here’s another tip: quit being a baby. It’s “give head,” “suck,” “BJ or blow job” instead of “you know, doing that.” Grow up. (This goes for you, too, Anne. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re my sister.) Men love to hear a woman use those terms. But only if she’s going to do them. If you decide to suck him, use the words sure to incite and let him know you’re ready and willing, not being dragged kicking and screaming.