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Monday, June 25, 2012

Friend or Boyfriend?

Q: My boyfriend and I attended a party at the house of my good friend. We were having a good time and shared a hot kiss early in the evening. When it was getting time to go home and I couldn’t find him, I went looking. Yes, you guessed it, I found him and my friend in a very compromising position. Not having sex, but I think they would have if not discovered. My friend’s husband was right in the other room! My boyfriend was obviously embarrassed and upset. He apologized all the way home and protested that he’d had too much to drink. My girlfriend called the next day and told me the same—that she’d had too much to drink, that she’s never done anything like that before and never would again. I hesitated to write about this problem, but I can’t stop thinking about them together. Should I forgive and forget? I'm feeling childish, but I can't help it.

Anne: You are not being childish in this situation. And I’m sure you aren’t alone, either. My advice is to examine your whole relationship, not just what happened on one night. Has your boyfriend ever given you cause to doubt him before? If he’s been good and faithful other than that one evening, then I think there’s reason enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’d let him know that drinking is not an excuse to behave as though there are no consequences.

As for your friend, I guess the same is true. Has she ever given you cause to distrust her? If not, and since she’s a good friend, maybe you should give her another chance. Everyone has said or done things they regret after mixing good times with alcohol—maybe even you have. So examine your heart and see if you can’t find something to save out of this mess.

Dee: Get real! Since the first fermentation of grapes, men have claimed they wouldn’t have done XXX (insert stupid behavior) if only they hadn’t had too much grog or wine or Cuervo or whatever. It’s a stupid excuse—and one any woman with half a brain should see through. Our mom used to say—and Anne you should remember this—that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. In my opinion, that goes for actions, too. Honey, that old goat was doing what he wanted and using the age-old excuse of booze to justify it.

Now as for the woman, if she isn’t a really good friend, find people to hang out with who have your best interests more at heart. But if she is a valued part of your life, I might cut her some slack. There are lots of bottom-feeders in the fish pond but only a few really good girlfriends.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Too Much Sex - Is There Such a Thing??

Q: I am a normal male in the 20-30 age group, with what I think is a normal interest in sex. But not according to my girlfriend, who seems to want it constantly. Lately, she's been harping that we need to have sex more because it's a good way for her to keep her weight down—burning calories and all that. I say it's bunk. If she's been gaining weight (and she has put on a few pounds in the last few months) then she should stop eating so much, or take up running or something, and leave me out of it. We've been dating for  two years, and I don't know what's brought up this irrational interest in doing the dirty all of a sudden. Any thoughts?

Anne: While any physical activity burns some calories, you would have to have a lot of sex for long periods each time in order to use it as a weight control program. View the information on Livestrong.com to see what I mean. It seems the better question here is the one you posed at the end: why is this coming up now? What has changed in your relationship for her to want more? And that's something you can only discover through a discussion.

Dee: I prefer Robert Wieder's humorous version of CalorieLab's data. How many calories are burned in oral sex as opposed to Oral Roberts sex? Have a good laugh and then a good fuck, I always say.

Look, you should break up with this girl. You two are obviously not suited, and I'm not laying blame on either of you. But your letter screams that you're having problems, and probably not just with sex. You say your girlfriend is "harping," that you see she's gaining weight but your solutions have nothing to do with you, and that she has an "irrational interest in doing the dirty." Any man who considers a woman who wants lots of sex to be irrational is either totally uninterested in her or irrational himself. Split up with her and do both of you a favor.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Those Sexy Waxes

Q: I’ve been considering getting a bikini wax. What do you think?

Waxing Poetic in Virginia

Anne: “Waxing Poetic.” Haha. Clever name. But on to the question. I have to admit, I know nothing about waxing so I looked it up online. Color me surprised when I found there are several types of ways to wax pubic hair and hair around the anus. I mean, you can take all of it off or parts of it. Who knew? To tell you the truth, it all sounded painful. I mean, have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Or under your arms? OUCH! Just the thought of causing pain “down there,” is enough to make me appreciate the hair God gave me and to leave it alone. Plus, there are health concerns, did you know? For instance, if you have diabetes, you shouldn’t get waxed. Or if you’re pregnant. (Who the hell—pardon my French—would worry about getting it done if you’re about to give birth??) I wouldn’t do it, so how could I advise you to do any different?

Dee: I know my good friend Lee Silver (author of The Twist) is probably brave enough to engage in a full wax job or at least a sexy Brazilian job (most likely named for the women in New York who invented the wax, not the country). Lee, fess up, Woman!

Now for once I have to agree with Anne—this sounds painful. So why would any woman go through with it? I’m not sure but I think it’s because men LOVE it! They love the smoothness of the skin, the lack of hair for oral sex (for those wonderful men who GIVE oral sex, the lazy bastards), and (let’s face it) the sense of the forbidden when their lover feels like a young girl. What pervs!

So you know all those times we as women of the Lib Era said we should NOT dress for men, act for men, or live our lives for men? Well, forget it when it comes to ripping out public hair by the roots. Does the thought bring tears to your eyes? Suck it up! You’ll thank your Brazilian waxer when your man sighs in your ear and can’t wait to keep you up all night with hot sex of all varieties.

Put that way, where’re those Yellow Pages??

Monday, June 4, 2012

This Girl Wants SEX--In the Best Way or Worst

Q: My God! My girlfriend is demanding sex three and four times a day all of a sudden. I'm virile and my spirit is willing, but the flesh just can't take it. I can't study, I can't read or watch TV without her climbing on me and wanting my cock inside her. She even got her bush waxed! I asked her what she ate that made her like this—she used to be sweet and unassuming, giving me sex whenever I wanted it, but never initiating—and she got mad. Said if I couldn't give her what she needed, she'd find someone who could. I'm afraid to have the guys over to watch a ballgame for fear she might have a different "ball game" in mind. What the hell do I do??

Anne: Something has changed for this woman and I suggest you find out quickly what it is. She doesn't do drugs or anything, does she? Has she changed her friends? Taken a feminine empowerment class or something? You can't address the situation until you know the root cause, so look for that.

Dee: What the hell is wrong with you??? She has obviously discovered what you haven't pointed out to her yet: Women love sex, too. And not by being "sweet and unassuming," available at your beck and call. Someone has alerted her to her sexuality, and it wasn't you, Bud.

So. Your choices are what?

  • You start taking vitamins and working out instead of sitting on your butt watching TV. That way maybe you'd be able to keep up with her.
  • You call your friends over regularly and have sex with the girlfriend night. (Not recommended unless the two of you are into kinky stuff.)
  • Make a trip to Adam and Eve.com and buy her some toys. That way she can satisfy herself. On those times you join in the fun, it will be even better for her. The remote control egg can bring a woman off in under a minute and it's always ready and willing. Or maybe try a nice rabbit that does the pussy and clit at the same time.
  • Be imaginative, jerk, and find alternative ways to satisfy her when you're a little tired or have a headache. (Poor baby.) By that, I mean suck her off. Learn to be the world's greatest expert in cunnilingus, and she'll be yours forever.

There are a lot of guys out there who would love to have your problem, you know. A woman who wants to fuck all the time? A blessing, man, a blessing. And if you don't do something like what I've described above, one of them is going to end up with your girlfriend.